What am I doing wrong?

[freerunner75]

So, not so much a teenager question - more of a step-family situation question. Am going to be honest and will completely take pies thrown at my head and being put in the right if i am in the wrong!

I have been with my partner now for 11years, lived together for 6. He bought the property we live in from his parents - i wasn't allowed to be on the mortgage as it was a family purchase (scarred from being 'rinsed' in his divorce)

My two- now teenagers live with us - son 18 and daughter 16. My OH step children visit us whenever they want to.

My problem is money. I work full time - in all probably about 42 hours a week (4-6 hours for my partners business - unpaid)..

We both have one joint account to which my partner puts in £500 per month towards bills and food. I pay in £600. (he pays his mortgage separately)... I also then pay for everything my children and I need -so a car and related costs for me, phones for 3 of us, food for our dogs, pet insurance, other related costs - i/e odds and sods that the children need.

My partner pays for holidays (and doesn't let me forget it!) and does chip in if I am struggling.. (and doesn't let me forget it!!) He is self employed and does do quite well financially.

So - here is where i duck the pies. Each month, around this time of the month, despite earning a fairly good wage... I am totally broke. I literally have nothing. Each month I have nothing spare for any life insurance or pension for my future and am unable to save. I don't have enough to buy myself luxuries and have to scrabble around for every penny.

My partner on the other hand - does whatever he wants, buys whatever he wants etc... always wears nice clothes. He pays his Ex a large sum for his children each month so I get that he shouldn't also be supporting mine - (my 2's father doesn't now pay a bean!)

My question is - this doesn't seem right? I seem to be working flat out every single month and not earning bad money - but its gone in a flash - and I don't waste it or blow it on anything - i don't have enough to do that? Is this normal? Is this a normal financial 'blended' family situation?

Any advice hugely appreciated.

Thank you.

At first I thought it was all fair game until I saw what he earnt in comparison to you
😂 How stingey of him!

@hellsbellsmelons.. you make it sound so easy. Just to walk away.

He earns 6x what you do but your penniless while he swans about in the best of gear 🙄
Does he not care you are struggling?
Leave, that’s what I would do.
It’s meant to be a partnership.

I think thr split seems right, in your favour even considering there is three of you and one of him living there. You're pretty much living rent free.

The issue is you're a low earner, and you are supporting three of you on your wage, their father doesn't contribute. So of course you're skint.

It's not your new partners job to financially support your kids. It's you're and their fathers. He is doing his bit by paying nearly half the household bills and providing you all with someplace to live. In reality he only has 25 percent of the living costs, you seventy five percent.

You’re in a precarious position OP and subsequently have placed your DC in one.

You’re not on the mortgage so have no legal rights to the home. He is paying the mortgage himself, fair enough but how are your monthly bills (without your car, DC’s things, phone bills and obviously mortgage) £600? It seems steep to me and as though you actually are paying a chunk towards the mortgage.

Personally, I think you’re being ripped off by him. He sounds selfish and cruel to see you struggling so much but not offer to help or at least, when he does help he rubs it in your face. I’d be considering leaving.

Might he consider putting ‘your’ car on the business? Again, probably advantageous tax wise to him. You wouldn’t own the car but it would cut your costs considerably and as cars are a depreciating asset anyway if you did split up it would just mean getting another car loan then.

The income disparity is huge but as Bluntness says but it’s nit necessarily unfair given you’re not married.

I’d stop paying anything for his kids, though - you really can’t afford it and it’s not as if he pays for yours.

Suggest putting all shopping on a credit card that’s paid off in full each month from the joint account to get a true cost of groceries- £400 sounds too low to me once you add in visiting teens etc.

You do need to start thinking about your future security as you get older - he’s laid his cards out pretty clearly that you can’t rely on his commitment so do think of yourself.

I would also make sure you’re not contributing to anything in the joint account that is really a householder expense e.g. life insurance for the mortgage or general maintenance or anything you otherwise wouldn’t pay if you lived without him.

Into joint (bills account) he pays £500 per month

So he allows £400 food shop per month (for up to 7 of us...inc sons gf and my step children)...

Household bills come to approx £580 per month.

I pay £600 but end up topping up food etc....

If bills are £580, then you should be paying £290, plus groceries.

Instead you’re paying £600 plus extra on groceries.

Doesn’t sound right.

Assuming a "good" wage is £25k your take home would be £2,000.
£600 goes towards food and bills leaving £1,400 for car costs, dog food, phones and pet insurance plus spending money.
It doesn't sound like it should be a big struggle?

