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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband of 25 years gay...

83 replies

Corinthian44 · 10/07/2019 17:16

I'm going through a divorce, I asked him a few months ago when we decided to split if he was gay because it would explain his behaviour and I would feel better, but he said he wasn't.
I found out 2 weeks ago he is, so I sent him a 5 page letter expressing how I feel especially as he took 50% of my inheritance as part of the settlement.
I am very angry and bitter but also feel ridiculous that people will laugh about my stupidity.
Don't know where to turn for support.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 10/07/2019 17:31

I'm so sorry Corinthian Ten years ago I was where you are today. Ignore anyone who dares to laugh at you. You ARE NOT STUPID. In your situation I recommend this website for support and advice: straightpartnersanonymous.com/about/

You say you are just going through your divorce?
You cannot divorce him for same sex adultery, unbelievably. Irretrievable breakdown is the only option if he agrees. You can get your Nisi after 2 years separation if he doesn't agree to the divorce.

BUT DO NOT APPLY FOR ABSOLUTE until you and your solicitor are satisfied that the Consent Order is a fair one. The Consent Order
is where all the financial arrangements (and child arrangement etc) are agreed by the Court.

DM me if I can help. You will get through this, I promise Flowers

RushianDisney · 10/07/2019 17:33

I'm no help with things like this I'm afraid OP, all I can offer is sympathy and a massive fuck him Flowers

TheGrapefulDread · 10/07/2019 17:45

I wouldn’t laugh, many people wouldn’t, anyone who would isn’t worth your time or consideration. Gin Flowers Do you have a SHL ?

Herocomplex · 10/07/2019 17:51

It’s not ridiculous, I know people it’s happened to. I hope no one is laughing, that would be outrageous. Some gay people can’t admit it to themselves, or lead double lives. Whatever the story is I’m really sorry, it’s a terrible situation.

PicsInRed · 10/07/2019 17:55

Are the finances finalised?
If not, can you renegotiate the settlement?

Orbison · 10/07/2019 17:55

I'm so sorry you're going through this, op.
You're not stupid and anyone who says differently
isn't worth your time.
Keep going forwards one step at a time - head high at all times.
You'll find there's some great support on here.
For you: Flowers

readitandwept · 10/07/2019 17:59

Anyone laughing at that situation is 100% not someone to give a shit about.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 10/07/2019 18:00

I was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be gay, admittedly it was only 5 years so not the level of pain you are experiencing and we weren't married.
Nobody will laugh. Although if I told you the 'signs 'that I
chose to ignore you would be GrinConfused
Big Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

MMmomDD · 10/07/2019 18:02

OP - I am sorry about the divorce.
If you haven’t yet finalised financial arrangements - push your solicitor again as inheritance can be protected in some cases.

Him being gay - or at least bi- doesn’t have anything to do with financial settlement. Would it have been better if he took 50% while having fallen out of love?
And no one would judge you for something you have no control over.

One day at a time and then it will slowly start getting better!!!

BedraggledBlitz · 10/07/2019 18:02

Sorry that must have been a shock for you. I wouldn't laugh at you, noone with any empathy would.

I don't fully understand the part about the 50/50 inheritance, does it mean you wouldn't have agreed to that if you had known he is gay? Presumably you just wanted to get the divorce through?

Original poster
Corinthian44 · 10/07/2019 18:17

We had a legal agreement which went through before the consent order is done because he wanted peace of mind he's have the family home (yes we owned two houses) I am also bitter because I am older and had money from 3 previous homes, he brought nothing and was very passionate just what he would get. I feel like I have been done over by him in more ways than one.
Divorce based on his unreasonable behaviour mainly anger issues which are clear as he had so much supression, he comes from a religious family so our family unit looked good.

OP posts:
Helix1244 · 10/07/2019 18:32

I wouldnt laugh at you i would be pissed off with him for being so dishonest.

31RueCambon · 10/07/2019 18:37

I don't blame you for being sad about losing half of your inheritance to a man who pretended he was straight. You're probably feeling only he knew it was a sham but he still walks away with half of your inheritance and that's real.

I had a bf once who turned out to be gay so my heart goes out to you. It's so confusing. I hope that you can be a little less shocked by this every day. One day at a time is good advice.

Original poster
Corinthian44 · 10/07/2019 18:38

I think it's the lies that bothered me, the living a complete lie and especially as I asked him outright, he also said he didn't think I'd give him the house and I said you have my word he had the cheek to say, yes you gave me that 25 years ago and where did that get us.....whilst all along knowing. I think all his birthdays came when I said I wanted us to split up.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 10/07/2019 18:40

Do you have a solicitor?
This settlement doesn't sound fair to you at all.

Original poster
Corinthian44 · 10/07/2019 18:43

It was done via online solicitor...almost at decree nisi stage but as I said legal agreement is done which is the same as the consent order.
I'd really like his family and friends to know, obviously wouldn't out him but he's playing the injured party here.

OP posts:
iluvnettletea · 10/07/2019 18:46

25 years is a huge investment. I am so sorry.
Take a look at www.straightspouse.org

SusieSusieSoo · 10/07/2019 23:14

OP I would spend a bit of cash & see a specialist solicitor because it might not be too late to try & get a better deal on the finances xx

SusieOwl4 · 10/07/2019 23:19

On line solicitor where there is so much at stake ? Not sure that’s a good move? Sorry about your situation . It sounds an awful position to be in.

notapizzaeater · 10/07/2019 23:23

You needed a solicitor with teeth, I'd check in case it's not too late

Northernparent68 · 10/07/2019 23:39

Do you have children ? How are they coping

PicsInRed · 11/07/2019 07:13

Go and see a good solicitor - one with a door -before that consent order goes through.

Don't just stand back and let this happen to you.

sunshinesupermum · 11/07/2019 15:55

Corinthian Please please don't proceed with an online divorce. This situation needs a solicitor with teeth. I've never heard of a 'legal agreement' being the same as a Consent Order which has to be approved by the Court so that all parties are treated fairly. You are not being treated fairly.

'Parties are not required to use lawyers to enter into Consent Orders, although it is prudent to do. ... In order for a Financial Agreement to be legally binding, both parties must each have received their own independent legal advice in relation to a list of matters specified in the Family Law Act.'

hellsbellsmelons · 11/07/2019 16:04

Get thee to a solicitor quick sharp.
This is not fair on you.
The settlement sounds very much in his favour.
Do you have children together?

WeeWeed · 11/07/2019 16:54

Sympathies from me too. Living the lie is what I find the hardest.