To want more from my relationship

[Fearingfor]

Wondering if I’m being a bit unreasonable in terms of what I want from my partner.

We have two kids, youngest is 2. Over the last year or two we seem to have drifted apart. I can only explain it by examples. We’ve been together 11 years.

So he works abroad fairly often for a week or two. Over there he is constantly out socialising after work (sometimes with friends, sometimes clients). He drinks most nights and goes to the hotel about 1am (not drunk every night but has a few drinks every night) gets up for work at 7-8am. I have very, very little communication with him during this time. He seems uninterested.

This means that when he comes home we’re just a bit off. I’m so busy with life with the kids and house and he lives an almost separate life. He goes away at least once a fortnight for a night or two and goes abroad at least every 2-3 months for 2 weeks.

Whilst he’s away I would just love to feel like we mattered to him. Sometimes I feel like his friends and colleagues over there don’t know anything about us. And there has been some things which have happened in the past over there (I won’t go into too much detail but partying and I found texts about visiting strippers over there) and id just like some reassurance from him.

This week I was upset by an email I received from someone which I thought was quite rude and uncalled for. I sent him a screenshot of it (there was a few screenshots) and he didn’t bother to read past the first one or comment on it or ask if I was ok. Not until I asked him a few days later. But in this time I’d been upset because of it.

When he’s home (he works from home), he’ll wake up at 8am, help me get the kids ready for school then head into the office til 6pm usually eating dinner 3/4 times a week in his office. He is busy with phone calls all day. We have little interaction.

In the evenings I’ll watch my programmes (which he doesn’t like). He’ll either sit with me on his work laptop or play on his computer in another room.

We went on holiday recently. The location was amazing and I thought it would be great to have family time but felt irritated as he wanted to relax and chill out and whilst I understood this as he works sooo much, he had to be nagged to help with anything. Kids suncream and pool stuff had to be done my me. Otherwise we sat in the room until lunchtime as he just wouldn’t get the energy to get up and organised. A few days he actually suggested we have a day in bed watching movies.

We were in a lovely location, fab weather massive pool and I wanted the kids to have an amazing time and he just couldn’t be arsed. He would brush his teeth, sit down, id hurry him up, he’d put on his swimming shorts, sit down. Honestly it drove me crazy and took so long to get out the hotel room.

We were on holiday for 2 weeks. On the second week he started to get busy with work and was on his phone most of the day (usually emails but a few times on conference calls). I just felt so deflated?!

On the other hand, am I unreasonable as he works hard has an extremely senior role which allows for me to stay home with the kids. I don’t know?

I’ve went majorly off sex in the last 6 months and don’t feel attracted to him. Although I know this could come back if I felt connected to him.

So is this quite normal when a man works away a lot in a senior role and the other person is at home with kids. Sometimes I just wish I could have him here, in a normal job, normal pay, me working too perhaps and just a normal family life. Maybe someone with a partner that works away can share their experience?

Cross post.

"I feel like I may be putting the blame onto him but in reality I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. I am zero desire to want to be intimate with him or even kiss him. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and said I felt like we needed to work on building our connection together and he said something along the lines of when he gets home (tonight) we can just spend all night in bed once the kids are down. I really don't want to though and the thought makes me feel sick. I know that's my fault, my problem and am I in the wrong??"

Of course it's not your fault and you're not in the wrong.

Why on earth would you want to have sex with a man who has been ignoring, neglecting and cheating on you?!

I did ask to go part time before I quit but they were not keen. They allowed me very reluctantly to drop a day but it was still 8-5pm Monday to Thursday. I felt like my kids had no parent involvement and I wasn't happy with that.

Sometimes I feel like just using this situation to my advantage. Stay home with the kids, not worry about finances, let him work as much as he wants with whatever level of contact he wants. But I feel fake. I still want to be in love with my partner, especially when I am planning a wedding. I didn't imagine feeling this way when I was approaching my wedding. I don't want to go a honeymoon and not even want to have sex or be near him...

OP do not marry him. Don’t go on honeymoon with a man disinterested in you who you don’t even want to kiss.
Please don’t do that!

