Grown up daughter in relationship with uni lecturer, advice pls!

[Gemma4444]

Hi, new on here, it’s great! In a dilemma and looking for advice. My DD is in her 20s and doing a Masters at uni. Last year she become involved with a lecturer in her field who’s in his early 40s I think. He’s moved to another uni for work but they are still involved. Firstly is this acceptable policy for a uni lecturer to have a relationship with a student? Does it make a difference if they are at different universities? I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study? I’m not sure whether I should do something about this or nothing! All advice gratefully received, thanks 😊🙏

She’s very motivated with her studies and my main concern was if there could have been any effect on her course.

But they’re at different universities now aren’t they? And her course is going well? So why are you fixating on what could have been when everything turned out fine?

To the PP who said most 40 year old guys are ‘dads’ to 20 year old women, haha 😂 have you met many 20 year old women? Sure, some would find that age gap a turn off, but I dare say many more would not only be fine with it but actively appreciate it. Older, wiser, more mature and stable and secure, usually more experienced, knows what they want more than the average 20 year old guy, I could go on. Chuckling to myself at the idea of any of my friends at 20 thinking a 40 year old was just automatically a dad figure 😂

I know someone who in her 20s met & eventually married her once- lecturer (18 yr gap)... they are still a couple, 3 adult children, 26 yrs later. I'd keep well out of it if I were OP.

She is an adult. She has her own life. Stop interfering.

I’m a lecturer. Our uni policy is that provided he is not marking her work, it is a private matter between two adults. If he is marking her work they have to let the head of school know and someone else will be assigned to supervise her and mark her assessments. In this case it appears he’s at a different uni. so there no conflict of interest. Neither his nor her uni would be remotely interested in this relationship.

Just let it run its course. Age gaps like that fail more often than not.

Don’t say anything, it will make her more determined to make it work.

Chances are he will pick a new student to use anyway.

Uni lecturer here, as long as he is not providing any marks for her then this is a 'Move along, nothing to see here' situation.

If he previously provided marks then we'd be asking when were those marks awarded and when did the relationship start and look at remarking just in case.

In this situation he is at a different uni so there's nothing to even look at it seems.

I’m going to assume that the people getting their knickers in a twist haven’t actually done any postgraduate study otherwise they would know that the power dynamics are very different and that postgrads are seen almost like colleagues or peers. The fact that they are now at different unis makes this a complete non-thing.

If he previously provided marks then we'd be asking when were those marks awarded and when did the relationship start and look at remarking just in case

So, it's only the marking that's of interest,favouritism, that sort of thing.

Even if they were at the same university the lecturer just has to declare it and then would not be able to mark or supervise the student

@Gemma4444

I understand that you are just concerned about your daughter and the decisions she is making.

As others have said, academically and professionally, they are not doing anything wrong. I remember when I was in my undergraduate degree and I had a crush on a couple of lecturers. I remember liking them just because they were my lecturers and there was something of a turn on about it. There's also a bit of being attracted to one and other because they are both passionate about the same field. He will most likely like her because she is smart and specialised in that field.

One of the lecturers I liked is now my PhD supervisor and I do not remotely look at him in that way anymore. That is partly because I am married but I just overcame that phase. Your daughter is doing a masters and most likely after a year she will get a full-time job or do a PhD. If the relationship is based on the whole 'oh he's my lecturer' turn on like it was for me then eventually the relationship will fizzle out on its own.

I would advise you to tread carefully as you do not want to push her away further into his arms.

I also think if you inform anyone in her university about this relationship, they will not be able to do anything to her but they may judge her or treat her differently and you would not want that.

This is how my sister met her husband. She was a post graduate student, he was her supervisor. >10 year age gap. Not quite sure how they addressed it with the university, but they did and he stopped being her supervisor. Many years later and all is well...

@Lisette1940 your post made me laugh 😂

Gemma4444 - you're nothing like my grandmother in law! She certainly was one of a kind.

