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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does your DP/DH look at other women in front of you?

91 replies

GrumpyCee · 19/07/2019 23:20

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’ve just been out for dinner with my boyfriend. Twice during the meal I saw him stare at two different staff members bottoms.

This is a long standing issue in our relationship. I feel like he constantly stares at other women. He denied that he did look but I know what I saw. I just find the whole thing exhausting and feel like I have lost all sense of perspective, as it annoys me so much. I just want one hour out of the house having a nice time and he’s too busy desperately scanning the room for bums to stare at.

Does your partner do this?

OP posts:

Benjispruce · 19/07/2019 23:21

Not that I’ve noticed. I’m sure he glances as do I but to obviously stare is rude and disrespectful to you.

taylorowmu · 19/07/2019 23:21

Honestly? I have absolutely no idea. I don't follow his eyes when we are out. It's never really crossed my mind to do so.

How is your relationship in general? Is there a back story to this?

Blueuggboots · 19/07/2019 23:25

Yes, we both do it and talk to each other about people we find attractive.
I think because we both do it and are comfortable with it, it's ok.
If he's doing it and knows it makes you feel shit, then that's not on.

SimonArch1983 · 19/07/2019 23:34

Yeah we both do it. No harm in window shopping. Take a step back and imagine not being able to look at another person! It doesn't de value your relationship, it means if both of you can look at others without getting lumpy you have a strong relationship! Tbf I quite like it when I see blokes eyeing the Mrs, most of the time she is oblivious to it, she clocks on when I'm getting eyed up. It's only natural to admire beauty, it takes nothing away from your relationship.

Anothernick · 19/07/2019 23:38

All guys look, it's in our genes. Not sure what you consider to be staring but as long as he only looks and doesn't touch then I wouldn't worry.

Custardo · 19/07/2019 23:41

think this is more about how you view yourself

so in your shoes i'd not say anything . by saying something you come across as insecure you need to espouse confidence and independance, that gives you the upper hand.

bwydda · 19/07/2019 23:42

The idea that it's "in the genes" is ludicrous. Everyone does look. Women and men. BUT it's hugely disrespectful if he's gawping so much it's noticeable! I look, and I'm sure my partner does- but it's not staring, leering, gawping enough for anyone to notice! If it were, it would be rude and disrespectful to my partner and the person I was goggling at!

Jaguarana · 19/07/2019 23:43

No, my DH doesn't. He has too much respect for me to eye up other women in front of me.

My dad used to do this & it would really upset my mum. It's disrespectful.

Bedforaweek · 19/07/2019 23:49

Not sure why someone commented that they don’t track their partners eyes when they out as though you are being controlling. Unless you go out for dinner with someone and stare at the floor it becomes pretty obvious where someone is looking.
I would not be impressed if my partner did this. I like my self control and respect from my partner.

Deadringer · 19/07/2019 23:53

Looking is one thing, staring is another. I am sure my dh of 30 years has looked at other women, but he has the good manners to be discreet about it.

Asvan · 19/07/2019 23:58

Is he just looking or is he blatantly staring? If he's just looking then it's completely harmless. Do you never look at another male who you think is good looking?

ysmaem · 20/07/2019 00:22

I've never 'caught' my OH doing it but I'm sure he does or I'm sure he does it often when I'm not in his company. I'd probably just brush it off if he did it in front of my tbh. I dont think you're unreasonable for being upset. If it upsets you then it upsets you.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 20/07/2019 00:34

I occasionally see someone catch his eye. As a previous poster says, I think there’s a big difference between looking and staring. I usually respond with “oi, I saw that!” And we laugh about it. And same in return when he sees me do it.

I see no harm in noticing someone attractive. In fact sometimes I notice an attractive woman that I fully expect him to look at and he doesn’t. Or I just don’t see him do it.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 20/07/2019 05:30

I do understand that men will find other women attractive. I see attractive men all the time. I don’t have a problem with him looking at other women per se providing he’s not staring at them in a creepy way.

However, it’s the zoning in on other women’s bums that actually riles me. It just gets right on my nerves and turns me right off. It’s so blatant and I don’t know if it’s deliberate.

