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Original poster

Friends wife wants me gone

95 replies

alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:33

So, I have a close Male friend, we both have the same illness and relate to each other. We also have things in common outside of our illness. Nothing untoward has ever happened between us..but..his wife hates me. She says he puts talking with me above their family. She says I enable his obsessions. She seems to think he has a hidden agenda with me. I am married and nothing untoward has been said between me and this friend ever. She said she wants me to go away or she is leaving him and taking their child. I know this isn't my responsibility and I know that their marriage is toxic (there has been abuse on both sides, cheating so I know why she is insecure) but do I step back? Do I talk with him about this? Do I ignore her and continue as we are and let him make his own decisions (he is in his forties and I in my 30s so grown enough to make our own decisions). Am I wrecking things even though I hardly see him by us texting often? He has a mental illness like me and doesn't cope well with being ghosted or pushed away. I really care about him in a friendship capacity so what should I do? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 12:01

Exactly. As women we tell our female friends so much details and no one thinks anything of it but if you do it with a Male then you must be trying to jump into bed with him and vice versa.

It was great for me to have the support of someone who understood me and who I got along with. I do feel incredibly sad that has gone now but I think the majority is probably right that I don't need to drama and it's down to them to sort it out whatever they choose to do.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 18/07/2019 12:01

It sounds like they both want to work on their marriage - she is asking you to step away and he is accepting you doing so and understands you need to. As a friend you will be wanting him to be happy, so hopefully this is a good step towards it for them. If the marriage doesn’t survive, you can always pick up your friendship at a later date.

redcarbluecar · 18/07/2019 12:03

Of course men and women can be friends without it being some version of an affair, but in this case the friend’s wife has directly asked her to back off and, more crucially, the friend seems to have agreed that this would be best. So there is nothing to be gained from this friendship for OP at the moment and she certainly needs to step away and focus on other relationships.

mussolini9 · 18/07/2019 12:07

Do I ignore her and continue as we are and let him make his own decisions

Yes, of course you do. Block all comms with her.

And then maybe reconsider whether you want to pursue a friendship with a man who is capable of abusing his wife - there has been abuse on both sides, cheating so I know why she is insecure

Myriade · 18/07/2019 12:07

@AllFourOfThem I dint think he wants to work in the marriage. If he was, HE would have talked to the OP, not his wife.

He has stepped back because the OP told him she was and why. He didn’t have the choice and clearly isn’t enough of an arse to refuse to see her step back.
That’s very different.

@alessandrae83, I’m sorry you have lost someone who was part of your support system. When you have a chronic illness, it can be hard to find people who understand what you are going through. I hope you have other people around that you can lean on.

Durgasarrow · 18/07/2019 12:09

If she feels you are intruding on their marriage, then you are intruding on their marriage. This has nothing to do with toxicity or anything else. If he's badmouthing his wife to a woman who is not his therapist or a respected and extremely discreet female relative, then something fishy is going on. Shame on him for talking trash about the intimate, private world of his home life, which should be a sacred, shared space where he and his wife should both feel safe and respected. And shame on you for listening to it and amplifying it. Step away and don't repeat this kind of damaging behavior again.

bingbongnoise · 18/07/2019 12:11

@alessandrae83

You need to leave him (AND his wife) alone. This is an EA, and you are loving the drama and attention.

Oddly, women like you NEVER want to know the wife, because she could POSSIBLY understand the 'close bond' you have with this man.

FFS! Get your own man! Hmm

bingbongnoise · 18/07/2019 12:13

@alessandrae83

You need to leave him (AND his wife) alone. This is an EA, and you are loving the drama and attention.

Oddly, women like you NEVER want to know the wife, because she could not POSSIBLY understand the 'close bond' you have with this man.

FFS! Get your own man! Hmm

KatherineJaneway · 18/07/2019 12:20

Think you are majorly projecting there Bing

user1479305498 · 18/07/2019 12:26

The issue is that once trust has been buggered then sadly partners tend to be on red alert and the OP has to remember the wife probably can’t see exactly what’s being talked about.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/07/2019 12:29

I think the wife is almost certainly an abusive, controlling cunt, from everything you have posted here. However, there is nothing you can do to help your friend unless/until he sees through her and gets the strength to leave.
But if she continues to message you even after you have stepped away from your friend, give her one warning then report her to the police for harassment. Jealous people should never be indulged - if you can't laugh them out of it, and they start dragging everyone else into their self-obsession, it's fine to come down as hard as possible on them.

SirVixofVixHall · 18/07/2019 12:31

Is this someone you meet with op, or an online friend who you have never met ?

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 12:32

Bing you are completely wrong about me and I feel you have experienced some kind of cheat and want to make me feel some kind of way because you think I am trying to steal someone else's husband when that is NOT the case at all. I don't love the drama, I hate it and I feel sad for the child in the middle of that marriage. I haven't walked away until now despite his admissions of abuse to his wife in the past because should we all give up on people with mental illness? He is not making excuses for his abuse, he admitted it and has taken lots of steps to help his mental health so that he will not do that again.

I have walked away, if I loved the drama I could have carried on as he was prepared to continue our friendship despite his wife protesting. I didn't. I walked. I'm sad but I walked.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/07/2019 12:33

I think step away. Nothing that is going on between them is your fault and I think they will likely split up in the end regardless, but you bring in the mix is not helping.