Quite likely he loves the status a wife/kids/house brings (to go with his shiny job). But with fuck all effort. Nobody except you knows how little effort he puts in. Only you can start living your life authentically. You sound like you are heading for a cliff with the wedding coming up. Good for you for listening to your gut and posting here.

Start today by cancelling the wedding arrangements. I guarantee you’ll feel better the minute you do that.

"They allowed me very reluctantly to drop a day but it was still 8-5pm Monday to Thursday. I felt like my kids had no parent involvement and I wasn't happy with that."

Do you really think that children whose primary carer works 4 days a week have "no parent involvement"?!

They still get 3 days a week plus mornings and evenings.

But if you want to stay in a loveless relationship with an arsehole just so you can be a SAHM, knock yourself out.

So do you really think he has cheated on me?

It had never crossed my mind. I trusted him more than anything. Then I released what the other guys were like over there. I found messages about them in a strip bar. He insists he didn't want to go and left within 30 minutes with another colleague as he didn't feel comfortable. And I do believe him as I think I know him and do/did trust him.

Then I discovered that when he texted me saying he was in bed at 1am he was actually in a club/colleagues hotel room/bar and was staying up til 5/6/7am.

After this I started to becoming more demanding of him when he went abroad. I'd check up on him more as I didn't trust his words. Last time (in May) he turned his phone off when I was asking when he was going home. At 6am he turned it back on but I had been unable to sleep as I had seen a picture on social media of a female colleague very close to him. That was him back in the hotel room but as I was angry with him I texted him saying please don't even bother coming home. He then texted his colleagues in the group chat saying "whos going back out? my misses says its over so get the vodka lets go out"

Then he went back out drinking til 10am. After that ive felt so down and this trip has been this first time hes been back over since.

OP that’s awful. He doesn’t give a monkeys about you.

Do you want this to be your life?

@AnotherEmma, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that he was having very very little involvement in their life. he continued to work as much as ever.

I was leaving at 7:30am sometime sbefore my youngest was awake and it broke my heart and I felt like they deserved more especially when I didn't need to work. We were both so busy and I couldn't get used to it.

Marriage to him is not going to change the relationship and he is not going to step up further just because he went onto marry. You will simply be in for more of the same.

I would seriously consider cancelling the wedding arrangements, your heart does not seem to be at all in this. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

Really splitting up wouldn't make much difference to him or you as your lives are so separate and he's so disengaged, (and you're getting there).

Don't get married, just tell him not to come home anymore instead. You'll do better without him.

I think I think that maybe this is fairly normal for a long term relationship, two kids later. I don't know?

I don't know what to do regarding the wedding. As it approaches I feel more of a dread feeling than excitement. everyone is excited, I have appointments booked for things this coming week. Im not sure if its because I don't really enjoy the stress of organising the wedding, being the centre of attention or because I don't want it but I don't feel happy.

I don't understand why you want to marry someone you find physically repellent and who lies to you?

What you are describing is not normal for a long term relationship with two children. The power and control balance is well in his favour here with you having very little of this within it.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Honestly if you feel this way about your wedding now I would cancel it because those feelings are both valid and are not going to go away. If you were standing in front of me I'd be telling you the same too. It also seems that its all come down to you to organise everything.

How old are you both?

The one positive is that when you have quality time you enjoy it.
He seems very immature, what industry is he in? Usually senior roles don't tolerate this behaviour as demands in work just doesn't allow for it. How does he function if up all night.

Do you pay into a pension? CMS is capped at a certain level so don't assume you will get a decent amount. Check the CMS calculator

No, it's not normal to have nothing to say to your partner and no interest in them, (nor the rest of it), in a long term relationship.

Ah christ, mumsnetters always think there's cheating going on.

