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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't feel comfortable. How to decline politely without hopefully offending.

78 replies

Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 09:35

Hi all,
first time poster here. Ok so I have 2 sons. My SIL is a nice person but a bit over bearing at times her DH more so and her DH have no kids of their own. They ask often to have alone time with my boys they do sometimes ask us all as a family but rarely. I have let the oldest go a couple of times but never both or just my youngest and my youngest who has just potty trained they have started to ask to have the youngest for a few hours when the oldest is in school without us. I know some people are totally fine about letting their kids go. I do let my mil and fil have them alone but they have never been pushy and I completely feel comfortable as they have had kids. I do feel a bit mean but I have a uncomfortable feeling. SIL when my first was newborn joked he was hers not mine and I know it was hormones but it wasn't a great start and there have been a few issues of them taking them places without telling us or meeting up with people (their friends we don't know without telling us) I also just feel not great about them taking care of my youngest personal care too I don't know why. They have never done it or had him anytime on their own. My SIL was too I'll for about a year to have them so there has been a big time gap of her not asking but now she is getting better it's started again. Her DH is a bit full on as well always expecting them to give him hugs and kisses even when the don't want to. They are extrovert I'm introvert so maybe I know we just clash a bit. But I do want my boys to see them and have a nice relationship as I know they are lucky boys to be loved but I always want to feel comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 09:38

Sorry typos I meant " issues when they took him (my oldest)"
Also she was too "ill"

OP posts:
MrsxRocky · 15/07/2019 09:41

My kids only stay away from me if it suits me. If I don't have plans then they don't go. Don't force yourself out of comfort zone

Fedupatforty · 15/07/2019 09:42

Hi, think you may have posted in the wrong section. Ask MN to mo e to AIBU and you’ll get more responses.

Think you should trust your gut and not let children alone with them. It seems at best odd and at worst sinister to want the children with out the parents especially when they are very little. I would just say no and get DH to back you up.

Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 09:45

Thanks. I just noticed! I don't know how I did that. I will try doing that thanks. I'm sure it's just me being silly and I also think none of the other aunties and uncles ask so I guess I'm not used to it. I don't want to be unfair to them but I can't shake this feeling

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 15/07/2019 09:45

I do think it’s a bit odd they want to almost ‘borrow’ your kids. Do the kids enjoy going and spending time with them? What does your husband think about his sister’s ability to take care of your youngest?
Trust your instincts, while many people would be delighted with some child free time, if you aren’t comfortable don’t do it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/07/2019 09:46

They are your kids, not hers and you are under no obligation to share them. Tell her the kids have become a bit clingy and want to stay with you. Or that you have plans. Or simply that you don't want to be away from your children right now.

Underworld345 · 15/07/2019 09:47

I would trust your gut on these types of things. Why don’t they have their own children? If you don’t want to let them have your kids then don’t. Like a previous poster said, only let them if it’s convenient for you and you actually want to.

Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 09:53

He understands where I'm coming from and knows they have a few issues but thinks overall they be fine he is more laid back than me. He has suggested just letting them take the boys to the local park for an hour it's right by our house so if little one needs the loo they can bring him back. I think I be ok with this actually, but they have just took my oldest off places in the he past and only knew about it when they return. So trust gets broken. I'm not overly keen on them meeting up with people we don't know either.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 15/07/2019 10:00

Just tell them your notification ready start small, they can accompany you to the park. Then build up, they can have them for an hour while you nip out. If they return them late without asking, then pull them up on it and next time it's back to accompanying you to the park. If they make a fuss ignore and next time they ask say no. Your kids aren't toys and it looks like they want to play mummy and daddy.

VenusTiger · 15/07/2019 10:08

I agree with @IWannaSeeHowItEnds - don’t be guilt tripped into this. The clingy suggestion sounds good, I’d go with that. You could also say, that, you sent like not knowing where your children are, which is perfectly reasonable, probably the truth (would be for me) and is polite.
Say, your kids don’t like going to new places without mommy and/or daddy.
They are your children, if you end up offending your SIL then so be it, it’s not your intention to offend.

VenusTiger · 15/07/2019 10:09

*don't not like

VenusTiger · 15/07/2019 10:10

Doh! Stupid phone! I meant you *don’t like not sent like

SagAloojah · 15/07/2019 10:14

Where did they take your dc without telling you? I wouldn't be happy with that.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/07/2019 10:18

This 'alone time' people are apt to demand with other people's children is so strange. It tempts me to ask what these people want to do with those children that they don't want their parents to see.

For this reason alone I'd be declining. And if they became too persistent, I might be tempted to ask them precisely that.

YANBU.

Butterymuffin · 15/07/2019 10:19

I would be going with them for now. They don't get to demand 'alone time' with your kids. Accompany them to the park or whatever and just take the opportunity to sit and let them do the running and playing. The clingy excuse is good for cover but the fact is you don't have to agree to anything you're not comfortable with.

Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 10:19

I will probably explain also why I'm like this I think. My parents when I was 10 months agreed to a couple they where very close to to borrow me for a weekend away (wife loved babies and I was a very good baby) anyway it came out years later her husband was a child abuser Sad I hope nothing happened and I was safe with his wife. My parents never suspected anything and my behaviour was fine so I'm just hoping it was ok for me..but it might be why Im a bit cautious. Now I don't think this sort of thing about my SIL and her DH but you just have to be careful. I just think they maybe can't or not the right time to have kids or something..I haven't asked outright. I recall my SIL saying if they don't have kids they will always have our two sons. I'm sure she didn't meant it in a creepy way..but I was a bit creeped.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 15/07/2019 10:21

Don't let them. Next time they ask, instead invite them over to your house to see your DCs if you want to maintain a relationship with them. You don't need to make a big stance just gently re-calibrate the relationship.
I know exactly what you mean about the broken trust. One of my relatives consistently tried to develop a relationship with my DC without us and they would take DS to places we hadn't agreed etc. They'd even take the DC out of their gran's without our permission.

Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 10:23

Your SIL took them to someone else' house, IIRC.
You need to trust your instincts here and not let them go.

They are not her DC. You and your DH decide where your DC go. End of story.

Sooverthemill · 15/07/2019 10:28

My SIL /BIL are a bit like this. They are also childless ( not through choice). SIL is sister to my DH who is always in awe of her. I loathe the woman for many reasons. She often wanted ( kids now adults) to have special days with our 3 kids ( back story, eldest two are from DH first marriage and we only had them 40% so time with them was precious) and were annoyed when for example they couldn't go to stay for a week in the school holidays ( state school, 6 weeks holidays 2 away with their mum and two away with us and then the 40% with us, bloody hard to timetable and quite exhausting) or on birthdays ( same issue, child had birthday with whichever parent they were with or for our DD she usually just wanted to chill at home with her mum and dad or friends). We don't live near them ( 3 and a half hour drive each way) so day visits not easy. SIL says I 'block' her from having a relationship with the her nieces and nephew. But when DSD was studying for 3 years at the university in the city next door she saw her once! Despite promising to take her out for dinner once a month before hand it never materialised. There is so much else that this woman has done to the kids that I now can't even answer the phone to her, I know it's stupid but she is a cow. We had similar issue with the grandparents too but once we explained that every other weekend we actually saw the family all together for just a few hours ( Wednesday &Friday overnights and EOW ) they understood. We sometimes went to stay for the weekend but it was hard because the drive was very long and we had to have eldest two back by 4 to their mum

Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 10:30

I had this too..we were staying in a hotel for a family wedding. I was pregnant and had no sleep oldest was sent to my mil and fil room for a couple of hours early morning so I could get some sleep with my DH going to buy some breakfast. SIL and bro ended up insisting on the grandparents to take them and when I woke he was in their room..I hardly knew her husband then as they just got engaged. I was annoyed about that done behind our backs too.

OP posts:
kateandme · 15/07/2019 10:32

i think your fears are very real becasue of what youve gone through.and whilst we shouldnt put our worries onto our little one niether can we ever blme someone for being overly cautious when theyve seen what can happen when your not(or what couldve) so your a bit over protective.with kids so young that cant be a bad thing and it doesnt sound like your swamping them.
tbh though i think even as parent who hasnt ad your experience when you were a baby id be still a bit "erm" ..."actually no" and thats ok.your the parent.they are YOUR children so dont let anyone guilt trip you.
and from what youve written i was reading your post and getting a bit gut instinctie(a word!) myself.
i dont think my mum let us go out like that either.apart from if it was necessary.
and we had one uncle who was a bloody nightmare.he hated kids,i think he hated people.and mym mum was very "no bloody way" about bein around him too much.he was our protective guide knowing who he is now i will be foever grateful to her for doing that.
god sorry long reply here but to sum up.you do you,you be you.your their mum.end of.

Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 10:33

Reply to lillithfamilar..sorry I'm not familiar with navigating this site at the mo!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtotwo82 · 15/07/2019 10:35

Thanks for all your replies ladies I've never really spoken about this before and I'm going to take on alot of this advice without hopefully causing them offence. I do really want them to have a good healthy relationship with the boys too.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 15/07/2019 10:37

Pushing you children for physical affection is not on, wether it isdone in your presence or not. Part of children establishing strong safe boundaries for themselves is that they are empowered to trust their own instincts and supported in saying no to giving hugs and kisses if they don't want to give or receive them. Your in laws sound at best a bit needy and at worst disrespectful/sinister.

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 10:40

Been there,got the tee shirt.

DDs aunt & uncle are childless by choice, but we realised when they kept wanting to "borrow" Hmm DD for a day out, it was basically as an accessory so they could hang out with their friends who do have DCs. The accessory had to behave & be dressed in an appropriate way for them though, which made it very easy for me to put a stop with it without a fuss. 😆

Coax your boys that they do not have to kiss or cuddle anyone they don't want to, good life lesson anyway & that it's okay to make a big big fuss if someone, especially grown ups don't listen. Having a kid screaming get off me, I don't like that, when forcing cuddles on them, especially if they aren't yours gets attention that the aunt/uncle won't like.

Dress them in a way that will make them less of a suitable accessory to the SIL. This was easy for us as SIL has very old fashioned, practically Victorian ideas on how DCs should be dressed, which is the opposite of us anyway, making it very easy to make DD less of an attractive accessory