Money situation with dp - please help me see the wood for the trees as money issues are triggering for me

[HouseofBronte]

have name changed for this

many years back, post my divorce, I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a con artist. Luckily for me, I spotted it fairly quickly (6 months) but it was a huge huge knock to my self confidence that it took me so long to figure it out. Just for reference, I am a high earning individual and I believe I was targeted because of that.

since then I have been very cautious about the men I go out with and didn't have a relationship for years. I then carefully dipped my toe back in and had a few short relationships with some lovely men and my confidence slowly built up.

roll forward more years till now. my now Dp lives with me and we've been seeing each other for a while. He has always contributed half of everything (despite me earning more) and paid his way. I've never doubted his feelings for me.

Out of the blue, he got fired. This was devastating for him as he's been working since he was 16 (so more than 30 years) and he was totally shocked. He has been trying to find a new job but the market is dreadful. This hit his self confidence and he became depressed. He went to the GP for treatment and slowly but surely has pulled himself out of it.

In the meantime, I have been paying for everything. He has an exw, who I have met, who looks after their dcs. She has a mortgage on a property (owned solely by her) but can only afford this mortgage because dp was paying her child and spousal maintenance. With no job, he hasn't been able to pay anything so she's had to go back to the mortgage provider who has now threatened to take possession if she can't make the payments and in the meantime, hiked up the interest (helpful).

She has met with me and dp and said all she need is X per month (which is half what dp normally pays) while he isn't working and she can make ends meet and not lose the house. I can easily afford X.

In the meantime, dp and i have spoken about running a local business that is up for sale (both of us have been interested in it for a while). For the first year, dp probably wouldn't be able to make much of a living out of it (though it would be marginally profitable) but after that, he would easily make enough to pay his ex the X amount.

so the bottom line is would I be a mug to enable his exw to have the X in the interim? I have no issue other than being worried that I'm being done over given my past history. My other slight concern is that while this is going on I've felt that dp has been almost love bombing me - like being overly loving/talking about marriage etc. Half of me thinks how wonderful but the other half worries that he's being this way just because i am now subsidising his life so it continues (sorry if that sounds brutal). I am just so scarred by this con artist.

(dp and I not married, relationship in a good ish space though obviously the depression/job situation has been putting pressure on it)

What can he sell to cover this month's maintenance? Spiffy bike, gym equipment, anything?

OP I agree with the general consensus that you should not pay his ex or for his DC. Sorry that is between him and his ex - their children are their responsibility. PP or even your DP trying to guilt you with the effect on the children - that is not your responsibility. Their parents risky decisions have put them in this position and they need to resolve it.

I understand its difficult to find work in NMW jobs when you are a professional but if he joined an agency he would be able to get something. How about uber if he has a licence?

The fact he used to pay half is encouraging but don't feel guilty - you have been fully supporting him, so surely it's evened out? The relationship is very short - to go from the beginning to him living with you and considering paying his ex and DC with no potential end date? Too much too soon...

It would be a resounding no from me. He is asking far too much and that is not at all fair on you OP. As PP said, what would he have done if he hadn't got in a relationship with you? He would have had to deal with it on his own.

I wonder if he’s love bombing you because he feels guilty about his situation?

If you'd only been dating a couple of months I could see why you'd be concerned but this is a two year relationship where he's always paid over and above his share. There's nothing to suggest he's a chancer. I would help him with payments to his ex wife but probably set a time limit eg 6 months.

No matter how high an earner you are it's very difficult not to build up resentment when you are financing your partner
Let alone his ex wife and children.
Does he know you are considering it?

Are you the new gf of the ex of the poster who wanted the new gf to pay towards her toddlers £400 birthday party?

It’s not up to you to support his ex. I accept he has a contract now, but whilst looking for something in his field he should be prepared to take any job, so get him to an agency so he is getting some money in

I take it this mortgage and house isn't in joint names between your dp and his ex? If it was my dp and he had a stake in the house which he could stand to lose if th r repayments weren't made then i would pay.
If not then the ex shouldn't have saddled herself with an unmanageable mortgage. I sold my house when I couldn't afford it.

Nooooo don't do it OP! Please be careful?

Giving the ExW money is a terrible idea.
It’s the thin end of the wedge.

Consider...What happens if he doesn’t get a job for 5 years? And you have to keep paying and paying and paying.
when you want to stop you will then be the monster “making children homeless” rather than the saviour who subsidised their lifestyle for 5 sodding years...

Also YY to the poster who mentioned the what would he do if you weren’t there?
Where would he be living? How would he eat?
While I absolutely wouldn’t expect my DP to be going half and half if he lost his job and I would do what you are doing (ie covering basic living costs) I find it mind blowing that despite paying half bills only he doesn’t have significant savings and you are bailing him out...
I am a low “high earner” and have £30k in reserve “just in case”. DP is mid-earner but buys way less and has the same

Don’t be the lifeboat, people come to expect it and it can breed resentment.

As spousal maintenance and child maintenance are directly linked to income and he has.none he should be seeking a variation order to reduce/eliminate this.

You have been with him a very short amount of time.
I would suggest that all money he earns should go into the bills/maintenance. In case he is without work.
The new business, I would really want to know what his past job history was like before I got into business with someone. Has he a tenancy to flit between jobs? In which case self employment is not for him. I would make sure that as you would be putting up all the capital, he would be an employee of the business that could be let go if needed.
How old are his kids?

