What am I doing wrong?

[freerunner75]

So, not so much a teenager question - more of a step-family situation question. Am going to be honest and will completely take pies thrown at my head and being put in the right if i am in the wrong!

I have been with my partner now for 11years, lived together for 6. He bought the property we live in from his parents - i wasn't allowed to be on the mortgage as it was a family purchase (scarred from being 'rinsed' in his divorce)

My two- now teenagers live with us - son 18 and daughter 16. My OH step children visit us whenever they want to.

My problem is money. I work full time - in all probably about 42 hours a week (4-6 hours for my partners business - unpaid)..

We both have one joint account to which my partner puts in £500 per month towards bills and food. I pay in £600. (he pays his mortgage separately)... I also then pay for everything my children and I need -so a car and related costs for me, phones for 3 of us, food for our dogs, pet insurance, other related costs - i/e odds and sods that the children need.

My partner pays for holidays (and doesn't let me forget it!) and does chip in if I am struggling.. (and doesn't let me forget it!!) He is self employed and does do quite well financially.

So - here is where i duck the pies. Each month, around this time of the month, despite earning a fairly good wage... I am totally broke. I literally have nothing. Each month I have nothing spare for any life insurance or pension for my future and am unable to save. I don't have enough to buy myself luxuries and have to scrabble around for every penny.

My partner on the other hand - does whatever he wants, buys whatever he wants etc... always wears nice clothes. He pays his Ex a large sum for his children each month so I get that he shouldn't also be supporting mine - (my 2's father doesn't now pay a bean!)

My question is - this doesn't seem right? I seem to be working flat out every single month and not earning bad money - but its gone in a flash - and I don't waste it or blow it on anything - i don't have enough to do that? Is this normal? Is this a normal financial 'blended' family situation?

Any advice hugely appreciated.

Thank you.

*probably WHY I'm still single that was meant to say!

If he dropped dead tomorrow what would you do?

Has he made a Will, who would get his house, where would you live, who would get his pensions, life insurances etc?

Are you possibly contributing to any life Insurances which may be attached to his mortgage? Do you know for sure what your contribution to the bills goes on?

If you are working for his business, then you should either be on the payroll as an employee and being paid for it, or a shareholder and be paid dividends.

At the moment, you are helping his business (and him) to make more money, and you are seeing none of it. He either needs to start paying you the going rate for what ever it is you do, or you take your 4-6 hours a week and work a few hours somewhere else where they do pay you.

£400 for food for 7 people a month?

Thats less than £15 a week each.

Before tax but if you did 6 hours a week and only a tenner an hour then you'd be around 3k a year better off. Or another way of looking at it, his company would be 3k less well off but his partner would have more financial stability. He should not be quibbling over this.

The more I read over your posts OP the more I think he sounds like an absolutely bell end. Ugh.

If he doesn’t want to tie himself to you financially then that his choice. It has been the basis of your relationship and if you don’t accept it then move on. However whilst you would have been better off (benefits for the children) in the next couple of year you will be reliant on your income and liable for rent if you leave. Your financial position isn’t very good and you can not rely on him fixing it.

If you stay then you both need to look at the joint household expenses and make them fair and transparent. I sense there may be some benefit to you but it could be swings and roundabouts.

But the bottom line is that without him willing to financially share your own position is vulnerable. You may have been better off on your own claiming benefits and child support. But that’s becoming by the by. You need to up your income or reduce your personal outgoings. The car, dog and subsidising working children all spring to mind.

The answer to the question is no, it is not a blended family scenario. It is an arrangement suited to financially independent adults. Typically those who have children and been through a divorce. They want to protect their assets and they don’t want a new partner to rely on them financially. This only really works for people with comparable incomes and wealth.

I expect you will find that his wealth is bequeathed to his kids in the event of his death.

I have just set him up as a Ltd company - to protect his assets from his Ex and to help him reduce his tax and save him money ironically. Him paying me would benefit him as he could offset this against his profit - however, he doesn't see that he should pay me.

