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Original poster

Money and finding a husband. Did you marry someone less well off?

150 replies

user20000019 · 11/07/2019 16:12

I really want to get married have kids etc but I’ve never found the right man and I’m wondering if it’s because I am valuing the wrong things? Or maybe not? I don’t know.

I have a good job with good prospects (not earning loads but have spare money). I am attracted to men with ambition, men who are financially secure and most importantly have put down roots, have a house, savings... it is less about the money I suppose and more about the security than money can bring. For instance, a small house is just as ok as a large house but no house at all is a problem.

The issue I seem to have is that although I have dated men with a nice home and roots laid down, they often don’t have a decent job or at least a job that matches mine. Then the men who match my sort of job tend not to have properly settled down or invested in a home.

Obviously I am sure there are men out there who do fit this criteria but it isn’t common and I feel that if I was to go off on maternity for instance, or take longer than maternity periods allow, then my standard of living would drop if I relied on the income of some of these men I have dated. I find that really unattractive in a man. Is that awful? Is this being too picky? Has anyone married someone earning less or generally less well off? Am I being a dick?!

OP posts:
PaterPower · 12/07/2019 06:44

Some of the “shock horror” comments earlier about SAHFs and the possible impact on residency and payments after a divorce...

Jesus, welcome to 98% of mens’ shitty expectations of what a divorce looks like. I’d still lay money on a FT working mother (with a SAHF husband) being more likely to get 50:50 shared care from the courts than most Dads do. We’ve not moved on that far.

AlexaShutUp · 12/07/2019 07:24

I just want a man that is equal or has more so i won't have to subsidies and we can enjoy a nice lifestyle together.

I understand the desire to be equal, but how come it's ok for him to have more and not vice versa? Surely that would mean that he'd end up subsidising you? Are you comfortable with that? Would you expect him to be comfortable with that? If so, why wouldn't it be ok if the positions were reversed?

If I had a son, I'd be teaching him to avoid women like you.

NameChangeNugget · 12/07/2019 07:24

You’re doing the right thing OP. Stick to your guns.

Nothing leaves me dryer than a man with no ambition

Indigo2019 · 12/07/2019 07:26

It’s taken me to get to my 50s to work out that I have always attracted men who did not want to work (always wanted to pursue their hobby eg music, sport, buying and selling with unreliable cash in hand Income) while I had a steady career and was the sensible one. I have never been in a relationship with a 9-5 person which really was all I wanted.

With the benefit of hindsight I would definitely choose a professional person with a good income.

I was also bitten in a messy divorce with an unemployed ex who didn’t even want to see the children.

adaline · 12/07/2019 07:28

Ambition doesn't equal earning mega bucks though.

My DH earns less than me. But he's good, kind and honest. He's reliable. He's trustworthy. He looks after me when I'm unwell and is my shoulder to cry on after a bad day.

That's far more important to me than what numbers are on his paycheque. So long as he earns enough to support himself with a little left over, that's fine by me.

Oblomov19 · 12/07/2019 07:35

Many of these posts don't relate to OP.
All the stories of ..... I met Dh when I was 20 and he was penniless, don't apply.

Because OP is 35, which puts everything in a totally different bracket - the men we are talking about should've made financial decisions years ago, about houses and their career.

1/2 of mumsnet earns over £80K apparently!! HmmWink

if you are 35 and worried about having children because you feel you've only got a few years left, then that changes your perspective.

adaline · 12/07/2019 07:41

Not everyone can be a high earner though, and plenty of people can't afford to buy a house without help from a partner or a hefty deposit from family.

Does that mean all low earning men from poor backgrounds deserve to be overlooked?

VictoriaBun · 12/07/2019 07:47

My friend went out of her way to marry someone who had the potential to become rich. His father was a businessman,they lived in a big house, him and his siblings were sent off to a good boarding school. I scoffed at the thought of that and very much married for love. Whilst she admitted she liked not loved hers. Fast forward to now. I'm divorced ( but fairly happy with dp ) she's never worked, her children went to private school, she lives in a big house, has a villa abroad, has loads of other holidays in exotic places and definitely lives a lady that lunches lifestyle .
If I'm being honest , if my daughter decided to do that , I wouldn't talk her out of it.

SkinnyPete · 12/07/2019 07:48

Does that mean all low earning men from poor backgrounds deserve to be overlooked?

No. Just the material risks are much higher, and people should qualify much harder.

adaline · 12/07/2019 07:50

Wow.

What about low earning women? Do they have to qualify much harder too because they're a higher risk?

Oblomov19 · 12/07/2019 07:51

This thread is an eye opener, I tell you!!

It's frightening what people want, their mindset, and what they are advising their children to look out for in a partner!! ShockShock

AlexaShutUp · 12/07/2019 07:52

If I'm being honest , if my daughter decided to do that , I wouldn't talk her out of it.

