Money and finding a husband. Did you marry someone less well off?

[user20000019]

I really want to get married have kids etc but I’ve never found the right man and I’m wondering if it’s because I am valuing the wrong things? Or maybe not? I don’t know.

I have a good job with good prospects (not earning loads but have spare money). I am attracted to men with ambition, men who are financially secure and most importantly have put down roots, have a house, savings... it is less about the money I suppose and more about the security than money can bring. For instance, a small house is just as ok as a large house but no house at all is a problem.

The issue I seem to have is that although I have dated men with a nice home and roots laid down, they often don’t have a decent job or at least a job that matches mine. Then the men who match my sort of job tend not to have properly settled down or invested in a home.

Obviously I am sure there are men out there who do fit this criteria but it isn’t common and I feel that if I was to go off on maternity for instance, or take longer than maternity periods allow, then my standard of living would drop if I relied on the income of some of these men I have dated. I find that really unattractive in a man. Is that awful? Is this being too picky? Has anyone married someone earning less or generally less well off? Am I being a dick?!

Oh and I meant to add - you can't plan for every eventuality.

My colleague married a very successful corporate lawyer earning 4 x what she did. 5 years into their marriage he had a complete breakdown, after months of hospitalisation and a suicide attempt he has fortunately recovered mentally but is not able to do what he did before. He now earns less than she does. They are still together and happy - she is just relieved he is still here.

Would you be ending your marriage if your partner had to leave their well paid career for some reason because they no longer fit your criteria? Lives change.

Why on Earth not? In this scenario I’m having his child? So yes I expect him to be out there earning the money whilst I am carrying his child and pushing a baby out!!

Do you work for yourself OP? Just wondering as if you're employed by someone else, especially a large corporation, you're likely to have a fair chunk of your maternity leave on all or most of your salary. Even my former employer which was a small company was paying the first 3 months at 90% salary.

There's also shared leave so your partner's contribution may also be staying home and caring for the baby not only being out earning.

I would seriously reconsider framing having a child with someone as you "carrying his child," it's a joint decision and a joint baby.

You’re just being sensible OP. Money opens doors. Lack of money keeps them locked tightly shut. With exes who earned very little and had debt as a result we were unable to have kids even if we’d both been ready as we simply could not have afforded to have them. Home ownership wasn’t even something we considered as it was so far out of reach. No judgment to those guys as I was in the exact same position as them at that point.

But when I went back to uni, did further studying, really honed in on my career, my earning power grew and once I was single in my late twenties I’d managed to go from earning £10k per year max in my early twenties to almost quadrupling that salary and being debt free. So I was only interested, as I knew I was ready to settle down and have kids, in guys who were also financially stable and secure with decent jobs. Didn’t have to be mega bucks, to the PP saying what about teachers and nurses that was absolutely acceptable to me, someone on above £25k imo in our part of the country is earning enough, in conjunction with a similarly earning partner, to have a nice life with bills paid, no debt, some fun and money left for savings. I just didn’t wanna get with anyone on minimum wage or in dead end jobs knowing the vision I had for my future family I wished to work towards.

As it stood I ended up meeting and falling for my OH who was still a student but final year in medical school so had a bright future, he was only 24 when we met and I was 28, obviously our income was very different but I knew he would go on to earn pretty well due to his profession and how smart he is so we dated and made plans for the future. Three years in he’s qualified, he’s great with money, he really encouraged me to start saving each month (I wasn’t great at saving before!) and before our third anniversary we’ve bought our first dream home and are expecting our first child. None of that would have really been possible if I’d got with another guy with no prospects or earning power.

If you’re looking for someone to match what you’re bringing to the table that’s great. If you can’t offer anything yourself and are still hoping to bag the good earner then that’s pretty dumb but people do seem that and it works out. Personally I knew I was ready to work towards a family and didn’t want to waste time with someone who didn’t want the same things and wouldn’t have had children in a situation where we didn’t have enough money so it just made sense to select for guys who could provide for a family just like I can.

However... at 35 you don’t have much time at all if you want a family. So you’re gonna have to either stick with your guns or be more flexible before time runs out. That’s the sad reality being a woman. And men who earn well and want kids have their pick of partners and may well be more inclined to go for someone younger who has more time left and a better chance of having children. So you’re not in the strongest position unless you decide to start the ball rolling having a child on your own.

It's really bizarre when people say money doesn’t come into it, when you need money every single day, week and month to survive. Whether you’re financially compatible is a huge consideration in a new relationship if you want to avoid getting with someone because you love them but then having it break down years later because you can’t withstand the stress of having no money. Having no money is one of the worst feelings in the world, it’s terrifying. I’ve been there and I wasn’t about to have children in a relationship where that wasn’t unlikely.

Btw my above post about how I’ve quadrupled my salary from £10k wasn’t intended to sound like I think I’m rich 😂 on MN if you’re on less than £80k people wonder how you can possibly afford to live lol. I included it more to show how much work I put in to achieve that in my twenties and lift myself out of poverty. I know there are plenty earning far more than me but I’m happy with my salary as it provides everything I need and peace of mind.

DH was on 13k when I met him. I earned more. I wasn't wild about it but he was actually much more frugal than me and had savings which I thought was a good sign. 16 years on we both earn identical salaries but I work four days as I get more cash benefits through my job and we've got through a mat leave with money to spare. It's about attitude more than income I think. Be attracted to kindness, spark and ambition, fine... but don't necessarily follow just the money.