Sorry I missed that you earn £20k - so £1,667 take home.

How could you be better off on your own though since you would then have to pay rent as well as bills.

Tbh I wouldn't say you are earning a good wage, so maybe this could be something to focus on.
My DD's friends make £10.50 per hour (equiv to £20k pa) working at Sainsbury's aged 18.

Financially it seems fair - it would cost you far more to pay rent/mortgage plus Bill's than £500. However, for someone who earns loads and you're supposedly in love and have lived together for 11 years to see you struggle financially, that is awful and I would not continue in that relationship

Thank you to each of you who have taken time to reply.... i have lots to think about!

Im not expecting him to fund my life at all just to clarify... i just hoped that once i was in a long term relationship i would be more financially secure...(not expecting to be rich off someone else)....but certainly not on the breadline.

I will do some more homework tonight and see what i can do if anything... if not...and indeed i am better off on my own...then i guess i dont have a lot of choice....feeling this upset,stressed and confused is not good for my health so i need to sort it.

Thanks again all.

Off to buy a lottery ticket too!

@snog Aren't you forgetting tax and ni?

It's not easy and in my previous PP I didn't say to walk away.
You can still date. You just cannot afford to live with him anymore.
I think if you tell him this it may make him see that you are very serious.

Where’s the partnership in all this? The long term commitment to each otger’s Joint security? It seems so begrudgingly worked out by him! I’d rather have no holidays or meals out than be made to feel I should be grateful. At any point he can chuck you and your children out, you should never ever get in to this situation. It’s too precarious. Do you get any say in the house? On furnishings? Does it feel like your home?

No Mrs Teaspoon ....in honesty i feel like a lodger....and when we do have a big row he is very quick to say that the children and i should leave.. i dont feel secure at all and it doesnt feel like home. Think that says a lot in black and white 😞

You would have more rights as a Lodger. As it is he could probably chuck you and your kids out with no notice.

So I would start looking for your own home, and claim what benefits you can etc.

Is your DD going to school/college at the end of the summer? If not then £60 a month sounds very very low.

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain yes you are right I didn't take off NI and tax

Imo you have 2 options ; either leave & get your own property. Probably would have to rent but I imagine on your income you would be entitled to some benefits. OR. Tell him that you can only pay 1/3 of the Bill's as you only earn a third of what he does. Problem is you dont have any security at all. He probably says your contribution is in lieu of rent, but at least with personally renting you have some security & the law behind you.

Personally I think he's sold you a good 'un. In your situation you are either a partnership or you're not. If you're a partnership then things are shared equall. You have got the worst of both worlds

You've been together for over a decade, he should be treating you like his partner. Things are not right at all. Have you talked about marriage? Assume he doesn't want to...

Have you talked to dp about your worries for your old age? If he is a decent man he will surely understand and adjust your joint financial arrangements so that you can pay for pension contributions - probably 10% of your gross salary as an absolute minimum, definitely more if you are older and have no pension already.

If he just doesn't care about this that's something of an indictment on your relationship.

Well done OP for addressing these issues.

Did you have your own property before you moved in with him OP?

He sounds very stingy given his wages. If he managed to pay for his mortgage and bills without your contribution before, in all honesty, I think he is being cheeky asking for so much

Come on @freerunner75 you know this situation is unfair. Especially now you've mentioned the difference in your earnings.

You're either a team or you aren't. Personally I couldn't be with someone long term if we didn't at a certain point consider ourselves a team - probably while I'm still single!

Even if he paid you for the work you do for his business (why do you do this for free and have you broached the conversation) this still wouldn't balance the situation.

Can you make the list as you did above with all earnings and spendings and either write a note to say you need to discuss finances, attaching the list, or sit down and go through it with him. Him reading and digesting it on paper first might allow him to not do a knee jerk reaction.

And be honest - instead of just saying it's unfair fair, say to him it's making you feel upset, unappreciated and insecure. And that this is making you seriously question the relationship.

If he still doesn't give a shit and doesn't want to change things then you kind of have your answer - could you spend the rest of your life living hand to mouth and watching him having an easier time of it? I couldn't.

I know it's shit OP and you sound like a bit of a superwoman but if this carries on you'll end up having a huge breakdown argument you can't come back from, or you'll feel a little more beaten down and sad every year that passes.

Come on you deserve better than that. I know it's an old MN favourite but what would you say to your daughter if she was in your position?

Write it in black and white so he can see clearly. Tell him his reaction is potentially going to be a dealbreaker.

Sorry OP it sounds shit and you sound like an absolute grafter so it's especially unfair