I feel so awful about myself ...what did I do?

[sarere]

Been casually dating this guy.
He had only been single since March /April when I started dating him.
He's previous ex he bought a house for them to live but they split.
She was violent towards him.
He texts me every day but never speaks about where it's going or feelings etc.
After being in limbo I text him asking him if he wanted to see me Friday.
He said he was busy on Friday.
I said ok next week? He then said he had plans.
I said would you like me to stop asking you to meet up? If your not interested that's really ok but just let me know.
He replied saying "your asking too many questions lately "
"Chill out "
I said sorry and I just want to know where I stand.
I said "are you wanting to see me in the future"
He didn't give me a straight answer ..
Then sent me a picture a hour later of him at work then this afternoon he text asking if I had a nice day.
Last time I seen him was before I had my gall bladder removed and he was lovely to me,hugging me and kissing me.
He texts me every day ...
I'm confused
Do I just say
If you want to date me then date me ..if not fair enough
Ball is in your court now?

Don't bother with him. Go out and enjoy date with no2

No way! Don't put up with headfuckery like this! Blow him off (if probably not even break it off to be honest, just stop texting). And why not? Go have a fun date. Guy 1 sounds like a right plank. I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him.

He made it clear he wanted casual and no commitment but I thought he was actually into me.

So basically, he acted like you were together but whenever you asked for clarification in words is when he goes funny with you and won't give you a straight answer.

Yup, standard jerk behaviour. He doesn't want anything serious but he wants you to really like him (hense the sometimes acting like you are together) to make him feel good about himself. A nasty but not uncommon sort.

I know they have a way of drawing you in, chemistry, making you feel special and adored and then...blowing so cold on you that you feel like you could turn to ice. Be assured that the later is who he really is and the rest of it, just a trap to draw you in.

Get shot of him, everyone deserves someone REAL in their life.

@TeaForTheWin pretty much spot on.
Told person in the pub I was kind of his gf
Went back to his friends and he is hugging me,telling me he wished we lived a bit closer so he could look after me after my op.
He won't tell me that he isn't interested
Has days where he is all over me then days where not a lot of texts.

And again, your his puppet and you’re letting him pull your strings.

He doesn’t want a relationship. He’s told you that.

Find your self esteem, pick it up off the floor and stop being desperate for attention off him when he’s made it clear you’re nothing more than a casual thing when it suits him

May I ask Sarere, who else has verified that he was indeed in ‘violent relationships’?

I ask, because you say that others have told you that he isn’t looking for something serious. Have these same people given you information regards the legitimacy of his past ‘violent’ relationships?

Do you know the women who are suspected of being violent towards him?

@TwentyEight12 our mutual friend told me about one of his ex's.
How she was paranoid and always thought he was with other women so got angry and hit him.
How she would always question where he was etc
Apparently she was violent for years.

@sarere

Do you believe this?

I am not saying that it isn’t true. I am asking if you personally believe what you have been told.

Also, I am saying, if you know and understand his past and you believe what this man has been through, which is hell if true, why is your head a mess? Why are you on this forum asking us for validity regards your situation?

You are of course entitled to and I am not judging you for doing so, I just get the feeling that you are not sure.

If I truly believed a person had been through all of this and had suffered and was suffering still, and I really cared for him... I would be holding true to him and us. But you have a lot of doubt... why so? What does your gut instinct say?

@TwentyEight12 I believe he probably isn't as innocent as he makes out.
Maybe he made them "crazy"
He is certainly making me crazy
I think regardless he might still have feelings for her.

All you posters should be ashamed of yourselves! Bunch of hypocrites

Whenever a woman posts about a violent ex you never see anyone accuse her of lying! If a woman said she had scars you wouldn’t say “how do I know they’re from being hit? They could be from anything!” if a woman says her ex was violent you wouldn’t say “oh you might be lying”

• @sarere*

Can I tell you a little true story from my experience?

When a person has been that badly treated by another, the last thing they want is another human being anywhere near them in any intimate way.

Do you know why? Because being that hurt, by being that badly treated, takes any man and any woman some time to sort and get over. Even the hardiest of people need some time to just be.

