To want more from my relationship

[Fearingfor]

Wondering if I’m being a bit unreasonable in terms of what I want from my partner.

We have two kids, youngest is 2. Over the last year or two we seem to have drifted apart. I can only explain it by examples. We’ve been together 11 years.

So he works abroad fairly often for a week or two. Over there he is constantly out socialising after work (sometimes with friends, sometimes clients). He drinks most nights and goes to the hotel about 1am (not drunk every night but has a few drinks every night) gets up for work at 7-8am. I have very, very little communication with him during this time. He seems uninterested.

This means that when he comes home we’re just a bit off. I’m so busy with life with the kids and house and he lives an almost separate life. He goes away at least once a fortnight for a night or two and goes abroad at least every 2-3 months for 2 weeks.

Whilst he’s away I would just love to feel like we mattered to him. Sometimes I feel like his friends and colleagues over there don’t know anything about us. And there has been some things which have happened in the past over there (I won’t go into too much detail but partying and I found texts about visiting strippers over there) and id just like some reassurance from him.

This week I was upset by an email I received from someone which I thought was quite rude and uncalled for. I sent him a screenshot of it (there was a few screenshots) and he didn’t bother to read past the first one or comment on it or ask if I was ok. Not until I asked him a few days later. But in this time I’d been upset because of it.

When he’s home (he works from home), he’ll wake up at 8am, help me get the kids ready for school then head into the office til 6pm usually eating dinner 3/4 times a week in his office. He is busy with phone calls all day. We have little interaction.

In the evenings I’ll watch my programmes (which he doesn’t like). He’ll either sit with me on his work laptop or play on his computer in another room.

We went on holiday recently. The location was amazing and I thought it would be great to have family time but felt irritated as he wanted to relax and chill out and whilst I understood this as he works sooo much, he had to be nagged to help with anything. Kids suncream and pool stuff had to be done my me. Otherwise we sat in the room until lunchtime as he just wouldn’t get the energy to get up and organised. A few days he actually suggested we have a day in bed watching movies.

We were in a lovely location, fab weather massive pool and I wanted the kids to have an amazing time and he just couldn’t be arsed. He would brush his teeth, sit down, id hurry him up, he’d put on his swimming shorts, sit down. Honestly it drove me crazy and took so long to get out the hotel room.

We were on holiday for 2 weeks. On the second week he started to get busy with work and was on his phone most of the day (usually emails but a few times on conference calls). I just felt so deflated?!

On the other hand, am I unreasonable as he works hard has an extremely senior role which allows for me to stay home with the kids. I don’t know?

I’ve went majorly off sex in the last 6 months and don’t feel attracted to him. Although I know this could come back if I felt connected to him.

So is this quite normal when a man works away a lot in a senior role and the other person is at home with kids. Sometimes I just wish I could have him here, in a normal job, normal pay, me working too perhaps and just a normal family life. Maybe someone with a partner that works away can share their experience?

BraveGoldie and lifebegins50 - how can you possibly not see the disrespect that this man has for his family? Are your standards so low?

Yeah the calculation seems about right then. He would no doubt up his pension. But I think I would/could be ok financially. I believe I could make it work and would get a job and with his top up don’t think I couldn’t do it. We have equity in the house and some savings so I think I’d get a house sorted etc too.

We have spoke about this countless times over the past 18 months. That’s why I got the job, we’ve been rebuilding trust and respect but it is continually broken based on small lies & the disrespect he shows when he goes out and starts drinking.

So over time I’ve felt more and more unhappy. In May when the instances happened which I explained In my previous post I was “done”. I genuinely felt in my heart it was over. But he promised me the world, cried, begged and begged and we had the holiday planned and I thought I would see how it went.

Went on holiday and still just felt disappointed in him. His effort in our relationship and as a dad is minimal. He doesn’t seem to want to build a deep bond with the kids. He hardly does bedtime and if he does I’ll walk past the bathroom and he’s on the phone whilst the kids are in the bath. This is the only real time he spends with them all day and he just can’t be bothered it seems.

On the other hand he says in his defence that I just take control of everything to do with the kids. He doesn’t feel like he can do what he wants with them and so that’s the reason he doesn’t do much with them.

