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Original poster

Money situation with dp - please help me see the wood for the trees as money issues are triggering for me

154 replies

HouseofBronte · 11/07/2019 08:43

have name changed for this

many years back, post my divorce, I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be a con artist. Luckily for me, I spotted it fairly quickly (6 months) but it was a huge huge knock to my self confidence that it took me so long to figure it out. Just for reference, I am a high earning individual and I believe I was targeted because of that.

since then I have been very cautious about the men I go out with and didn't have a relationship for years. I then carefully dipped my toe back in and had a few short relationships with some lovely men and my confidence slowly built up.

roll forward more years till now. my now Dp lives with me and we've been seeing each other for a while. He has always contributed half of everything (despite me earning more) and paid his way. I've never doubted his feelings for me.

Out of the blue, he got fired. This was devastating for him as he's been working since he was 16 (so more than 30 years) and he was totally shocked. He has been trying to find a new job but the market is dreadful. This hit his self confidence and he became depressed. He went to the GP for treatment and slowly but surely has pulled himself out of it.

In the meantime, I have been paying for everything. He has an exw, who I have met, who looks after their dcs. She has a mortgage on a property (owned solely by her) but can only afford this mortgage because dp was paying her child and spousal maintenance. With no job, he hasn't been able to pay anything so she's had to go back to the mortgage provider who has now threatened to take possession if she can't make the payments and in the meantime, hiked up the interest (helpful).

She has met with me and dp and said all she need is X per month (which is half what dp normally pays) while he isn't working and she can make ends meet and not lose the house. I can easily afford X.

In the meantime, dp and i have spoken about running a local business that is up for sale (both of us have been interested in it for a while). For the first year, dp probably wouldn't be able to make much of a living out of it (though it would be marginally profitable) but after that, he would easily make enough to pay his ex the X amount.

so the bottom line is would I be a mug to enable his exw to have the X in the interim? I have no issue other than being worried that I'm being done over given my past history. My other slight concern is that while this is going on I've felt that dp has been almost love bombing me - like being overly loving/talking about marriage etc. Half of me thinks how wonderful but the other half worries that he's being this way just because i am now subsidising his life so it continues (sorry if that sounds brutal). I am just so scarred by this con artist.

(dp and I not married, relationship in a good ish space though obviously the depression/job situation has been putting pressure on it)

OP posts:
OKBobble · 11/07/2019 09:25

I am.unsure as to on what basis the exW'a mortgage company are able to hike up the interest rate. Surely there is a contractual mortgage rate.

I would not get into paying maintenance for his children to his exW especially if he is being more loving than normal. You need to ask why was he unable to be as loving before.

He needs to be getting a bar job or restaurant job or anything to get an income while lookimg for work in his field around his shifts. Or he can look after his kids while exW gets work in the interim until he sorts himself out. But the kids are their responsibility not yours.

As per a PP if you go down that route of paying draw up a proper loan agreement detailing payments back to you, interest and date by which it should be repaid and also if nonpayment occurs the full amount becomes repayable.immediately etc

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 09:25

She actually asked for your money, she a gift rather than a loan? Of course you don’t pay her mortgage for her, that’s blindingly cheeky of her and him! He shouldn’t have even passed on the request. You’re not married, haven’t been together that long, you’re paying for his entire life right now. And even if none of that was the case the ex is nothing to do with you. Madness. You have to say no. Is she working ft? The DC have two parents who are responsible for their upkeep, they need to work it out between them without relying on you.

WitsEnding · 11/07/2019 09:27

I wouldn't finance his ex or the business. He should be temping until he finds a more permanent job, the longer he is at home the more difficult it will be.
If he had been with his most recent employer less than 2 years and the market for his role is poor, I'm not sure why having to find a new post comes as such a shock.

piethagoras · 11/07/2019 09:27

It's not always just about the money. I'm in a similar position, earning much more than I need. So I can make lifestyle choices. You are free to do the same. Any half-decent lawyer will be able to limit your ongoing liabilities if it's all done through a new business venture.

Original poster
HouseofBronte · 11/07/2019 09:28

yes so did my exh allornothing. My exh in fact deliberately 'lost' his job through the divorce so that at the time the money was totted up, he was earning zero, so I had to pay him a fortune. I was furious but there was nothing I could do.

I'm v wary believe me but it's tough as up till he lost his job, he was contributing. I think the best way forward is to agree on a time period, do it as a loan (so when he does get paid, he pays me back) and then reassess after that time period.

Tbh it's the love bombing crap that I'm finding the most concerning. Yes it could be genuine but I find it completely disconcerting.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 11/07/2019 09:29

If this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with then I would help. I wouldn't see his children out on the street.

But I'd only help if he was also trying to help himself and not take the piss. Only you will know which it is.

boringlyboring · 11/07/2019 09:30

Does the ex work and pay for childcare? Can your dp have the kids more to save on childcare while she ups the hours until he’s back in work?

CodenameVillanelle · 11/07/2019 09:31

So he'd been in his previous role for less than 2 years? Did he have a solid history before that - or does he flit from job to job? Has he had periods of unemployment before?
He should be taking absolutely any work he can find whilst looking for permanent jobs in his field. I don't buy the idea that he can't find any work. There is no way you should be not only subsiding him but also his kids. No way.

