To want more from my relationship

[Fearingfor]

Wondering if I’m being a bit unreasonable in terms of what I want from my partner.

We have two kids, youngest is 2. Over the last year or two we seem to have drifted apart. I can only explain it by examples. We’ve been together 11 years.

So he works abroad fairly often for a week or two. Over there he is constantly out socialising after work (sometimes with friends, sometimes clients). He drinks most nights and goes to the hotel about 1am (not drunk every night but has a few drinks every night) gets up for work at 7-8am. I have very, very little communication with him during this time. He seems uninterested.

This means that when he comes home we’re just a bit off. I’m so busy with life with the kids and house and he lives an almost separate life. He goes away at least once a fortnight for a night or two and goes abroad at least every 2-3 months for 2 weeks.

Whilst he’s away I would just love to feel like we mattered to him. Sometimes I feel like his friends and colleagues over there don’t know anything about us. And there has been some things which have happened in the past over there (I won’t go into too much detail but partying and I found texts about visiting strippers over there) and id just like some reassurance from him.

This week I was upset by an email I received from someone which I thought was quite rude and uncalled for. I sent him a screenshot of it (there was a few screenshots) and he didn’t bother to read past the first one or comment on it or ask if I was ok. Not until I asked him a few days later. But in this time I’d been upset because of it.

When he’s home (he works from home), he’ll wake up at 8am, help me get the kids ready for school then head into the office til 6pm usually eating dinner 3/4 times a week in his office. He is busy with phone calls all day. We have little interaction.

In the evenings I’ll watch my programmes (which he doesn’t like). He’ll either sit with me on his work laptop or play on his computer in another room.

We went on holiday recently. The location was amazing and I thought it would be great to have family time but felt irritated as he wanted to relax and chill out and whilst I understood this as he works sooo much, he had to be nagged to help with anything. Kids suncream and pool stuff had to be done my me. Otherwise we sat in the room until lunchtime as he just wouldn’t get the energy to get up and organised. A few days he actually suggested we have a day in bed watching movies.

We were in a lovely location, fab weather massive pool and I wanted the kids to have an amazing time and he just couldn’t be arsed. He would brush his teeth, sit down, id hurry him up, he’d put on his swimming shorts, sit down. Honestly it drove me crazy and took so long to get out the hotel room.

We were on holiday for 2 weeks. On the second week he started to get busy with work and was on his phone most of the day (usually emails but a few times on conference calls). I just felt so deflated?!

On the other hand, am I unreasonable as he works hard has an extremely senior role which allows for me to stay home with the kids. I don’t know?

I’ve went majorly off sex in the last 6 months and don’t feel attracted to him. Although I know this could come back if I felt connected to him.

So is this quite normal when a man works away a lot in a senior role and the other person is at home with kids. Sometimes I just wish I could have him here, in a normal job, normal pay, me working too perhaps and just a normal family life. Maybe someone with a partner that works away can share their experience?

I also would suggest marrying him then divorcing. You've no protection right now.

I don't think the being away is the real problem. 2 nights a fortnight and 2 weeks every 3 months means he is mostly at home. You are complaining he doesn't interact much with you when he is away or during the day when he is working from home. Yet when he is there with you of an evening you are watching tv so he is either in his laptop or computer. So why not turn the tv and laptop off and talk to each other for a bit? Doesn't have to be all night or every night. You both need to find a happy medium.

Also dont feel like a nag! You're disappointed that he doesnt seem to want to be involved in your of the kids lives when he's away and it makes you feel hurt. That's normal. Maybe 20 years ago when you could only make really expensive phone calls from abroad it would have been nagging but now it's so easy to keep in touch. You can either let the resentment build up or try and sort it out

Thanks for that point @sweeneytoddsrazor. I guess I look forward to the kids bedtimes to chill out and watch tv. Sometimes I just feel so meh about him that I just can’t be arsed turning the tv to spend time with him. But when I do, or when we go a weekend away or dinner to a restaurant alone, I really love it and feel so happy.

But it quickly slips into the usual routine in day to day life. He usually has work to do in the evenings so I’ll sit and watch tv, he’ll sit at the other side and work on his laptop. If he doesn’t need to work he’ll have his down time and play his computer with friends which he enjoys but I don’t.

