Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@GleefulGlitch A similar thing happened to me a few months ago. I was chatting with someone on Tinder who seemed nice, and his photos were good. He then send me a video of him doing something we have a shared interest in and he looked very different! It might have been the light or the camera angle but it put me right off and I stopped chatting!

Pleased its not just me Sun!

Average if it helps I prefer to stay chatting on the sites as whatsapp give them your number and I am big on dating life/private life bein separate at the moment. Doesnt mean I want to stop chatting though

Thanks all. That was my view.

Time to get swiping!

@Averageguy Rule #7! It sounds as though you’ve given her lots to work with but for whatever reason she’s not picking it up; I think perhaps it may be time to get a-swipin’.

@Lillyrose19 and @GleefulGlitch I think lots of people look really variable in photos. If I take 5 photos of MrSG, he can look like a completely different person in each one. It’s weird. Tbh, that happens in person too - his face can look a completely different shape depending on what his hair is doing and sometimes just for no reason at all. (Although, annoyingly, he looks good in all these different guises).

@Sunshineandflipflops Do you think MrArt realises that you are only willing to be friends?

@AverageGuy I agree that she sounds quite apathetic really. I think I’d just leave the ball in her court and see what happens. I know OLD can be demoralising and make one jaded. But, really, a bit of enthusiasm at the start of meeting someone is important.

@kermitrulesok Oh no. You must be feeling dreadfully teenage right now.
Have you got any really impressive concealer? Can you hide it with your hair? Maybe gets some arnica to help the bruise heal faster. The lasting reminder aside, it sounds like it was a good night with MrTall.

@SimonJT Laugh away. I do too. Why do you think I chose this particular mythical character (and the Korean version of his name)? It’s a ridiculous name, particularly if said in a Scottish accent (it sounds like someone celebrating their own penis 😂).

On bikinis, I’m not sure I have the patience to sew my own triangles. I could crochet some but that would probably not offer the kind of nipple coverage required. 😂

I’ve ordered one of these tie back crop top things, in the hope that it’ll offer sufficient nork coverage. I’m definitely not going to look as good in it as that model though.

@JeSuisPrest This weekend I will (need to) solve my what to wear on the beach/in swimming pools/water parks issue. And pack to go on holiday. Five (out of 6) of us are going (my DS1 declined to come because he’s 19 and family style holidays are something to avoid at that age).

I’ve also been getting valuations for my house. I only bought it a year ago, but it cannot accommodate 6 people. It appears to have gone up in value significantly (between £20k and £40k depending on interest, based on sold prices in this street and surrounding streets). Apparently I got a total bargain and picked exactly the right area to buy a house in. The estate agents actually sound genuinely enthusiastic when I tell them my address (and that I have a garden and garage, both of which are hard to come by in this street). So that’s good, I guess.

None of that is dating news - although I guess both are signs that OLD can actually bloody work. There are good ones out there (even if their photos seem to be of completely different people).

Also, well done on organising a date @FMFL. What’s the plan?

50 years since Neil Armstrong walked on the moon tomorrow...

I remember being woken up by my mum, to watch this historical event on a black and white telly... It made a real impression on 7 year old me..

Hope everyone’s weekend dates go well.

@Woo - all your positive stories are great. It is definitely lovely to hear how all the relationships are moving on and really does give us all hope.

@AverageGuy I also agree - leave her be. She is giving you scraps but nothing more

@FMFL definitely give the bad photo guy a quick coffee date. I have found so many guys seem better in real life than photos. If the chat is going well then base it on that, you will have a good time even if you don’t fancy him...

Things with Mr Tri are going well. We have a bizarre situation where he met my kids the first morning (he slept on sofa...) and has popped over a couple times and seen them then. They just see him as another of my friends but it feels like a weird limbo situation. We seem so relaxed with each other and there is no effort, so just hoping it continues that way. I’m away to a wedding for the weekend and already feeling like I’m missing him Unusual feeling for me....