I would. Life is about more than money and material possessions. I hope that my daughter will have too much self-respect to prostitute herself for the sake of a nice lifestyle. If she decides that money is important to her, then she can earn it herself.

AlexaShutUp · 12/07/2019 07:54

if you are 35 and worried about having children because you feel you've only got a few years left, then that changes your perspective.

All the more reason why women should be taught to provide for themselves so that they don't have to make decisions that are driven by finances.

SeaSidePebbles · 12/07/2019 07:55

There is a reason doctors marry doctors, for example.
OP, I would look for someone in the same field.
I was married to someone who earned much less than me, who could and would not relate to my field.
Am now with someone who understands and can contribute to conversation about my field. Who doesn’t need bailing out on a regular basis, just like I don’t. There is mutual respect and the financial aspect is equal.
HTH.

SkinnyPete · 12/07/2019 07:58

What about low earning women? Do they have to qualify much harder too because they're a higher risk?

Anyone that is of an age where they've built up any savings or high earnings should. Male or female.

Love is blind. Divorce stats speak for themselves. I'm not saying write people off, just be diligent with judgement.

adaline · 12/07/2019 07:58

You shouldn't need to have equal finances to respect your partner - jeez, what a depressing outlook to have!

NannyRed · 12/07/2019 07:58

When looking for a life partner, you need to make sure you are compatible. That you like being with him, that he makes you happy, you trust him, he doesn’t bully or belittle you, you need love. Stop worrying about his assets, when you find the one you can’t live without, his money or lack of will not matter.

My mum would say “you’re putting the cart before the horse”

adaline · 12/07/2019 07:59

Money doesn't save you from divorce though. It doesn't make you happy nor does it make a marriage work.

crumpet · 12/07/2019 08:05

The money thing wasn’t important to me, and I was earning double when we met. What was important was that our life goals were different - I helped him a huge amount in his career, and at the exact moment that his salary equalled mine, he walked. It took quite a while to get over having been used in this way.

EggysMom · 12/07/2019 08:05

I am with (and eventually married) somebody who definitely was not on the same page as me financially - he rented (I owned), he had a NMW job (I had a career), he walked (I drove). Whilst we didn't have the same financial security, the important thing we did have was the same attitude to money - very savvy, looking for offers, devotees of MSE. And I think that was more important, that we knew the other person wouldn't squander what they had.

DH is now SAHD whilst I earn the money!

AlexaShutUp · 12/07/2019 08:08

I agree that having similar life goals and values is important.

ImogenTubbs · 12/07/2019 08:12

I also agree that a shared way of living, similar values, etc is more important. When I met DH he was a backpacker. He then went on to get a reasonable job at which time I earned double what he did. That progressed to a great job and he supported me when I didn't work for a year. Now he has been off work for over a year with an injury and I'm the only on earning until he gets back on his feet. You never know what life will throw at you and being on the same page as to what's important to you and how you cope with adversity is what will get you through the highs and lows, not what someone has on paper which could go up in smoke tomorrow. I'm not saying money doesn't matter - I'm saying it can be a mirage.

2cats2many · 12/07/2019 08:14

My DH was living with his mum when we met! As well as fancying him and all that, I was very attracted to his values and his clear prospects as a good father and husband.

Now we have a nice house and are comfortable enough. However, that's come about because of both our contributions and actions. Not just him.

People's financial circumstances change, especially if they need to up their game because of marriage and children.

edgeofheaven · 12/07/2019 08:17

Earnings don't matter as much, but don't partner with someone who has financial problems. I'm talking debt that they can't pay back, can't control spending, etc. I have a family member who is a very high earner but just isn't good at managing money and has had a lot of financial issues despite a good income. You definitely want to avoid that. But if we're talking about someone with a decent job who lives within their means, if you have shared values and interests you should be open to something with that person.

Untamedtoad · 12/07/2019 08:17

So it is, pretty much, all about the money!?
You cannot build a good relationship solely on the grounds of "financial compatibility". That will not make for a lasting relationship, and divorces are expensive, so probably won't do you any favours long-term. Forget about their financial status, and look for someone who makes you laugh, wants to spend time with you and treats you right. If you're contemplating bringing kids into the equation, a kind, caring and respectful man with empathy and understanding is what you will want. Not someone who just earns alot, and money savvy... You may find yourself quickly seen as the sole child rearer, with little real life support from said partner. On the whole, money doesn't equal happiness. Sure it's nice to have enough to live comfortably, and be able to afford family holidays and not worry about affording the basics, but beyond that, having wild amounts of money to buy new cars, and expensive "crap" will not improve your happiness or your life. Live for love... not for money.