We tried it once, I worked for him every friday and my payment was that he paid in full for the massive car he had wanted to buy but I couldn't afford to pay half (£200) a month towards the finance. So i worked for it as a trade... but by god. It was horrendous. He thought that gave him the right to speak to me like a piece of dirt and demand my time whenever he needed it... (I was up until 5am one day putting together risk assessments etc for a tender.).... So i quit- Officially. I still do his work, but in my hours and when it suits me and he has no hold over me when i do it .. Childish huh!! My life :-)

LemonTT i do understand what you are saying totally, as harsh a truth as it is... but I really am not angling to lean off him financially. I just struggle with the fact that he took us on and chose to be head of the family and yet I still feel like I am a single parent/person financially. Its not his fault my ex doesn't bother paying what he should..I dont expect my OH to step in to his shoes, he has his own kids and is fantastically supportive to them which is right. I don't have a problem supporting my children that is why I have always worked... but I kind of feel let down that I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water and his hand is only offered temporarily if at all... I know I wouldn't see him struggle if it killed me! I expect the same in return... I can't earn the money he can. If i could, i would in a heartbeat !

My - perhaps old fashioned view on families, whether 'blended' or otherwise, is that if two people (adults) come together and join forces to build a life together, then there should be some middle ground if one earns less than the other - whichever way that works. And you look after each other.. plan for the future, good or bad.

I 'strongly' encouraged him to get a will drawn up a couple of years ago as, as it stood, god forbid anything happened to him, everything went to his ex wife. He has another property he rents out which he is leaving to his children (I am fully supportive of that of course).. I just didn't want me and my children facing eviction if she became my landlord - as far as I know he has included some security for me and the rest he has put in his parents name. I had to fight for that - i shouldn't have had to i don't think.

I will have a talk with him, clarify how i feel. Suggest he pays me for the hours I do and will invoice him so I have at least a little control over that situation.

Thank you all. Your advice means alot.

Thank you @ThatCurlyGirl too.... i like you! And your thinking... ha. Means alot! x

as far as I know he has included some security for me and the rest he has put in his parents name. I had to fight for that

As far as you know? Have you seen his will? Bear in mind he can rewrite it at any time, even if you've seen it.

Why would his ex Wife become your landlady?

If he treated you "like dirt" when he paid you to work for his company I wouldn't be staying with him OP. He doesn't sound like he cares much about you.

@Rosielily - as we are not married, she would be his next of kin and the house would go to her if anything happened to him.

@snog - I know it all sounds awful. He can be lovely, i wouldn't be with him if he was a complete troll. Thing is the niceness is wearing thin whilst he is failing to address really important things in our life . :-(

Lovely people would not let their spouses struggle, nevermind taking advantage of ( which he’s doing).

Current set up is not working for you OP and your not so “D” P refuses to discuss it.

Please consider all your options. Think about your kids, you’re totally being taken for granted and financially shafted.

Wishing you strength 💐

as we are not married, she would be his next of kin and the house would go to her if anything happened to him.

Is that what he's told you?

Is it not the case that he has (possibly) left the house to his children and his wife as trustee?

You might consider going to see a solicitor vis à vis your position here.

My annual salary in region of £20k... his business last year turned over £175k of which he was taxed on £60k

Wow, stop working for him for free. Going out to dinner and going on holiday are things that people do as a couple because they want to, not in payment for work. I bet he significantly undervalues your input into his business. He'll certainly find it costs him more than a few dinners to employ someone else to do it.

When he starts asking you to help him again, tell him he'll need to pay you properly, and you'll only work a set number of hours (i.e. no 5am mornings), and the first disrespectful word will be the last.

He spoke to you like a piece of dirt??? No. Just no. He is not a nice man, no nice person treats their partner (or anyone else) like that. It's not normal or acceptable.

Open your eyes, op.

Thank you all :-)

I am not looking for any sympathy with this comment i swear - and I know i come across incredibly naive and stupid... but i know a few of you say that that's not the way to treat anyone - whilst obviously i completely agree its not right - I have not had a relationship where it has been any different.

Obviously I have friends in relationships and on the surface - what we see, i get all girly for them and think how lovely their man is with them... but my partner can be like that in front of people... so can anyone... I don't know what goes on when their door closes?? Does he speak the same to her as I get spoken to??

I feel so pathetic and I know I need to grow a pair. Always bloomin trying!!

Also, on a more positive note... thank you all for giving me a kick up the butt. I have just renewed my car insurance and got my current insurer to drop my previous quote by £113 per year!! Savings love it!

And i have just switched my energy bills to Bulb saving £46 a month :-) Its a start... thank you

Now onto Pet insurance as that costs a ruddy fortune... time to get that reduced too.

You are all fab thanks!!

If you haven't had any relationship where your partner has treated you well then this is almost inevitably due to your own poor childhood experiences. It's not your fault.

