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Original poster

Friends wife wants me gone

95 replies

alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:33

So, I have a close Male friend, we both have the same illness and relate to each other. We also have things in common outside of our illness. Nothing untoward has ever happened between us..but..his wife hates me. She says he puts talking with me above their family. She says I enable his obsessions. She seems to think he has a hidden agenda with me. I am married and nothing untoward has been said between me and this friend ever. She said she wants me to go away or she is leaving him and taking their child. I know this isn't my responsibility and I know that their marriage is toxic (there has been abuse on both sides, cheating so I know why she is insecure) but do I step back? Do I talk with him about this? Do I ignore her and continue as we are and let him make his own decisions (he is in his forties and I in my 30s so grown enough to make our own decisions). Am I wrecking things even though I hardly see him by us texting often? He has a mental illness like me and doesn't cope well with being ghosted or pushed away. I really care about him in a friendship capacity so what should I do? Help!

OP posts:
mulberrybag · 18/07/2019 09:35

How do you know this info ? Has she approached you directly or is it from him you have heard 'her side' of the story ?!

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:40

She has messaged me numerous times telling me all of this and asking me to go away

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/07/2019 09:41

I think step away. Nothing that is going on between them is your fault and I think they will likely split up in the end regardless, but you bring in the mix is not helping. You don't deserve to get hassle for things that you haven't done, so better all round to say to him that you are going to step back and let him sort his life out and that he can contact you in the future when his life is more settled.
I think that once a man cheats, he loses any right to have trust from his wife when it comes to female friends. So I am sympathetic to her viewpoint. His focus needs to be on his family. You might not see him on a romantic light at all but the cynic in me thinks that he's a cheater so could well be trying to line you up as his next affair.

TheChain · 18/07/2019 09:44

Don’t ghost him, forward him the messages that his wife sent you and say something like

“You know I respect you very much as a friend and care about you a lot, but for the sake of your relationship with your wife and my own mental health I’m going up step back.
This is no reflection on you as a person and I am not cutting you off. If you feel in the future you need support from me then I am happy to chat, but I think for now it may be beneficial for your marriage to focus on that and try to open up these conversations with your wife who clearly is very concerned and keen to make things work between you, and feels that I am hindering that.
Wish you all the best”

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/07/2019 09:46

However innocent you feel your friendship is - you must step away. Sounds like an EA anyway.

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:47

Thank you to both of you. I was edging towards the idea of not cutting him off but stepping back whilst letting him know I'm there for him. It's very sad as we get on so well and I was even open to talking with her and perhaps being friends with her too in the future but what can you do. I think what you said @TheChain is what I will say. Thanks

OP posts:
CocoPops901 · 18/07/2019 09:47

To be fair, it might be that all this woman sees is her spending his time texting you, talking about you, head in his phone all the time... she probably feels neglected and this was the last straw.

Teddybear45 · 18/07/2019 09:49

They are probably having problems. It’s easier using you as a scapegoat instead of looking at herself and the reasons why her own DH can’t trust her with his feelings too. Suggest you screenshot the messages and forward them to your friend and ask him to take the lead on this.

Birdie6 · 18/07/2019 09:50

She says he puts talking with me above their family

If this is the case - or even if she perceives that this is the case - then yes I can see how she'd wish you'd go away .

No matter how much you value his friendship, your presence is obviously causing problems in his marriage so you need to step away.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 18/07/2019 09:52

You go away. End of.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/07/2019 09:52

It does sound a bit like an emotional affair I'm afraid.

At the very least, you don't need this. I'd walk away, and explain to the guy very kindly but clearly why.

lboogy · 18/07/2019 09:52

Do not tell him you're stepping away because of his wife. What if he takes it out on her that he doesn't have you as an emotional crutch. You've said there is abuse in his marriage. I'm not sure why you're friends with someone like that anyway.