I also have slight trust issues about things that have happened whilst he’s been working abroad. He’s been doing it for the past 6 years and in the early days I was so relaxed about it. I felt sorry for him that he was over there providing for our family (I did also work). Then I slowly realised it was like a lads holiday when they weren’t working. Lots of partying, staying out all night (5-6am), lying sometimes about trivial stuff and deleting messages.

Based on this I now need contact from him to feel secure and I’m not getting it but maybe it’s becuase previously I didn’t need this and was quite happy to just get on with life without him here. But trust broke down and now I feel like a needy unhappy nag at home.

Sorry OP he sounds untrustworthy. I would suggest couple counselling to start being open with each other and rebuilding trust.

Thanks, We are apparently working on trust and I hoped that would mean less socialising over there and more contact but this is the first time he’s been over there since May and when he was there last time we almost split up due to his untrustworthy behaviour. There wasn’t any cheating I’m sure but I feel a female colleague was getting too close to him (based on pictures I seen on social media). Then he lied, turned his phone off and was just generally horrible.

When he came home we worked it out and this is the first time he’s been over since and I expected him to put be first a bit more. And he hasn’t and it just hurts so much. But he genuinely seems oblivious.

Hello OP
Sorry you are having these difficulties. I agree with many other posters that having a good open talk with him is important - and no you shouldn't feel bad about having needs and wants in the relationship. (Though these will probably be best heard by saying positively what you do want, rather than complaining about what you are getting).

I also agree he seems to have checked out a bit and is not doing much to make you happy (bar working hard to support you and your family). However, I think it sounds a bit like the same is true for you.... you are working hard to look after his children, but what are you doing to think about what makes him happy? Or to get off automatic pilot in a positive way?

Everything you talk about is what you don't like.... what about him? For example, I can understand you not being interested in a movie day in bed on holiday when you are at home with the tv every day- but I can see why that would be a lovely way for him to relax and it is his holiday too. If you were up for it, it could be a lovely, fun way to connect without pressure...You were gone for two weeks - why on earth not build in a couple of movie days? And why shouldn't he move slowly on the way to the pool? You want him to be interested in your life, but I wonder how interested you are in his? (You May be, I don't know)

You say he is happy with the level of connection. To be honest, I doubt that is true - men are just more likely to shut down and avoid - they are often less aware of their unhappiness- burying it, and then possibly, I am afraid 'fixing' their unmet needs in other ways - eating, computer games, or worse - in time - an affair etc.....

I hope this is useful - none of it is meant to be attacking. I wish you lots of luck in getting out of this rut one way or another.

Thanks @BraveGoldie, I appreciate that. I would rather people be honest with me so I can see all sides.

On holiday I just felt a bit disappointed. Our two year old is full of energy and a movie day just seems such a waste. We travelled 2 days, 2 flights long haul and I just couldn’t get my head round having a movie day in a hotel room. But then maybe I am in the wrong? Just when I see the kids on their iPads or watching tv especially on holiday I feel like I’m failing (maybe that’s wrong of me) and want them out having a great time in the pool and outdoors. Especially as where we live is such awful weather 80% of the time.

I take all the other points on board however and I agree. I don’t put enough effort in either and that is something I can change. I feel resentful most of the times and hurt and should put this aside.

Ugh, he seems to love his work life more than his family life. Tehre seem to be quite a few workaholic type blokes like this on MN and they seem a pretty pitiful bunch IMO

I honestly would think about going back to work, at least part-time. I would recommend that to any mum anyway, but here I think you need to take the edge off the 'doing it for you' argument AND build your own life - just in case. If he is as well paid as it sounds, your family income should be able to cover any childcare (and cleaning?) so it doesn't come back as extra load on you - but if he is entitled to go out and build his career and enjoy his work, why not you too?

Also, if you have your own out-of-home stuff going on, you might find you don't miss him so much. Which could cut either way in the long run of course...

@Fearingfor yanbu regarding the 'movie day' in the hotel room!!! Never in my entire life have I ever heard of a family having a movie day abroad on holiday??? Like you said make the most of the weather!! I could understand the suggestion had the destination been in the UK and it was a rainy day but my god why would he want to do that otherwise?? He sounds really lazy and I'm not a morning person whatsoever but I'd be furious if I had to kick someone up the arse to get them out of the hotel room by midday! What a waste.