OP you deserve to be treated well behind closed doors as well as in public. Your dp doesn't treat you right, he's not gonna change, it's not a healthy relationship for you

Even if your friends are being spoken to in the same way as you are behind closed doors that doesn't make it right or acceptable.

He's not "head of the family". You are the "head" of your family with your children. He's your partner but it's pretty uncommitted on his part.

I really don't like the sound of the "payment" for your work of 50% of a car HE wanted to own. I'm glad you quit that.

Do talk to him about charging, or don't work at all. If he's up for financial conversations about minimising tax then by all means approach it that way, via pension etc.

Seriously consider if you would be better off trying to maximise your income in order to get a mortgage on a small flat for yourself. You need a long-term plan for retirement if you don't have any property, or a partner who can be relied upon to provide for your in retirement, and no pension.

I agree with PP that you are now getting to the stage where your DC need to understand that you won't be able to support them financially as young adults, and will need to plan their jobs/studies accordingly. You don't earn enough at the moment to subsidise adult children and you have to put yourself first at some point.

Do insist on seeing his will, if you can.

We tried it once, I worked for him every friday and my payment was that he paid in full for the massive car he had wanted to buy but I couldn't afford to pay half (£200) a month towards the finance. So i worked for it as a trade... but by god. It was horrendous. He thought that gave him the right to speak to me like a piece of dirt

The massive car HE wanted to buy....... this whole phrase speaks volumes.

And i have just switched my energy bills to Bulb saving £46 a month :-) Its a start... thank you

But its not your energy bill is it? Its his. He could and has threatened to kick you out at a moments notice.
Maybe you should work out just how much you are giving him every month - including the value of the labour you supply, that is both for his business and the admin you do for the home, money you spend on his kids, and other tasks you do: housework? childcare? taxi services?

And NO not all relationships are like yours. I am in the process of splitting from my H and he still massively subsidises the household expenses, he also massively overpays me for the amount of work I do for his business (as the lower tax payer its financially advantageous). Money causes more divorces than adultery.

Read your comment OP that any argument he tells you to leave, why stay?Theres no positives; he’s a small minded bully.

My annual salary in region of £20k... his business last year turned over £175k of which he was taxed on £60k
The FAIR thing to do would be for each of you to pay into the joint account PROPORTIONALLY according to your income.
The point being that it allows the lower earner to have spare money to save/spend etc.
He knows this.
He's amassing a fortune at your expense - one that you have no rights to despite helping him build it up.

You funded your ex's life, and now you're working for free for this one, who is not bothered by the inequality of your lifestyles. See the connection?
This x100.
Come on OP, life is too short - and you're too long in the tooth - to keep repeating this cycle.

This 'man' doesn't respect or value you.
He's selling you a lie and you're buying despite knowing deep down that it's a complete farce.

in honesty i feel like a lodger....and when we do have a big row he is very quick to say that the children and i should leave..
You ARE his lodger and you pay him £600+ per month for it.
You also work for free for him - like wtf, why????? The mind boggles!
You also provide him with sexual services and no doubt housekeeping services too.
He's got it made hasn't he?

When will you open your eyes and start respecting yourself?
When he throws you and your dc out onto the street with nowhere to go and no money to afford it?
Or when you're too old/ill to keep this up - and he chucks you out or trades you in for a more 'suitable' model?
When you're left with next to nothing and no security upon retirement?
Is he even going to allow you to retire - seeing as you won't be able to continue paying for everything?

He's blatantly using you and doesn't give a shit about your security or wellbeing.
That will be wrote where you fought to be given consideration - it can be changed without your consent and knowledge and you won't find out until he's dead.
Why do you allow yourself to be treated like shit? WHY?

@SavingSpaces2019 ...Thank you. I needed to read that. I am going to keep reading it .

I keep trying to convince myself he is the good guy and that it is me that is expecting too much.. but deep down I don't think I ask a lot...hence the post originally and my confusion with life.

I think you just wrote what my gut has been telling me. I can only thank you. Just need to put my big girl pants on i guess.

Thank you all.. for your comments, positive in every way - even the hard ones. You are an awesome community..

xx

You’re just a lodger who offers extras. You deserve so much better. He wouldn’t marry you, he’d be full of excuses as to why he couldn’t, but the truth is that it wouldn’t suit his agenda.

Leave him to it, get a place of your own.

If your son still wants to work for him, that’s between them.

Call HMRC’s anonymous fraud hotline and report your ex, giving the reasons why you think he’s evading tax by reporting lower earnings.

Take some control back. And make sure your next man is a decent one. Good luck.