What am I doing wrong?

[freerunner75]

So, not so much a teenager question - more of a step-family situation question. Am going to be honest and will completely take pies thrown at my head and being put in the right if i am in the wrong!

I have been with my partner now for 11years, lived together for 6. He bought the property we live in from his parents - i wasn't allowed to be on the mortgage as it was a family purchase (scarred from being 'rinsed' in his divorce)

My two- now teenagers live with us - son 18 and daughter 16. My OH step children visit us whenever they want to.

My problem is money. I work full time - in all probably about 42 hours a week (4-6 hours for my partners business - unpaid)..

We both have one joint account to which my partner puts in £500 per month towards bills and food. I pay in £600. (he pays his mortgage separately)... I also then pay for everything my children and I need -so a car and related costs for me, phones for 3 of us, food for our dogs, pet insurance, other related costs - i/e odds and sods that the children need.

My partner pays for holidays (and doesn't let me forget it!) and does chip in if I am struggling.. (and doesn't let me forget it!!) He is self employed and does do quite well financially.

So - here is where i duck the pies. Each month, around this time of the month, despite earning a fairly good wage... I am totally broke. I literally have nothing. Each month I have nothing spare for any life insurance or pension for my future and am unable to save. I don't have enough to buy myself luxuries and have to scrabble around for every penny.

My partner on the other hand - does whatever he wants, buys whatever he wants etc... always wears nice clothes. He pays his Ex a large sum for his children each month so I get that he shouldn't also be supporting mine - (my 2's father doesn't now pay a bean!)

My question is - this doesn't seem right? I seem to be working flat out every single month and not earning bad money - but its gone in a flash - and I don't waste it or blow it on anything - i don't have enough to do that? Is this normal? Is this a normal financial 'blended' family situation?

Any advice hugely appreciated.

Thank you.

note... i know I sound like a spoilt, bitter pouty child... Sorry. I am just at my wits end and so frustrated. I literally cannot do any more to bring any more money in and Its getting me down!

Not a step parent, but the basic set up doesn't sound too unreasonable given you aren't married. But the outcome doesn't seem right.

Where is your DC's father in all this? Is he paying maintenance?

Your 18 yo will have just finished A levels / college?
What's their financial situation? Do you give them money, do they have a part time job?

Why do you work unpaid for your partner? If you have broadly separate finances, he should be paying you. 5 hours a week at £10 / hour would give you an extra £200 before tax.

This is not a teenager problem it is a DP problem. I agree the first step should be to start requesting payment for your work, but I fear if you go down that route he will start asking you for rent.

You're in a tremendously precarious position right now. No savings, no mortgage, no marriage certificate to get you anything if you do split. All whole you are working for him unpaid and your dcs father is not contributing. You should be the one throwing pies!

First stop if you haven't already it isn't possible should be CMS for your DC's father to see if you can get something more coming in, even if it's a short time.

Then can you go through your finances carefully to see where everything's going (and check where you can save if possible) and have a frank chat with your dp. If he is earning far more than you, it's not right that you're contributing nearly the same amount - sure he's paying the mortgage and saving you rent, but that's also an asset in his name only. Do you have an idea of his income and outgoings? It's fair enough that he not pay for your DC's (maybe not the dogs - are they yours only?), but you shouldn't have to live two vastly different lifestyles under the same roof.

Once you've had a chat with him then your DC's are old enough to also be involved in understanding the finances available to them and where they might need to find some of their own money for luxuries and going out, whether that's babysitting for the 16 year old or a part time job for your 18 year old.

Hiya...thanks for your replies.

So, my 18 yr old works for my partner and he does pay me for his phone and some keep...he also buys most of his food for lunches etc so he does pay his way.

My 16yr old also works (just left school) and pays what she can but she only eanrs about £60 per month.

My oh basically said last night when i tried to have this conversation about working for him for nothing...that i get the odd holiday and taken out for dinner... (which i took as thats how he pays me!) I did cry i cant lie... didnt like that answer personally!

My ex husband used to pay a bare amount but has just stopped as i approached CMO... in short he is not a very nice person, he doesnt see the children (due to his own behaviour) and he has basically fabricated his last tax return totally to say he earns £800 per month... so cmo advised lower payments than he was making already. He took great delight in this, decided to try and make me go down the 'forced collection' option which means i basically will then receive about £10 per month. So not hugely helpful!

I just (may be wrongly) thought i would be in a better position financially and security wise being in a long term relationship.... instead its driving me into the ground financially and im going to have a very rubbish old age lol.

