Money and finding a husband. Did you marry someone less well off?

[user20000019]

I really want to get married have kids etc but I’ve never found the right man and I’m wondering if it’s because I am valuing the wrong things? Or maybe not? I don’t know.

I have a good job with good prospects (not earning loads but have spare money). I am attracted to men with ambition, men who are financially secure and most importantly have put down roots, have a house, savings... it is less about the money I suppose and more about the security than money can bring. For instance, a small house is just as ok as a large house but no house at all is a problem.

The issue I seem to have is that although I have dated men with a nice home and roots laid down, they often don’t have a decent job or at least a job that matches mine. Then the men who match my sort of job tend not to have properly settled down or invested in a home.

Obviously I am sure there are men out there who do fit this criteria but it isn’t common and I feel that if I was to go off on maternity for instance, or take longer than maternity periods allow, then my standard of living would drop if I relied on the income of some of these men I have dated. I find that really unattractive in a man. Is that awful? Is this being too picky? Has anyone married someone earning less or generally less well off? Am I being a dick?!

@Sparkles57. That's exactly my point, you should look for someone with your mindset. And I think that having bought your own house, you probably value saving your money at a certain rate.

I didn't mind if my partner earned less or more than me, but I didn't want to be with someone who frittered their money away whilst I was denying myself going out, taking trips, etc to buy my house. Luckily, I found someone who had the same thinkig around money and it means we don't argue over spending.

I have a friend whose husband makes her account for every penny she spends, she hates that, but he gets anxious if he doesn't do it, so they both end up miserable.

Also, I think it's important to be in a position that you can support yourself without a man. I think that gives you equality in a relationship. You're there because you want to be, not because you can't afford to leave.

My same friend that is miserable over her husband's accounting for every penny, she can't leave because she can't support herself. But even more than that, I think she might feel she could get him to pull back a bit on his money stance if he knew she could afford to leave.

It didn't matter to me. DH was totally skint when we got married. Later on he became a SAHF. I loved my work, he hated his. He was my biggest support. I would never have got my business off the ground without his endless encouragement.

He never had much money but he was the sweetest, funniest and sexiest of men. He was utterly committed to me and, later, to the DC.

Money is important but I put love, humour and compatibility far above it. OP instead of looking for a true life partner you sound as if you're shopping for a good bet. That would put me right off if I were a man.

I think if you both really love one another none of this comes into it. Marriage is never plain sailing but with compromises from both sides you can get through anything if the love is there.
We've always been skint, but I wouldn't change him nor him change me for more money. Lifestyle choices are important, you need to be on the same page.
We have never been planners, but two drifters, it works for us as we are the same in this respect, but like chalk and cheese in other respects.

Pft as long as he isnt a full time student, I'm not fussed xD

I've always thought that provided I was earning plenty, there would be no need for him to be doing the same. But I would expect him to be able to hold down a job.

I think as long as you can get by comfortable and pay your bills alone, things like 'maintaining my standard of living' shouldn't be a problem right? I mean, as long as he can pay his own way it doesn't affect it. Of course we all like someone who can treat us from time to time. But I wouldn't necessarily expect him to earn more than me or who did some fancy job.

I think that as long as they are a responsible person, that should be enough to give love a chance.

Money never came into it for us. When we met (online) I was high earning, own home, single mum. He was/is a parcel courier. In the 4 years we have been together (married nearly 1) his earnings have slowly overtaken mine. I was recently made redundant and currently have zero income so DH is supporting us all.

It's not the 1950's!

It is once you have kids.
It's a different world.

Things have changed less than you might imagine.

Also, SkinnyPete is bang on the money. If your partner is doing the main caring, he'll receive a settlement from you as well as child maintenance.

Think carefully how you structure this. In your position, I wouldn't marry and would be very careful about giving up too much of the VISIBLE child caring. You don't want to still be buying clothes, booking doctors, parent teacher evenings, playdates and all the wife-work, but find that he gets residency and child maintenance because he was staying home whilst you worked.

At 35 though are you so focused on this you are going to miss your chance? Personally I'd expect someone at 35 to r able to finance their own maternity and not be looking for a man to do it.

I used to be a decent earner. Worked in IT for largest global manufacturer, company car etc etc etc. Enddd up taking redundancy, doing 2 psychology degrees and I work a pittance working for 2 local grass roots charities, but making a difference in my community.
My other half had the same job, we worked together before our relationship, lost contact for a few years and then got together a while later. Hes still earning the big bucks, I dont. I'd be mortified, and hed have lost out on a good un ha ha, if hed have had the same opinion as you OP.
And I bring a lot to the relationship. Dont write someone off just down to a pay check

I don't think it makes you a dick, anymore than only wanting a partner with certain physical qualities, interests, no kids etc would. Its fine to have non-negotiables. However, it does inevitably reduce your 'pool' and evidently already has. You'll also have to ask yourself if, put bluntly, you're bringing enough to the table to make your list of preferences realistic.

I get what you are saying and what you are looking for.

I actively looked for men that earned roughly equal or more pay then me. Especially those with their own properties. (I’m being honest!) I had a lot of savings but would find it hard to buy on my own. It was important to me to share many values and that included financial values about saving and having a home.

I was 28 when I met DH. If I was 35 and single (I am 35 BTW), I might start to be slightly less picky. Sorry to be frank.

I earn more than dp.

If we were to have a child together, me taking a longer MAT leave would be dependent on US as a couple saving for it.

