Money situation with dp - please help me see the wood for the trees as money issues are triggering for me

[HouseofBronte]

have name changed for this

many years back, post my divorce, I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a con artist. Luckily for me, I spotted it fairly quickly (6 months) but it was a huge huge knock to my self confidence that it took me so long to figure it out. Just for reference, I am a high earning individual and I believe I was targeted because of that.

since then I have been very cautious about the men I go out with and didn't have a relationship for years. I then carefully dipped my toe back in and had a few short relationships with some lovely men and my confidence slowly built up.

roll forward more years till now. my now Dp lives with me and we've been seeing each other for a while. He has always contributed half of everything (despite me earning more) and paid his way. I've never doubted his feelings for me.

Out of the blue, he got fired. This was devastating for him as he's been working since he was 16 (so more than 30 years) and he was totally shocked. He has been trying to find a new job but the market is dreadful. This hit his self confidence and he became depressed. He went to the GP for treatment and slowly but surely has pulled himself out of it.

In the meantime, I have been paying for everything. He has an exw, who I have met, who looks after their dcs. She has a mortgage on a property (owned solely by her) but can only afford this mortgage because dp was paying her child and spousal maintenance. With no job, he hasn't been able to pay anything so she's had to go back to the mortgage provider who has now threatened to take possession if she can't make the payments and in the meantime, hiked up the interest (helpful).

She has met with me and dp and said all she need is X per month (which is half what dp normally pays) while he isn't working and she can make ends meet and not lose the house. I can easily afford X.

In the meantime, dp and i have spoken about running a local business that is up for sale (both of us have been interested in it for a while). For the first year, dp probably wouldn't be able to make much of a living out of it (though it would be marginally profitable) but after that, he would easily make enough to pay his ex the X amount.

so the bottom line is would I be a mug to enable his exw to have the X in the interim? I have no issue other than being worried that I'm being done over given my past history. My other slight concern is that while this is going on I've felt that dp has been almost love bombing me - like being overly loving/talking about marriage etc. Half of me thinks how wonderful but the other half worries that he's being this way just because i am now subsidising his life so it continues (sorry if that sounds brutal). I am just so scarred by this con artist.

(dp and I not married, relationship in a good ish space though obviously the depression/job situation has been putting pressure on it)

It sounds like they're both indirectly putting pressure on you to take responsibility here whether they're doing it on purpose or not I'm not sure. It should be your DP on a forum asking for help how to support his family, not you. If you couldn't afford it, what would your DP be doing - I'm guessing he would have found a way to sort this situation himself. You sound like a lovely person wanting to help but maybe take a step back. His ex should be looking at selling the house and buying something smaller, or renting it out to pay the mortgage and renting somewhere else herself. Your DP needs to get any job - where is his pride? This is a red flag to me, expecting someone he's only known a few years to support his other family, who would do this? Don't feel guilty this is not your problem to sort they are both adults and should be looking out for their own children

If you decide to let his EW have some money ,make clear it is for a short term period only .(Why has she got such a large mortgage?)It sounds as though she is with a dodgy lender TBH. The problem here, is that how long do you do this for?If in 6 months time she is still in the same situation ,you will have to go through all this again .I would most certainly think very carefully, before going into any sort of business with him Im afraid .I would also treat this "lovebombing" with a pinch of salt .The facts are if you marry him, he will be entitled to a large share of your assets!.Therefore its a win win for him and a lose lose for you!. Your intuition is warning you to be careful .You are in a good position ATM and have worked hard for it .Maybe Im an old cynic but many women have their fingers burnt ,by being financially able to help their BF only to end up cleaned out and broken hearted to boot!

I'd add as well that if you went ahead with buying the business you're looking at subsidising him & his ex for around the next 18 - 24 months. Will he want you to pay him wages during this time, or to just pay his way for everything? If your relationship is only registering as "goodish" for you at this early stage, what might it be like over the next 18 - 24 months?
It's common for a young couple to struggle financially in the early years, but he's a 46 year old who should have firmer foundations by now than he seems to have. You've a lot to lose but very little to gain, it seems to me.

If he needs to pay his ex spousal and child maintenance, going into business with you is not going to give him a wage straight away so how would he support them then?

I don't think so BillMasen because the proposal is not just to keep the payments in place but that a third party should pay them out of the goodness of her heart. And that when she is already fully supporting one of the parties. No, bollocks to that.

Let them (a) work and (b) take out a loan or downsize. It won't kill them. Since my divorce I have both downsized and gone back into a profession I hate, but which is lucrative. When my youngest DC goes to uni I will be downsizing again.

You suggested reversing the sexes: so you are in a relationship with a woman you are fully supporting and her exH with whom the DC live, asks you to pay not only their CM but also his spousal maintenance. Yeah I bet you'd be rushing to do that!

Sorry if I've missed it -

Why is he paying spousal support?

Is any of this court-ordered?

Firstly the people suggesting the OP's partner should just get 'any job' isn't actually realistic. My ex went through a couple of periods of unemployment (through redundancy) and you would be surprised at the number of low paid employers/jobs who do not want to take on professional people. Getting a job is bloody hard so I think this is unfair and unrealistic.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be comfortable paying my DPs ex maintenance at all as this is solely his responsibility. However, if you are in a committed relationship with someone, aren't you supposed to be there to help and support each other?
That said, if the OP decides to help out - I would be very clear it is in the short term and only for 'x' number of months, after which the ex will have to look at alternative ways of paying the mortgage. I would also be clear that money should be paid back when he gets a job.
I think the fact the OPs partner lost his job through no fault of his own, and has shown he pays his way has to count for something here. I may be in a minority with this view.

