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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband of 25 years gay...

83 replies

Corinthian44 · 10/07/2019 17:16

I'm going through a divorce, I asked him a few months ago when we decided to split if he was gay because it would explain his behaviour and I would feel better, but he said he wasn't.
I found out 2 weeks ago he is, so I sent him a 5 page letter expressing how I feel especially as he took 50% of my inheritance as part of the settlement.
I am very angry and bitter but also feel ridiculous that people will laugh about my stupidity.
Don't know where to turn for support.

OP posts:
Mysterian · 11/07/2019 17:08

He may not have been lying. He may have convinced himself he was straight. He may have spent his childhood being told that being gay was an utterly disgusting thing to be so lived all his life as something he isn't.

People still ask why we need Pride.

sunshinesupermum · 11/07/2019 17:15

Mysterian Highly unlikely that he 'may not have been lying'.

My gay ex told me after we separated that he knew he had same sex feelings when he was in Junior School. Most secretly gay men hide these feelings and lie to the people they profess to love. The lies (and in my case the 6 years, at least, of his cheating with another man) are unforgiveable. You are fortunate to have never walked in the OP's or my shows. We were beards.

Incidentally it was my long standing gay friends who were far more supportive of me than my straght ones. They thought his behaviour was appalling. But they were the brave ones, having come out in very difficult circumstances when they were in their teens and early 20s.

This has nothing to do with 'why we need Pride' FFS!

sunshinesupermum · 11/07/2019 17:16

Shoes not shows.

Mumsnet when will you give us an edit button, please?

Original poster
Corinthian44 · 11/07/2019 19:17

Yep it's the lies, making me feel like I'm the bad one when I wasn't. All the anger and shouting could have been avoided.
I have a daughter she's 23 very open minded and yet she's mad he's lied to us.
He doesn't know she knows btw.
I asked him in my letter to at least tell her.
He says he's going to do right be me so we'll see.
I don't want to get into a huge legal bill for nothing, I already signed an agreement re the finances as he was entitled to half my inheritance, which he knew he was.
I'm loving at my parents house which is my inheritance he had the family home. This house was to be my pension which I have lost.

OP posts:
BigVern1 · 11/07/2019 19:21

The financial settlement issue would bother me more. The inheritance bit particularly

sunshinesupermum · 11/07/2019 20:43

Corinthian My daughters were both in their 20s too and hated the fact he lied, not that he was gay. Please don't wait for him to tell her - she will ask you why you knew and didn't say anything. If she's anything like my daughters, despite her shock, she will support you.

I wouldn't believe him when he says he'll do right by you. He hasn't for your whole married life. You really do need proper legal advice! Most solicitors will give the first 30 minutes free.

Please don't let him walk all over you with this 'financial agreement'. It is not a Consent Order which is legally binding. I really do understand your situation, I made a mistake in the finances with my ex because he made me feel so bad when it was him who was in the wrong.

Re pensions - does your husband have one? If so you are entitled to half especially if you're being persuaded to give him your house!

missyjudy · 11/07/2019 20:59

You really should at least go see a solicitor for some advice on that inheritance issue. You can get a free half hour and it won’t cost you a huge amount to get sorted. Even an hours advice could save you doing something you might regret. Who said he’s entitled to 50% of the inheritance?

PaterPower · 12/07/2019 06:27

Whilst I really sympathise with the OP, how is this situation really that different from a partner who marries knowing they don’t love the other (eg specifically to have kids with a “stable” potential father, or from family pressure to “settle down”?)

Or marries and has continuous affairs? Or even someone who marries specifically because the partner is wealthy, in order to benefit in divorce?

The “deceived” person might be upset, but wouldn’t assume they could do better or deserve more in a financial settlement in those circumstances, so why in this one? It’s a 25 year marriage that’s ended, with OP the higher earner.

Also, I suspect most of you PPs wouldn’t give the same advice to a man whose stbxW decided she was actually a lesbian. Would you say someone like that deserved less of the pot?

(Although agree with PP that it’s def worth checking you don’t have more options / can’t get a better settlement than you’ve currently agreed to OP given you’ve not had a sit down session with a solicitor)

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/07/2019 06:54

Echoing others on here.
Get proper legal advice!!!

Deathgrip · 12/07/2019 07:04

Because it’s such a fundamental lie. He may not have been able to think of himself as gay in those terms, but he absolutely knew he was not attracted to women - this isn’t something that suddenly occurs to you in later life.

It’s one thing to stay in the closet for your entire life (entirely your choice), but quite another to marry and procreate with another person knowing that you can never love them as they deserve to be loved. That is not okay - would you be okay with this being your life and finding this out down the line?

This is nothing to do with homophobia or why we need Pride - this is a person’s life. Yes, it’s very sad if someone’s family make them feel as though they can’t come out - that is why we still need things like Pride. But it’s not okay to pass that pain on to someone else.

OP, please go and see a really good lawyer for advice, to find out where you stand before you do any more.

Deathgrip · 12/07/2019 07:06

Also, I suspect most of you PPs wouldn’t give the same advice to a man whose stbxW decided she was actually a lesbian. Would you say someone like that deserved less of the pot?

It’s not about deserving less of the pot. It’s about whether a spouse has deliberately deceived the other in order to secure marriage and financial gain.

That’s also a very bizarre way of putting it. People don’t suddenly decide they’re a lesbian/ gay.

hellodarkness · 12/07/2019 07:10

OP please spend £250 on an hour or so with a good solicitor.

