I don't feel comfortable. How to decline politely without hopefully offending.

[Mumtotwo82]

Hi all,
first time poster here. Ok so I have 2 sons. My SIL is a nice person but a bit over bearing at times her DH more so and her DH have no kids of their own. They ask often to have alone time with my boys they do sometimes ask us all as a family but rarely. I have let the oldest go a couple of times but never both or just my youngest and my youngest who has just potty trained they have started to ask to have the youngest for a few hours when the oldest is in school without us. I know some people are totally fine about letting their kids go. I do let my mil and fil have them alone but they have never been pushy and I completely feel comfortable as they have had kids. I do feel a bit mean but I have a uncomfortable feeling. SIL when my first was newborn joked he was hers not mine and I know it was hormones but it wasn't a great start and there have been a few issues of them taking them places without telling us or meeting up with people (their friends we don't know without telling us) I also just feel not great about them taking care of my youngest personal care too I don't know why. They have never done it or had him anytime on their own. My SIL was too I'll for about a year to have them so there has been a big time gap of her not asking but now she is getting better it's started again. Her DH is a bit full on as well always expecting them to give him hugs and kisses even when the don't want to. They are extrovert I'm introvert so maybe I know we just clash a bit. But I do want my boys to see them and have a nice relationship as I know they are lucky boys to be loved but I always want to feel comfortable.

Trust your gut. I have experience of this. XXX

MIL did this. She'd say "I'll just take her to the park" and then she'd take her to her friends or the shopping centre.

I had NO issue with her going to her friend's house or to the shopping centre but for some reason, MIL liked not saying and then feeling in control.

So I stopped letting her take DD out entirely. I never explained why....DH did. He told her "If you take DD out and we have no idea where you are, what if something happens? Nobody will be able to tell one another"

And then she got it. Perhaps impress this on them.

" So trust gets broken."

Enough said imo!

There's no way I would be sending my kids to spend 'alone time' with anyone!

Just say 'No, that arrangement doesn't suit us, but you're welcome to come over and visit us all at home and we can go to the park next to us'. It's different if you need help and have to ask but them asking to take your children is a bit strange. If they worded it as wanting to help you out or give you a break for a couple of hours it would make more sense but not that they just want to take your kids out.

You're not being over cautious. Their lack of boundaries may not be sinister but it's enough to set off alarm bells for you and you should listen. No need to say yes, not a risk you need to take.

my dc, i wouldn't be worried about offending anyone.[such a british response] it's not happening, you can't trust them and your dc aren't playthings to be dressed up and shown off to their friends.
regarding dressing the dc in 'non showy' clothes, they sound like the sort of people who would take dc shopping for something more trendy,then rub your nose in it to boot, 'poor dc very basically dressed had to get them something designer so they fit in' blah, blah.

Trust your instincts. The hotel room thing sounds really odd. I'd not be allowing alone time.

And for the posters who pop up to scoff at the idea of a paedophile on every street - statistically there is one. Paedophilia is far more common than many people imagine, around 2-4% of the population.

Wow! Actually cannot believe some of the replies here.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks I'm so bloody glad you aren't any relation to me.

OP I get it, they are being pushy, you need to assert your boundaries and that is fine but coming from the perspective of someone who 'borrows' other peoples kids. I do it because I am childless, unlikely to ever have a child due to fertility issues and in the case of my nephew my husband and I can take him places and offer experiences his parents aren't able to.

I'd be utterly disgusted if my brother or his ex partner thought the only reason I wanted to spend time with him was so I can do things to him.

Not every person who wants to spend time with your child is a potential child snatcher. You know what some people just like to do nice things and have experiences they would never otherwise have both the child and the adult and I am so grateful to the people in my life that understand that.

It is so wrong to take you child somewhere not agreed. I can totally understand your reluctance. It sounds like this is a control issue. If they want to visit the dcs, they can come to your house and play with toys in their bedroom or go for a walk to the park with you. A child just out of nappies is very young and unpredictable. It doesn’t appear they are willing to listen to how your dcs need looking after. Some kids run off. Others don’t for example.

@Userundone - spot on. I don’t care if they’re family. My DS who is 6 has only ever been alone with my parents who he has a strong bond with, since he was born. Sees them regularly. My DH will not let anyone else take care of him.
They are your children not your pets. Please trust your instincts. You’re their mom. Say no.

I understand your concerns .But your SIL is presumably unable to have a family ,so likes to take out nephews/nieces for outings /treats .I dont think you are being unreasonable at all TBH but maybe just let oldest one go for now?.If you dont feel happy about both going .All you need to say is "thank you ,but he may need the toilet and I need to deal with that."Obviously you dont want them to "take over"as it were ,but you have willing babysitters which many people would envy!

