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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel so awful about myself ...what did I do?

113 replies

sarere · 18/07/2019 18:11

Been casually dating this guy.
He had only been single since March /April when I started dating him.
He's previous ex he bought a house for them to live but they split.
She was violent towards him.
He texts me every day but never speaks about where it's going or feelings etc.
After being in limbo I text him asking him if he wanted to see me Friday.
He said he was busy on Friday.
I said ok next week? He then said he had plans.
I said would you like me to stop asking you to meet up? If your not interested that's really ok but just let me know.
He replied saying "your asking too many questions lately "
"Chill out "
I said sorry and I just want to know where I stand.
I said "are you wanting to see me in the future"
He didn't give me a straight answer ..
Then sent me a picture a hour later of him at work then this afternoon he text asking if I had a nice day.
Last time I seen him was before I had my gall bladder removed and he was lovely to me,hugging me and kissing me.
He texts me every day ...
I'm confused
Do I just say
If you want to date me then date me ..if not fair enough
Ball is in your court now?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 18/07/2019 18:43

Just wait for him to contact you, then say you have been thinking, this relationship is not for you, and block

PutyourtoponTrevor · 18/07/2019 18:44

I'm struggling to see the appeal, can't you do better than this loser, seriously? You need to raise the bar

MashedSpud · 18/07/2019 18:46

You need to stop messaging him so much. You’re giving him all the control because he knows you’re keen.

Maybe he wasn’t free Friday but him saying he’s not free all next week seems like a lie.

If he’s treating you like a fwb then you do the same and start seeing other people. Don’t answer his texts right away. If you use WhatsApp don’t open it to read his messages. Be unavailable so he wonders where you are etc.

heidbuttsupper · 18/07/2019 18:59

He's playing games @sarere I don't know why men do it, ego boost maybe? Anyway, you will feel so much better if you just ignore him Thanks

Blondiejay24 · 18/07/2019 19:05

Hasn’t read all the other comments but sounds like he’s keeping you there until he knows what he wants. Maybe he’s not over this girl, not ready for a relationship or he’s not interested but doesn’t want to be ‘alone’ and likes the attention.
I’d back off, give him some space and see what happens. Don’t chase him. Firstly, you don’t know him well enough to know what he’s really like yet so I wouldn’t pursue him if you’re getting mixed signals.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 18/07/2019 19:11

I couldn't be arsed with any of that. Stop messaging him and get rid.

Musti · 18/07/2019 19:16

Read mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Block him. If he was interested you would know. He's pathetic and once you can see all this clearly you'll wonder what you saw in him. Honestly.

TwentyEight12 · 18/07/2019 19:19

I think what has happened is that you said you have been ‘casually dating’ this guy for 3 months, but you are in-fact hooked and chasing him down for a relationship that isn’t ‘casual’. Only, you’re not getting what you want.

I’m paying a lot of notice to the fact that it’s you asking him if he wants to see you. It’s like you are
literally begging him to throw you some emotional crumbs. In my personal experience, there is only one reason for the symptoms you are describing and that is you are involved in the early stages of a toxic relationship.

Your head is in a mess? Yep. That’s because he is blowing hot and cold on you. This is a control and manipulation tactic. And guess what, this is the tip of the iceberg of how bad it can get.

You’re becoming a nervous wreck over whether or not he is into you or wants you and it’s not making you feel good. I don’t know if you have had relationships before where this level of anxiety sets in so early, but I have. It’s not a good anxiety is it? It’s that doesn’t feel good anxiety isn’t it. This is a warning sign. A red flag. It means the balance of the relationship is out of whack and it’s not in your favour. Your symptoms are almost like that of a drug addict, where unless you get some sort of emotional crack from this guy, you’ll go into withdrawal. Which is, essentially what you are experiencing now i’d say and he knows.

I think this is the beginnings of a toxic relationship and possibly an abusive relationship where you will be the victim and he the perpetrator.

