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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice... any I being silly?

92 replies

Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 17:49

Hi All,
My husband of 15 years and I have a 2 year old baby and ever since my baby was born, my husband has been horrible to me. Not every day but on and off. He will have a sniddy comment about me not doing anything or sorting my life out even though im busy 24/7 with out baby.
I don't know what mood he's going to be in when he wakes up/comes home from work.
I had a great paying job before becoming a mum and handed my notice in to stay at home to look after our baby. I've spent all my savings going to baby classes, on nappies, toys, clothes etc and now I have to ask for money every month. He comes up with an excuse not to give me any money every time. I'm now having to get money from my mother. He says he goes to work and keeps a roof over our head so he thinks he's doing his part.
When he's at home, he will stay in his office all day and work even at the weekends, he rarely wants to join in with us.
Am I being silly about this or is his treating me unfairly?
Thanks x

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 20:24

Your mum is very wise Wink. Srsly though, very best wishes.

SusieOwl4 · 07/07/2019 20:30

Jealous of you being at home with the baby ? Again that sounds odd . It all sounds strange to me. I think you need your self confidence back as soon as possible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 20:37

Such men do not change. He hates women, all of them.

Plan your exit now from your abuser with due care and attention. Your child can’t afford to grow up seeing you as their mother being so controlled and therefore abused.

Rosielily · 07/07/2019 20:52

He sounds dreadful.

You've been married 15 years. What was he like before your baby was born?

Are you looking to divorce him?

I know you say you wanted to be a SAHM, but really that is a privilege you can not afford right now given his behaviour and financial abuse.

You should seriously consider returning to work so you don't become de-skilled and so you maintain your earning potential and pension etc for the long term.

You say you can work from home, could you do that with your baby, or would you need child care? Would your mum help out?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 21:06

He changed when our baby arrived. I put it down to his dad being unwell but surely you can't keep treating someone like this for so long! That's my thought process right now. I just feel worn out and drained by it all. I can't keep second guessing how he's feeling and why.
He doesn't appreciate us as a family and it may be too late now.

I have to face up to it but not sure what to do. Do I stay at home? Leave the house? My parents would put us up but they have downsized so it'll be a squeeze.
I could work from home and not need childcare.

I just kept telling myself, I've done something wrong and I should be the one to change but then other thoughts creep in and say it's not you, you've done nothing wrong.
I get in trouble for silly things and I've had enough of it.
I've been made to feel horrible for staying at home with our baby which I love to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 21:08

I don't know whether it's us as family he doesn't like or whether he's not happy being a father. Perhaps he preferred our life before our baby came along... again im 2nd guessing everything

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 21:11

My guess is that when your child came into being his position of being number 1 was usurped. He to punish you for this , now abuses you and I turn your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2019 21:13

I would suggest you seek legal advice ASAP with a view to divorcing your abuser. Knowledge is power here. You cannot let your child grow up with this person seeing you as their mother being abused so.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 21:15

Scary to think about going through all of that. I would like to know where I stand

OP posts:
stillmoving · 07/07/2019 21:17

I would like to know where I stand

In your OP you said your husband has been horrible to you for 2 years.

On your own is where you need to stand. Both for you and your child.

Yes it's not easy but there are agencies that can help; please get out of this abusive relationship.

Wallywobbles · 07/07/2019 21:23

In your situation information is power. Find out who is the best or at least a really good lawyer who is bang on for women. See multiple lawyers as necessary. (4th was my SHL) Find out where you'd stand if divorced.

Present him with choice A - things stay as they are with total financial openness and parity.

Choice B you go back to work and he does a full 50% of parenting, household tasks and admin and 50% of childcare costs.

Choice C you divorce him. I cannot see how C would be any worse than your current situation.

We understand that you'd like this to go away. But it isn't going to unless you do something.

Carpetburns · 07/07/2019 21:28

I'm sure it's not very empowering to have to ask for money all of the time. As your child is now 2, I would look for a part time job to give you some spending money and independence. At 2, I'm sure your DC would enjoy going to nursery for a few hours a week, too.

Original poster
Mummy123London · 07/07/2019 21:33

Thanks everyone for all of your help.
You have all come back with some good advice and ideas for me to think about.

I'm in a place now where I can't take any more and I don't like the person I would probably turn into. I want the old me back.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 08/07/2019 01:08

Are you TTC DC2?
When you said you want to be a SAHM it sounded long term.

orangesun35 · 08/07/2019 01:21

so sorry to hear this. my dad was like this with my mother .its so wrong .he is not being loving towards you and his baby.you sound like a lovely person and should not be treated this way.he sounds very controlling .I bet he does not want a joint bank. account.... stand for your self it will only get worse if you don't .good luck

Mary1935 · 08/07/2019 02:01

He a bloody bastard. What type of man would treat his wife and mother of his child like that.
I would get out as I’m sure he will not go. Seek legal advice though and contact women’s aid if your still unsure. Abusive man really really make you doubt yourself. 🌺

Winterlife · 08/07/2019 05:04

Borrow money from your mother to see a solicitor specializing in family law. Your husband does sound abusive, particularly if you have to scrounge for grocery money.

I suggest before you tell him anything, you get a job. As a child, my mother told me to never be reliant on a man for income and I followed that advice, as did my sisters. I gave my daughter the same advice.

Would a home based job give you sufficient income to survive on your own? Can you actually work with a two or three year old under foot? Perhaps you could work 2 or 3 days a week outside the home?

Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 08:59

We aren't planning on a 2nd baby. The plan was to stay at home until my baby went to school then go back to work

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy123London · 08/07/2019 09:02

Also i was given him the benefit of the doubt due to his dad but how long can you do this for? His dad had an illness for around 5 years and died end of February this year.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 08/07/2019 10:10

How long can he do this for? Now it’s a habit, I’d say forever.
What would happen if you sat down together and you told him adult-to-adult what you want? I’m really concerned that you have no money of your own if he does, access to funds should be equal. How do you pay for things for yourself?

Rosielily · 08/07/2019 10:28

His father's illness is no excuse for this behaviour. Stop making any further excuses hit him. I mean this kindly.

Rosielily · 08/07/2019 10:30

*for him! Don't hit him!! 😂

notapizzaeater · 08/07/2019 10:38

His fathers illness started long before he turned nasty. You need to start making plans

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 10:39

Mummy123London

re your comment:-
"He changed when our baby arrived".

Sadly I am not surprised to read this at all.

Pregnancy and or birth are often flashpoints for abusers to show their true nature to their intended target.

If you do really want the old you back, you are going to have to leave this man. Men like this also take time, years even, to recover from. And he is not going to let you go at all easily here, he will continue to be similarly abusive to you and in turn your child once you have left him.

pinkyredrose · 08/07/2019 10:55

Why don't you have equal access to family funds? He obviously resents you and the baby. How about counselling, jointly or on your own?

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