Money and finding a husband. Did you marry someone less well off?

[user20000019]

I really want to get married have kids etc but I’ve never found the right man and I’m wondering if it’s because I am valuing the wrong things? Or maybe not? I don’t know.

I have a good job with good prospects (not earning loads but have spare money). I am attracted to men with ambition, men who are financially secure and most importantly have put down roots, have a house, savings... it is less about the money I suppose and more about the security than money can bring. For instance, a small house is just as ok as a large house but no house at all is a problem.

The issue I seem to have is that although I have dated men with a nice home and roots laid down, they often don’t have a decent job or at least a job that matches mine. Then the men who match my sort of job tend not to have properly settled down or invested in a home.

Obviously I am sure there are men out there who do fit this criteria but it isn’t common and I feel that if I was to go off on maternity for instance, or take longer than maternity periods allow, then my standard of living would drop if I relied on the income of some of these men I have dated. I find that really unattractive in a man. Is that awful? Is this being too picky? Has anyone married someone earning less or generally less well off? Am I being a dick?!

I think it;s fine to prioritise finding someone who financially trustworthy and decent. By this I mean honest, decent, can hold down a job, no debt (or only reasonable debt like student loan, mortgage or sensible car payment).

But I think being too “must have x in assets” or “must earn £y” is a mistake. It’s focussing too much on an outcome (which may not have much to do with the actual person- they may have inherited money for example). It’s better to focus on personality or character, as those are things which are more about the person.

So this means wanting to meet someone with some drive rather than a certain salary, or wanting to meet someone who has is financially prudent rather than has a certain level of assets.

When I met my DH he earned loads less than me. I was a bit of a high flier all those years ago. I had my own flat, he moved in with me. I love(d) him because he is kind and caring. Roll on 25 years, he has worked so hard to support me and DD - he now has a great job, I now don’t have to work (I do work - in a job I enjoy but not well paid) and we are happily married. He is my rock. Choose a partner who loves you, is kind and caring - the rest will work itself out.

I met my first husband when I was extremely young so I really didn’t consider finances or career in the slightest. It was only as our relationship and lives progressed that I realised how different we actually were. I went to uni, became a college tutor, learnt to drive, started to save up a deposit for a home etc. He never took any steps towards doing any of that, he was happy with me driving everywhere and he worked in retail.

Eventually I decided to divorce him and never looked back. We separated over five years ago, he still doesn’t drive and still works in retail. Lucky for him his GF is on the same page as him and my second DH is on the same page as me, too...

I do think it’s important to many people. The last thing you want is someone with zero financial security entering your life leeching off you in some way.

What some posters don’t seem to get is that as a woman, having children DOES impact your earnings. It just does.

So if I’m with someone who earns less, then that is effectively our lifestyle should we have kids. Of course I can go back to work and I would want to...but the impact would be there at some point.

It’s not all about money but when you’re worked hard the last thing you want is to be subsidising someone. If I was on maternity I would expect to me subsidised...because im having their child!! So there is a difference between men and women here sadly and no I’m not after money but yes I like my lifestyle and want the same lifestyle to be provided were I off work giving birth to that man’s child.

Well, either that's something you're willing to rule out otherwise potentially suitable partners for, or it isnt. Nobody here can tell you whether you'd be happier alone, or partnered and having kids but on a reduced income.

Yep you’re right and I expect I will have to compromise.

Can you start saving now to give you the option of funding a maternity leave?

Yes I have done that. The idea that it’s all on me is what I don’t like!

Well as I said, either that's worth ruling someone out for or it isnt.

FWIW, as someone with two maternity leaves behind me, the way I saw it was that I was entitled to the support of my partner and for the funding of the leaves to be a family financial priority. Rather than me being entitled to X amount or a greater percentage of funding from him as a matter of principle. Granted, by the second one, I'd been part time and only got SMP so the majority of the bills were paid from his earnings that time round.

Honestly though, it was our money not mine or his. Same with the small windfall I happened to come into towards the end that funded the last two months unpaid. We were and are a unit. Found that a much simpler way of looking at things.

What some posters don’t seem to get is that as a woman, having children DOES impact your earnings

Well it didn't me. I took four months off, was on full pay and went back to work. It didn't impact my earnings at all. Childcare was a joint expense. Just like any other bill.

I really don't understand the whole "I expect to be subsidised".

Maybe this is why you're thirty five and still single?

Sorry op but I think you sound shallow.

When I met dp, we were both in our 20s and starting out with our careers. 15 years on, and his earning potential has not lived up to what we both hoped. That doesn't make me love him any less. I earn considerably more than him. I don't feel that I'm subsidising him. We're a team.

By the way, contrary to what you said, having a child hasn't impacted my earning potential at all. But I did return to work full time after maternity leave. It would have affected my career progression if I'd done part time.

OP - firstly living together in your house will decrease your cost because unless you have lodgers, he will contribute to bills and mortgage payments which is better than currently.

Your lifestyle WILL dip with children anyway (compared to without) because children cost money - particularly in long-term childcare.
Some large firms offer generous maternity payments for 4 months then reduced by half for another 2. Maternity leave takes 9 months out of your career and if you went back full time it might not have that big an impact.

Would you object to going back full time and him doing pick-ups/drop offs at childcare or being SAHD? Or both working part-time (can share tax burden)?

The idea that it’s all on me is what I don’t like!

But it shouldn't be all on your partner either. You're going to have to compromise a bit here - most men aren't going to be happy with the expectation that you want them to fund your maternity leaves.

It should be joint. Plenty of people can't afford long maternity leaves regardless of income because their lives are built around higher earning levels.