Financial compatibility isnt just about income.

You cab have someone who earns well and has a nice house. Seem solvent. But actually shit at saving and spinks their money in gadgets or gambling and lives wage to wage. Keeps on top of their Bills but doesnt have money to save for holidays etc.

You can have someone who earns less but has always managed to save, has a cheaper house but plenty in the bank. You may not know this until you know them really well.

Financial compatibility isnt important. But that doesnt mean both have to earn the same. There are tons of relationship where the women never earns as much as the man, and plenty of them work out

It's really bizarre when people say money doesn’t come into it, when you need money every single day, week and month to survive

I don't think anyone is saying that. Shared financial values is clearly important, what's being said is if your primary and over riding focus is to find a man to pay for your maternity leave you've got your priorities wrong.

It should be team work. Both parents are financially responsible. But more than that you should be looking for someone you share many other values with, and wish to raise a child with.

Yeah you're limiting yourself an awful lot there. So long as they have a job and aren't on their arse I don't see why them bringing a home to the marriage is what you're focusing on. Focus on the person, fall in love, enjoy the sex... then, eventually build a future together including houses etc.

V weird and grabby mode of thinking imo.

As someone who broadly fits the OPs criteria I hope she’s as honest in her dating profile and in real life as she is on here as that way I know who to avoid.

Also mine and DPs jobs are worlds apart but we still have loads in common

I married someone who earned more than me and had a very comfortable life.

My new partner earns half of what my ex did, we'll never be wealthy but he's happy and fulfilled, he's not lazy, has no debt and he's the most amazing father. I've contributed more to our life financially but I am about 4563443434677 happier every single day, in every way possible.

Of course money is important but it's nowhere near as important as the person you are choosing to spend your life with. It's a risky game picking someone based on their bank statement, but if you're happy to settle then that's your call.

I don't think anyone is saying that.

I’d have to trawl back to copy specific quotes but PP have literally said that money doesn’t come into it, so they’re the ones I’m referring to!

People have said earning power doesnt come into their relationship choice.

But almost all, if not all, talk about attitudes to money being more important.

Ah so you're going to make him think that the child you both want is a favour to him so you don't have to save now, lowering your lifestyle, and so he can pay for it all. You're a high earning gold digger plain and simple

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in what you’re looking for. Unfortunately at age 35 you have fewer (not none) options than when you were 25 and you need to decide whether you really want to stick with your criteria that rigidly, letting potentially good life partners pass you by. Harsh but true.

Very few people have said money doesn't come into it at all. That would be a minority position, especially when you're in your 30s and already financially established.

What many people have said is that this level of focus on who funds ML isn't necessarily the most sensible way to approach the issue, even where they do view money as important, and also that given OPs age it might be necessary to compromise if she wants children with a partner as a priority (not a given).

@Almahart exactly what you said.
Whether we like it or not having children does impact your earning potential and career.
In case of a divorce too, you might end up having to still carry on all on your own, give away half everything you have including your pension.
When having your DC, you might also be denied that extra time you would like to stay at home with your little one because of the constant financial pressure on your to keep the boat afloat.
It might also of course work out just fine but there is an increased risk if you are with someone who has different views on finance, ambitions, life goals etc.

I think it depends. If you are already fully financially secure, have savings, own your own home etc I don't think you need to be so concerned. As you can finance it all yourself!!! I'm not sure why you would be worried about this.

But if you are only moderately ok financially then I do think it is important to be with someone who has a similar income and financial goals as you do. You can start planning financially for the future together and I think this is the best way to do it, gives you an equal footing from the start.

But to be honest I think it would be best to find someone you communicate well with and that you enjoy being with.

In case of a divorce too, you might end up having to still carry on all on your own, give away half everything you have including your pension.
When having your DC, you might also be denied that extra time you would like to stay at home with your little one because of the constant financial pressure on your to keep the boat afloat

Doesnt that already apply to men who earn more than their partners?

@Proteinshakesandovieshat
It does and my advice on being on the same page would be the same to a man.
My reply here was to OP and coming from my own humble experience.

My fiance comes from a background of absolute poverty in a third world country,
I come from a country village in Yorkshire with secondary private education.
No, my fiance does not earn as much as me, no, he has no way near the amount of savings as I do however from his starting point in life he has got SO much further in life than I have!
With the money he has he is so wise and grateful for, his work ethic is astounding and his general attitude to life is a lot more grounded.
Money does make life easier but it does not protect you from life still happening - terminal illness etc.
The most important thing I looked out for when dating was work ethic, not how much money they actually earned

I married someone wealthy, thank goodness
As now divorced and able to live a very comfortable life indeed

OP
friend of mine, back in 2005 was 36, earning xs £350,000 and determined no man would sponge off her and when she had kids he should be able to keep in the manner to which she was accustomed. She dumped a wonderful man who was ‘only’ earning 70k because of this. She is now 50, still single and childless. She is not so fussed at being single but the childless bit stings and she now earns £80k. Still will readily admit she was a complete idiot in her 30’s.

It does and my advice on being on the same page would be the same to a man.

My point being that OP is quite happy for the man to be in the position. Which he would be if she goes part time, takes a long break from work after having kids.

Saying it's ok for the man to be in a position you wouldnt put yourself into, isnt the way a partnership works.