Bloody hell what's low high earner and mid earner for some People? 30k each in reserve? That's mental money, I'm lucky if I have 300 quid in reserve. Then an appliance gives up or the car needs tyres

Well i think you owe your DP money for his over-payments towards your house, shame you weren't so adamant about him paying proportionally.
Pay him back a % of the total every month and he can pay his ex out of that.

He really isn't sitting around doing nothing, he is trying
If he's insisting on only working in his 'field' then no, he's not trying.
He has kids to support so should be registering with different agencies for different/unskilled jobs and be willing to take anything that pays enough.
He can look for a job in his 'field' whilst working in Tesco or emptying bins!

As for his ex, she needs to downsize/buy somewhere cheaper if she can't survive without his maintenance.
What if your DP drops dead tomorrow? She'd have to rethink her housing situation then wouldn't she?
Or does she think your DP has life insurance/assets etc that will come to her via the dc?

He's lovebombing you either because he feels guilty or because he wants to schmooze you into financing his career change.
Instead of feeling guilty he can do a job he's 'over qualified' for.
As for his career change, you have no idea if he has what it takes to be a successful self employed businessman.
If he's turning his nose up at working in supermarkets/cleaning etc and will only accept temp work in his field - then he's love-bombing you to part with your money.

Say no to paying the ex - it might be the jump start both she and your DP need to get their priorities right.

what about his savings? Surely he's got some after spending 30 years working?

How much is the shortfall each month?

If it was £200 or something I’d hold my nose, offer to cover it for six months on a loan basis to foster a decent relationship with the dc and ex.

Any more, and it’s just not sustainable or fair.

He’s trying to make his problem your problem by dragging you into it.

I’d also be pretty about the mortgage company making all these threats about loosing the home etc. I’ve worked in mortgage arrears and usually providers bend over backwards to come to a temporary arrangement with the borrower, so it’s unlikely there’s an immediate threat to the home.

How long has it been since he was fired?

How does someone with 30 years in the workforce have no savings?

Absolutely not on buying a business. I have never understood the thinking of I'm unemployed and can't pay my bills so I'll buy a business that pays nothing for a year or more. Might as well take the money use it to wipe with and burn it.

Hi ex can make arrangements with the bank telling them she can't make full payments due to hardship. Every bank will do that.

I wonder if you were the bloke if your partners x husband would come to you expecting financial support. Nope! I think once again women have to be the earners and the providers! Using the kids as emotional leverage. The X partner could get a cheaper house maybe? Your dp could work tacking shelves? No everyone else wants to maintain their image at your expense. Wise up!

No.

And I cannot believe they have they asked you. They need to sort out housing their dc between them. Sell up, downsize, rent. These options are not the end of the world and people need to choose between then everyday and the dcs lives are not ruined by moving house.

They really shouldn't be asking a third person to step up and pay for housing their own dc. 2 parents are enough to look after their own offspring.

And the love bombing would completely repulse me at this stage in time. What is he thinking

IMO when one parent loses their job, and has to take a less paid short term contract it’s time for the other parent to look for a better job too. That means not having a part time job. It also means if one is out of work through no fault of their own that both look to bring in the bacon. This things don’t change because you split up.

It’s not your problem and as you have not known each other long do not get into a business venture or support their family financially.

I would however not see children go homeless so if you have the space I would offer the use of it for the children if the mother loses her home. Of course I am sure a lot of women will not want to see them lose residency but if they are genuinely facing an emergency acommodatiob type situation then that seems fair.

This is not your fault they did not take out necessary insurance and have savings. Although people who are divorced rarely have savings.

I wouldn’t end the relationship but watch and see how he sorts this out. If he has been paying half the bills up until now and is working a contract in a difficult industry he is not a feckless dad sat about at home doing nothing. However it may mean he has to retrain, move into a different sector. This may mean less money but sometimes this cannot be helped. The ex wife needs to accept this is life now and this happens to an awful lot of people who have to except and learn to adapt.

My exW couldn’t afford her mortgage if I lost my job and stopped paying the same level of CM. And obviously I’d be in deep shit with my own mortgage payments.

People stretch themselves. They shouldn’t, but they do, particularly if you’ve gone through having rental houses sold from under you, or the rent hiked every time the contract renews.

Both exW and I experienced both of those issues, as have many friends that were renting and it almost forces you into buying, just so you and the DC have some stability. So I see why OP’s ex might have done what she did.

there's no telling how long this situation will last. If it was guaranteed to be short term, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. It's only because I'm concerned about how long it may last that it's concerning me.

You’ve got your answer right here. This is exactly what I would say to them and it’s the sensible thing to do, you can’t be expected to carry on, indefinitely paying for their mortgage and I don’t think they should have even asked you. It’s just not on for you to shoulder that responsibly. (Unless theyre asking for a couple of hundred a month, which I very much doubt).

This is why a clean break is preferred on divorce. If the exw is relying on spousal maintenance (rare these days) to live/pay her mortgage then that is a precarious way to live as no one can predict the future with illness or redundancy etc.

without derailing
@rasberryk
I consider high earner to be £100k+
So “low high earner” is low end of that £100-120k
Mid-earner is £40-60k (on the basis 60k is threshold for child benefit receipt)
I realise that is a lot relative to others but it’s not the point.

The real point here is OP indicated he was making good money, his outgoings were quarter past fuck all yet despite being a grown man with responsibilities he seemingly had no job insurance, no savings, now has no real income and is happy for the OP to subsidise not only him but his ex-wife and child(ren) too, for lord only knows how long
Simply put, this is just not cool...and she is right to have grace reservations about it