Not necessarily OP, I think some men are actually ok with a minimal level of contact and interaction, which feels really disconcerting. My husband's quite like this, and the way he described it once is that he's so certain and content with us that he doesn't really think about us. I did point out that that leads to us taking each other for granted, and he's upped his effort since. It sounds like your partner needs to wake up and realise that relationships take work - not in the early days when it's all easy and you always want to be reaching out to each other, but later on when you feel tired/there's something cool on tv/there's a night out with colleagues to go to. It's not hard work - you love the other person and so having a chat isn't unpleasant! But it is work. And he needs to be 100% honest with you, no question about that.

What's your life like outside of the home? You're not career minded, but what about friends and social time for you? Is your partner your primary source of adult company?

Both around 30.

He is in IT. I have no idea how he functions either?

The CMS calculator estimates around £800-900 per month. Does that seem about right?

No it's not normal to not want to have sex with your OH , to be kind of repulsed by the idea. Especially only a few months before getting hitched it's supposed to be an exciting happy time. It's not your fault you feel that way though I'd be the same.

In context DH and I have been together 6 yrs married 1 yr and have 2 dc under age of 4. We have our moments and arguments like most people but we still have fun together, he's good with kids when home despite working long hours running a building firm plus renovating our house, still affectionate and still enjoy sex (Altho not as often Cos of kids, being busy & tiredness lol).

Your life is too short to be with someone not invested In you

Yes I think he's cheated/cheating but it doesn't actually matter whether he has/is. The fact is that the relationship is shit, he is often physically unavailable and always emotionally unavailable and you are (understandably) not attracted to him. It sounds like you're staying with him for the money basically, so you can be a SAHM. I suggest you leave and try to get a part time job.

Thanks. Do you believe there is anyway we could come back from feeling this way?

I don’t think so. Because he has no respect for you.

I think the kind of disengagement in a long-term relationship is normal, in the sense that it is unfortunately common and is an understandable place to end up.

But that does not mean it is right. Loads of relationships feel a huge amount better than this - including long term ones. And Op, you can have and deserve a much better relationship and should not 'settle' for this.... either by proactively working on your current relationship or, if that fails by finding a new one in time.

The fact that you haven't yet had really effective, explicit talks about this, and that positive feelings come back on the rare occasions you have quality time together suggests to me there is something there to work with before giving up.

I do think couples counseling could help, as it feels like both of you have plenty to explore - individually and together, and feels like you are maybe not that confident having frank conversations without support. You might want to consider making that a condition of continuing with wedding plans.

Just saw your question about whether you can come back from this.

My answer is I don't know. I don't actually see that your husband has no respect for you- he is failing to make you happy right now and he is disengaged, but I don't see disrespect. I think this is probably fairly similar for you, OP.

My sense is that unless a huge trust barrier has been broken, or the person is being abusive or clearly indifferent to how you feel (you have described neither of these) then there is a path to revitalize the relationship.

To do so, though, takes hard work on both your parts and changing some pretty baked in patterns - both actual lifestyle stuff and stuff around how you communicate. I do not think, based on what you have said, that it will 'float back' to being better from a few random conversations or tweaks around the edges. You need to seriously reconnect and reboot if this is to work.

agree with BraveGoldie and lifebegins50.
it sounds like there is still stuff that can help to save your relationship.
as i said before relate counselor may help, but before marriage.

We can't say if CMS figure seems right without Knowing what he earns. I get £900 a month for two slightly older kids, based om exh's declared salary of £105 grand a year. So you can work our from that if it seems about correct?
Be careful though because he can lower the amount by choosing to pay more into his pension, which the CMS don't take into account when working out the figure.

Oh god, don't marry him. Don't even think about it.

He is living like a single man (even when he's in the same room as you) and I would bet there were other women involved. He just doesn't care about his family any more. Like you say, it's one big boys' holiday - why would they not be going to strip bars and shagging women? It's all about him, isn't it?

Don't worry about what he wants. He does that. Think about what you want. It sounds a horrible life with him - he doesn't care, he doesn't even want to play with his own kids, ffs.

I'd think carefully about where I wanted to live. Did you say you're now 500 miles from family? I'd go back there. He can visit for weekends and see the kids - they will see more of him that way than if you stay nearby.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - what a horrible time for you. But don't extend it any longer by marrying this guy.