Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grown up daughter in relationship with uni lecturer, advice pls!

108 replies

Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 11:11

Hi, new on here, it’s great! In a dilemma and looking for advice. My DD is in her 20s and doing a Masters at uni. Last year she become involved with a lecturer in her field who’s in his early 40s I think. He’s moved to another uni for work but they are still involved. Firstly is this acceptable policy for a uni lecturer to have a relationship with a student? Does it make a difference if they are at different universities? I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study? I’m not sure whether I should do something about this or nothing! All advice gratefully received, thanks 😊🙏

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 10/07/2019 11:57

What is wrong with PP here? They are contenting adults, there’s nothing illegal or vile going on! Jesus get a grip.

Bookworm4 · 10/07/2019 11:57

*consenting

frogsoup · 10/07/2019 12:00

An adult academic can have a relationship with an adult student doing a masters at a different university, whether or not the field of study is the same!! As for the cheating accusations, think about it from a different angle: if your own husband was a maths lecturer, would that preclude both you and your children from ever studying maths? Clearly that's bonkers.

rbe78 · 10/07/2019 12:01

Have to disagree with AriadneesWeb. Unless the lecturer in question was her supervisor, or lectured her (with responsibility for giving grades) as part of her Masters, this doesn't really count as inappropriate conduct. If either of the above situations were true, then yes, inappropriate, but as he has moved institutions this is not an ongoing issue.

Otherwise, your daughter is a consenting adult undertaking a postgraduate degree; in many departments postgrads are treated as closer to being part of the staff rather than student body. It is similar to someone forming a relationship with someone at work, who just happens to be a rung or two above them on the career ladder. Many academics form relationships with each other (speaking as an academic married to someone in the same field). If she is happy and supported, there is nothing wrong.

BadBear · 10/07/2019 12:04

It would be totally acceptable even if they were at the same university. They would have to declare it but acceptable.

I completely agree with some of the PPs, it is worth talking about it with your daughter. However, remember that she is an adult and as much as you want to protect her, it's her life. She needs to figure things out for herself.

Unless you have concerns of abusive behaviour (physical or emotional) then you should probably let her figure it out for herself. Just be there for her.

Frownette · 10/07/2019 12:05

@Lisette1940 a minder Grin That's brilliant!

OP you may not like it but have to leave them to it

FelixFelicis6 · 10/07/2019 12:08

Unless she has asked you for advice, mind your own bloody business!! Jesus!

Lisette1940 · 10/07/2019 12:14

Frownette Mil wasn't that much younger than fil. The problem for her mother was that (a) he was her lecturer (b) he was poor and (c) he was the wrong religion. She actually cancelled the first ceremony and they had to reorganize the wedding in his parish. She was truculent to her dying day!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 12:16

What’s the dilemma?

She’s an adult, her choice of partner is her own. You don’t have to like it but if you try and interfere you’ll push her away. Your friends’ divorces are completely irrelevant to your daughter. I know a few couples with big age differences who have been together for ages and are very happy. Also irrelevant to your daughter!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 10/07/2019 12:16

University lecturers are allowed to be in relationships with students as long as they declare it and do not have any responsibility for their grades. It's not like a school/teacher scenario.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 12:23

You could put in a complaint there I suppose and it might hurt his reputation.
yeah, that'll end well. It'll probably damage your relationship with your daughter as well.
She's in her 20s you say. In that case leave it alone. There 24 years between my sister and her husband. Obviously mum was not impressed but after nearly 30 years they are still together
If anything they are really close since my sister took early retirement.

daisyjgrey · 10/07/2019 12:30

If she's intentionally in this relationship and happy, then you need to mind your own business.
I'm doing a masters at the minute and even if I was dating a lecturer I was directly connected to, cheating would be nigh on impossible. Everything is marked by multiple people for a start, and favouritism would be picked up immediately.
Reporting the relationship, especially when he's not even at the same uni as her anymore will cause huge issues that aren't necessarily just.

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:33

Thanks, I don’t work at a uni so I wasn’t sure Smile

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 10/07/2019 12:34

The only way there'd be anything wrong here is if he was directly in a position of power (marking her work etc). But he isn't - he's not even at the same university, FFS.

Are you always this controlling, OP? Maybe time to get some hobbies instead...

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:35

Thanks, Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:37

Thanks, of course I’m concerned, you never stop being concerned for your children even if they’re fully grown, I want her to be happy and finish her course successfully as it’s important to her

OP posts:
TheCatThatDanced · 10/07/2019 12:37

I'd back off and hopefully let her come to her senses. I wouldn't be best pleased about the age gap either.

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:38

Thanks, that’s good information

OP posts:
dreichhighlands · 10/07/2019 12:40

There isn't much you can do about it OP but I wouldn't be thrilled either. I do think that some lecturers misuse their positions to have relationships with students, some get very well known for this. There is a power gap even if the students are adults.
But there isn't really anything you can do OP.

Lauraloop1516 · 10/07/2019 12:41

The university I work at had an ongoing situation with a lecturer (late 40s) having a relationship with a PhD student (about 25). It was complained about numerous times by colleagues, though it seems there's no official rules against it as he wasn't marking her work. At the same time, it was definitely frowned upon and his and her reputation have undoubtedly suffered as a result.

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:41

Yes I am doing just that, they have little in common outside talking about work, it seems to be a novelty type relationship for both of them if you know what I mean, part of life’s variety. It might last, it might not

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:43

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 12:44

Thanks for all the advice and observations, getting the hang of mumsnet now. Smile

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 10/07/2019 12:45

One of my friends married her PhD supervisor. They were together pretty much all the way through her PhD. Everyone knew and no-one complained ( I worked at the uni and was friends with them both).

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 12:46

Yes I am doing just that, they have little in common outside talking about work, it seems to be a novelty type relationship for both of them if you know what I mean, part of life’s variety. It might last, it might not
I'm sure they'll figure it out. However the longer they are together the more they can become together. Nobody thought my sister would last with her husband but they have built up shared interests and memories together