Oh yes of course it's all your fault that he's a shit father. That old chestnut. I expect he'll say it's your fault that he's disengaged with you, too - you don't make it interesting enough for him, or something. Fuck that.

"Do you believe there is anyway we could come back from feeling this way?"

In answer to this question... it all depends on whether you've already raised the issues and how's he's reacted. If he listens, apologises, and changes his behaviour - over the long term (ie months not weeks) - then there is hope. But he doesn't listen, rejects what you have to say, blames you instead of apologising, or makes empty promises to change that he doesn't actually follow through, then no I don't think there is any hope. You're flogging a dead horse, hoping/wishing for something that just isn't going to happen. He is the one who needs to change, here, and if he won't do that you're doomed. How much longer are you willing to wait for him? Are you willing to go ahead with the wedding based on how things are and how they have been?

I'm in a similar situation but the other way round - I travel a lot for a busy job and DH is primarily at home taking care of domestic stuff. It's not perfect and there are definitely challenges but the difference is I give a shit and respect him when he needs something. We have regular date nights and when I'm home I do as much she does with DD, the house and the dog. You can appreciate how hard he works to pay for everything while still feeling unappreciated and unloved. He sounds like he's checked out.

Then he’ll say “see I told you when you got me the Father’s Day card it was all a lot of bullshit. You don’t think I’m the best dad ever at all. You think I’m shit”

And I don’t know what to say.

He listens, apologies, does get angry at me but overall always wants to work through it. Sometimes he changes short term but ultimately deep down I just don’t think it’s there for him. I don’t think he wants family life. But I don’t think he’ll ever admit that.

I’m honestly at a cross roads.

I name changed but I had a thread of the weddings forum of my wedding dresses so help me decide. I’m supposed to be going shopping tomorrow again to pick a dress. Everyone is excited about coming and I feel like I’m going through the motions. How can I do this and feel this way at the same time. Sometimes I feel like running away would be easier

His go to fix it all solution is when I complain I’m unhappy with family life/relationship is to book a mini break/hotel/holiday as if that will fix it. But it doesn’t.

Have you told anyone in real life all the things you're telling us on this thread?

If you do just one thing today, I think you should tell one person. A close friend, or your mum or sister - someone.

If you don't want to marry him (the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is a good indication), then you should cancel/postpone the wedding. The only reason you should go ahead with the wedding is if you put yourself in a better financial position in a divorce than if you left him without being married to him.

Go and see a solicitor NOW to find out your financial position.

If the solicitor confirms you would be in a significantly more advantageous position if you were married, then go ahead with the wedding.Perhaps it is easier to go into a wedding knowing you are going to divorce at some point. Sounds really hard nosed but see it as protecting your children's position.

Well, OP owns half the house and has savings in her name. So OP is in a decent position (better than some!) There is still the question of pension pots and future earning potential (hers compromised because of being the primary carer). But is it really worth getting married with the intention of divorcing just for a bit of the pension pot? I am all for people getting what they are entitled to, but that just seems really distasteful to me. By all means get legal advice though - some solicitor do offer a free initial consultation.

"The CMS calculator estimates around £800-900 per month. Does that seem about right?"

I despaired a bit reading this. Do you really want to live a life relying on CMS payments - with your potential?

I am echoing those posters who have suggested working.

Some women are dying to get jobs but have neither the qualifications nor the experience - and you have.

OP I do think getting a job will shift your perspective, focus, and open up your interactions etc. I'm not talking just money.

The kids will grow up one day and then what will be your reason for staying at home with them as the pure focus?
What about your long term pension arrangements?

You sound to me like someone who has lost themselves and your partner cannot do this for you - only you can.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but just think a moment from a different perspective.

Not all jobs are the same - look for one that suits you.

And I am not bashing SAHM as everyone has different reasons, just considering your past posts on this thread. You come across as someone who has options and time to explore those options.

If it was a short marriage it would make very little difference to OP's financial outcome - the courts might take into account length of time living together on top, but overall, I think it's silly to recommend marriage in order to get divorced. Divorce can be very expensive, and if he suspected OP only went through with the marriage to solidify her financial position in quite a calculating way, he's going to be that much more inclined to fight harder in a divorce.