I literally dont know what to do. I have been through my finances and cut down as much as i can... i am literally paying the basics that i have too...and im broke! Its pants

It all sounds very unsatisfactory.

I don't like the sound of your DS working for your partner. It all sounds a bit precarious. Is he being properly paid the going rate, or is he too being taken advantage of?

As a partner to you with apparently more disposable income, he should want to pay for holidays, treats etc. He shouldn't want to see you struggling financially. These things shouldn't be quid pro quo for free work for his business.

I think the kind people in Relationships may be able to help more. This is a DP problem, not a teenagers one.

Thank you @Teen Times Two.. that kind of sums up a little how i feel.

Im not a regular here.....would you kindly point me in the direction of the DP post if you think i would be better posting there?

Sorry! X thank you

Have you looked at how your financial situation would look if you were not living with your partner?

It’s YOUR normal

And it sounds utterly crap

This is the board I think you may get the best advice on: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

You could post again, or if you click on 'Report' (which in my view appear on the right hand side of the user name and time of a post, you can ask Mumsnet to move the whole thread there.

Your joint account bills sound high to me - £1,100 excluding the mortgage? What’s that all going on and is there scope to reduce that?

What’s your salary in relation to your DP’s?

I think I would insist on payment as wages or not work for him, personally. If you don’t get to go on holiday then oh well. If he didn’t ever want to pay for dinner without it bring 50-50, despite you earning less, I’d take that as a sign of my worth to him.

As your DC are coming to independence I might seriously consider if I wanted to stay or if I would be better off in a smaller flat ...

If your FP is self-employed/owns a business you could approach from the POV of him paying you direct into a pension for your work in the business. That has tax advantages so might be attractive as a solution to both of you.

He sounds like an arse. You might be better off going it alone? You might be entitled to some benefits?

Thank you @Nosquirrels and other ladies....

It does feel utterly crap. I have looked at my financial situation on my own and I would be better off by a couple of hundred.

Our outgoings are high - that's just the joint ones! I am going to have another look tonight to try and somehow reduce them.

I will try and move this to the thread suggested by Teentimestwo.

Thank you ladies. X

No squirrels...thats a good idea thank you! Might very well broach that one with him.

I dont know what to think im just at my wits end! Fed up of fighting for every penny and having absolutely nothing to show for it.

Hi there all,

We're going to move this over to relationships at OP's request.

If you are worse off living with him, you need to sit down and go through the figures.

Whilst I can understand that he's a little apprehensive because of past experience, it's not fair that you should suffer from it. This has to work for both of you - not just him!

Love the pension idea!

If you will be better off living apart then do that.
And do it fast.
Why would you delay this?
Get looking and get out quick sharp.
Tell him that you will saving a couple of hundred a month to move out but you can continue to date.
And then move out!

Can you break down some figures for us?

He doesn't sound like a very kind man, to me. Are you sure you want to live with him?

So he pays mortgage £500

Into joint (bills account) he pays £500 per month

So he allows £400 food shop per month (for up to 7 of us...inc sons gf and my step children)...

Household bills come to approx £580 per month.

I pay £600 but end up topping up food etc....

On top of that i run a car (on finance too)...plus pay for our pets, insurance, mobiles, anything children need. I also pay for things for his children as and when they need them.. (my choice if i can).

His mobile,vehicles, insurance etc...is all paid for by his business so really he has his mortgage, ex wife, bills and other living costs to pay. My annual salary in region of £20k... his business last year turned over £175k of which he was taxed on £60k

How do other people manage money within a couple?? Sorry if i sound naive...i totally funded my marriage as my husband was a useless alcoholic who spent all my money (profit from sale of house) and left me in a tonne of debt which i have worked hard to pay off.

Its just how it is im not moaning....just had enough and cant see how to change things. I literally cant work anymore hours!

You funded your ex's life, and now you're working for free for this one, who is not bothered by the inequality of your lifestyles. See the connection? You should move out, stop doing unpaid work for your partner, and sort out the reason why you are letting men take advantage of you like this.

Do you have any options for improving your income?

@Queenofthecroneage... thank you. I know that is exactly what i would say to someone and is how i feel about the situation.... but i know no different so its scary to think of moving on and just yet again being in the same situation another time. I did start going to counselling, but ironically.... i cant afford to keep it up!

You previously said this I have looked at my financial situation on my own and I would be better off by a couple of hundred

And then updated with this just had enough and cant see how to change things

Move out! Stop overthinking this.
That's how you change things.
Stop worrying about him and look out for yourself and your DC.
It really is a no-brainer!

Not really LemonTT... i found somewhere i.love working so without leaving there for somewhere with a slightly higher salary... im kind of at my max!