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Original poster

Grown up daughter in relationship with uni lecturer, advice pls!

108 replies

Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 11:11

Hi, new on here, it’s great! In a dilemma and looking for advice. My DD is in her 20s and doing a Masters at uni. Last year she become involved with a lecturer in her field who’s in his early 40s I think. He’s moved to another uni for work but they are still involved. Firstly is this acceptable policy for a uni lecturer to have a relationship with a student? Does it make a difference if they are at different universities? I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study? I’m not sure whether I should do something about this or nothing! All advice gratefully received, thanks 😊🙏

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant1 · 10/07/2019 12:50

Gosh, stop interfering. I guarantee you, if he’s at a different institution nobody will give a toss whether the adult woman he’s in a relationship with is a student elsewhere or not. Which is as it should be.

I dated a 42 year old prof in a different department when I was 22 and finished my undergrad. We didn’t have any plans to be together in the long term but had a great six months and stayed friends for years afterwards. Can imagine how weirded out I’d have been if my mum had tried to interfere or dictate to me what I should be doing with my love life at that age!

Frownette · 10/07/2019 12:53

Lisette I quite like the sound of your mil's mother, obdurate to the end. Unequivocal. You wouldn't quite know what her next tactic might be

(It would be different if I was on the receiving end, of course)

springydaff · 10/07/2019 13:09

I don't agree with pp's. If it started when they were at the same uni then it is a potential abuse of power. I would anonymously report it so it's on file at least.

SlothMama · 10/07/2019 13:14

He's no longer her lecturer and she's an adult, his new university probably won't do anything.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 13:17

I don't agree with pp's. If it started when they were at the same uni then it is a potential abuse of power. I would anonymously report it so it's on file at least
Wow, that's cowardly and a completely shit thing to do.
The daughter is a woman, theres no suggestion she is vulnerable or doesn't have agency about her relationships. In fact, it's the opposite, she sounds intelligent and motivated.
If I was in the Ops shoes I would at least try to get to know him. You may not ever like him but you may see something your daughter sees in him. The relationship may burn bright and fade quick or be a slow burner forever. Who knows? But give the daughter some credit to make her own mind up. Shes not in 6th form for heavens sake!

Benes · 10/07/2019 13:18

The new university won't do anything....there is no probably about it.

There's nothing that needs addressing.

Benes · 10/07/2019 13:21

So many people on here have no idea how universities work... Particularly at post grad.
They're all adults. It's not like school. The relationship is completely different.

MummytoCSJH · 10/07/2019 13:23

She's an adult and her relationship with another adult is not your business! Glad you've made the right decision to stay out of it and not attempted to ruin somebody's reputation or your daughter's education as some suggested Hmm

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 10/07/2019 13:24

They are both adults, but there is a power imbalance which may be concerning.

GrabbyGertie · 10/07/2019 13:28

I wouldn't do or say anything but it a bit weird and creepy of the lecturer and a bit of an questionable choice for your daughter.

I guess the fact she has told you is good.

Id only do something if I thought the daughter was vulnerable in some way.

TruthOnTrial · 10/07/2019 13:32

They got together when there was a power imbalance.

So no, that's very inappropriate. It's gross and predatory, she's his student and there for support not taking sexual advantage.

I would want to report it to the university, and they can do with that what they will. I guess they would think twice if he ever wanted to come back.

Or they might pass on the knowledge under safeguarding.

By moving away the balance has shifted hopefully in her mind, he's no longer that authority figure but real, warts an all.

Horrible letch. Just why can't old men keep their hands off young women.

I know, it really does work sometimes but a 29 and a 40 yo are just worlds apart realistically speaking

TruthOnTrial · 10/07/2019 13:33

20 & 40 (not 29!)

Binting · 10/07/2019 13:40

Most universities have consensual relationship policies covering staff relationships and staff/student relationships. They don’t necessarily forbid relationships between consenting adults.

As your dd’s do is working at another university there will be no problem. Don’t meddle and leave your dd be.

Binting · 10/07/2019 13:41
  • Dd’s ‘DP’
GCAcademic · 10/07/2019 13:51

Horrible letch. Just why can't old men keep their hands off young women

Wow, I guess I must be an old woman, by your criteria, aged 44 Hmm

As for “safeguarding” - give over. The OP’s DD is an adult, and there is no indication that she’s a vulnerable adult, so safeguarding does not apply here. I agree that it’s inappropriate for lecturers to start relationships with students, but this kind of hyperbole is of no use to the OP.

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 14:11

I’m still not sure how serious the relationship was when they were both at the same uni, I would describe my DD as not worldly wise but not vulnerable either. She’s very motivated with her studies and my main concern was if there could have been any effect on her course. It seems not which is good, if her boyfriend wasn’t in the same field obviously the thought wouldn’t have arisen. I’ve met him a few times and we get on fine.

OP posts:
Frownette · 10/07/2019 14:24

@Gemma4444 I'd relax a bit about it, if he's treating her well and she seems happy and studies are going fine then there doesn't seem much to fret about.

The last thing you want to do is alienate her so just encourage her to talk and reiterate that as you're her mum of course you're always going to want her to be healthy and happy

TruthOnTrial · 10/07/2019 16:46

Wow right back at yer!

By a 20 yo's standards absolutely yes! By the vast majority this is father material.

Yes, these are young adults. It's not the same as a woman even 10 years his junior!

I think it's a bit simplistic to say she's an adult, legally yes, but emotionally and psychologically still developing. That hyperbole, you know.

TruthOnTrial · 10/07/2019 16:48

To most young women 40 y olds are old and just classed as dads.

I think you're taking offence unnecessarily, which is strange given your stated approach

TatianaLarina · 10/07/2019 16:55

I’d just warn her that some middle-aged lecturers sit in unis picking off the 20something students. She’s likely to one of a line of them.

Other than that, she’ll just have to figure it out for herself.

GCAcademic · 10/07/2019 16:55

Oh, I wasn’t taking offence. I just thought “old man” and “safeguarding” were OTT, given that the DD is in her 20s, and the former lecturer in their early 40s.

stillworkingitout · 10/07/2019 17:03

I met my DH when he was a young lecturer and I was a postgraduate. There is a decade between us, so not quite so big an age gap but we work kind of in the same field so there is a lot of work talk at home (well more before kids really). I find it a little offensive where people upthread have suggested that this may have tarnished my reputation. Half the department came to the wedding, the whole faculty received an announcement of our firstborn. I work with his colleagues, currently in a different department. Just because an academic and student get together doesn’t mean it’s doomed, or it’s an abusive relationship. And it’s not against the rules either, except in some situations.

Original poster
Gemma4444 · 10/07/2019 18:19

I feel better after reading the posts about work scrutiny and that partners/relatives can work and study in same department or field without a conflict of interests or having their work/study questioned. I don’t know if he has had relationships with other young students before, that might be worth a tactful ask. Thanks again for the positive comments, advice and information 😊😊😊

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 10/07/2019 18:28

He might be the kind of creepy letch that is overrepresented among academics (IME) but there are no rules preventing them dating.

Or they might genuinely really like each other.

My own experience would suggest that the kind of older male academics who approach young female postgrads at conferences tend to be creeps though. All my female colleagues have several stories about the much older men in our fields who’ve tried to hit on us at conferences.

Regardless, as the parents of an adult child, there’s nothing you can do but sit back and be there to pick up the pieces if it falls apart.

BogglesGoggles · 10/07/2019 18:29

My husband lectured the subject I studied (not at my university) no one faves shit. Why would they?

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