Does your DP/DH look at other women in front of you?

[GrumpyCee]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’ve just been out for dinner with my boyfriend. Twice during the meal I saw him stare at two different staff members bottoms.

This is a long standing issue in our relationship. I feel like he constantly stares at other women. He denied that he did look but I know what I saw. I just find the whole thing exhausting and feel like I have lost all sense of perspective, as it annoys me so much. I just want one hour out of the house having a nice time and he’s too busy desperately scanning the room for bums to stare at.

Does your partner do this?

Just Dutch him, he is not good enough for you!!

Dutch?????

DITCH

Bl**dy phone

No, never.

Every time I'm on this board I see how lucky I am.

A passing glance is fine by me because I look too, but any staring or ogling is a no no.

SimonArch

No, my point was that a man should not be expected to change any more than women are expected to change, and on MN at least the typical advice is that they shouid not. Accept the person as they are, or decide you cannot and act ccordingly.

I'm a bit of an outlier, because I think small, trivial changes to please someone who matters to you are part of normal give and take. I also believe in giving people a chance to change, even if hope/expectation is low.

For avoidance of further doubt, things which leave one person feeling unhappy and t their partner does not respect them re not things I wouid categorise as small or trivial

My boyfriend does, if a female has half her boobs on show and a skirt just below her bum of course men are going to look, it doesn't bother me, he comes home to me at the end of the day.

I have no idea, I mean I’ve never noticed him doing it, but then I’m usually looking around myself so not tracking his eye movements, ya know? I wouldn’t be upset if I saw him glance a bit too long at someone if they were dressed in a really eye catching way, I’ve done it myself when you notice someone wearing a very low cut top or super short skirt as it stands out and takes a second to realise you’re looking and look away (as I believe people should be free to wear what they feel comfortable in and it’s on the individual to not gawk). And I’m sure he notices attractive women as I do men! But I guess if it was to the extent I noticed frequently enough to become an issue I wouldn’t be happy. He must be pretty openly letching at them for you to see

No, my DH doesn't do this. I would find him staring at a woman's bottom sleazy.

I certainly wouldn't put up with it from a man I wasn't married to or had kids with.

Sorry i just re read your posts: turning his body to get a good long gaze at women’s arses while they’re at fucking work trying to clear tables? Eurgh. I think I’d be done just for the blatant objectification of women. I’ve waitressed and the last thing you want is to be made to feel like a piece of meat by a sleazy customer. Nasty.

"I don’t feel like he thinks I’m good enough. He kept me secret for a long time from his friends"

Any man who blatantly and leeringly turns his body to stare at other women's arses isn't good enough for YOU!

He probably kept you a secret so he could act like a player with his mates.

I'm sorry, I actually felt sick reading this.

Certain type of men do this. Certainly not all. In fact, I'd say most men don't behave this way in front of their partners.

Not that I noticed but if he did my response would be to start oggling men
I'd have lots and lots of fun with it, point out how hot this man is, how that man is, look at his great physique etc
and see how he likes them apples🤣😂😅

When are women going to learn to trust themselves? You feel the way you feel, for a reason.

You don't like it BECAUSE IT IS DISRESPECTFUL.

It is telling you what he things of women.
It is telling you what sort of attachment he has to you.
it is telling you how replaceable you are.
It is telling you that you might be Currently Of Use to him (until ...)

THAT is why it makes you uncomfortable. Because of the information you are receiving that your gut knows! "It’s so blatant" tells you all you need to know.

My ex did this. He went from the comparable 'looking and commenting together as a team' to open, blatant fixated leering. When did it change? When he was completely disengaged from me, saw me as a necessary burden and when he was looking for my replacement.

You are worth more OP.

These oglers are often sex pests too I find.

I went to see someone about this problem and the first question I was asked was do you trust Yr partner and I did I knew nothing was meant by it and I'd actually blown it all out of proportion. I was told it was a fear of loss and I had to build on my self esteem. I'd only recently moved to be with him. So I had some hypnotherapy and the problem just vanished! It's a horrible feeling when you catch them doing it but it's more about you. Hope this helps.

@Secondsight thanks for your advice. I’m not sure if this is a fear of loss, as you say. However, I will certainly give this some thought.

Are you going to bin him off OP, he sounds like a complete Neanderthal.

@GrumpyCee I can completely understand where you're coming from. My ex used to do that, but for him it was long shiny hair. He would literally turn his head and do double-takes. For ages he made up excuses just like your P with things like "I was just checking to see the processes the chefs were taking to make food" (?!), "Just looking at that car". After a while I thought it was me going mad. I completely avoided going out with him - we'd go to the theatre where everyone was dressed up to the nines and I'd sit in a state of despair, so I stopped. I stopped going out for a drink with him, or even a movie. If we did, I often tried to arrange the seating so that he was facing the wall. I seriously thought it was me. But then one day we were on a beach in the South of France, (lots of stunning women, French of course, so perfectly groomed) and he couldn't stop staring and kept on getting erections. And I knew from that point it wasn't me imagining things. Ok, I know most men may be a little uncomfortable but this was incessant and it just ended up repulsing me.

Anyway, I stopped trying to grow my hair and lose weight and just binned him.

@GrumpyCee just a thought, as some posters here have been saying it's because of your insecurities and not him being awful, have you ever felt this way in other relationships before? So you can compare...

I'm sorry but I find his actions very disrespectful towards you, especially if you have mentioned that it bothers you. I think many people will say everyone looks and its healthy and normal, but if its upsetting you than its not healthy. Surely he could look discretely or god forbid spend your time together focusing on you. I think he's wrong and if he sees no issues with upsetting you, than I find that emotional abuse and maybe he's not the person for you.

@GrumpyCee just saw this; "He kept me secret for a long time from his friends." - Yes! It was about 9 months in total before I met any of them.

See if it's a glance I couldn't get wound up. As pp said staring is a different matter. It's a fleeting moment. Men and woman do it.

Yes, OH used to blatantly turn his head to look at other women.my self esteem is very low. After so many arguments I have finally stopped caring! We spend very little time together so I pointed out that he could ogle whomever he chose when I wasn't there. I then made a real point of turning my head when a hot guy was in view. He soon stopped doing it once he realised that my behaviour didnt make him feel too good about himself.

I bet other people notice his behaviour and probably feel sorry for you.
He’s making a fool of himself and of you

Mine does - I feel quite embarrassed sometimes especially becsuse he is not young anymore He doesn't know he is doing it, may be it became a habit?

Not a lot you can do tbh, just be confident with yourself and don't let this bother you, I really don't think you can change him.