I don't feel comfortable. How to decline politely without hopefully offending.

[Mumtotwo82]

Hi all,
first time poster here. Ok so I have 2 sons. My SIL is a nice person but a bit over bearing at times her DH more so and her DH have no kids of their own. They ask often to have alone time with my boys they do sometimes ask us all as a family but rarely. I have let the oldest go a couple of times but never both or just my youngest and my youngest who has just potty trained they have started to ask to have the youngest for a few hours when the oldest is in school without us. I know some people are totally fine about letting their kids go. I do let my mil and fil have them alone but they have never been pushy and I completely feel comfortable as they have had kids. I do feel a bit mean but I have a uncomfortable feeling. SIL when my first was newborn joked he was hers not mine and I know it was hormones but it wasn't a great start and there have been a few issues of them taking them places without telling us or meeting up with people (their friends we don't know without telling us) I also just feel not great about them taking care of my youngest personal care too I don't know why. They have never done it or had him anytime on their own. My SIL was too I'll for about a year to have them so there has been a big time gap of her not asking but now she is getting better it's started again. Her DH is a bit full on as well always expecting them to give him hugs and kisses even when the don't want to. They are extrovert I'm introvert so maybe I know we just clash a bit. But I do want my boys to see them and have a nice relationship as I know they are lucky boys to be loved but I always want to feel comfortable.

I don’t think YABU OP. I’d feel odd about this, if it were my kids.

I have several nieces and nephews. I have a good relationship with them all but have never demanded to have them to myself, even pre-my own. When they are grown ups I will tell them if they want to ever stay with me they can. Until then, I am the one who spoils them with presents, and turns up to the days out, ballet performances etc.

They sometimes stay with my mum by themselves (for work childcare) when I am there but my mum is always ‘in charge’. In my personal experience, an aunt or uncle isn’t normally like a parent figure. I am happy with that as it means they don’t see my shouty side...

Having said that, if I don’t get grandchildren I will definitely adopt my sister’s

I feel it is strange for any relative to ask you if they can spend time alone with your DC. Why do they need to? There have been plenty of threads where MILs have requested this quite early in the life of the DC. What the heck is that all about?

Why can't relatives form relationships with your DC in your presence? I think it's fine if you ask other relatives to mind your DC on occasions when you want to go out, but not for them to ask you.

It isn't right that SIL and her DH ask for kisses/cuddles and I would urge you to teach your DC that they only have to be kissed if they want to be.

It also isn't right that they take your DC to see others without your knowledge. You need to know where your DC are at all times. Because they did that and because of the hotel incident, just tell SIL straight that she won't be having the DC alone again anytime.

Establish your boundaries and stick to them.

Thanks for all your replies. Today I invited SIL on her own for lunch and let her basically look after my son while I got on with jobs around the home. I even popped out to the corner shop for 10 minutes. Everything was really relaxed today. I'm going to just keep to this and only invite her
for now if im on my own. Unless my DH is around then her husband can join. It went fine..she did ask to take him to see her DH later because he finished work but I just said We can visit you both as a family soon. I also texted her and said please text/call when you want to see us and it was nice to spend time with her. Maybe if they don't pressure us and chill a bit I think I will feel fine for them to take them on outings as long as they can respect we need communication as we are the parents. I still don't think I will for a couple more years though.