Grown up daughter in relationship with uni lecturer, advice pls!

[Gemma4444]

Hi, new on here, it’s great! In a dilemma and looking for advice. My DD is in her 20s and doing a Masters at uni. Last year she become involved with a lecturer in her field who’s in his early 40s I think. He’s moved to another uni for work but they are still involved. Firstly is this acceptable policy for a uni lecturer to have a relationship with a student? Does it make a difference if they are at different universities? I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study? I’m not sure whether I should do something about this or nothing! All advice gratefully received, thanks 😊🙏

Thanks for that post 75 I was starting to wonder if my academic experiences were totally skewed.
I remember reading an obituary of an old professor recently which made reference to 'his girls', these were all young female students who looked a certain way. If you didn't have the look he liked he gave you no attention positive or negative. If you did I certainly didn't envy you.
There is a blurring of the line with PhD students and some of their barely older academic colleagues but this isn't what OP is talking about.
I don't think saying anything would be helpful though, she will have to work it out for herself.

Excellent. I knew that your concerns had come from your own background and experiences.

Ahh, is it this it really,saw parents. Knowing when to be silent and when to speak?

You know her better than I. She is very lucky to have a Mum like you. Wish you both well.

P.S If his field his maths, at 40 he's well washed up and thats a very decimate LTB

Saw = as

I was starting to wonder if my academic experiences were totally skewed.

Me too. Even within the research PG community, you find a lot of weird, creepy and predatory from older male academics.

I remember starting to go to conferences as a PG student and my (female) supervisor pointing out all the usual suspect predatory creeps who would try it on. And she was right; they did. One memorably tried to trick me into taking him back to my hotel room at one point. Now as an older female academic, I warn my students about the same guys (who’re still at it) and the new generation of slightly younger creeps that are emerging too.

It’s bad when they do it at conferences but even worse when they’re scanning their own classrooms for young women.

I know loads of academics in relationships with other academics. But they do tend to be (more or less) peers. Indeed, almost all of them met when they were both PhD students.

I was starting to wonder if my academic experiences were totally skewed.

Hell no. Hence my warning a few pages back.

I might be wrong but I think if he's moved to another uni it's perfectly ok?
I also agree that it's none of your business as your dd is an adult!
My mil was a student when she met my lecturer fil, significant age gap too but they have been married for over 40 years now.
Is your dd happy? That would be my only concern!

My cousin married the professor at her uni although think it was different courses. Uni had no worries. I think you need to step back.
You basically want to end your daughters relationship on a technicality... for your own selfish reasons

Nobody here, except maybe OP, knows enough to judge whether or nor he's a predator exploiting a vulnerable girl, as some here seem to claim.