I genuinely didn’t see any other man in the restaurant doing the same thing as he was. I asked him why he didn’t look at the male waiter’s bum when he passed and he said it was because he wasn’t interested in the that. He seems to have some kind of issue. His previous girlfriend apparently once said to him that he went into a trance at the site of a naked dummy in a shop window.

I try all the time to let stuff like this go. However, it’s got to the stage where I think I might be hyper sensitive about this.

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 20/07/2019 06:11

Not sure if my boyfriend does, I am sure he looks but he doesn't disrespect me by staring obviously while I am there. That is the difference between a respectable man.

FuriousVexation · 20/07/2019 06:30

It's really difficult to tell OP because you might be being over-sensitive to normal human behaviour of "looking around the room and spending 1 second longer checking out someone attractive" - or you might be with an idiot who is basically drooling over butts, like a cartoon character whose eyes have turned into hearts.

His previous girlfriend apparently once said to him that he went into a trance at the site of a naked dummy in a shop window.

If he admitted this to you, then I'm thinking he's the latter, and I would finish things, because he has the sexual response of a 12 year old, and I wouldn't want to fuck a 12 year old boy.

Tableclothing · 20/07/2019 06:35

No, never.

I don't doubt that there are other women he finds attractive - he is human - but I've never seen him eyeing up anyone else. He's a very polite man and I think he would consider it bad manners not to pay attention to the person he's with.

We've been together 15 years

Ohyesiam · 20/07/2019 06:43

I try all the time to let stuff like this go. However, it’s got to the stage where I think I might be hyper sensitive about this.

I used to be hyper sensitive to things like this and it made my 20s hell. I knew I had low self esteem and hated my body, so I thought it was all my fault. I had therapy and did some work on childhood issues that had left me with little self respect, and that did help ,But I found when I felt properly loved by my current partner it all the negativity I felt towards my body and looks just faded away.
I knew deep in my heart that I was good enough. So it was about how I viewed myself, but also the quality of love I was being offered.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 20/07/2019 06:45

He does find other women attractive and I find other men attractive. That’s fine. I accept that.

The two waitresses were clearing the table next to ours. He had to turn his body to look at them. He couldn’t even see their faces he was just staring at their ass! The first time it happened I let it go after a jokey I saw that. The second time in an hour, I start feeling annoyed. I just find it creepy and disrespectful.

OP posts:

666onmyhead · 20/07/2019 07:11

I had coffee with a friend who's a girl ( as am I ) and she caught me checking out a guy who walked passed and called me out on it. Up to the point she said it, I was blissfully enjoying the view and unaware I was even following him ( with my eyes) across the room. I probably wouldn't have done that if I was with my partner as I'm usually engrossed in 'us' and whatever it is we are doing. So in a long winded way I guess I'm saying he's not as engrossed in your 'us' as he should be. What you choose to do about it depends on how invested you are in him and if he can reinvest his interest in you ...

AuntieStella · 20/07/2019 07:33

Jilly Cooper divided men into 'one gazers and secret doers'

All bollocks of course.

His conduct makes you uncomfortable. You can set your boundaries where you want them.

So pause and think, is this a deal breaker for you? If on reflection it is, then act on it. Because otherwise you will become an unhappy nag. He's had the chance to change (which some people might do, if they hadn't quite realised they had the habit or what it's effect was) but if someone is unwilling to change then accept it or end it (and heaven knows there are about threads with advice to MNetters saying they should never change for a man)

SimonArch1983 · 20/07/2019 07:45

But a man is expected to change for a woman?

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 20/07/2019 07:51

@SimonArch1983 - I’m not sure I understand your point. I’m not asking him to change. I’m trying to understand if this is normal behaviour and if I need to work on myself. Or if I need to walk away.

OP posts:

SimonArch1983 · 20/07/2019 07:56

That was in response to auntiestellas post.
You should be confident in yourself, he's coming home with you at the end of the day! He probably loves you to bits, just has a wandering eye. Tbf a full on stare is a bit over the top.

Original poster

GrumpyCee · 20/07/2019 07:58

@SimonArch1983 - thanks for clarifying. I understand now!

OP posts:

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