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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice... any I being silly?

92 replies

Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 17:49

Hi All,
My husband of 15 years and I have a 2 year old baby and ever since my baby was born, my husband has been horrible to me. Not every day but on and off. He will have a sniddy comment about me not doing anything or sorting my life out even though im busy 24/7 with out baby.
I don't know what mood he's going to be in when he wakes up/comes home from work.
I had a great paying job before becoming a mum and handed my notice in to stay at home to look after our baby. I've spent all my savings going to baby classes, on nappies, toys, clothes etc and now I have to ask for money every month. He comes up with an excuse not to give me any money every time. I'm now having to get money from my mother. He says he goes to work and keeps a roof over our head so he thinks he's doing his part.
When he's at home, he will stay in his office all day and work even at the weekends, he rarely wants to join in with us.
Am I being silly about this or is his treating me unfairly?
Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 11:59

I don't buy myself anything and haven't done for a while now. If I want a coffee I take the money from what's left in my bank account if there's any left. If none left, coffee at home it is x

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 08/07/2019 12:47

Birthday presents for friends? Cosmetics? Clothes and shoes? Things for the house? Magazines and papers? Bottle of wine? How are these funded?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 13:01

I only buy cosmetics and occasional bottle of wine and they come from my money my husband sends to me

OP posts:
Rosielily · 08/07/2019 15:13

Do you have to ask your husband for this money?

ChristmasFluff · 08/07/2019 15:36

This is financial abuse. He is literally using finances to have power over you. You should not be having to go cap-in-hand to him for money, and your mother certainly shouldn't be funding things.

If you divorce him, you get 50 percent of everything. Sounds to me like you would be far better off.

PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 16:08
  1. Listen to Attila.
  2. They aren't abusive all the time, of course they're not, otherwise they'll all be alone, wouldn't they? All abusers are nice sometimes, that's how they hook a victim and then keep a victim. Over time, the nice periods will be shorter and shorter and the nasty ones longer and much more severe. This is absolutely inevitable. Like light after day, it WILL happen.
  3. He doesn't decide he stays in the house. The courts decide that - and it's likely they'll side with housing the dependent mother in a needs case - see a good solicitor.
  4. Part of why he turned when you were pregnant was because he could and partly probably because pregnant women and new mothers get lots of attention and he likely couldn't handle not being the centre of every accolade. He resents you for being "important" and "central" to the family. Nothing can fix this, it's an innate personailty defect and the only solution is to get away from him.
Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 16:13

Thanks.

Yes I do have to ask for money. Every month and sometimes before the end of the month and I hate doing it. I get a lot of reasons why he can't them I asked again a few days later

OP posts:
TroubleWithNargles · 08/07/2019 16:15

He is being (at the very least) financially abusive. All money coming in to a marriage should be pooled, it doesn't matter who actually goes to work and physically earns it.

How much exactly does he think a full-time nanny/cleaner/housekeeper/cook would cost for working for 24 hours a day 7 days a week, no time off ever? Because that's the job you are doing right now and he doesn't seem to appreciate it at all.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2019 16:25

Can you get away to your mums for a couple of weeks?
This is not OK OP and you know it.
How much would he have to pay you in child maintenance if you split up?
Do you know what he earns?
This is abuse.
Financial abuse.
And you should NOT be putting up with it.
I'm glad you have supportive mum.
Now go to her and be happy away from this vile excuse for a human being.

QforCucumber · 08/07/2019 16:25

Is he annoyed at you being at home now, does he think it's time for you to return to work? Did you both agree for you to stay at home or did you tell him that it was what you wanted and so it was happening? Was how funds would be split discussed when you discussed being a SAHM?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 16:47

He's always said he would support me and our baby but when it came to it, he didn't give me money without asking. I used all my mat leave money on baby clothes, nappies etc. He should set up a standing order but he doesn't. I asked him a few weeks ago for money and he said what do you need. I don't ask for money to go and buy myself presents, it's all necessities

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 16:48

He seems to have a little resentment still that I'm home with our baby. He's never liked it and I think he may be jealous of our bond.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 16:52

He has far far more than just a mere little resentment!.

As I wrote before, when you became pregnant his position of being The Big Man/Number 1 in your life (and his) was usurped and he does not like this one bit. He does not like the fact that your child is now the number 1 person in your life; that is how he sees things. This is who he really is; an abuser at heart.

Please find it within yourself to get yourself and your child away from your abusive H.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still with him?.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 16:54

Honestly, I don't know.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 08/07/2019 17:05

Out of interest I hope the child benefit is in your name?
This is no way to live, you know that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 17:09

How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

Rosielily · 08/07/2019 17:12

How do you feel about him, having read these responses?

looondonn · 08/07/2019 17:17

He hates you

I am sorry

Also been through this

Got so much worse when my baby came

He is an abuser on so many levels
Please RUN FAST

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 17:38

All of these replies have opened up my eyes

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 08/07/2019 20:09

Jesus Christ you sound like a numb,robotic shell of an individual whose been beaten down so badly by your husband/hostage taker! How could you be guilty of doing anything else but simply existing? You BOTH agreed to a child,being a SAHM and you have to beg off your poor mother for the basics of life? You want your child normalizing emotional and verbal and financial abuse? Would it be easier to leave if he actually physically abused you? You deserve happiness and peace and autonomy and joy!!!

pinkyredrose · 08/07/2019 20:26

An equal partner should be asking 'what do we need' not 'what do YOU need'. Have you told him how demeaned he makes you feel?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 20:51

You are so right EKGEMS & pinkyredrose
It's been so long since he's been like this... it's become the norm for me but I don't want it to be like this.
He's been ok these past few days but for how long?!

OP posts:
Rosielily · 08/07/2019 21:12

He's been ok these past few days but for how long?!

He's got you walking on eggshells, which is just wrong.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 21:39

Rosielily that is exactly what I'm doing. His family are coming over this weekend which I didn't agree to. I don't want to play happy family.

OP posts:
Rosielily · 08/07/2019 21:43

Why are his family coming? Are they staying with you? Who will feed them etc? Can you arrange to be out when they come?