I personally think you should turn around and walk in the other direction now, before it’s too late. Block the number. Sit on your hands. Don’t make any more contact in any way. This feeling will pass with a little time, please do not give in to it.

sarere · 18/07/2019 19:26

I've been invited on a date by this other guy tomorrow night and I'm thinking of going
In two minds as I'm worried it's unfair on guy 2 when I'm obviously hung up on guy 1
Part of me wants to get dressed up and show him that I'm not sat at home waiting for him to decide he wants me.
This guy has invited me for a meal and cocktails at this fancy cocktail bar I've wanted to try for ages.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 18/07/2019 19:32

Don't go out with either of them and instead figure put why you put up with this shit. You would only be going out with second guy as an act of 'revenge' against guy one who wouldn't give a ahit anyway and sounds like a total dick. Twentyeight12 had it spot on with their post. Been there, done that and wasted almost ten years of my life. He will never change or treat you how you deserve and it will really fuck you up. I remember your other thread too.

fluffyblue · 18/07/2019 19:33

The thread the other day about two women-
'I was introduced to a woman through a friend (I'm female ) we kissed.
Then she started inviting me to do things with them (the 4 of us including our mutual friend )
We started to sleep together.
Then we've been out on a few dates just me and her.
We text daily a lot.'
This thread
'He is a friend of a mutual friend.
We started hanging out together in a group then we kissed.

Slept together and he asked me on a date.
We had a good time,then we went out again and text all day every day.
He was getting freaked out when people were thinking we were a couple and I just don't know.'

Epona1 · 18/07/2019 19:36

Then go and enjoy it.

Guy 1 has made it very clear you’re not his no.1 or rate very highly, so stop being his puppet and waiting for him to pull your strings.

You can do better and you know it. You’re worth better.

Oh, and don’t immediately believe the abusing ex. Yes it does happen, but don’t take his word for it. He’s telling you loud and clear who he is. LISTEN

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 19:38

Go out and have a fun time. And don't mention guy 1 to guy 2 on the date, it wouldn't be appropriate and it would put him off.

But I do agree with the person that says you need to take a good look at why you are allowing some guy to string you along like this. It suggests some self esteem issues. He clearly isn't taking you serious and he won't even give a straight answer to a straight question...which is your answer tbh. Delete and block and go on a night out with the other guy. And maybe work on your boundaries in future.

TwentyEight12 · 18/07/2019 19:43

Normally, I would say ‘don’t go, as you’re not in the right headspace’.

However, it appears to me that you have slowly got used to being treated as less than by Guy 1 and you’ve forgotten or can’t remember, what it feels like to be treated well by someone.

So yes, please go. Please go and remind yourself what it feels like to be treated as an equal and/or as a prize by another, because damn, you need to wake up and smell the emotional available coffee again!

You do not need to lead Guy 2 on, all you need to do is get dressed up, go on the date and enjoy his company. It’s a date and not a marriage proposal 😉

PeriComoToes · 18/07/2019 20:01

In the nicest possible way, he doesn't care if you get dressed up and go out with another guy.

Don't date anyone for the time being. Take care of yourself and work on your self esteem. I've been where you are and I wish I could go back in time and say 'leave it Sandra, he's not worth it'.

You're not hung up on him. You're hung up on working out what you can do to make him want you. Don't waste your time.

SwordofGryffindor · 18/07/2019 20:11

You're a rebound

PositiveVibez · 18/07/2019 20:12

Do I send him a message again saying if you want to meet up nothing serious let me know..I like you so balls in your court now?

No no no. You are inviting him to use you for sex!

Just drop him like a hot potato and move on. If he liked you it would be obvious and you wouldn't be here asking us!

Dump him. Take back the power.

sarere · 18/07/2019 20:14

Honestly if I could post the pages and pages of messages from him you would understand why I thought it was going somewhere.
Last time I seen him he told this random man in a pub I was kind of his GF
He's really hurt me...

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 18/07/2019 20:14

What if he does care if you date someone else?

Do you really want to have keep going out with other men to keep his interest?

sarere · 18/07/2019 20:15

Up until this week I actually thought he did.
As soon as I starting asking him questions he has gone really strange on me.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/07/2019 20:20

Actions speak louder than words

His actions say he isn’t really interested. You can’t change that. It’s no reflection on you. And all it’s doing is messing with your head. That’s not what you need or deserve

Go no contact. Go out with guy 2 but take it slow. Take some time to figure out what you want. The freedom programme might be a good idea

sarere · 18/07/2019 20:28

He made it clear he wanted casual and no commitment but I thought he was actually into me.
People warned me he wasn't looking for serious.
He told me he wasn't sleeping with other people because of me.
He is such a head #%$€

OP posts:
LegionOfDoom · 18/07/2019 20:42

He’s just not that into you. He’s not even pretending like he is. Leave him

TwentyEight12 · 18/07/2019 20:48

Words are meant to match actions and vice versa.

When you get a discrepancy between words and actions, it signifies WARNING.

If you are ever in doubt about a person’s feelings about you or towards you, look at their actions.

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2019 20:56

Really stop messaging him about seeing you. It's starting to look desperate. Leave it now.

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