Hi Guys,

So it is definitely over with Miss B&B, she's tried, she can't make herself feel the way she felt prior to our row about me being selfish. After walking on the beach on Sunday, holding hands, kissing and turning it into sex, and a heartfelt apology to my face, she has blocked me from WhatsApp, deleted every picture, conversation, everything. Twitter/Insta, she's unfollowed me as it apparently hurts too much. She's said we have to have no contact so I'm trying to keep my phone switched off and not be tempted, and writing down here is cathartic for me. Today is day one of the rest of my life!
Instead, I've decided to travel to London today to see my ex (we were friends for two years, dated for a year, friends for two years) that Miss B&B stopped me seeing. So I'm going to see the sights and be a tourist, have dinner, go and visit the Arsenal store and throw myself back into playing all my sports. I'm well aware this is too soon and I'm doing it as a knee jerk reaction because I'm not silly, she will go on Twitter and Insta and see where I am and be jealous.
Out of interest (and it'll be offered to me on a plate) would you sleep with the ex in London tonight? Part of me wants to as it would reignite old feelings and help me get over this one quicker, but the other part of me says, if I do this I am screwing it up forever with Miss B&B.

I tried to go back on Tinder last night but I couldn't see past Miss B&B, literally nobody compared so I deleted it again!

Soz for derailing the thread.

@Auba14 Oh I'm sorry to hear that. If she has said it's definitely over then I would believe her this time and work on getting over her. Not to make her jealous, but to heal yourself.

How you do that is up to you. If you want to sleep with your ex then do so but don't do it to make Miss B&B jealous. That's not fair on anyone, including you.

I think social media can be very unhelpful at times like these and I would steer well clear to be honest. When my exh and I separated, I obviously deleted him from all social media but we have many shared friends and family and people still insists on telling me what he's doing 18 months later and I hate it. Bring back the days when we split up with someone and never heard about them ever again! Hard in the short term but so much better in the long term!

Sorry she treated you so badly @auba14 you gave so much to the relationship. She was lucky to have you

Id only sleep with an ex if it didn't change my friendship with them

Mr G has requested we stay in tonight. I told him I was very/morethanhappy to go with that suggestion

@Auba. You’re definitely not detailing the thread. It’s supposed to be about this stuff (rather than bikini woes).

I’m so sorry to hear that it’s over with MissB&B. Tbh, it really doesn’t sound like she’s treated you very well at all. She sounds like she’s quite a lot of work and drama and, actually, you deserve much better than that.

I think a trip to London sounds lovely. As does throwing yourself back into the sport that you had to sideline for MissB&B. That will make you feel more like you. And that’s important.

I don’t think I would sleep with my ex, in your situation. I can see that sex would aid the getting over it process in some ways, but I think there’s too much history and baggage with any ex. It may be better to keep that as a friendship.

@Savoretti It’s definitely supposed to feel easy and relaxed and just ‘right’. Especially at the start. It’s sweet that you’re going to miss MrTri (and already are). He sounds like he’s very good for you.

Did you book any swimming lessons?

Auba You did all you could, I think. Take time to heal.

I'm not sure seeing / sleeping with an ex is sensible at this point, particularly if it will stir up feelings, but you must do what you feel is right.

Yes, stay off social media. It can only make things worse right now.

When my exh and I separated, I obviously deleted him from all social media but we have many shared friends and family and people still insists on telling me what he's doing 18 months later and I hate it. Bring back the days when we split up with someone and never heard about them ever again!

I think you’re right that this would make a huge difference.

When I split up with my ex, I also deleted him from my SM. But I have not heard anything about him from shared friends or family at all. Indeed, it’s been amazing how little we actually shared throughout our relationship. I’m sure he asked one shared friend (who he’s always had an embarrassing man-crush on and who he went on holiday with last summer) to make a FB list that doesn’t have me on it. That friend puts everything on FB but I saw no photos from that trip (this was a good thing, I think). But other than that it appears we have no real shared connections. The shared SM connections tend to be shared colleagues rather than people that are properly part of our lives. Little wonder the relationship didn’t work then. 😂

It was just the up and down nature of it. All of this started three weeks ago because I lost my temper on the phone when she was complaining (for about the fourth time that week) about the B&B and work associated with it and how down she was feeling. We both didn't handle the argument right and it's somehow ended up as this huge monster - we've both said it's not each other that makes us unhappy it's the situations around it. But to go from this time last week being on cloud 9, her being lovely, messaging such great things that were getting us back to where we used to be, to now no contact and her acting (however right or wrong) like I'm the worst person to be around in the world is all consuming.
I know not talking is the right thing right now, but it doesn't stop me wanting to. She said she could never close the door completely as we could realise it was the wrong decision, or we could realise it was the best one we've ever made.