Online divorces might suit someone with few assets or a short marriage. But it's insane to do this with a long marriage, children and considerable assets.

If they agree with your settlement then you know you couldn't have fared any better, but if they disagree it could be the best few hundred pounds you'll ever spend.

Inheritances are a very grey area. 50/50 is only the starting point.

GertrudeCB · 12/07/2019 07:42

My cousin was nearly the gay man in this situation - he was only out to few of the family but not his parents / grandparents.
Those of us in the know were horrified at his actions and spoke to him about his reasons for getting married to a woman.
All about him, the selfish cunt.
The engagement was broken ( thank god)

PaterPower · 12/07/2019 08:06

It’s about whether a spouse has deliberately deceived the other in order to secure marriage and financial gain.

But the same reasoning isn’t applied to women who “settle,” knowing they don’t love their partner (and don’t tell him) or who deliberately deceive, looking at the potential payoff when they divorce.

He may well have thought / known he was gay 25 years ago but I remember my 20s, and it was a much less understanding / homophobic culture then. It was not uncommon for gay men (and women) to suppress their feelings and go with what society and their family considered the norm.

Also, how was he (25 years ago) expecting financial gain from the marriage? Unless OP was already very comfortably off? Most people would expect to progress in their career over that sort of time and in the majority of marriages 25 years ago, it would be the man that generally out-earned his DW over their lifetimes. He’d have expected to be the one coming off worse in divorce.

birdsdestiny · 12/07/2019 08:11

Women are not human shields for men.

llangennith · 12/07/2019 08:12

Please don't let him walk all over you with this 'financial agreement'. It is not a Consent Order which is legally binding.

@Corinthian44 see a solicitor and get proper legal advice. You're talking about finances worth hundreds of thousands of pounds but you're not prepared to spend a few hundred to safeguard your economic future.
You may feel slightly less bitter if he doesn't get to swan off with more than his fare share of joint monies.

growlingbear · 12/07/2019 08:15

No no no no. He has completely used you. Get yourself a top notch divorce solicitor. Even if they cost what they claw back for you, at least he doesn't get to rob you blind of your pension as well as 25 years of your life.

HollowTalk · 12/07/2019 08:18

I agree with the others. Get the best solicitor you can and do it immediately.

Nobody who knows the facts will call you stupid. If they call you stupid, tell them the facts.

growlingbear · 12/07/2019 08:18

He may well have thought / known he was gay 25 years ago but I remember my 20s, and it was a much less understanding / homophobic culture then. It was not uncommon for gay men (and women) to suppress their feelings and go with what society and their family considered the norm

This is a spurious argument. We all know gay men and women who have lived under the radar because of the times and society they grew up in. They didn't inflict misery on another human being by lying to them about their sexuality, or marry on the take because they are decent people. I know many of them. He's a user and a shit. He is also gay. They are mutually exclusive.

batvixen123 · 12/07/2019 08:27

I think how you understand your own sexuality can be very complex. I have a female friend who says she probably always was gay but came from a very conservative family where it really was not acceptable to even think that so she ended up repressing and re interpreting her feelings - she'd meet man and think "oh yeah, I like him, he's nice, I feel comfortable with him. I guess this is what fancying someone means". She got engaged to one guy because she felt like they had an almost familial kind of love and she thought that was what "marrying love" meant.

She would meet women and feel light headed around them and wanted to be with them and hear from them loads and they were the best thing ever, and she'd tell herself "this is how friendship works".

She genuinely didn't know until she was in her late twenties. I think it's difficult for some people to understand - either straight people or very confident gay people who were sure enough of their identity to come out in their teens or whatever - but if really can be very confusing.

batvixen123 · 12/07/2019 08:29

I also agree that no one is this harsh about women who marry men they don't really love because "he's a good provider" or "I really want children" which is much the same thing - marrying someone you don't love for the sake of a comfortable and socially acceptable life.

Deathgrip · 12/07/2019 09:01

Actually read the posts. She is older and brought assets into the marriage. He did not, and he may have been aware of the inheritance she was likely to get.

From the industry I’ve worked in, I have quite a lot of gay friend, some of whom didn’t come out until later due to family issues - my old best friend was a creationist and gay, you can imagine how that was. What he didn’t do was marry a woman and have children with her while pretending to be straight, because that is an awful thing to do to someone.

Stop with the whataboutery - each case is taken on its circumstances. I don’t know any women who’ve feigned love and sexual attraction for financial gain. I do know of a few married couples where the situation is clearly a sort of business arrangement - both know the other wouldn’t be with them if it weren’t for the money. Similarly women who do sex work, the men know the score. Having a transactional relationship isn’t the issue - deception is the issue.

growlingbear · 12/07/2019 09:08

Good post @Deathgrip

QueenofPain · 12/07/2019 09:30

@Mysterian That really does not make it okay to waste the best years of someone else’s life as collateral to your navel gazing and fear.

MaudebeGonne · 12/07/2019 10:23

25 years ago is the mid nineties, not the fifties! I am not saying there was no homophobia then, but it was a time when lots of people were out and proud in public life. He made a choice to try and pass, and ultimately, he hasn’t been able to sustain it.

I am not saying that this was some long term evil Machiavellian plan to fleece OP out of her pension pot, but this is a man who is used to weighing life up and choosing what benefits him the most. He is used to playing his cards to his chest and putting his needs above everyone else’s.

He will not do right be anyone except himself. For your own peace of mind, invest a few hundred pounds in some good legal advice about your finances. It may not affect the outcome, but you can’t rely on him to be impartial or fair. That is not how his mind works.