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Original poster

Did you settle because you wanted children? Was it the best idea?

86 replies

summersadness1 · 07/07/2019 16:04

I date and have met many men who wanted to settle down. I am happy alone and unless it's amazing then I lose interest. obviously I know it wont be amazing all the time, but hopefully you get what I mean..i suppose Im looking for that deep love. BUT, I know not everyone finds that and that is just how life is.

I want kids a lot. I do not want them alone. should I settle? the men I date are generally decent, kind people. they just don't set my world alight. If anyone has done this I would be interested to hear if you think it is a good idea. maybe more people settle than I think.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 07/07/2019 19:48

I fell in love with DH totally. I was absolutely mad about him & he has been so good for me. I married him after nearly six years & we're married just over six years. We're a week away from having our 3rd child. Do I wake up happy he exists? No. Sometimes I really wish he didn't! I think we both take each other for granted and we're in a mad phase with small kids but I do know I wouldnt like to be doing this with anyone else & I know he's devoted to me & the kids & I'm 100% committed to him & our family. Helps that we get on great with the wider families & have a nice relationship. We've no money worries & both have a large, long standing circle of friends, independent of one another and we get on well with each other's friends.

We don't get out a whole lot and definitely don't prioritise quality time together but we each pull our weight & for the most part, I feel like we're on the same team.

I hope to get back some of the passion & spontaneity in a few years.

I guess my point is, even if you start off absolutely head over heels and achieve that 'deep love', it develops & ebbs & flows & there are no guarantees.

KylieKoKo · 07/07/2019 19:51

I think a lot of cheating and affairs happen because people settle and then meet someone they actually like. I wonder how much respect people who knowingly settle have for their partners.

I'd be horrified if my dp thought he as settling for me and astounded by his arrogance.

Ginger1982 · 07/07/2019 19:55

I think perhaps you are setting yourself up for failure by losing interest quickly if it isn't 'amazing.' We're sold a Hollywood version of what true love should be and it rarely is what they say. There are many male celebs that make my groin twitch. When I met DH he didn't do that for me initially. It was a slow burn and I was attracted to, and fell in love with, his kindness, his family values, his amazing eyes and how much he seemed to care about me.

The sex has improved so much over the years we've been together as we've gotten to know each other. It wasn't the clothes ripping passion in the beginning that some women feel you need to have but now, I wouldn't want sex with anyone else.

I love seeing how he is with DS. The two of them together melt my heart. He is so protective and loving towards both of us and is the best friend I could ever wish for.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that what you might consider 'settling' actually becomes the best relationship you could ever want but you're missing that possibility by giving up on someone too soon because you're not feeling what you think you should.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/07/2019 19:56

Just remember that when you have kids they are half his.

boosterrooster · 07/07/2019 20:55

Yes. We both did although have never fully admitted it to each other. At least 2 other friends of mine have settled also and as per another poster, their "settlements" have ended up being far worse than mine. They cannot stand their OH's and are miserable.
There's all sorts of lies, affairs and crappy betrayals going on.

My DH is a good Dad, contributes his share financially and we just coast along. Rarely do things as a couple, would prefer to go out with our separate friends instead. No sex life. Hasn't been much action for about 3 years except for when we were trying to conceive our children. I work shift work so we're like passing ships a lot of the time which helps. It's fine at the moment, do-able but I expect we'll go our separate ways at some point. Or he'll have another affair, either or.

I was insecure when we got together. I had been in another long, fun, exciting, sex filled relationship for 10 years. My first big love and it was amazing! So feel like I've had that big epic, movie style love experience already. When that ended I hated being on my own and missed having someone so I settled for DH, and then 30's hit and broodiness kicked in so I stayed put and married him.

If you do settle, make sure you keep your friends, financial independence and any interests that you have. Don't become dependent on him. You seem quite realistic though and like someone who could make it work

Snoopertrooper · 07/07/2019 21:08

I settled for my wife. I had been married to someone who cheated on me then had a relationship with someone where the passion and sex was mind blowing. It came
with a hell of a lot of drama though and when we fizzled out, I went safety first next time. My wife is a lovely person and to be honest deserves someone better than having been “settled for” I didn’t think about it much at the time but as I get older I do. We are still together 20 years on and have a child together but the passion is missing.

I would personally say don’t settle because it can eat away at you and it’s not really fair on the other party.

PaterPower · 07/07/2019 21:10

Will you be telling your “lucky” man that you’re settling for him?

Do you think he’ll thank you, 6-7 years later when you decide you’ve had what you needed from him and you’ve started the divorce / separation?

NataliaOsipova · 07/07/2019 21:11

I think a lot of cheating and affairs happen because people settle and then meet someone they actually like.

I think this is spot on.