Don't get married, OP.

If we split I would 100% get a job. I wouldn’t rely on his contributions long term but for the immediate future it does provide some help.

I would never marry for the intention of just financial security. The reason this is bugging me is because I’m unsure. I can’t fake it and I want to marry becuase I believe we have a future.

You don't have a future. Not together.
So are you going to do the best for yourself and your children, financially? Or are you going to be brave and strong and proud and not marry him, and not expect to be recompensed for the eleven years you've put in, no doubt while he focused on his work?
Think it through. Take professional advice. What is going to work best for you. He won't think of you - and he probably won't think of the children - so it's down to you to do that.

*I want to marry because I believe we have a future.
*
But do you honestly believe this or are you just kidding yourself in the hope that one day he'll step up? It doesn't sound like he will when you're giving him all these chances. And being physically repulsed by him isn't a good sign either. My DH is overweight but I still love hugs and want to be intimate with him.

your life sounds miserable - you are young and are living pretty much on your own - no sex/ no fun with your partner...... that is no life...
in some respects it doesnt matte rif he has/has not cheated as you dont have a loving relationship anyway..... my dh works long hours stresful job yadda yadda - loves a lie in on holiday ...but no when we had young DC was up and about (or we'd take it in turns) to do stuff with DC as ....he wanted to spend funtime with DC ...... I think the holiday was very telling

why would you prolong this situation - i think its sad he doesnt want to spend time with his family - or you.... but you can't make him change - you can only change yourself..

@Ginger1982 sorry I meant I want to marry because I believe we have a future (which I’m not sure of) not for financial gain as people have suggested. Apart from a pension, I’m not sure what marriage would benefit me in financially?
MAybe I’m wrong and should speak to a professional but even that feels dishonest and calculating and I’m not like that.

You do not have a future with this man, why do you think that you do?.
What does your idea of a future with this man look like anyway?.

Marriage won't change him because this is what he is really like; a selfish and self centered individual who cannot really be at all bothered with you or his children. You already don't feel right at all about this whole planning of the wedding and that is not going to go away.

I asked you what you get out of this relationship; the fact that you cannot answer that as well speaks volumes.

I guess I hope we have a future as we’ve been together for so long, invested so much time with him, established a home for our kids etc. A future without him upsets all of that and puts us into a position where I have never been as an adult. I met him as a teenager so feel absolutely lost without him. Although I do it all alone anyway, knowing he was gone is an uncertainty which is so overwhelming it hurts.

Sorry @AttilaTheMeerkat I didn’t meant to ignore your question. What do I get out of the relationship? Security I guess.

But I think I hold onto the hope that as the kids mature we would get more time together and feel more connected. Our responsibility would lessen and our life’s would grow together.

He is kind and would support me in anything I wanted. If I wanted to go back to university to study he’d support that. Stay at home, support that. Anything I want he makes it happen. For instance I was always self conscious about my teeth.

Dreamed of getting them fixed at the dentist but thought no as I wasn’t working and was a SAHM. But he said go for it. And made it happen. That’s a small example but I know it translates to most situations.

I can understand why you don't want to upset the apple cart and the unknown of being on your own for the first time, since you knew him since a teenager.

Who was the one who initiated the wedding plans. If it was him, do you think he senses you are making escape plans and the marriage is to tie you down.

OP, every time I read posts like this I just want to scream that this man isn’t willing or able to give you the life or future you want. He isn’t that man. The one who Skypes and calls. Who is considerate to you and who ekes out time from a busy job to be a parent. He is not that man. It’s not about his busy job or being tired on holiday. Plenty of men and women get over these things to be an involved partner and parent. Because we want to, it is the primary source of our happiness and enjoyment in life. Your DP doesn’t want to do it not now and when the kids get older he will get a hobby or new worse.

I initiated the wedding. Well I asked to get married about 6 years ago. He said no made excuses then finally done asked last year. I dived straight into wedding plans but this took a turn for the worse after that. Maybe it s A sign.