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Original poster

Friends wife wants me gone

95 replies

alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 09:33

So, I have a close Male friend, we both have the same illness and relate to each other. We also have things in common outside of our illness. Nothing untoward has ever happened between us..but..his wife hates me. She says he puts talking with me above their family. She says I enable his obsessions. She seems to think he has a hidden agenda with me. I am married and nothing untoward has been said between me and this friend ever. She said she wants me to go away or she is leaving him and taking their child. I know this isn't my responsibility and I know that their marriage is toxic (there has been abuse on both sides, cheating so I know why she is insecure) but do I step back? Do I talk with him about this? Do I ignore her and continue as we are and let him make his own decisions (he is in his forties and I in my 30s so grown enough to make our own decisions). Am I wrecking things even though I hardly see him by us texting often? He has a mental illness like me and doesn't cope well with being ghosted or pushed away. I really care about him in a friendship capacity so what should I do? Help!

OP posts:
PeggySuehadababy · 18/07/2019 10:31

So he has a mental illness, is it the same you have?

What does his wife mean when she says you enable his obsessions? What obsessions does he have?

He already cheated, there's emotional abuse, so this woman is already putting up with a difficult situation and frankly I don't know why she's still around him.

I can't understand why you didn't tell her to piss off and block her. She's vile

Yeah, poor lad, what a bitch of a wife he has, thank God the OP is around him.

sillysmiles · 18/07/2019 10:32

Did she tell your their marriage was toxic? It seems unlikely that a woman who's trying to keep her husband from another woman would actually give you all the details on who cheated on who. So did he tell you this? Because if he did, then I'd feel that came dangerously close to an emotional affair.

If a woman told her friend this about her marriage, no one would bat an eyelid!

Does MN posters really believe men and women can't be close friends.

HennyPennyHorror · 18/07/2019 10:39

Wow. This is you over-stepping the mark. Their marriage and private life has nothing to do with you

No it isn't. OP is the friend of one half of the marriage. Friends do know about issues in marriages.

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 10:44

Quite a lot to respond to but will do.

I do find it crazy that men and women can't just be friends. I understand she has insecurities because he has emotionally cheated before (she has cheated too though) but she has read our messages and knows nothing is going on and yet still messages me. I think in a lot of ways they are as bad as each other but she is definitely controlling the situation even if it is understandable why she feels she needs to do that.

Yes, we have the same mental illness but he also has other ones too including OCD. She thinks by replying each time I'm enabling him to become obsessed with talking with me and therefore he is pulling away from his family but I can't see what's going on at their house. I'm just being a friend. They are arguing about me when I'm asleep! I wake up to these messages from her and I'm like WHAT?!

My husband says he is fine with the friendship but if his wife is going to keep on at me then I should walk away for my own mental wellbeing. I just hate the thought of giving someone controlling the satisfaction of what they want but he needs to sort his marriage out or walk away without the extra issue (me, even if I don't understand what I'm supposed to have done wrong). Makes me very sad that two people can't be close because I'm a woman and he is a man. Maybe I don't know the full story. Maybe he's banging on too much at home about it or something. I don't know.

OP posts:
IdaBWells · 18/07/2019 10:46

I agree with the majority of posters that you should step back from this friendship. The wife clearly feels you are crossing boundaries in their marriage, it may be at the invitation of her DH but it really isn't your role to be judging the state of their marriage. You also seem to be naturally siding with your friend, all of which can undermine his marriage. He seems to be over-sharing and it will be hard for their relationship to heal and improve if he is looking outside his marriage for emotional validation.

I can't imagine behaving like this with a married man. I certainly would be upset if DH was constantly texting another woman and discussing details of our relationship with her.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/07/2019 10:47

I wouldn't share too much personal detail about my marriage to my friends (male or female) because it would be disloyal to my husband. If he is putting all his emotion and energy into a friendship and using it to offload all his complaints about his wife then he is doing so at the expense of his relationship, which is damaging and unfair to his wife.

Juells · 18/07/2019 10:48

If the wife was posting here, everyone would be advising her that this was an emotional affair, and to put a stop to it or leave.

Nomorepies · 18/07/2019 10:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

GabsAlot · 18/07/2019 10:52

How long have you known each other where did you meet? she obviously has a problem with female friends and trust but thats not your fault

How did she get you number

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 10:54

She Facebook messages me. She doesn't have my number and in answer to pp, no, I feel no smugness, I'm upset by all of this because I just wanted us all to get along and for her to accept our friendship as being nothing more than that. It saddens me to have to walk away now because of this and it saddens me that she feels hurt over something that isn't there. There is a child involved, the last thing I want is them to be arguing over anything, let alone me and letting a child hear all of this and be in the middle.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/07/2019 10:54

First of all, not sure I'd believe everything he says about her.