Regarding everything else I don't think I would go ahead with the wedding feeling like you do. I'm not suggesting cancelling but perhaps postponing until you figure out what you want from life and your future as a couple.

It doesn't sound like you've actually sat down and discussed as a couple the work life balance you both have and what you both want for your family? Do you want a career too? You are allowed to say to him the working overseas is not something you can tolerate any more, it's having too much impact on you and the DC and he needs to look for a different job. It's an open ended discussion to strive after that balance in your lives.

Ok, I think there are issues that need to be worked on but after 11 years and with 2 children I’d think very carefully about walking away before you are married. If you split up now you are likely to be entitled to far less than if you were married.

I’d look to get a job, part-time if you want, and put the dc in childcare. This gives you some other adult contact and an independent income which you may need in the future. I’d set out some minimum requirements when he is away, FaceTiming the kids and you at a set point each evening. And I’d get married. And then, if things aren’t better I’d set it out to him and I’d leave if it didn’t change but with a fair share of house, pension etc.

I've read all your posts but not the replies.

The first thing that is screamingly obvious is that he acts like a single man and cheats on you when he is working away. He could very easily have affairs and one-night stands, and based on your description of his behaviour, it's clear that he has done. But this doesn't seem to an issue for you?! You're kind of glossing over it in your posts - you seem to be minimising it or putting it down to trust/communication issues or something. But if you are honest with yourself (if not with us) I think you know in your gut that he has cheated, probably many times.

Secondly, even when he is at home (or with you on holiday), he is completely disengaged and checked out.

In short, he is treating you like absolute shit. No respect, no love, he doesn't even seem interested in you or the children. Why is that OK with you?

How long have you been a SAHM? What kind of job did you have before and do you think you would be able to get something similar again?

Is the family home mortgaged or rented and is it in his name only or in joint names? Do you have a joint account or completely separate finances? Do you have any savings in your own name?

You need to LTB but you're potentially in a very precarious financial position. Hence all my questions before advising on next steps.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would ask why you and he are still together at all now. Do not stay with him just because or for the children.

I would not want to marry such a person because he is also being absent emotionally as well as physically to his children. Marriage is not going to change him and his inherent selfishness and there is already an emotional affair in the background.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and on a wider level, what did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Would you want them to have such a relationship as adults, no you would not want this for them.

Trust also is very hard to regain properly once it is lost and he has to want to put the necessary work in too. Counselling for your own self is a necessary prerequisite; I doubt very much that he would go to any sessions anyway citing work pressures so go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a safe and calm environment.

Do not whatever you do walk away before you are married, you need the protection it provides even if your DP does manage to change his behaviour and it's all fine in the end.

One parent working away can work well, my DF did it and was away more often than your DP, and my parents have been together 30+ years. But my DF was very involved with my DB and I when he was home, he made sure to make the most of the time he had with us. He said to me when I was complaining about being a SAHM that his biggest regret in life is not having as much time with DB and I. On holidays we would often retire to our rooms at midday to avoid the hottest part of the day, and watch movies, then back out in the afternoon, I think when people work so hard they do just want to really chill when they are away - he deserves to be cut some slack on that, but he also needs to help with the shitwork. My DF used to sit with his laptop on the beach sometimes though

Only you know if this is salvageable, I suggest having a big talk setting out all your issues and what you want him to do to make you feel secure. But wait until you're married to do it. Then if you do chose to split you and your DC won't be left up shit creek without a paddle.

My exh h was quite like this. He was obsessed with work-he came home-late-and worked some more. He went out with work a fair bit and friends less-but still more than me. He talked about work all the time.
In fairness he worked hard and was trying to advance 'for us' (though he was very ego driven and he enjoyed there work-he wasn't quite the martyr he presented himself as).
He also put on a lot of weight and having lost connection with him as you describe I struggled to fancy him.
Meanwhile I had two little kids and a full time job myself. I was knackered.
We drifted apart and then he got 'close' to a female colleague at work. He claimed nothing physical happened but the damage was done.
We limped on for a few more years but eventually split up.

He is now more senior and wealthy. He has the life he seemingly wanted-kids 3 nights a week (and he fairly frequently swaps or cancels them), rich single man the rest of the time.
I struggle a bit for money at times and manage the kids around work. It's not always easy and I sometimes wonder if i should have made more effort to keep us together for material reasons. But I realise that the overwhelming sense of resentment I used to feel is gone-and I'd rather be free of that than be living back in that situation (and be a bit wealthier).

