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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice... any I being silly?

92 replies

Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 17:49

Hi All,
My husband of 15 years and I have a 2 year old baby and ever since my baby was born, my husband has been horrible to me. Not every day but on and off. He will have a sniddy comment about me not doing anything or sorting my life out even though im busy 24/7 with out baby.
I don't know what mood he's going to be in when he wakes up/comes home from work.
I had a great paying job before becoming a mum and handed my notice in to stay at home to look after our baby. I've spent all my savings going to baby classes, on nappies, toys, clothes etc and now I have to ask for money every month. He comes up with an excuse not to give me any money every time. I'm now having to get money from my mother. He says he goes to work and keeps a roof over our head so he thinks he's doing his part.
When he's at home, he will stay in his office all day and work even at the weekends, he rarely wants to join in with us.
Am I being silly about this or is his treating me unfairly?
Thanks x

OP posts:
SoyDora · 07/07/2019 17:50

Was it a joint decision for you to be a SAHM?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 17:54

Yes everything we have done has been planned and jointly agreed.
We've moved to be closer to his work too. I don't have any friends or family nearby anymore x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 18:14

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. And no you are not being silly about this at all.

His actions towards you and his child are not loving ones at all and are about power and control. Its all well stacked in his favour.
Abusive people are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Pregnancy and birth are often flashpoints for such abusive men to further reveal their true selves because they think they have trapped you then.

You are in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship with your husband. This is misery for you and in turn your child and it will not get better for you or your child going forward. Such men do not change and these types hate women, all of them.

You are now having to get funds off your mother because he does not want to share his wage with you. He keeping a roof over your head and going to work is not enough. It was probably his idea in the main also to move closer to his workplace and away from your own family and friends. That is also a tactic used by abusive men to
further isolate their target from support too.

What does your mother think about your H and you having to get funds from her?.

Please get support for your own self and reach out to the likes of Womens Aid and your local domestic violence support group.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 18:24

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat
Of course I still love him but if I wasn't a strong person, I'd be in bits by now.
He does eventually bank transfer money over to me but then wants me to pay for things or wants me to give him some back for certain things. He will give me around 120 a month.
When he's having a good day, it's brill but those days are rare.
He pays for our car, mortgage and the bills. Everything else I pay for.
My mother disapproves but will always give me money to support me. She also finds him awkward to be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 18:29

He says he's low on money but he's buying himself designer clothes

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 18:32

Such controlling behaviour OP is abusive in nature; no two ways about it. This is all deliberate on his part and designed to bring you down with him.

Some abusive men like supposedly strong women to take down with them into their pit, they see such as a challenge. Remaining with him is not an option for you now. He is not going to have some epiphany here and say sorry. No, that will not happen.

You may well be confusing love with codependency. His actions towards you and your child are certainly not loving ones at all. The man is not even spending much if any real time with either of you.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would your own advice be here?.

As I wrote earlier abusive people are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. What you are seeing from him is the cycle of abuse.

Your mother is likely to be extremely worried about both you and her grandchild. Use her support too to get yourself and your child away from your abusive husband.

Wildorchidz · 07/07/2019 18:33

It won’t get any better
Leave
And take him to court for maintenance

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 18:33

He does not want to share his wages with you or his child but spends lavishly on his own self whilst giving you £30 a week.

He uses his child to keep you feeling trapped and without a voice within such a relationship, your H is truly the lowest of the low here.

SusieOwl4 · 07/07/2019 18:35

Could you go back to work even if it’s part time ? I don’t think this is normal behaviour at all ?

Wallywobbles · 07/07/2019 18:36

I think you have to go back to work and hand him half the child care. I'd explain to him with paper, pen and numbers how that's going to look. He's an arsehole frankly. And he can start looking for the replacement childcare. Your current arrangement is unsustainable.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:29

Thank you all.
I would want to stay in our house as I've made friends around the neighbourhood but I doubt I'll be able to, he wants to stay in the house. He's said a few weeks ago when we argued.

OP posts:
stillmoving · 07/07/2019 19:30

ever since my baby was born, my husband has been horrible to me.

If he has been horrible to you for 2 years perhaps it's time to end it?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:30

I tell my mother everything cause I know she won't judge but I can't talk to anyone else about it because they don't know what he's really like. When we meet friends, he pretends to be the family guy Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:32

stillmoving good point. His dad hasn't been well so I thought it was due to that but it's been going on for so long. I've been seeing if he will change

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:34

I can go back to work but I wanted to be a SAHM. I can work from home anyhow but that's not what I wanted to do

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 07/07/2019 19:34

Why do you think it’s silly? It sounds really miserable. Would you like to go back to work? I’d start thinking about yourself from now on.

stillmoving · 07/07/2019 19:40

I've been seeing if he will change

He has been horrible to you for 2 years. It's unlikely he will change isn't it?

Loveislandaddict · 07/07/2019 19:43

You shouldn’t have to ask your dm for money.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:43

I always question myself as he blames it all on me so sometimes you tend to believe it.
Then I get my self strength and realise it's not me.
He sometimes looks at me like I'm something he stepped in then other days like I'm a queen. It's very hard to describe it.
Personally I wouldn't like to go back to work yet but would if it worked around my baby

OP posts:
Teaandchocolatecake · 07/07/2019 19:44

How would he react if you said you were going back to work?

nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 19:45

Bloody hell, that's awful, op. He's being emotionally and financially abusive to you. Get back to into work ASAP, if you possibly can, and get away from him because this is only going to go further downhill. Don't doubt yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:45

I feel guilty for asking for money all the time. When I'm food shopping etc I'm like checking my bank account in store to see if he's sent any over and if he hasn't, I'm phoning my mother. He doesn't want a joint bank account

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 07/07/2019 19:45

When it comes to money, I would not ask but tell. Explain that you need a joint credit card (or one on his account) to pay for family essentials.

Any resistance to the above and you tell him his options are sharing the parenting and work roles or divorce.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:46

He would love it if I went back to work. He's always been very jealous of me staying at home with our baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 19:48

nethunsreject Thanks hun. I should value and not doubt myself, my mother tells me this

OP posts:
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