I do not believe that any person who has been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and suffered truly in these ways by another’s hands, can stand being close to another in the ways you are describing. When all trust has been broken, it takes a lot to recover, a lot to want or be able to be open again.

I shall sign off this thread now.

I wish you all the best. Be safe x

He had something on his face and I went to move it and he jumped.
She used to slap him too.
I do believe she did hit him

Let him go - it’s not healthy for either of you.

You keep bringing up his ex hitting him like it is meant to mean something?
You don’t know what happened, only what you have been told. It may have happened, it might not and it could be somewhere in the middle. This has no bearing on how he is treating you now.

He has told you he only wants casual and you are not listening!!! Seriously.

He’s texting you/sleeping with you because he is probably thinking well I told her I don’t want anything serious and here she still is.

No one is responsible for your depression or mental health(my husband has depression) you need to go see a professional if you feel you are slipping.

After 3 months you know if you want to be with someone, he doesn’t sound like he does. Go meet someone that wants to be with you, you shouldn’t have to sit around waiting and guessing x

You are asking him to control your life. He’s playing games with you.
Stop it now.

I think it sounds like you want different things.

It also sounds like being with him doesn't make you happy.

I would cut your losses. Call it a day and enjoy some me time. Decide what you want from a relationship and work from there.

He's testing you. It won't get any better. Block him now and move on.

OP I was abused by my husband.

Let's assume he is telling the truth and she abused him. They have recently split up. He shouldnt be seeking to get into another relationship yet. It will not go well.

Coming out of an abusive relationship, is a massive thing. Jumping head first into a new relationship is not good.

I don't agree that all abused people dont want people near them. It wasnt like that for me. But a relationship now is not a good idea.

What makes me doubt him is his tale of all his exs being crazy. So either he seeks out drama and crazy people to be with (which he needs to work on) or he is lying and he manages to twist whatever they do to make them appear crazy or enjoys hurting people until the point it makes them ill.

I predict, that you will continue to beg for crumbs from his table. And in a year, he will still be fucking you around and probably at least one other girl. Whenever you try to sort out what's going on, he will label you crazy too.

Regardless of all that, he has told you he doesnt want a relationship. Take him at his word. Stop pushing for him to give you something he has already told you he doesnt want to give.

3 months in and he's a headfuck!
Seriously!!???
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dump.

@ sarere You've now posted on AIBU about your caring for a family member with dementia? You do have a lot on your plate, don't you?

He doesn't sound that interested in you. He sounds like a headfuck. Why are you that interested in him?

Texting every day isn't a sign of interest or commitment, it is just low grade bread-crumbing so that you stay available for him when he wants you.

He wants to keep you as a no-strings shag. Any time you want more, he will back off.

When words and actions don't match, you have a headfuck - but only if you choose to believe what you want to believe. Looked at dispassionately, it's obvious what is going on.

OP, really, why are you so hung up on someone you have only been dating for 3 months? You have made this into something it isn't in your head, and are now refusing to see the signals that he isn't after what you are.

He hugged you in a pub. He said you were sort of his gf. He said he wished he lived nearer. All of that is easy for a person to do.

But when push came to shove, he had better things to do than see you - for well over a week.

He has shown you what a relationship with him would be like. And remember - 3 months is the honeymoon period - this is still his 'best behaviour' - this is the best it will EVER be. Why on earth are you clinging on to this? Why have you not dumped him and blocked him the second he started faffing about?

Dating is a discovery phase - you've discovered he's a headfuck. Now what are you going to do?

@QueenOfTheCroneAge I do.
He was my escape.

He messaged me this morning about something unrelated and I just said
I don't know what your problem is and why your treating me like this ..if you are not into me fair enough
He said "why are you being so intense,I don't know what's wrong with you lately,chill out "
I replied saying there's nothing wrong with me,I'm trying to work out where I stand.
Then he replied
You need to chill the hell out,I don't know what's happening to you"
I ended up apologising and I don't know why
He never replied then 3 hours later he text
Saying he was on his lunch and chatting about other things.
I don't get him