CodenameVillanelle · 11/07/2019 09:32

And definitely don't marry him

Original poster
HouseofBronte · 11/07/2019 09:33

his exw does work FT. That part of it (her meeting me etc.) I am really not concerned about. She came to ask my advice - I've known her for a while now (as obviously I see their dcs when they come to us). I don't want to slag her off in any way as that's not fair. She's in a tough position where her mortgage company are being ridiculous and her exp has suddenly stopped paying her money. As much as it isn't my problem, I have no issue with her coming to speak to me. She didn't ask for the money at all in the way it may have been portrayed but just talked me through her financial situation to see if there was anything she might have missed. She fully expects dp to pay her not me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/07/2019 09:33

I'd be a bit worried about this. I strongly suspect he was complicit in getting his ex to want to meet you and isn't being honest about that. He likely suggested it to her and they both agreed to ask uou for the money. And he's love bombing you because he needs your money.

It's a difficult one. But I think you have some big red flags here.

Mycatatetherat · 11/07/2019 09:36

Why on earth can't he get casual work in Tesco and she find a way to up her income...like the rest of us do?!

This is absolutely not your problem. Tell them both to sort themselves out. I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

rumred · 11/07/2019 09:39

If your relationship is solid and you're happy why not loan the money with a written agreement? He needs to step up and get whatever work he can- cut lawns, walk dogs, clean etc.
As long as you've a signed agreement I would think you're safe

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 09:40

She fully expects dp to pay her not me.

Has he told her he’s thinking of starting a business which initially won’t make money instead of getting a ft job? Or is he planning to have both?

It doesn’t sound like she can keep the house if she can’t up her income herself and he’s not earning and doesn’t know when he will be. What would she have done if he’d fallen ill and been signed off sick and not had a high earning girlfriend?

Mycatatetherat · 11/07/2019 09:41

What happens to spousal maintenance in situations like these? Surely it can't be expected to continue. This needs to be a wake up call to her that she should look into selling and taking on a mortgage she can afford herself. That is only sensible. What if he died?

BillMasen · 11/07/2019 09:41

Repeatedly on here people are told that they should contribute in proportion to earnings. Your partner has been paying half despite you earning more. The other way round there would be accusations of abuse (clearly it isn't), so he's been contributing more than necessary.

Now he needs a bit of help. As someone else said, if this is a long term thing you should help. If not, well, fair enough but that'd be the end of the relationship for me

Indigo2019 · 11/07/2019 09:41

A loan could work but what if he never works again? What if his depression gets worse? What if he doesn’t earn enough to pay his ex wife and pay you back?

Smurfie12 · 11/07/2019 09:41

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that maybe the reason he is love bombing you, is he is feeling really crap about himself and he thinks rightly or wrongly that you are going to ditch him for not earning and being able to pay his way. Losing your job is difficult at any age but having the added pressure of an exw and kids depending on him for their home would put anyone to the point of losing it.

I would if it were me and you can afford to pay the exw the maintenance that she needs to keep the roof over her and the kids heads pay it, the business sounds like a great idea and will give your dp his independence back and allow him in time to repay you for your help at a very difficult time.

This obviously all depends on how you feel about him, and if you think you can see yourself growing old together, then if it were me I would do everything I could to help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 09:50

Not true BillMasen when they’ve only been together a couple of years, aren’t married and don’t share children.

She IS helping him out. She’s paying for their whole life now he’s not earning. Paying for his ex wife’s house isn’t helping him out it’s helping another unconnected person out. Not OP’s responsibility. And if her DP doesn’t like it and wants to break up with her, then she’ll be way better off by not having to fund him and he and his ex can remember OP isn’t their cash cow and they’re each responsible for themselves and jointly responsible for their offspring. No one else. Just them.

dustarr73 · 11/07/2019 09:52

Plus the ex has a mortgage that she herself cant pay.Why did she do this.She hasnt given herself breathing space for anything unexpected to happen.[which has happened now]/

It reads to me,he went to her with the sole purpose of getting you to pay.

Maybe the ex is living beyond her means and maybe they should look at that first.And sell the house,buy one that she can actually afford them mortgage on

Mycatatetherat · 11/07/2019 09:56

Also....I don't think it's past issues that are triggering you, I think it's your intuition. Listen to it.

BillMasen · 11/07/2019 09:59

Rubbish Anne
Always on here people are told not to move in unless they only pay proportionally, anything else is unfair. In this case they live together so he should not have been paying half.

Yes he has a responsibility to support his kids. He's struggling to do that at the moment so if they are a partnership she should help. If they're not, fine...

BillMasen · 11/07/2019 10:01

And Anne, can you imagine the outcry if someone said their exes partner described their kids as "unconnected people". I take it you agree the money is to support the kids not the ex? And the kids are definitely not unconnected...

thethoughtfox · 11/07/2019 10:02

Trust your instinct: he needs you to pay for him and his whole family. That's why he is lovebombing you. Protect yourself and your assets. What if you become ill and cannot work in the future?

DramaRamaLlama · 11/07/2019 10:04

He's got children to support and needs to get a job.

I find it very hard to believe that a fit healthy man in his 40s with no caring responsibilities can't find any work.

Sure he might not be able to pick up lucrative contracts in the field he used to work, but causal work is available pretty readily if you're prepared to work for it.