If you both have high incomes you'll probably also have higher living costs and a higher mortgage too - also something to consider when looking at the cost of maternity leave.

Yes, I think a better way of looking at it is that women as a cohort earn less when we have children, on a societal level. That doesnt automatically mean every individual woman is affected.

*Sorry op but I think you sound shallow.

When I met dp, we were both in our 20s and starting out with our careers.*

I just don't understand how your life experience compared to OP gives you the ability to call the OP shallow.

She's 35 and has spent considerable time building her wealth, lifestyle and career prospects. Your damn right I'd be a bit more selective in partnering up in that case.

Mumsnet is full of stories of cocklodgers, financial abusers, lazy CFs and pseudo-conartists, with a lot of these revealing themselves.

^ + well into the relationship.

I do think it is surprising that a poster said I shouldn’t expect to have my maternity leave funded by a man. Why on Earth not? In this scenario I’m having his child? So yes I expect him to be out there earning the money whilst I am carrying his child and pushing a baby out!!

It’s funny how people make sweeping statements on MN. Of course I get why that is, I’ve only posted a snapshot of something I feel passionately about. But to those suggesting I don’t see finances as a team - you are wrong because if I was to marry or have a family with someone I wouldn’t hesitate in sharing all my money. I just want them to be able to bring the same to the table, particularly at a time when I am unable to do that for myself and will inevitably take a financial hit simply by being out of my profession for any time at all. (In terms of halt on progression).

Sure, I'm not sure only wanting to partner with someone earning over a certain amount insulates one from the risk of financial abuse though. And someone who's a hard worker but doesn't have as high an earning capacity isn't a cocklodger.

Ultimately, OP has to decide whether finances are a deal breaker for her or not. I myself wouldn't have ruled out someone for not being able to fund a maternity leave, especially not at 35, but if OP thinks that would make her less happy then potentially staying single, it's the right choice. The really bad idea is to compromise but not accept that you've compromised, blame the other person for being what you knew they were when you chose them. That way lies unhappiness.

There is also, bluntly speaking, the issue of whether OP herself is desirable enough as a partner to be able to attract someone with the income she wants. That's not something MN can tell her.

When you say you want the ML funded by a man, what exactly does this mean and how much would you expect him to contribute?

I do think it is surprising that a poster said I shouldn’t expect to have my maternity leave funded by a man. Why on Earth not? In this scenario I’m having his child? So yes I expect him to be out there earning the money whilst I am carrying his child and pushing a baby out!!

Firstly, you will likely work most of your pregnancy

Secondly the child is both of yours. Pregnancy is something only women can do. But the child isnt a favour you are doing for him. You would be doing because BOTH of you want a child. Yes, its hard physically on the woman. That's just biology.

The mother still has responsibility to provide for that child. You make it sound like pregnancy and childbirth is a business transaction. You arent a surrogate. You should be having a baby, because you both want one. It's not something g you would doing solely for his benefit.

And if money is joint money, then the joint pot should be saved into for things like mat leave.

Women also dont have the automatic right to give work or work part time. He may want you both to work part time, so he can be at home as well. Bringing up children should be a joint effort. If at the time you decide, it's best for you as a family for you to give up work or work part time, that's fair enough. It's not an automatic obligation that the women has to reduce hours r give up work and the man should be grateful and suck up whatever the woman wants.

@user2000001you have a really weird attitude to mat leave.
Most people start saving for it when they are TTC, that’s both of you as a couple. So when the mat leave starts the money is already there.
Only if it is unplanned is it an issue.

But one of you will earn more, that's just the way it is. Even if it's £500 a year. You shouldn't choose a life partner based on what salary they are on. Similar aspirations and goals was my main focus and turns out I earn more than my DH. However, he supported me and encouraged me (non financially) when I was studying so I could earn my current salary.

We are a team. And when it comes to MAT leave, I have been saving to help cover my shortfall and so has he because we are in this together.

You aren't going to find your dream man to start a family with if you're so focussed on money.

There is also, bluntly speaking.

Very blunt, but true. Frequently, a lot of well earning single males that have their shit together, are not looking in the 35+ age bracket for a partner to have kids with. More than likely to find a man in the 40+ bracket that meets the criteria, but possibly not to want to have kids. The pool that ticks the boxes will be a lot smaller.

Maybe OP does need to consider her criteria, take the risks and a compromised lifestyle if kids are that important.

Frankly, I think if you treat having a child in a transactional way something is likely to go awry somewhere.

I.e. I bring at least this amount of resources to the table and I will carry the child and you bring at least those resources to the table and you will fund me whilst I am on maternity leave, and we must both bring an equal amount to the table is a fairly business like transaction model. Which is fine for business.

But human relationships (and having/raising a child with someone is very much in that area of human life) work better when it’s about both people both pretty much giving 100% effort/commitment pretty much all the time. And that’s how something becomes more than the sum of it’s parts.

It’s just the wrong mindset. It’s fine to singly or jointly assess whether you are in the right place to have a child, and resources are a part of that, but that’s a different mindset.

Honestly you're attitude is strange. You're so focused on a man subsidising you having kids, you seem to have forgotten all about love, team work and everything else,

If you ever have a child, then it's both your child not just his. You're both financially responsible.

But the way your mindset is, you're either going to be doing it alone or not having babies. As you're already thirty five and single.

Focus on finding someone you are compatible with, who you share the same values as, who you love being with, and stop focusing on getting a man to pay for you to have babies. Because if you don't, you'll be single forever or be with someone you shouldn't.