I won't sleep with my ex, not when my heart is somewhere totally different right now! And the best thing to do is give it time, if it's meant to be we'll find a way back together. If not then we move on!

Thank you guys :) This stops me messaging her, and she will want me to chase after her and I can't do it.

Oh god I hate SM for this reason.

I have blocked my ex on everything because I dont want to see him having a happy life

@Auba14 Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the way you write about this relationship on here really doesn’t sound healthy (for you or MissB&B).

It sounds like the emotional valence of everything is totally magnified. And it’s all either superlatively wonderful or catastrophically wrong (and sometimes balanced on a knife edge between those two extremes). That sounds exhausting just reading about it, never mind feeling it.

When everything is like that, there’s no way to discuss things fruitfully or develop the real roots of a stable and lasting relationship. Circumstances are going to be more or less difficult over time in any relationship - so you need to be able to weather that without hyperbole or drama.

And, honestly, I think it would be fair to say that this kind of switching between ‘cloud 9’ to you being ‘the worst person in the world’ is a major red flag in any partner.

Even more honestly, it’s quite a worrying disposition in anyone and would have me wondering if someone needed some proper MH support. From a professional, not from you (that is).

Sorry to hear this Auba you put a lot into that relationship, to the point where it sounded quite imbalanced though.
I agree with the others don't sleep with your ex just to get back at her, but if it will help you then just play it by ear rather than plan whether to or not beforehand.
Personally I would cut contact from your side rather than let her keep you on tenterhooks, if she decides she's made a mistake then she should chase you.
But it did sound a few weeks ago that she simply didn't have time for anybody else in her busy life, so I'm sure this isn't about you it's just her circumstances and how she deals with the pressure.
Enjoy London the distraction will be welcome I'm sure

@Auba I'm sorry to hear that; I have to say though I agree with @WooMaWang (who is still Crustaceans in my head..) that MissB&B sounds emotionally exhausting. It also sounds very one sided, in that you made all the effort. Her now being a drama llama is just shit you don't need.

Enjoy your weekend away, don't use your ex for revenge sex as that isn't fair. Take up your sports again and look forward to meeting someone that doesn't make their love for you conditional.

Re the discussion about photos - I find them strange in that a few guys I dated had borderline bad pics, yet looked so much better in the flesh - and I met up with them as the chat had been good. My current man does not look great in pics - some were lovely (taken by someone else) but any selfies were shocking as he seems to take them holding the phone below his chin

@AverageGuy she sounds disinterested, it shouldn't be that hard. Get swiping!

MrEagle and I are away for a dirty weekend the weekend and I can't bloody wait! Even though the weather will be duff I don't care.

@Sidge MrSG holds the phone low when taking selfies too. If he takes them of us I make him delete them and retake more flattering ones from a sensible angle. 😂

Enjoy your dirty weekend away.

@WooMaWang LOL I do that too!! I'm not normally shallow but he seems to have a special talent in taking selfies that make him/us look like the aliens in Mars Attacks...

Aw Auba sorry to hear that, hope you are ok. wooma I think is spot on that it didn’t sound like the right relationship for you. Have a great weekend in London x

average old is brutal. Chin up and keeps swiping.

wooma crochet bikini indeed 😂😂😂

sidge not jealous at all. Enjoy your weekend!

jesuis I am off out with my mum and sis tonight for a comedy gig and a mini music festival with a friend tomorrow.

Still talking to Mr Quest but actually don’t think I can fancy someone 10 yrs younger than me even as an FWB. Mr Offgrid has disappeared which is a shame as I liked him.

Talking to a new one who I will call Mr Beardy. Seems keen but a bit negative about old. We will see. This is my childfree weekend and I am busy so any dates would require a babysitter so need to make sure I am interested first!

I’m not sure I could fancy someone 10 years younger than me either, @Marlboroandmalbec34. I think I’d probably just look at him and think he was a wee boy.

That might be because it feels (to me) like there’s a bigger difference between 38 and 28 than there might be if it were 48 and 38. A 38 year old man isn’t going to look like a boy (I don’t think) even when I’m 48 or even 58. Certainly, at 28 a decade younger would have felt absurd (I’ve got a 19 year old now and he’s definitely a boy, as are his friends).

MrOffgrid is missing out. Although presumably he’s got offgrid tendencies, so may just like being incognito every so often.