You need to weigh the two positions up. But be aware that if you choose to stay he won't be changing any time soon-so you need to make a good life for yourself within the life you have now and come to terms with fact that he won't even be able to see his own behaviour is an issue, much less change it.

Firstly, I admire your restraint. I would have lost my shit with him by now, especially if there's been untrustworthy and nasty behaviour.

Secondly, it sounds like his life has barely changed since family came along. My DH is a bit the same. He works away 1-4 night a week (in the UK) and I'm a SAHM. The difference is he messages me every morning, calls/messages me during the day and FaceTimes me at night. Yes if he's away then often he and his colleagues go out for dinner and drinks but, to his credit, he always comes out the pub and FaceTimes or calls me before I go to bed and wants to hear about my day and how DS is. Practically his life hasn't really changed as he can still go away when he wants (he sets his own working week location) and has plenty of peaceful nights in hotels and socialising and while sometimes it irritates me if he's away a lot week in week out I still feel that he's still connected to us and gives us his all on weekends and holidays. Plus he's never done anything to make me worry about his fidelity.

You're not getting that from your other half. I would definitely marry him for the legal protection but I would also have a serious chat with him about how you feel about all of this, give it a bit of time post marriage to see if he steps up and, if not, seriously consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this.

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to be treated with respect and consideration in your marriage. In fact, I think you are expecting too little rather than too much!

The people who are happiest in their marriages are the ones who are able to insist on being treated with fairness and respect imo. Why do you think you deserve so little?

I would have concerns about splitting up without being married - do you realise that you would be entitled to very little from a split?

If he cared about family life, or your relationship, you would know. There is no love or care on his part. He’s happy with how things are (as it requires basically no effort from him) but you aren’t.

You aren’t a nag. You want very basic things from him. Communication, interest, support, love.

I think you would be much happier on your own, as you wouldn’t have to live with the horrible disappointed feeling and resentment all the time. However, don’t screw yourself over financially. Work out your finances, get a job, see if it would be worth getting married before ending the relationship.

I have 2 kids but I’m staying single until I meet someone who adores me. It seems a lot of men aren’t capable of being a good partner, and I won’t settle. Life is too short for that.

Regarding the job situation. We have been together since uni so after university I got a graduate job but left after having a baby as we had moved 500 miles away and we wanted to be closer to family.

After my second child I stayed home and the plan was until she started school. Last year however I got a full time job as I was worried about our relationship. It was in a similar industry to my graduate job and fairly well paid.

After 6 months I couldn't take it any longer especially knowing I didn't NEED to work. We had a cleaner but I missed the kids so terribly. I left the house at 7:30am and didn't get home til 6pm and my partner still worked as much as abroad as much. So I left.

I have 50% of the savings in my name and the house is in both of our names. So I think im ok in terms of that? I would be entitled to a fair amount of child support from him as I know I would continue to be the main carer. With this in mind do you still feel I need the protection of marriage?

My youngest starts her free childcare soon so I could find a job to work around those hours im sure. Im not very career focused and came to realise that when I got the full time job. I don't want to miss out on their life and enjoy b

being a major part of their life. Maybe im delusional and would regret it but I honestly thinking having not as much money but feeling happy in general would be better than feeling this way.

I feel like I may be putting the blame onto him but in reality I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. I am zero desire to want to be intimate with him or even kiss him. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and said I felt like we needed to work on building our connection together and he said something along the lines of when he gets home (tonight) we can just spend all night in bed once the kids are down. I really don't want to though and the thought makes me feel sick. I know that's my fault, my problem and am I in the wrong??

Everyone is so excited about the wedding but I just feel so fake.

"I have 50% of the savings in my name and the house is in both of our names. So I think im ok in terms of that? I would be entitled to a fair amount of child support from him as I know I would continue to be the main carer. With this in mind do you still feel I need the protection of marriage?"

Based on this update I don't think you should marry him. I think it would be madness to marry him just so you can divorce and get more money out of him later. Divorces can be very stressful and expensive. I think you should just cancel the wedding and try mediation to sort out child contact arrangements and finances.

When you quit your full time job did you consider trying to go part-time? A part-time job could be a good compromise in your situation, if you can get one.