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Original poster

Did you settle because you wanted children? Was it the best idea?

86 replies

summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 16:04

I date and have met many men who wanted to settle down. I am happy alone and unless it's amazing then I lose interest. obviously I know it wont be amazing all the time, but hopefully you get what I mean..i suppose Im looking for that deep love. BUT, I know not everyone finds that and that is just how life is.

I want kids a lot. I do not want them alone. should I settle? the men I date are generally decent, kind people. they just don't set my world alight. If anyone has done this I would be interested to hear if you think it is a good idea. maybe more people settle than I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 16:50

anyone?

OP posts:
ConfCall · 07/07/2019 16:55

I’m in my 40s. I settled at 28. We had DCs. We divorced.

Do I regret it? Well, yes and no. I regret the time wasted but I don’t regret the DCs.

I’m in a good place now but being in a mediocre marriage was miserable and guilt-inducing. In retrospect it was worth it but it was hard at the time.

Sorry not to be more helpful. I haven’t fully figured it out myself yet.

Original poster
summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 16:58

I just don't know what to do. the pool of people seems to be getting smaller and part of me just wants to have some sort of life and marriage even if it isn't a deep deep love where I wake up feeling grateful they exist! again I am not looking for perfection, just a real true love.

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 07/07/2019 16:59

I didn't settle but no kids.

I did wonder if I'd regret it.

If I was you, I'd have the kids but make sure it's not with an idiot.

Robin2323 · 07/07/2019 17:09

How hold are you?

AriadneesWeb · 07/07/2019 17:16

If I hadn’t settled I’d have had no romance and no children - I figured one out of two was better than none. He’s a good father who works hard and loves his DC. Having a father is much better for my DC than a sperm donor would have been. We argue because we’ve never particularly been in love, I think we might divorce in the long run. But lots of people divorce. I don’t regret it because otherwise I’d have had no DC. I looked for love as long as possible though, I didn’t settle until I ran out of time.

Original poster
summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 17:18

I’m 35 next week

OP posts:
Original poster
summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 17:18

36! 36 next week. I can’t keep up! Haha

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 07/07/2019 17:22

I know a lot of women who settled especially between the ages of 29-31 since a lot of women give themselves a "married by age 30" deadline. It's okay to settle to get the children, but don't ever become financially dependent since you'll ultimately divorce as soon as your heart and groin light up by that cute man at the office and you see what you are missing.

lilybetsy · 07/07/2019 17:23

I settled, I had two kids with him. We divorced. Like the poster above I wish I had met the man of my dreams to have children with. I wish my kids didn't have such a father, but regret the marriage? ; not really because of the children ....

stucknoue · 07/07/2019 17:31

Yes, suppose I did, he wasn't perfect but I loved him and couldn't imagine life without him so ignored the flaws. He wants a divorce. I should have left 12 years ago when I was younger and things were crap but you put the kids first... he's still a catch at forty something, me not so much

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 17:32

Just don't settle for one who is controlling or abusive in ANY way. That includes issues with his family. Those ones are an absolute horror show to divorce (their family will heavily weigh in against you too) and, if you're settling, you WILL divorce or loathe your retirement years.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 07/07/2019 17:36

I did. Yes, I regret it, but, no controlling, abuse or substance misuse issues, I would not have settled for that. Listen to what Pics said.

OneMoreForExtra · 07/07/2019 17:54

I did. And then had a hell of a time having children. I now have them and feel like I've invested so much I can't walk away from the relationship. He's a devoted dad and kind companion so it's by no means unmanageable, but that 'heart and groin alight' thing a PP poster said isn't here and that makes me sad.

On the other hand. When I look at many friends marriages I see their compromises, some of which I'd be less happy to make than my own. I think we're sold a lot of crap about relationships in practically every influence we have from childhood onwards. The reality is a series of trade-offs and compromises, hopefully all towards a net positive. I think half the skill of being married is the ability to constructively solve problems with affection. Imagine if we approached work or hobbies with such an expectation of perfection.

KTara · 07/07/2019 17:56

Yes I settled and yes horror show to divorce (I actually have not been able to do that yet, I have given up although we are separated) and if you have DC, you need to sort out the arrangements for them and you are then involved with each other to some extent until DC are teenagers.

I do not regret having DC at all, I do regret the marriage, and yes, sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had never met him.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/07/2019 18:17

No, I wouldn’t. It’s one thing for me as an adult to choose to “settle” if I so wish but I wouldn’t do that to children who have no choice in the matter.

I’d never settle though as life is too short. I’d rather be alone than with somebody just for the sake of it.

Snozzler3 · 07/07/2019 19:01

I think a lot of people settle after they are married even if the lust/love was there in the first place so not much difference. Having kids completely changes relationships for most people.

missyjudged · 07/07/2019 19:07

I did and no it wasn’t.

missyjudged · 07/07/2019 19:08

If I could do it all over again, I’d do it on my own. I’d then get the majority say in everything rather than having to accommodate and consider a giant man child

Ploppymoodypants · 07/07/2019 19:19

You don’t say how old you are. But I would have children with a nice kind decent man, who you like a lot (and love at least a bit) who will be a good father. That way if it doesn’t work out you still have your children, so does that father and the children have a good relationship with both parents.
Maintain your career etc. Make sure you are kind to the man. TBH a marriage like that can be a lot happier that one full of passion and excitement, as those sort tend to have the lows as well.

LexMitior · 07/07/2019 19:19

Yes. Had the kids and then a horror show divorce.

When I look back at it now I wonder why I felt I had to. Really the need for children was why. Years later I am doing this on my own and it’s much easier than being married.

Any controlling or substance issues, don’t settle. Likewise if you don’t like his parents, find someone else. In laws are the template for the relationship you will have!

TealGreenBalloons · 07/07/2019 19:26

I don't think anyone should ever settle, especially to have kids. There's not much more testing on a relationship than children and I can't imagine wanting to go through that with anyone other than someone I utterly adored and loved more than anything.
I know so many people who've settled and I just think I'd be miserable going through life thinking it was a bonus that I'd found a kind, good man rather than that being the bare minimum for someone I was beyond in love with in a relationship with real passion.

TemporaryPermanent · 07/07/2019 19:33

I'm watching a relative split from her 'settlement'. It's not pretty for either of them or their dc.

Settling for not having children is also possible. I have a dear friend who has done that. I don't know how much it hurts her. She has a stepdaughter.

It's all a bit of a gamble tbh :(

Greenmum2019 · 07/07/2019 19:35

@OneMoreForExtra

Such a great reply.... :-)

Iggypoppie · 07/07/2019 19:42

As some posters have said, if you've got some potential guys then love can grow. Especially if you create a family together. But there should be things such as shared goals, mutual respect etc. Think it as 'would this be a decent person to coparent with'? Because that's what a lot of couples end up doing any way.