Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you settle because you wanted children? Was it the best idea?

86 replies

summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 16:04

I date and have met many men who wanted to settle down. I am happy alone and unless it's amazing then I lose interest. obviously I know it wont be amazing all the time, but hopefully you get what I mean..i suppose Im looking for that deep love. BUT, I know not everyone finds that and that is just how life is.

I want kids a lot. I do not want them alone. should I settle? the men I date are generally decent, kind people. they just don't set my world alight. If anyone has done this I would be interested to hear if you think it is a good idea. maybe more people settle than I think.

OP posts:
riotlady · 08/07/2019 09:24

I think it’s cruel to knowingly settle- you are essentially tricking someone into marrying you and having kids with you, by misleading them about how you feel. To me, marriage vows are serious, and I wouldn’t make all those promises to someone I didn’t genuinely adore and want a future with. Yes, it doesn’t always work out, but I do think you should go into it with a full and honest heart.

To the OP, have you considered having children alone? It would mean that you don’t have any custody issues to contend with and if you do ever meet the right person, you’re better off being a single parent than a married one!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 08/07/2019 09:34

Such a tough question and ..... I can only give you my perspective.

I didn't settle. I've never been married, have no children and am currently not in a committed relationship (and don't want to be at the minute).

Does it suit me? You bet it does Smile Will it suit you? Only you can know.

I think that people do settle but I don't think that's a bad thing for everyone Blush

KylieKoKo · 08/07/2019 11:32

@PicsInRed

What self-serving nonsense.

Please can you explain how I am being self-serving?

DP & I are quite besotted with each other 6 years in and I have never particularly wanted my own children (though love his) so I haven't settled and am not looking for an affair.

I have observed that people who aren't that into their partners cheat more than those that are. I didn't think it was that controversial.

YouJustDoYou · 08/07/2019 11:37

Yes, I settled, purely because I knew he'd be a good dad to them, whatever happened between us. I had a shit, horrible childhood. I'm autistic, and the world is difficult for me to navigate. But I'm in my housecave with my wonderful kids and husband comes and goes and we're good friends. I don't regret it at all. I chose children over being alone, and I will never regret that.

YouJustDoYou · 08/07/2019 11:38

Does it suit me? You bet it doesWill it suit you? Only you can know

Exactly. What works for one won't for another, and that's fine.

KylieKoKo · 08/07/2019 11:38

@riotlady

I think it’s cruel to knowingly settle- you are essentially tricking someone into marrying you and having kids with you, by misleading them about how you feel.

I agree with this and I think it's quite arrogant - like you believe that you are too good for your partner but are willing to put up with them so you can have the children you want.

Have the people that settled told their partners they feel like this?

boosterrooster · 08/07/2019 12:01

@KylieKoKo
You can be assured that just as many men settle as women do. It works both ways and often suits both parties. I know that's the case for me and for other couples I know.
There's no arrogance involved. It's more a case of not being entirely sure that that person is definitely "the one" or thinking that most likely there is someone better out there for you but not risking wasting your child bearing years while you wait for someone better.

KylieKoKo · 08/07/2019 12:07

@boosterrooster I don't doubt that men do it too. I think that if both partners are aware that it is an arrangement to have children then it's fine. I get that the desire to have children can be stronger than the desire to find love and so in cases like this it would make sense prioritize that. But then why the pretense of it being a romantic thing? Why not just co-parent together?

The idea of one person thinking it is true love and other knowing that it isn't doesn't seem right to me.

boosterrooster · 08/07/2019 13:20

Men do it too, trust me. I'm married to one. And I know of at least 2 other men who have done the same. Many man out there also want the whole marriage, house, kids package and end up settling as, like us, they're afraid that time will run out or that they won't get the chance again. They're just not as vocal about it as women are. I know men who in their late 30's now and panicking as all of their friends are married and starting families, and I can totally see one or 2 of them settling for women that they are not 100% suited to just so as they can have kids.

In an ideal world we'd all marry and live happily ever after with our soul mate...but it doesn't always work out that way unfortunately

AriadneesWeb · 08/07/2019 14:24

The idea of marriage being based on love is a fairly recent phenomenon. It’s only in the last couple of hundred years that people have married for love. Prior to that it was seen as a business contract, a way to gain stability and strengthen bonds between families, and to produce children. Some cultures still practice this sort of marriage - marrying for love is in many ways still a Western idea.

I don’t see anything wrong with two people building a financially stable home with children and a respectable spouse to take care of each other. So they’re not madly in love - so what? Should they be alone and childless because they weren’t fortunate enough to meet someone they were madly in love with?

Robin2323 · 08/07/2019 18:51

I did marry for love.
I always said I would.

With regards to children I would have gone with what my husband wanted.

Not because I'm a door mat but because for me, children need 2 parents that love each other.

As it turned out I had 2 wonderful children.

BUT I wouldn't have settled to get them.

I was blessed and that my lucky stars every day :

Robin2323 · 08/07/2019 18:54

Thank my lucky stars.

toottootchuggachugga · 08/07/2019 19:32

No but I would have done. I was lucky, I suppose. But then I'd grown out of the idea of a big romance by the time I met DH, and was able to see a love that could go the distance-no butterflies but a steady, ever-deepening feeling of rightness. 10 years and 1 dc in I know I'd have fallen out of 'love' with a partner who didn't support me/pull their weight/bored me, however hot things were to begin with.

