Friends wife wants me gone

[alessandrae83]

So, I have a close Male friend, we both have the same illness and relate to each other. We also have things in common outside of our illness. Nothing untoward has ever happened between us..but..his wife hates me. She says he puts talking with me above their family. She says I enable his obsessions. She seems to think he has a hidden agenda with me. I am married and nothing untoward has been said between me and this friend ever. She said she wants me to go away or she is leaving him and taking their child. I know this isn't my responsibility and I know that their marriage is toxic (there has been abuse on both sides, cheating so I know why she is insecure) but do I step back? Do I talk with him about this? Do I ignore her and continue as we are and let him make his own decisions (he is in his forties and I in my 30s so grown enough to make our own decisions). Am I wrecking things even though I hardly see him by us texting often? He has a mental illness like me and doesn't cope well with being ghosted or pushed away. I really care about him in a friendship capacity so what should I do? Help!

@DarlingNikita I said 'why does he just leave?' Because the OP was saying if it was that bad the wife should just the courage to walk away herself

My point is that fact that the marriage be better of finished isnt just to wifes fault

The marriage is mutually toxic and this man wants to obsess over messaging another women, instead of making time for his family.

I dont feel the OP can say the wife should have just walked away, when her friend hasnt either. It's all well and good blaming her for everything but his behaviour hasnt being saintly either

If he is as bad as she says then she needs to find courage to walk away. She is just as bad as him for abuse and cheating

She knows him better than you ever will. You are very naive for believing his 'crazy wife' story. You also sound as if you're on the brink of an emotional affair tbh, you sound very invested in his life. Concentrate on your own relationship.

It sounds tough OP

I've had to do this recently to a male friend, not entirely thankfully but reducing contact. We've been good friends for 15 years and both eventually backed down to his controlling DW. She won't let him have any female friends, despite us being friends long before she was on the scene. As others said if the sexes were switched it would be called emotional abuse/isolation. Sad really.

As women we tell our female friends so much details and no one thinks anything of it but if you do it with a Male then you must be trying to jump into bed with him and vice versa.

It may not have been for you, but if he did value that friendship above his family, as his wife put it, then it's not at all like a normal female-female relationship.
It can be that he rejects conversations with her because he's on the phone to you, for example. And that's not healthy for his marriage, nor seems to be a healthy friendship.

Or it can be that he keeps telling her that you understand him and she doesn't. And keep telling her how great you are compared to her.
Again, not healthy and not like a normal female-female relationship.

We don't know what happens between the two, but don't assume that her only issue is that you're female and not male.

I’m also interested with the idea of the Emotional affair.
Because basically what a lot of posters are saying is that sharing stuff about your life/relationship is ok with a friend of the same sex (so you can get the support you need, support we ALL need) but somehow if the friend is of the opposite sex then it’s an affair

The problem isn't that he's male, the problem is that his wife is not happy with this friendship most likely because he has cheated before. Obviously the wife is insecure, rightly or wrongly OP has been asked to back off and doesn't seem to think she should.

Thanks for all your comments

It seems you have been aware that she has an issue with your friendship with her DH for some time. You said they argue about you when you're asleep.

Why has it taken her final very direct message for you to step back?

Most people who received messages from their friend's spouse of the nature you have previously received would have realised you are an issue in their marriage, even if it is unintentional and stepped away a long time ago.

If you felt your DH was putting another woman before you and your family, I'm sure you would have an issue with it too.

I'm not sure if it's naivety, your own mental health or inability to see her POV, but you not pulling away from the drama of being on the receiving end of these messages before now is quite concerning.

If my DH was messaging another woman as a friend and her DH contacted him and expressed not liking it, then I would tell him to stop, as he was clearly perceived as a problem to the husband.

I don't think your behaviour to date (apart from now backing off), with the knowledge of how she feels has been helpful or respectful to their marriage.

It's very sad that the wife has had to resort to threatening to leave and take the child away, for you to see how serious she is.

No doubt she has made her feelings to him clear, but he didn't listen...so her last desperate resort/attempt to save her marriage was messaging who she sees as the OW.

You have heaps of empathy for him and none for her...while you believe everything he says.

Hopefully, they can get to a better place and if they split without you in the picture...then perhaps it's the best thing for everyone.

The Shirley Glass book is monogamist bullshit and an abuser's handbook BTW. All about policing and controlling and micromanaging a partner. Human beings are not property and, while two people may agree to an exclusive relationship and be happy doing so, you cannot prevent a partner from having sex with others or dumping you for someone else, and it's mostly unethical and unhealthy to try.

basically what a lot of posters are saying is that sharing stuff about your life/relationship is ok with a friend of the same sex (so you can get the support you need, support we ALL need) but somehow if the friend is of the opposite sex then it’s an affair

Oversharing with any gender of friend can be dangerous and disrespectful.

If a man was having issues with his wife and unhappy about their sex life .... and told his male friend his wife was never up for sex and kept pushing him away... I doubt she'd be impressed with that.

Discussing affairs is quite an intimate issue.

From bitter personal experience you should walk away you have no idea if he is being honest with his wife about the contact between the 2 of you. My dh wasn’t he was lying and hiding it he has also made me out to be a crazy jealous wife who doesn’t let him have any friends Iam not

Leave them to it if the marriage is toxic he needs to either sort that out or leave your friendship with him is obviously causing further problems

ReanimatedSGB

I'm sorry, but your post is out of place within the context of this thread.

Marriage is monogamous, unless otherwise discussed and agreed.

So unless a couple have agreed on an open marriage or a cuckold or cuckquean relationship, expecting monogamy is quite reasonable and normal.

If you disagree with the concept of marriage or monogamy, then that's a whole other discussion.

It's not unethical to expect your spouse not to have sex with another person, when the marriage vows include a promise of fidelity.

ReanimatedSGB I am pretty sure most people here know you dont believe in monogamy and feel you are oh so much more enlightened than every one else.

But your arent. Because you clearly dont understand healthy open relationships. Which include being honest and open with eachother.

If you are in a monogamous relationship , you are expected to be monogamous.

If you dont want to be monogamous, the answer isnt to just crack on as you wish. It's to speak to your partner and either change the boundaries of your relationship or split.

No one is talking about controlling anyone. The man in this chose to Marry and be monogamous.

The issue here is that some posters seem to believe that toxic jealousy, and abuse because of imagined infidelity, is all right because boohoo, ownership of a partner is more important. It's not wrong to want and agree to have a monogamous relationship, but a partner intent on isolating you from other people because 'the sacred marital relationship' is almost certainly abusive and controlling.

I think you did the right thing, OP. Sad that their marriage is in this state, but that's for them to figure out. BTW - I don't think you did anything wrong.It isn't up to you to police other people's relationships.

I do feel a bit sad for people in these relationships in some ways - not having external friends or close emotional support is fine as long as your marriage is OK, but I think it can be very isolating when it breaks down or, I guess, at the very end if your spouse dies. I often think of these MN threads when I hear people talking about someone being totally isolated post divorce or bereavement. I'm not sure it's a good idea to invest 100% in one single person for all your emotional needs and allow yourself no support network.

But op is quite ok for him to have female friends just not about him being secretive about one particular ex prostitute who keeps sending him glammed photos of herself.

For all you know, he could be telling her that you don't leave him alone and he doesn't even like you.

Sorry wrong thread.

@SandyY2K
If you disagree with the concept of marriage or monogamy, then that's a whole other discussion.

Indeed, but unfortunately the poster you're replying to does their utmost to turn every single thread into that discussion.

Robin2323 - I did wonder where the ex prostitute came from! I thought I'd missed a truly epic drip feed!