This ^

Just say that you're sorry she feels like this, but that you don't want to be a bone of contention between them.

gamerchick · 18/07/2019 12:39

He has replied. Says he sad about it and will miss me but understands and apologises for me being in the middle of it. that's that then

Now block her on facebook. She doesn't get to message you anymore.

ReanimatedSGB · 18/07/2019 12:41

The idea that marriage is a 'private sacred space' is one that enables abusers. Remember that jealousy is controlling, abusive behaviour, and insisting that marital difficulties are private stops someone who is being abused from seeking support. Which is just the way the abuser likes it.
One of the reasons why I have no patience with obsessive monogamy fetishism is that very often an emotional affair is what helps someone in an abuse situation gain the strength to get away.

sillysmiles · 18/07/2019 12:43

If he's badmouthing his wife to a woman who is not his therapist or a respected and extremely discreet female relative, then something fishy is going on.

If I was having problems in my marriage there is no way would I tell my family - I would talk to my friend about it though.

IMO some people have bizarre ideas of who can and cannot be friends.
Some of my friend's OHs I don't like, I'm not friends with them. That's ok, I didn't marry them. But that doesn't stop me being friends with my friends and maintaining friendships independent on their marriage.

I think you are right to step away because I suspect you are being used as a whipping boy for the problems they are experiencing in their relationship and with you gone they are going to have to realise the problems are with themselves.

Rachelover40 · 18/07/2019 12:46

I'm glad you've walked away from this friendship, alessandrae. I believe neither of you have done anything wrong and that the friendship was genuine but his wife sounding off made it complicated. As you have said, you don't want drama.

You and the man can still be friends but at a distance.

Well done you.

decisionsindecisions · 18/07/2019 12:47

I agreed with ReanimatedSGB

OP - I can't see that you have done anything wrong, other than support your friend. The fact that you are the opposite sex is a red herring here. If any partner/husband of mine contacted one of my friends asking them to back off I would not be at all impressed.

AllFourOfThem · 18/07/2019 12:49

@Myriade maybe, maybe not. Neither of us know. It’s pure speculation.

Rosejasmine · 18/07/2019 12:53

What TheChain said. and I think you should step away respectfully. If their marriage is pants anyway and breaks up without your presence then you can't be blamed, and you have your friend back. She's obviously insecure and your friendship isn't helping.

Branleuse · 18/07/2019 12:59

youve done the right thing by walking away. Their marriage seems like a shit show, but let them battle it out between them.
Its not about giving up on someone with a mental illness, but you do still need to have boundaries with behaviour, and mental illness CAN mean that they are not in the right place for a relationship. Not that someone should put up with abuse etc because their partner cant help it.

TheCatThatDanced · 18/07/2019 13:04

A question for you here - if this friendship developed further, would you leave your husband for this man?

I've had this happen to me before, when I was single. A man I knew through work, slightly older, not my type before, before I knew about EAs, but he visited London for work and I had to visit where he worked for work (we were working on the same project, different jobs). I also had a close friend who'd been diagnosed with a mental health illness move back to her hometown and live near where the project was and where he lived. One time we met for lunch. The sad thing was his DW had cancer and he put it to me the question of us being together which I was aghast at as he really wasn't my type. Then a few months later an email "I don't think it's right that we carry on emailing etc". So I can totally see how it happens.

This guy above - he was just friendly but I had no idea of his intentions - totally not my type of man at all, unattractive - he had DD's who were slightly younger than me, he was trying to 'help me' - he was a Mormon - maybe slightly too outing but gave me their bible, told me what Mormons were about etc.

DBML · 18/07/2019 13:04

I find this all a bit strange. My husband and I are best friends. It’s a natural thing, we just are. My husband has a few female friends from work, within pet of a larger group. Occasionally they chat through text, or I get dragged along for coffee with them all, but it’s all good natured and I feel complete involved without having to ask to be...and I feel secure with it.
I can’t imagine my husband using another women as an emotional crutch; complaining about me; texting constantly...I think I might be annoyed too.
You might not realise it, but you have probably overstepped the boundaries and over familiarised yourself with him. You have become that visitor who overstays their welcome and who knows, he might be saying ‘how can I tell her to go away, it sounds so rude’.
The state of their relationship is irrelevant and you really should not be privy to that information anyway.
Your friends wife has asked you to back off. All I can go by is that I wouldn’t message this type of thing personally, unless I felt I had very good reason to. As I said, I completely accept men and women can be friends and have a right to choose their friends, so for me, if I needed to text someone to back off, they probably should.

Focus on building a more supportive relationship with your own husband, where you feel you can have those discussions with him and get the same emotional strength from your chats - going to someone else’s husband for this was never going to be ideal.

Just my two cents though.

Robin2323 · 18/07/2019 13:05

Read the book not just friends by Shirley Glass.
When you over share you can become close.
And if you're going through a tough patch it's easy to think you've 'fallen ' in love.
And this fantasy relationship is easier than working on your relationship.

Imagine an argument between you and your dh.
Then imagine him telling someone who then totally agreed with him.

You wouldn't like that would you and it wouldn't help your relationship.

This is she how feels.

Well done for backing off.