Money situation with dp - please help me see the wood for the trees as money issues are triggering for me

[HouseofBronte]

have name changed for this

many years back, post my divorce, I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a con artist. Luckily for me, I spotted it fairly quickly (6 months) but it was a huge huge knock to my self confidence that it took me so long to figure it out. Just for reference, I am a high earning individual and I believe I was targeted because of that.

since then I have been very cautious about the men I go out with and didn't have a relationship for years. I then carefully dipped my toe back in and had a few short relationships with some lovely men and my confidence slowly built up.

roll forward more years till now. my now Dp lives with me and we've been seeing each other for a while. He has always contributed half of everything (despite me earning more) and paid his way. I've never doubted his feelings for me.

Out of the blue, he got fired. This was devastating for him as he's been working since he was 16 (so more than 30 years) and he was totally shocked. He has been trying to find a new job but the market is dreadful. This hit his self confidence and he became depressed. He went to the GP for treatment and slowly but surely has pulled himself out of it.

In the meantime, I have been paying for everything. He has an exw, who I have met, who looks after their dcs. She has a mortgage on a property (owned solely by her) but can only afford this mortgage because dp was paying her child and spousal maintenance. With no job, he hasn't been able to pay anything so she's had to go back to the mortgage provider who has now threatened to take possession if she can't make the payments and in the meantime, hiked up the interest (helpful).

She has met with me and dp and said all she need is X per month (which is half what dp normally pays) while he isn't working and she can make ends meet and not lose the house. I can easily afford X.

In the meantime, dp and i have spoken about running a local business that is up for sale (both of us have been interested in it for a while). For the first year, dp probably wouldn't be able to make much of a living out of it (though it would be marginally profitable) but after that, he would easily make enough to pay his ex the X amount.

so the bottom line is would I be a mug to enable his exw to have the X in the interim? I have no issue other than being worried that I'm being done over given my past history. My other slight concern is that while this is going on I've felt that dp has been almost love bombing me - like being overly loving/talking about marriage etc. Half of me thinks how wonderful but the other half worries that he's being this way just because i am now subsidising his life so it continues (sorry if that sounds brutal). I am just so scarred by this con artist.

(dp and I not married, relationship in a good ish space though obviously the depression/job situation has been putting pressure on it)

I think you are doing the right thing by subsidising him with a home and good while he job hunts. The ex wife is a problem for him and mostly for her. She needs to downsize or get a (better?) job if she can’t afford her home.

As for the new business, sounds like it might be a good idea but make sure you protect yourself as best as possible. If you buy the premises he needs to pay rent out of the earnings etc.

I'd be very wary here - you are currently fully supporting your DP and providing free accommodation, now they want you to support his exW and DC as well, oh and you are thinking of buying him a business as well. He's got it made hasn't he?

I'd be very suspicious that the request by exW for you to look over her finances was just a way of opening up a dialogue to ask for money.

Of course he is being lovely to you, you are the bank that keeps on delivering and never asks for repayment, he is very keen to keep you onside.You should not have to pay to be in a relationship.

I suggest the following:

1. ExW goes to someone like Stepchange and asks them to intercede with the mortgage company who are clearly being ridiculous and are probably in breach of all sorts of codes of behaviour they have signed up to. See if the mortgage can be switched to interest only for a period to lower the costs.

1. DP gets a job, any job, where he is working full time and bringing in real money. It may need to be two jobs and they may not be at the level he expects, but there are jobs out there even if not in his preferred field. Frankly he should want to do this and I'd expect him to have done it already. Sitting on his arse and waiting for a couple of contracts to roll in whilst being looked after by you is not a sustainable position.

1. If there is still a shortfall, and you still want to subsidise them, you make a properly documented loan to them both at a commercial interest rate on which they are jointly and severally liable repayable in either 6 months or a years time. Personally I'd go further and insist they transfer to you in writing anything of significant value they have (such as a car for example) to part cover the loan. Don't forget to vary the car insurance and the costs of that get added to the loan.