@wombat1a thanks for post, they were both at the same uni before, that’s how they met, he was her lecturer, he’s moved post since

@Freespirit24 I think she has got a crush as she’s never looked outside her own age group before (he’s not that attractive tbh) thanks for advice

They are adults, he no is at the same institution, there's no issue. Universities have got stricter guidelines in recent years regarding undergrads but postgrads are 21 + so no issue. Several of my good friends are married to their former PhD supervisor!

I dated someone who had lectured me while I was a masters student at the same university, it really is no biggie.

Bloomin heck @TruthOnTrial have you got general hatred for men that date younger women, or is it specific to this scenario?

Let it drop!

Not every relationship with an age gap means that the older person was predatory. She's in her 20s, so I'm assuming post degree, at least 22. I dated a 45 year old when I was 24. I started it - I spotted him in a pub and made a move - and I finished it, after I decided we didn't have much in common. Who was the predator there?!

Spreading this sort of generic BS really does not help when it comes to real, actual occurrences of controlling or predatory behaviour.

Thata quite an extreme reaction wheresthewine !
Hatred??!! Blimey!

It commonly can be, is all. How come so defensive. I think it would be naïve to not imagine that as a potential. Oh well.

Sorry it got your back up. No, no-one sounds predatory in your scenario. Doesn't mean one shouldn't be raising these issues or be allowed to talk about how much it happens.

I think you'd have to have your eyes and ears shut to everything to not know this is indeed a thing.

She is an adult, so is he. Stop making a fuss and she will soon grow bored and look in pastures new, make a scene and she will cling on just to spite you. Seen this behaviour before.

Sorry @TruthOnTrial - it was a bit much, wasn't it. Typing in heat of moment should be avoided... I am sorry.

I've been very close to people who have been on the receiving end of this sort of thing (although to a massive extreme) and sadly also to people who were the predators (again to a massive extreme) so yes, I know eyes have to be open, but I also feel like we're not doing anyone any favours by assuming that every older (and I don't mean older in a general way, just age-gap older) man is a creepy letch.

I just felt like maybe your post was a little unfair to the man in this situation.

But I did come in all guns blazing sorry again

If I was your daughter and you reported the man I was in a relationship with i would be absolutely mortified and would struggle to forgive. She's an adult, you don't get to choose.

Wheresthewine no worries

Your username has made me wonder indeed! Off out now, it's Friday night! Downing tools for the day metaphorically.

Seriously shaking my head at some responses. Frankly I'm wondering how many people REALLY understand how academia works?

I'm a product of three Russell Groups. (I know, I like to swank), a Fellow of the Royal Astronomical Society (amongst others). Co author of two papers in Materials Science (Physics is my field) and more importantly, a mum of two.

OP is right to be worried. It's an abuse of power and its not on. That's number one. Number two is that if he was lecturing her during the undergrad that's a WAY BAD conflict of intrest. I'd go further and say did he have a hand in her going post grad?

You know the post grad sector really do things there own way. In fact, from mine and my ex-H experience ; they do all sorts.

It's fucking crap because I'll wager any money that your DD is outstanding in her field. And she has you for a mum.

Number three. Scoping for skirt during lectures is extremely predatory behaviour. Hell have done it before. Believe me, I use 'skirt' with all due prejudice. We are nothing to males who do this.

You are right to query about flagging this. I agree with PP, don't. Horse has bolted. He's not under their employment. In any case. I'd warrant the person who you'd complain to, such as faculty head, already knows what creep has done hence why he's not there.

I feel for your DD. She needs to get away from that twat. He'll drag her down. But heres where you csn help. Just be there. Talk to her. Raise your concern but let her be. I would say that it would be worth telling her your concerns so that 1 -she's aware and 2- you've absolved yourself of the inevitable conversation years down the line, 'Why didn't you say something, Mum?'

You did. You have.

Feel for you OP. x

Don't underestimate the ties behind the scenes that you cannot see right now.