Step away and make up some excuse

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:53

I just messaged him to say that I care about him but for the sake of his marriage I'm going to step back but will be around if he needs me in future. I find it crazy because we don't even meet up but it's become such a problem. My husband has been fine with it but then he is secure in our marriage. It is done now anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:55

But to be honest if he does take it out on her that is not my fault. Their marriage is toxic beyond belief and none of them are my responsibility. If he is as bad as she says then she needs to find courage to walk away. She is just as bad as him for abuse and cheating. I can't allow myself to feel blame for anything that may or may not happen because if I do my own mental health is going to go down the pan.

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 18/07/2019 09:57

It your fault no, but what would it do to him if she did leave?

Teddybear45 · 18/07/2019 10:01

I agree OP this is not your fault at all. My DH has a number of female friends and yes sometimes he does tell them things he can’t share with me or family but that’s what friends are for. If I need to unload emotionally I often search out my mates first too. Their marriage is failing because of them - nothing to do with you. You’re just being a good friend.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 18/07/2019 10:15

I had a male friend like that, he was friends with my husband too, our families got on well, he had an ex wife and children from a previous relationship.
His partner went on a tirade to me/about me, it was grim and entirely based in fantasy.
He didn’t stop her. So I stepped back thinking it must be my fault. Then found out she did it to EVERY female in his life, even his daughters and work colleagues.

He is quite isolated now and her viciousness is directed at him as all other targets have been dispersed with.

I still occasionally speak to mutual friends and hear the relationship is very toxic indeed. What bothers me is that if a female friend was going through this isolation and abuse we’d all be telling her it’s emotional abuse, leave, be safe etc. But he’s a big chap so it gets overlooked.. sad.

supersop60 · 18/07/2019 10:17

My DP has a number of female friends too, but there was one, about five years ago, where the friendship definitely intruded on our relationship. It was an EA (definitely on his part, not sure about her)
And yes - I wanted her to go away.
OP - you must step away. If your friend's marriage falls apart it must not be your fault.

progestermoan · 18/07/2019 10:20

You need to walk away their marriage is more important than your friendship

SummerInTheVillage · 18/07/2019 10:21

I can't understand why you didn't tell her to piss off and block her. She's vile.

Your poor friend.

Fairenuff · 18/07/2019 10:22

Yes of course you need to go away. But do tell him you're only do it because your friendship is damaging to his relationship with his wife.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2019 10:24

Did she tell your their marriage was toxic? It seems unlikely that a woman who's trying to keep her husband from another woman would actually give you all the details on who cheated on who. So did he tell you this? Because if he did, then I'd feel that came dangerously close to an emotional affair.

Probably not on your side, OP, but it sounds as though he's crossed some lines, he's certainly making her feel as though you are a threat, so I'd stay away for the time being.

IncandescentShadow · 18/07/2019 10:25

Their marriage is toxic beyond belief and none of them are my responsibility. If he is as bad as she says then she needs to find courage to walk away. She is just as bad as him for abuse and cheating.

Wow. This is you over-stepping the mark. Their marriage and private life has nothing to do with you.

Its quite possible that you come across as very irritating. I think anyone would object to their husband texting another woman frequently, never mind all the intimate details that you have appeared to gather.

The fact you need this explaining to you suggests that you are being very irritating.

Find another friend to text. Preferably a single one.

Are you single? He is quite possibly using you for attention, as few people could be bothered to reply to texts about someone's health in this way, and has said other stuff to reel you in and keep you hooked.

Teddybear45 · 18/07/2019 10:28

@IncandescentShadow - you haven’t read any part of her previous posts. This isn’t an EA on her part.

sillysmiles · 18/07/2019 10:29

Their marriage is clearly shit anyway if they are both abusive and she is having a go at you rather than at her husband. I think it's completely ludicrous the chorus of walk away from pp.
If your friend was female and her husband was the one messaging you there would be a chorus of he's abusive and stand by your friend. Just because your friend is male doesn't make his wife any less abusive or your friendship any less valid.