To want more from my relationship

[Fearingfor]

Wondering if I’m being a bit unreasonable in terms of what I want from my partner.

We have two kids, youngest is 2. Over the last year or two we seem to have drifted apart. I can only explain it by examples. We’ve been together 11 years.

So he works abroad fairly often for a week or two. Over there he is constantly out socialising after work (sometimes with friends, sometimes clients). He drinks most nights and goes to the hotel about 1am (not drunk every night but has a few drinks every night) gets up for work at 7-8am. I have very, very little communication with him during this time. He seems uninterested.

This means that when he comes home we’re just a bit off. I’m so busy with life with the kids and house and he lives an almost separate life. He goes away at least once a fortnight for a night or two and goes abroad at least every 2-3 months for 2 weeks.

Whilst he’s away I would just love to feel like we mattered to him. Sometimes I feel like his friends and colleagues over there don’t know anything about us. And there has been some things which have happened in the past over there (I won’t go into too much detail but partying and I found texts about visiting strippers over there) and id just like some reassurance from him.

This week I was upset by an email I received from someone which I thought was quite rude and uncalled for. I sent him a screenshot of it (there was a few screenshots) and he didn’t bother to read past the first one or comment on it or ask if I was ok. Not until I asked him a few days later. But in this time I’d been upset because of it.

When he’s home (he works from home), he’ll wake up at 8am, help me get the kids ready for school then head into the office til 6pm usually eating dinner 3/4 times a week in his office. He is busy with phone calls all day. We have little interaction.

In the evenings I’ll watch my programmes (which he doesn’t like). He’ll either sit with me on his work laptop or play on his computer in another room.

We went on holiday recently. The location was amazing and I thought it would be great to have family time but felt irritated as he wanted to relax and chill out and whilst I understood this as he works sooo much, he had to be nagged to help with anything. Kids suncream and pool stuff had to be done my me. Otherwise we sat in the room until lunchtime as he just wouldn’t get the energy to get up and organised. A few days he actually suggested we have a day in bed watching movies.

We were in a lovely location, fab weather massive pool and I wanted the kids to have an amazing time and he just couldn’t be arsed. He would brush his teeth, sit down, id hurry him up, he’d put on his swimming shorts, sit down. Honestly it drove me crazy and took so long to get out the hotel room.

We were on holiday for 2 weeks. On the second week he started to get busy with work and was on his phone most of the day (usually emails but a few times on conference calls). I just felt so deflated?!

On the other hand, am I unreasonable as he works hard has an extremely senior role which allows for me to stay home with the kids. I don’t know?

I’ve went majorly off sex in the last 6 months and don’t feel attracted to him. Although I know this could come back if I felt connected to him.

So is this quite normal when a man works away a lot in a senior role and the other person is at home with kids. Sometimes I just wish I could have him here, in a normal job, normal pay, me working too perhaps and just a normal family life. Maybe someone with a partner that works away can share their experience?

I'm in a similar situation, I have reached the point where I'm questioning whether I want to live my life like this; but we've been together for half the time you have. For me it's a combination of resentment (he can still live life largely as he chooses, yet I gave up a career I loved our family and cannot), and the fact we have simply drifted apart. We have spent more time apart than together since living together and since having our daughter, and when he is here he almost feels like a stranger- which is so sad as we used to be very much in love and happy. It's so hard, but if you've spoken to him about it and he isn't making an effort to change, then not sure he will. Hopefully someone will be around with a more positive experience.

Sorry to say op, that sounds like a miserable marriage, he has checked out of family life and you and the kids are no longer his priority. This is why you don't feel supported by him when he's away. You're no longer attracted to him, understandably.

How long are you prepared to put up with things as they are if nothing changes?

Thanks, helps to know I’m not the only one (although not great you’re in a similar situation).

The thing that’s troubling me is that we get married in 6 months. Everything is booked and I’m just feeling a bit scared I guess.

Yesterday I texted him saying “wonder if I will get to speak to you for more than 5 minutes today?” He seems surprised and said it’s not like that, his days are literally packed, he doesn’t have a minute and he misses us. So he seems oblivious . Now it’s Friday night and he’s out and have hardly heard from him all day. He’s out socialising again.

It seems to be the done thing with his colleagues however. They all go over in a group and I get the feeling most of them go over there and hardly speak to their wives. It’s all work work work then drink drink drink after work.

You need to schedule some time for just you. It will hopefully help rebalanced the situation and make you feel better.

That sounds really rubbish. That’s no way to live. It wouldn’t be quite so bad if you could have lovely holidays. I would tackle this head on now with a view to calling off the wedding if necessary.

Come on op, if he missed you and the kids, why isn't he making more effort on holiday? Why is prioritising talking to you of an evening instead of going out socialising?

I really don't think you should marry him. It's a life of loneliness and resentment.

If I were you I'd be thinking long and hard if you want this to be the rest of your life. He's checked out and doesn't seem that bothered about you and the DC. He's more concerned with work and socialising with his colleagues. You need to think seriously about cancelling the wedding IMO. It's a lot easier to cancel wedding plans than to fight it out with divorce lawyers. You and your DC deserve a lot more than you're getting right now in this relationship.

Yeah, it’s so hard to see it clearly when I’m in the middle of experiencing it. Anytime I Express unhappiness, postponing the wedding, he seems distraught . Like really upset.

He seems happy with this level of connection and life.

Are you able to get back to the career you love? If you are not married to him, I am not sure how much you/kids can get if you leave him.