Catsbooksandflowers · 08/07/2019 19:34

My view on this is different.

I’ve seen plenty of friends ‘settle’ for men who are kind, decent and good family men.

They may not have been in love at the start, but they are now, as husband and wife and parents of their children.

HorridHenrysNits · 08/07/2019 21:39

How long are you tending to give blokes before deciding there isn't a spark? I think sometimes it can take time to develop. Obviously there are times when you're clearly not at all suited and its obvious immediately, but I think sometimes, if you know you're on the lookout, it can be worth giving it a bit of time.

SlinkyDogDash · 08/07/2019 22:21

I settled for a man who was a decent character, reliable and sensible. I thought he was a good prospect as a partner and father. I naively thought my fondness and affection for him was enough and I craved the stability I thought he offered, which I had lacked throughout my life.

Sadly he lost interest in me in time, perhaps he wasnt feeling a spark either, he said he didnt love me. We co parent our kids well but I'm a single mum now. I'm glad I 'settled' as I love my kids, but I suppose the relationship doesnt always work out.

I do think the 'Hollywood' portrayal that you will meet your soulmate, be in love forever blah blah is nonsense for most people. Most married friends in their 40s like their spouses, however some are in love, some cheat, some cant stand the other.

jellyanni · 08/07/2019 23:13

So glad I’ve just found this thread!
I had a history of dating toxic unless men who I was crazy for before I met my DP. We’ve only been together a year but get along well, he is loving, kind, caring, honest, respectful, comes from a good family, good job and wants to get married and have children. He’s brought out the best in me and I’ve done the same for him. I’m 29 and we are planning on trying for a baby next year after my 30th and although I love my DP I sometimes feel like I’m settling as there are no fireworks just steady love but after such a terrible history with dating toxic men I never know if I’m actually settling or if this is what a stable relationship feels like. We have the same goals and ambitions in life and share the same values so untimely I think that’s what matters most as anything else can and will change over time but shared values never will.

groundanchochillipowder · 09/07/2019 04:10

I don’t see anything wrong with two people building a financially stable home with children and a respectable spouse to take care of each other. So they’re not madly in love - so what? Should they be alone and childless because they weren’t fortunate enough to meet someone they were madly in love with?

Spot on!

Jabbercocky · 09/07/2019 07:38

My partner settled.
I always prioritised a happy, fulfilling and authentic relationship over children - she apparently thought the opposite.
I love my children but I wish I’d never had them or met their mother because my entire life feels like a fraudulent charade - a devastating blow to my self-esteem that can never be recovered from and I mourn the lost years of this relationship that I will never get back.
Settling without being upfront about it is basically luring a person into a lifetime of misery, so do think carefully before committing such a grotesque act of dishonesty because it sort of permanently ruins another person from the inside and definitely excludes you from the ‘nice person club’ for life.

Munhu · 09/07/2019 07:52

I don’t see anything wrong with two people building a financially stable home with children and a respectable spouse to take care of each other. So they’re not madly in love - so what? Should they be alone and childless because they weren’t fortunate enough to meet someone they were madly in love with?

This is fine as long as both partners know that it isn't 'true love'. Pretending that you're madly in love with your partner just so you can use them for your own gain is awful whichever way you cut.

Catsbooksandflowers · 09/07/2019 07:55

That would be true if love was something that was quantifiable or measurable.

It isn’t. Different people show it in different ways and it wanes and it comes and goes.

As I’ve said, I have friends who haven’t been madly in love with their partners at the start but that love has grown and strengthened over the years.

Munhu · 09/07/2019 08:05

Love isn't quantifiable but that post (like most other posts on this thread) was about settling for someone you know you're not madly in love with because they have qualities that you think would make them a good parent for your future children.

I think it's cruel to use someone as a means to an end in this way, especially if they're 'madly in love' and under the impression that you are too. You're free to disagree.

Guavaf1sh · 09/07/2019 08:15

Totally agree - settling for someone is cruel and deprived a person from finding someone who genuinely loves them. Then divorcing them after you’ve had children as you’ve fallen for ‘the one’ is the height of arrogance. It’s not a human right to have the perfect partner - you’re not perfect either.

Blobby10 · 09/07/2019 08:33

I settled, married for 20 years, 3 amazing and wonderful children, now divorced. Would I do it again? Yes if it meant I could have the same 3 children! They are the only bit of being married that made it worthwhile as even when we were newly weds, I couldn't imagine being with him for the rest of my life. We realised that, once the kids were older teens and didn't need so much active parenting, that we didn't actually enjoy each other's company - we mutually agreed to split before one or both of us had an affair.

MMmomDD · 09/07/2019 10:13

I think this thread clearly shows why the institution of marriage is in such flux now....
The romantic love (‘madly in love’, etc) was never part of the concept of marriage when it was created. It was originally an economic construct to protect assets and raise offsprings.
Romantic love existed outside of it. In parallel.
These day - expectation for some is that all of these needs are filled within marriage. And hence - nothing less than that would do...

But it doesn’t necessarily work that way for all. For me - my ‘mad loves’ were just that. Mad. Made me so so happy at times and unhappy at others. Were NOT something that could bring any stability needed to raise a family.

So I married someone with whom I didn’t have the crazy emotional oscillations. I wanted a partner to build a family with. Not a Romeo.