Dp doesnt earn a massive amount but he saves well.

No way would I say 'we cant have a baby because you dont earn enough for me to take whatever mat leave I want and work part time'.

We would decide who did what based on the best things for OUR family and OUR finances.

I cant imagine looking for partner based on can they afford me to have the MAT leave I may want.

If you really liked a man you would compromise....

Nobody's that good

How about the men who are financially prudent but prioritise other things eg those who work as nurses, teachers because they wish to make a difference to other people? Or those who are not financially motivated but love their job and are good at it?

I am financially more conservative than DH and used to think that he should work more hours to get a high paying job so we could be able to afford the best for our kids. He chose to prioritize work-life balance and be in a job where he can get back home to see the kids every day. I’m very grateful as for us it was the right call - i’m Now joining his sector from my v stressful one!

Also - OP have you considered that men may want some shared parental leave (perhaps you would definitely want the whole year maternity but it might be important to some men)? It is more tax efficient for high earners to do shared parental I think.

I was earning double what DH was when we met and I owned a flat, whereas he was in a house share, renting with friends. His flatmates sister said ‘ he’s a nice guy, but he has zero ambition and never going to earn much.’ It really didn’t matter to me.

He was doing a socially worthy job but was getting frustrated by its limitations anyway, not just in the financial sense , and I think the timing of our relationship was the catalyst for him deciding to think about the future rather than just drifting along.

Long story short - I wasn’t actively looking for a successful man but got one anyway ! We did have conversations about what we wanted from life, though, before we moved in and if those outline plans didn’t match, from both sides, we would both have been a lot more wary.

@ukgift2016

You are not kidding. My brother is one of them.

His criteria.

1. Someone you can have a laugh with
2. Slim
3. Good in bed!

Easily pleased men aren’t they!

Why is wrong with the men you mention with a nice house and roots laid down?

The thing is being picky can lead to wrong choices as no one knows how life will work out. At thirty five if you're looking at men your own age range then it would be rare to find one who had no ex, no kids, etc.

When I met my husband I was twenty, he was twenty three, my earning potential most people would have said was just above min wage. He was in the forces, so not forecast a high earner either.

Thirty years later I'm in the top two percent of earners in the country, him in the top five. No one would have guessed how our lives would have worked out. Not even us.

If both of us had looked for earning power, we'd have by passed each other, and we'd have been wrong.

I taught my daughter if you want money you earn it yourself. And you marry for love. And I'd say the same to you and anyone else op.

Didn't matter to me. I make enough money to meet my own needs/wants, and I'm not interested in being financially dependent on anyone.

DH was a student when we met and only earns a fraction of what I do, but he contributes in other ways.

I will be encouraging my dd to provide for herself financially, and then she can marry whoever she likes.

Well I got to say I found love right under my nose once I stopped trying to find a man who ticked off every box. I decided that I would stop searching for ‘the one’ and just live my life and be happy.

I did just that, and realised who my one true love was, sat next to him at work for six years but he was older, divorced, had a child and was skint from said divorce. No way would I have ever considered a relationship a possibility until I stopped looking for someone.

And yes you could marry, have children, split up and see your children eow. But if you limit yourself to a narrow selection of men you are probably more likely to end up alone.

Marry for love, and don’t compromise on that criteria. Nothing else matters.

Money is obv very important to you, in the same way a proportion of men are fixated on the attractiveness of potential partners.

Only you will have an idea of how far you're willing to compromise (not very would be my guess),.

You value money and status over far more important things.

I'm divorcing a man where we were ok financially, good pension etc. New partner rents a room and is retraining so on a very low income topped up with universal credit.

He is amazing. Treats me like a princess, nothing is too much trouble for him. Absolutely adores me, makes me laugh so much, has really good friends and no one has anything bad to say about him, you can tell they all value him a lot. And he's hot!

I know what I value more.

I hear you. It’s shit dating nice men who earn a quarter or a fifth of what you do. Ultimately I have to give up doing the nice things I enjoy doing or subsidise him - which in my experience, men hate. It just doesn’t work.

Looking at this I can see why there are so many divorces.
None of this stuff matters, jobs, money, what you bring to the table etc.
Do you love each other enough is the only thing you need to know.

I agree OP.

In the same boat although im mid twenties. But I iver achieved and own my own home (with no help from parents), own car amd very good salary in a profession which ive been promoted.

Finding a man in the same position is so frigging rare. I've dated skint men or men with decent jobs but don't earn as much as me or live with their parents. As nice as they were, you could almost gurantee id get no choice to go part time or take extended maternity leave etc. Id be the breadwinner and organiser and childerbearer etc.

Dates were also hard. Id want to go wining and dining and have regular weekends away. But unless i paid for us both it'd be the local pub and wining and dining on 'special occasions'.

I've worked to hard to give up what ive achieved to support any man. I want a provider at best or at least an equal.

I decided not to 'settle' or compromise anymore. I've worked hard at everything else and achieved. So i guessed I'd have to work hard at love too.

Funnily enough after kissing many frogs, ive recently met a man that ticks my boxes. Not only is he funny and kind and liberal (essentials for me). But he also has his own house, car and profession which out earns mine. It may or may not work out. But at least it gives me hope there are these types of men out there.

Also I'd like to add, i dont class this as golddigging at all. I know what I'M bringing to the table. I just want a man that is equal or has more so i won't have to subsidies and we can enjoy a nice lifestyle together.