I found this with an absent partner. I missed the idea of him being at home but then when he was he felt like an annoying houseguest interferring with the way I do things. I think a lot of military wives manage so well with this. Maybe because they know their husbands can't speak to them, not that they don't necessarily want to. It's a little concerning that you have the wedding in six months. Do you think it's a little bit of cold feet adding to your feelings?
It seems as though he doesn't realise the effect his absences are having on you, if that's any excuse. Have you actually told him, during a clear and concise discussion, how you feel? A text such as the one you sent appears, out of context, to be a little bit passive aggressive to be honest. Would it be possible to establish a new routine whereby he videochats with you/tells the children a bedtime story before he goes out? He needs to grow up and prioritise his family. He's not a single man who hasn't got any responsibilities. You work hard, basically as a single parent, too. I think you could try making your non-negotiable expectations of him very clear and he can either shape up or jog on.

Yes it was passive aggressive, a dig really. I was just so pissed off. And now tonight it’s the same and I know because it’s a Friday that it’ll be a proper night out from them over there and I might not hear from him all night.

I’m not sure what is acceptable demands to put down however. When he’s over there and it’s all about working and socialising, I almost feel unreasonable to say “call us, speak to the kids, etc” as none of the other guys are doing this either.

When he comes home I will sit down and speak to him about it.

He seems happy with this level of connection and life.

But you're not. So, he's fully aware of that, what has he done to address it other than get so upset every time you raise it that you feel you have to shut up?

To be brutally honest, I would not even contemplate marrying into this. No way.

If this is what he's like now, and he knows you're unhappy and has done literally nothing to respond to that, it won't get better after marriage. If anything, the opposite.

He should want to call to speak to you all given how much time he spends away. Regardless of what other people are or are not doing.

Why do you feel unreasonable for making such a minor request?

Because I feel a bit controlling I guess.

Make sure you call me. Make sure you respond to text messages. Face time me to read a story to the kids. I feel like a bloody nag doing that.

If he acts distraught when you bring up postponing the wedding, why isn’t he doing more to make you happy when he is away? I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

That's a slippery slope, the sort of 'lads on tour' bloke mentality. And it's actually very immature. He is a family man not a single lad. He can't be embarrassed to say, "I'll meet you downstairs in ten, I'm just going to say goodnight to the kids". He has a senior position so he is able to shape the tone of these trips.
I don't blame you for being extremely pissed off, it's a very lonely life, being in a relationship but feeling alone. Good luck lovely x

When I am texting him and he’s out at a pub for example, I will get minimum amount of text messages and then I’ll say something like ok well I’m going to bed. Good night. Xxx And he’ll respond with almost relief that he can stop texting me. Like oh ok sleep well good night love u xxxx.

My gut is screaming at me that he does not care enough. But sometimes I feel like I’m too needy and spend all day at home with kids and am not handling him having his job and the socialising that comes along with that.

And I know this is superficial but when he’s over there he’s eating out every night and drinking and has gained a lot of weight. He’s probably 3-4 stone overweight (guess) and I’m really focused on healthy eating and keeping fit and feels like we are moving even further apart based on this (like I said I could get past this if I felt a connection with him)

he gives too much priority to his work, he thinks he needs to.
and also i think he prefers it to difficult family life. its like his escape.
in the meantime he is losing you and will find it hard to accept that.
it sounds like you are at a turning point where you cant take it anymore.
i think its best to see a relate counselor together asap.

I think you need a proper chat, not these passive aggressive messages. I’d probably say that the wedding/relationship was contingent on attending couples counselling.

I’m away with mostly male colleagues. Those with families make no secret of disappearing before dinner to ring home, or they skip dinner/drinks in order to skype and help with homework.

I would say LTB, but marry him first

Hi OP

Sorry if this sounds callous but if you dont marry him and leave with the kids, how will you cope financially?

I think some things are reasonable and some arent. If he is in a senior position, he probably is expected to be on call on holiday if anything major crops up. He will probably be exhausted on his down time. He might have to socialise a lot of nights.

But

If hes that senior, surely that comes with a degree of flexibility? A lot of senior people can work from home. Can say they're coming in late on Wednesdays as they're dropping their kids off at school and nobody minds as they know they do 12 hour days the rest of the time. Can take a sabbatical. Also I dont think getting up at I to help with the kids is great, he should be doing more than his fair share when he is around, and I'm sure at least one of them will be up earlier than this! I work for one of the largest companies in the world and one of our senior world leaders took a significant time off when his kids were small. Some people dont have the type of relationship where they speak to each other every day. Me and my husband certainly don't. We have just never been good at speaking on the phone. But I would absolutely expect a reply if I texted him saying I was upset about something. Partners are meant to support each other emotionally as well as practically and he doesnt have to be there to do that. My husband works away not as long periods as yours but he will still sort stuff out for the kids when hes away (e.g. if I ask him to sort out payments for a club or something for nursery he will still do it). I'd also expect him to make time to facetime the kids if they wanted to. 2 weeks for them is a long time. I remember my own dad who was very involved being away a few weeks at a time and I definitely felt very shy around him when he came back. It doesnt matter what his colleagues do or what the culture is - unless he is with a customer who he doesnt know very well, no one is going to mind at all if someone says I'll meet you 20 min later as I'm going to Skype my kids. I work in a laddish drinking culture and still no one would bat an eyelid at that and even if there was some stupid 'under the thumb' piss taking, that would be it

Sorry this was a bit of a ramble. I think you need to sit him down and state just how unhappy you are and how his behaviour makes you feel. And how you are concerned for the future if nothing changes. Do you want to be like this in 10 more years? Be specific about what you want and need. E.g. in a 2 week holiday he can have the first 2 or 3 mornings to himself lazing in bed and then is 100pc present. Facetime every 2 nights for the kids. A school run a week when he is home. Would you want to go back to work? A nanny should be affordable on his salary