Can see why you're uncomfortable OP

OP, say no. His children and ex wife are not your responsibility. I wonder how he will respond to this. I’d also be telling him he needs to sign up with recruitment agencies and take any job which will pay.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

1. Her house... Her problem. Doesnt matter if your BFF don't pay it or for him. His kids his issues end of the day. She will have to go without until he gets another job. Let them take possession its not your job or responsibility.

Do not pay for anything. Please don't be a mug. This is their problem.

What sector is so bad that there is no work? At all? How long has this been going on for?

He can work if he wants, by being open to work outside of his field in the short term, then getting back into what he was specialising in later, in your shoes I would forget the business idea, I would agree to pay x amount to the ex on the basis that it’s a loan to DP. His DC are innocent, they don’t deserve to lose their home. Then get your DP out to work, if he doesn’t then payments to ex stop.

I would be inclined to help her, but it should be a loan rather than gift which your dp can repay to you once he's working, it's nobody's fault the job market is poor. I'm struggling to get full time work, it's tough. But there's work available, perhaps he needs to take fast food shifts, anything to help his kids even if he pays you nothing.

I agree that it is difficult to get ‘any old job’ if you are a professional person especially if you have no experience. That is where recruitment agencies can help.

OP, you now have 100+ replies telling you her finances are not your responsibility, and warning you off giving her any money. Even if it's "a loan", I'd wager that the likelihood of you ever seeing it again is slim. Your decision is only yours to make, but please don't feel unreasonable for saying no... Just look at the general consensus here!

sorry have been busy today so haven't been able to come back to this

just to quickly outline - he is doing some work - but it's contract work, in his field and a lot of it is short term work with no guarantee of where the next one will come. And because of not being on a payroll and having to invoice people, the payments are lumpy. This isn't enough (given the months he's not been working) to meet all his outgoings but it is something. He really isn't sitting around doing nothing, he is trying. It's not as simple as 'going to tescos to get a job'. I also don't know which parts of the country you're in but in London, in the city, in financial services, it is utterly and completely dire and though he isn't in finance, his job is related to this. So many of our friends have recently and brutally lost their jobs and there are a hell of a lot of people out of work. I know the statistics that are being released show that there are a record number of people in work but in our experience, we have a record number of friends out of work at the moment.

Re his ex, I genuinely don't think this is an attempt for the two of them to do me over. Though I am obviously an easy way out and I'm cognisant of this fact. I'm also cognisant of the fact that she has been foolish as she's taken on a mortgage way too big for her (I did think what the hell would she have done in 7 years when the youngest turns 18 - but I think she was bargaining on selling the house and downsizing making a profit or having another dp by then who would contribute. But hell those are gambles I wouldn't have taken).

Bill is right on one score and that is that he did pay over and above the amount he would have contributed to our household bills had we split everything on earnings. In fact, he probably paid twice as much as he should have done. This was at his insistence.

I want to thank you all for commenting as it's given me food for thought.

I agree the exw needs to review how on earth she survives with that mortgage. But I'm not going to get involved in that.

OP - the intent at this stage might be wholly honorable....it probably is. However, money and debt in particular changes people...you know that better than anyone from hard experience. Don't become embroiled in the financial complexities of this couples past...you mustn't. I cannot see any good in it whatsoever for you. It places pressure unnaturally on your relationship (you already speak of love bombing). If the love is true and real, it shouldn't need to reach into your purse for a bail out at all.

If the job market is as brutal as you say and he can't/won't get a job say in Tescos you won't be funding them short term, it will be indefinitely (as there is no realistic hope he will be able to contribute in any meaningful way anytime soon and she simply cannot afford the house without his contribution. This could go on for years

What would they do if you were not in the picture. This is a relatively short relationship and I think you are being incredibly nice and generous to fund him- even thinking of his ex wife and kids too is simply a step too far.
The biggest issue for me would be his willingness for you to step in and fund his ex wife and kids. Really really not a good sign
If you do this you will regret it bitterly. You sound so nice but in my experience (personal) you get taken complete advantage of, people just can't help themselves even if they are good people generally.

But it really is as simple as 'going to Tesco to get a job'. I, and I'm sure plenty of others on here, have done it in times of absolute, desperate need. I am a well-paid professional who has worked NMW jobs, second jobs, cash in hand, rented out third bedroom, sold possessions, all in recent times to support myself and my children and keep a roof over our heads. Over my dead body would I be asking my ex, his new partner or anyone else for money to sub my lifestyle.

Listen to your intuition!!

no I do agree, there's no telling how long this situation will last. If it was guaranteed to be short term, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. It's only because I'm concerned about how long it may last that it's concerning me.

Guess love bombing can come out from his own current insecurities. He has a lot on his mind, it is not easy for a man to be his his position. He is probably afraid to lose you, to lose your relationship. Doubt it is financial side.

I agree with the others not to get involved in paying X amount. It is their responsibility. And you are right ex wife took a risk on the mortgage and she needs to learn and adjust her living costs accordingly. Sometimes risks pay off, sometimes they do not.
Hope your DP finds a job soon and you will put it all behind you.

He can walk into any temp agency and get money this week to pay for his DC and he absolutely should be doing that. I have no truck for any person who fails to support their children.

Is he asking you to do this though? What has he actually said ? Have your offered or put it out there as something to think about ? Or has he let it be known that he would be happy if you did ?

I would personally just say you wouldn't be comfortable doing this. it will be interesting to see is reaction to this, certainly as time goes on.

His ex needs to get some advice about her house.She cant do anything until thats sorted anyway.But no way would i be paying that,thats way too much.

How much are we talking?

No way would I give a penny towards the ex wife. No way.

She sounds reasonable and is obviously not expecting anything from you.

If he needs a loan to tide him over until he gets paid then he can do that.

It would be a huge mistake for you to take on his expenses with regards to his family. You are being very supportive already.

Good luck.