Your kids, your decision. That's the top and bottom of it really. If you want to say no, say no. You don't have to give a reason, and you should never be asked for one either. So what if this causes family tension - it's your job to protect your kids and keep them safe and that is what you must do

@Travis1 wrote: '@MarieIVanArkleStinks I'm so bloody glad you aren't any relation to me*.

Me, too, my lovely. My [individual, autonomous] DC are NOT playthings for other people's entertainment.

It seems at best odd and at worst sinister to want the children with out the parents especially when they are very little.

Most aunts and uncles who want to spend 1-1 time with their nieces and nephews is either completely harmless and beneficial for the child to have close extended family relationships, build bonds and in 99.99% of cases there is nothing "sinister". Spending 1-1 time with nieces and nephews is not unusual in most families and a completely different, richer, experience than spending time with the whole family.

op, you obviously don't like/trust your sil/bil, and as a parent it is entirely up to you to go with you instincts and not to let them develop close relationships with your children.

If I found out any of my siblings/in-laws were concerned/uncomfortable about me spending 1-1 time with their children, and especially uncomfortable about me changing a nappy I would find that highly offensive that they were either suggesting I would either be neglectful with their care or implying there was the slightest risk I could get sexual kicks out of it.

Trust your instincts.

Alone time with your children shouldn't be a deal-breaker for a children-SIL relationship. And if it is, well, that's not right.

These are your mothering instincts and please honour them. You'll know when you're ready to leave the kids with them.

And agree that hotel room episode is a bit off. I'm not suggesting anything, but maybe SIL's boundaries need to be reset.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks and as such you are depriving your children of an extended family who can offer support and help when needed. As an adult, my closest family member is an aunt who I used to spend summers with her and her daughter and husband. Completely NC with my 'mother' but the relationship that was cultivated with my aunt and uncle has given me more support and understanding than my mother ever could.

Here's hoping your children don't have a need for similar familial efforts in the future, especially since compassion seems to be a seriously lacking quality on your part.

@brokenwing I agree, it is horrendously offensive to assume that because someone doesn't have a child of their own they are incapable of caring for a child or wish to abuse any child they can get some 'alone time' with.

I wish people wouldn't worry so much about causing an upset when they deal with pushy people. they wont take no for an answer without causing a scene, that's how they get their own way. It's a not very subtle threat that there will be consequences if they don't get their own way.

Stop worrying about them making a scene, they are taking your kids off without your knowledge and that should make anyone uncomfortable.

I agree, trust your instincts. Being so pushy for time alone (especially with the youngest on his own), insisting on kissing and cuddling and the hotel incident are not behaviours I'd be happy with.

sil and her dh do not seem to understand boundries though, demanding and being pushy makes it about them showing off, not fostering a relationship with young family members

No no no no no!!! I feel sick to my stomach reading this.

Pushing you children for physical affection is not on, wether it isdone in your presence or not. Part of children establishing strong safe boundaries for themselves is that they are empowered to trust their own instincts and supported in saying no to giving hugs and kisses if they don't want to give or receive them. Your in laws sound at best a bit needy and at worst disrespectful/sinister.

This 1000 times over! If you cant trust your own gut and act on it how can you possibly expect your kids to?!

Hi there OP,

We hope you don't mind, we're going to move this to Relationships now.

Trust your gut, you have valid reasons for not being comfortable with this. Taking the children to meet their friends without telling you, the hotel incident, forcing kisses and cuddles, are NOT the actions of loving, family members.

My GD has autism, and there are times she doesn't want to kiss or hug me, and I would never dream of forcing her to, and I tell her she doesn't have to. The next time I see her, can be quite different, and she'll want to sit snuggled up with me. She knows she can trust me.

I like the suggestion by a pp, to teach your DC, to shout out, if they're forced to kiss etc. All children should be taught about boundaries and bodily autonomy.

While they are almost certainly innocent, some of these behaviours are those used by child abusers to groom families. If your ILs have your best interests at heart they will understand if you explain bodily autonomy and stop with the kissing. They will also not be offended if you say no to an invitation. They can still have a good relationship without spending extended periods of time alone with the DCs.

I would not be allowing this. No way. Your children are not on loan to other people for their needs. This is not a good example to your children when they ought to be learning about boundaries, and possession of their own body and well being etc.

I would stop all contact with them without your presence, if they ask you why, say it no longer works for you. You don't need to get into your reasons. Their persistence if it happens, tells you all you need to know.

Needs and wishes of the children need to come first!

I think it is pretty bloody strange to be honest with you.