It is not unreasonable for you to want to help, but equally it is not unreasonable for you to cover yourself either. You are not a bank and your money is earned by your hard work. This will flush out if they are CF trying to take advantage (if they moan and whinge about this you can be sure they are) or decent people in a temporary hard place.

Spousal support is by its very definition for the ex spouse.

OP is the DC dad’s not very long term girlfriend. Half of the people on MN would quibble whether she’d even be entitled to call herself their stepmother, not that she has.

The roof over those children’s heads is the responsibility of their mum and dad. Mum took on a mortgage she couldn’t really afford. Dad didn’t save for a rainy day and has lost his job. If OP and her DP split up next week the ex would have to find a way to cope wouldn’t she? Likewise if OP couldn’t afford to pay a whole other mortgage - not many people could.

They could have been married a decade and have DC that were half siblings to the DP’s DC and it still wouldn’t make OP at all obligated to pay for the ex’s mortgage.

If DP or his ex had asked for a loan and offered to make it official so OP didn’t lose anything that would have been one thing. But they’ve asked for her money as a gift as if that’s remotely reasonable. Which as you can see, the majority consider a bit daft.

It’s not just child maintenance he has to pay, it’s spousal for the ex wife. That’s rarely awarded these days (15% of divorces) so that might need revisiting anyway if circumstances have changed and they divorced a long time ago.

OP is also supporting the DC by paying for everything they need when they’re in her home unless they eat air and drink rain water.

When did he lose his job OP?

I'm with smurfie that I think the love bombing could well be because he's feeling less "valuable" and equal now he's lost his job, that's probably how I'd react...

But I wouldn't pay his ex. By all means support he business venture if you want to and it's a sound decision, but don't involve yourself in affairs with his ex. Could he do the business venture with you and earn some money doing casual work/supermarket shifts/whatever to pay her something?

it's the love bombing crap that I'm finding the most concerning. Yes it could be genuine but I find it completely disconcerting

Listen to this instinct OP and trust it. I agree with the PP that the meeting with the ex wife was to dangle the idea in front of you that you could pay the shortfall to her. Think seriously about this, would she cover your mortgage costs if you could no longer work?

You are already providing for this man, he has a home, food and the time to be on the job hunt thanks to you, he gets to be picky about what jobs to seek as he has no pressure of being homeless thanks to you, he is eyeing up his own business thanks to you, that is a lot of options for someone not earning their own way with children to support.

I feel sorry for the ex wife. She has been left up shit creek.

Why hasn't he been looking for another job? It could be anything! But he is choosing to live off you. He is partly to blame for his children potentially being homeless.

You have a CF.

How old are the children op?

Its the time scale that would unnerve me the most, within a couple of years he has moved in and you have gone from splitting the costs to you totally supporting him and now he wants you to support his ex wife and kids ?? All in the space of two years
I think any man worth their salt would take ANY job to support his kids over have his relatively new girlfriend do it for him. I also don't buy that she just wanted advice, i think it was all planned to tug on the heart strings. I don't think he is a con man or set out that way but people treat you as badly as they can get away with in general. You pay for the wife and kids and the new business and he now wants to get married to ensure you continue paying till the end of time !! DO NOT PAY FOR THEM. You are setting an unbelievable bad precedent , I wouldn't even do a loan, you are already paying for him, thats enough. You will bitterly regret it as loan agreement or not if you break up you have zero chance of getting the money back and if he doesn't get a job how on earth can you pull the plug

Please do not do this. Your partner and his ex wife Need to adjust this lifestyle - that may involved her living in a cheaper house. That’s life.

Think about what they would have done if he was single? That’s what they should do. Don’t they have any savings?

I do think you are being taken for granted. I am an ex wife and I would never allow my ex’s partner to pay for my lifestyle. They are bing very cheeky - he needs to work and she needs to adjust. It should not be your issue.

How many more years of spousal is there to go? Also if the children are still young you could be supporting them all for years to come.