Then, yes, I suspect this will be an EA on his part, even if not yours.

Finally, it can't be healthy for your mental health to be in the middle of this, and mainly for this reason I'd distance myself.
You don't need the drama.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 18/07/2019 10:59

If they are as bad as you say, you are better off out of it anyway

Why would you want to bring yourself into the middle of such a bad marriage

You keep saying she is controlling and yet they are both to blame. Has it entered your head he might be the same with her.

They are both in a bad marriage. Why doesnt he just leave? He is mentally I'll and that's possibly taking its toll on her. Especially, if he mental illness is blamed for his poor behaviour. Such as putting talking to someone else and ignoring his family.

Stay out of it. Step back.

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 18/07/2019 11:01

He has replied. Says he sad about it and will miss me but understands and apologises for me being in the middle of it. that's that then

OP posts:
namemcnamechange · 18/07/2019 11:03

Having been the woman on the other side of this before, I’d walk away. I would never want to be the cause of other people’s relationship issues no matter how innocent it was to me. Wouldn’t be worth it.

Fairenuff · 18/07/2019 11:03

Make sure you do leave it now OP. If he messages you don't get drawn back in. Just ignore or even block his number.

DarlingNikita · 18/07/2019 11:16

Why doesnt he just leave? Yes, because it's so easy.

I think she sounds toxic. I'd want to be there for my friend and I can't understand all the 'emotional affair' comments. I agree with this: If your friend was female and her husband was the one messaging you there would be a chorus of he's abusive and stand by your friend. Just because your friend is male doesn't make his wife any less abusive or your friendship any less valid.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/07/2019 11:25

I find it very tedious when posters trot out the 'oh does this mean men and women can't be friends'.
Lots of men and women are friends and don't have their friend's husband or wife messaging asking them to back off. It's healthy for the wife to have boundaries and based on the husband's behaviour that the OP knows about it's perfectly understandable.

TanMateix · 18/07/2019 11:26

Of course you step back, no brainer. Unless you think that your Friendship is far far more important than their family.

It may be that you are exacerbating their problems or that she is barking to the wrong tree but while you carefully and tenderly keep holding the hand of her husband, how can she know if she should LTB or stay put?

redcarbluecar · 18/07/2019 11:29

This is sad and frustrating for you, as it doesn’t sound as if you’ve done anything wrong, but from your latest update I think you’ve done the right thing. He needs to sort things out for himself before (and if) he can really be any sort of friend to you.

Lllot5 · 18/07/2019 11:31

I would’ve stepped back ages ago. If there’s nothing untoward going on fair enough but surely you need all this drama?

SolitudeAtAltitude · 18/07/2019 11:43

sounds like and Emotional Affair to me too

No bad intentions or anything, just that your relationship with him is too intense to let another relationship succeed

Interestingly, men in their 40s often strike up "innocent" friendships with younger women, never with a woman in her 60s though> so strange. or maybe not....

womaninthedark · 18/07/2019 11:46

Interestingly, men in their 40s often strike up "innocent" friendships with younger women, never with a woman in her 60s though

Sorry, you're wrong about that.

PicsInRed · 18/07/2019 11:48

He's absolutely having an emotional affair with you, he's had at least one probably lots before. He says she's cheated. Maybe. Some of these cheaters tell people that their victim partner cheated to make their own behaviour appear less egregious...and to adopt the mantle of victimhood, themself.

Step away from the married man.

Myriade · 18/07/2019 11:54

I have to say I’m not sure why in earth the OP needs to step away. Surely it’s the HUSBAND who should do that, because HE wants to save the marriage Confused?

The only thing I see happening is for that marriage to die anyway as he doesn’t want to make the effort/cut the ties. And for the OP and the husband to loose a supportbthey could both do with (see the illness).

It seems that people on MN have a major issue with friendship between a man and a woman. Seeing that the OP just cannot have had an affair with that guy I’m Confused

Myriade · 18/07/2019 11:57

I’m also interested with the idea of the Emotional affair.
Because basically what a lot of posters are saying is that sharing stuff about your life/relationship is ok with a friend of the same sex (so you can get the support you need, support we ALL need) but somehow if the friend is of the opposite sex then it’s an affair.

Really? Is it not possible at all to have a friendship with the opposite sex?