The other way round there would be accusations of abuse (clearly it isn't), so he's been contributing more than necessary

WTAF. No there wouldn't. And no he hasn't. It's absolutely right he pays his way, as it would be if the genders were reversed. He doesn't get a free ride because she's a higher earner, and a woman shouldn't get one either, give your head a wobble.

And she's currently supporting him through unemployment. And now him and the ex are working together to get her to support the ex and his kids too.

He needs to get a job, any job, and step up. Stop sponging off her and encouraging his ex to do the same.

If he was in a high enough paying job that warranted spousal maintenance even though ex was working FT as well as cm then why does he not have any savings to cover his own expenses or these costs when he has recently lost a job he was in for under 2 years.

I suspect they are tag teaming you OP. It wasn't merely a meeting with ex to ask your advice. It was a meeting to guilt trip you into paying.

Still no explanation as to how a mortgage company can just raise their interest rate because they want to?

It sounds like he was pulling his weight, so I would probably pay the ex wife for now. But I can understand why you are wary.

Perhaps DP is love bombing because he is aware of what happened before and wants to assure you he is not like that? But I can see how that would be annoying!

I wouldn't pay anything. I think he should be going for whatever job he can in whatever area he can. She has a nerve asking you for money. Doesn't she work?

Don't hand over any cash. There are other ways your DP could help her... extra childcare, having the children over for more meals (I appreciate this would mean you'd probably fund them).

It's his responsibility to pay his exW so he's needs to take on ANY job to do so. He should also be considering how he's going to contribute to your household.

I'd be very wary of this. If you feel you want to proceed then a loan, properly drawn up and documented, with firm terms on when he needs to pay it back by.

I think your DP needs to do any type of work to bring in some money, even it it is only a pittance.

My DH was made redundant about 10 years ago, we were recently married (second marriage) and had just bought a house. It was a nightmare time.

He did absolutely everything he could to bring in money, car boot sales, washing up in restaurants, some taxi work, just anything he could do. This meant he still paid some maintenance to his ex. Thankfully this is far behind us but I respect him so much for the effort he put in.

I think he should be taking any job.
He should have been saving for this possibility.
As you earn so much more was 50/50 fair? I think a proportion of earnings in fair in most situations.
His X needs to earn more, even if it means a second job.
I don't think you should be paying X but if you could help with school uniforms or club subscriptions that would be kind.
If he is interested in a business it needs to earn enough for him to afford to support his children or its a no go.

BillMasen presumably the partner is not paying towards the mortgage/rent as he’s moved in with OP into her property. All other bills are always recommended to be split in half on here and I’d do recommend so in RL as both occupants are using the gas, electricity, water & food etc equally.

I wouldn’t pay either. What would your partner do if you weren’t on the scene? Does he have absolutely no money at all? No job seekers or anything?

In his situation he should be looking for any job to tide him over whilst he carry’s on looking for something in his field. So pub work, sales person, cleaner anything. He has children to support.

You wouldn’t expect anyone else to pay for my children.

If the ex wife can’t afford the house on her own, she might need to look at downsizing.

I wouldn’t start a business with your partner either, he can’t afford to buy it if he can’t afford to pay child maintenance.

Bluntness I look forward to seeing you on the next thread where a lower earning woman is being asked to pay half, and telling her she should...

• you have been together 2 years
• your instinct is warning you as you refer to the way he is acting as love bombing
• he was in work for less than 2 years previously so not entitled to a pay off
• the only plan he has is for a business that won't make money for at least a year.

Simply, why are you getting involved in this? A healthy man earning his own money given he has no childcare responsibilities is not too much to ask.

Assume you are UK based, where approx?
There are many industries crying out for work..what amount of money a month does he need to earn to give his children support?

The ex shouldn't have taken on a mortgage she couldn't afford on a full time wage, no-one should depend on someone else to meet their financial needs because they're vulnerable to things like this happening.

Do neither of them have family they could ask to help out?

There is no way I would do this, I'm not a high earner at all but I pay my own way.