Echobelly · 07/07/2019 21:16

Maybe slightly... we both agree we're not necessarily the greatest loves we ever could have had, but we've been together 16 years (married 12) with kids and honestly, in that whole time I have never even remotely met another bloke and thought 'I'd rather be with him than Mr Echo', and after all this time, if I were to, I'd think 'Ho hum, too late now, if I'd waited for this guy I might never had had my wonderful kids'

But it depends on your personality. I am very pragmatic and unromantic, waiting for The One was never going to be for me, but for some people nothing less is right for them or would work for them.

TealGreenBalloons · 07/07/2019 21:46

Maybe slightly... we both agree we're not necessarily the greatest loves we ever could have had

This seems such a sad situation to be in. I can't imagine having that conversation with someone and still wanting to stay with them/them with me. I'd be devastated if my husband even thought he'd settled in any way let alone voiced that.

Inawholeofdoom82 · 07/07/2019 21:51

In full agreement with Extra. Really good advice there OP.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 22:00

I think a lot of cheating and affairs happen because people settle and then meet someone they actually like.

What self-serving nonsense.
As far as I'm aware, divorce no longer requires a public court case and newspaper write-ups, so there's always that more respectful option open to the dissatisfied spouse. Cheaters cheat because they enjoy winning and getting one over on other people. That's it. Nothing to do with having settled. Everything to do with the eternal fraught competition that is their life.

motherofcats81 · 07/07/2019 22:04

I'm having a kid on my own right now, I'd rather do that and then find someone who I'm not settling for rather than being rushed into grabbing someone before my time runs out and then being tied to them for life.

I don't regret that decision one bit, I did marry someone for a short time briefly but unhappily and it absolutely wouldn't have been worth the ongoing unhappiness just to have a child in a more traditional set up.

Some people do think it's worth settling evidently but I see so many women around me unhappy and frustrated with the parenting contribution even of "good" partners, personally I am very happy to be going it alone. If you do settle, make sure it is with someone you really genuinely like and get on with and think you will be happy co-parenting for life with, because having a child with someone means you will be tied to them forever more.

boosterrooster · 07/07/2019 22:39

@motherofcats81 I so admire your bravery! Best of luck with everything. I bet you'll meet someone amazing Smile

MMmomDD · 07/07/2019 22:57

I’d not think of it as settling.
But i’d seriously advise you to think about the expectation or ‘amazing’ that you have created for your partner.
It might be an unreasonably high bar you have set.
If you haven’t ever met anyone who approached that definition - than the issue is less the men around you and more the setup of that bar.

If you want kids - you need to be pragmatic at your age. Pick a partner - not a prince from a Disney movie. Decide what you want from a partner and pick the best one out of the ones around you.

It’s all fine and well for the people to say - don’t settle and wait for the One. But you might end up sans the One and unable to have kids in a few years time.

None of the women on this thread regret having their kids. I don’t either.
Some of us ‘settled’ and built strong relationships that are happy. Some divorced. Some who married the One are still happy. Some are miserable. Lots of outcomes are possible for the relationships.
But our kids are here and make us happy.
If you want kids - don’t miss our on having them because of a romance novel idea of the way ‘amazing’ should feel.

crestar · 07/07/2019 23:00

Lovely to read all the comments from the selfish brigade again.

I get what I want, then get out.

clpsmum · 07/07/2019 23:04

Yes I settled for a guy that was nice enough, work hard enough and thought I would be a good dad. We are separated now and he's making my life hell and turns out he's a pretty shjt dad to boot!

clpsmum · 07/07/2019 23:07

@crestar bit harsh and not necessarily the case. I didn't actually realised until we separated that I had actually settled. I knew when I might him he didn't light up my life but told myself it's because real life isn't like that, that's for movies etc. I no realise that I did settle but it certainly wasn't a case of getting what I want and getting out. Single mum to 3dc with a stbxh making life as difficult as possible definitely isn't what I wanted!

Aroundtheworldandback · 07/07/2019 23:08

Decent and kind counts for a hell of a lot to start with. Give each one time and see if feelings and respect grow. If not move on, if yes you won’t be settling.

motherofcats81 · 07/07/2019 23:11

Ah thanks @boosterrooster!

OralBElectricToothbrush · 08/07/2019 00:09

Lovely to read all the comments from the selfish brigade again.

I get what I want, then get out.

He got kids he wants, too, it takes two to make them Hmm Pretty smug of some to proclaim that if you don't get The Perfect Set Up then you go without kids whilst they, the Perfect Ones, get to have them.

DearLady · 08/07/2019 00:25

I didn’t settle. I met my guy at 36. Married, no kids.
If I’d really wanted kids, I would have married either of the steady guys I met before him. Both had money, good jobs, we clicked personality-wise. But “it” just wasn’t there... Neither of them has kids now, either.
Or I could have just got pregnant with either of the bad boys I went out with back then, and had a kid on my own. They wouldn’t have got involved or provided for a child.
However, I wanted to be married to someone cool, more than I wanted kids. Of course we tried to have a child, but it didn’t work out for us...

Hoolihan · 08/07/2019 00:36

Yes I did. I do sometimes wish I had hung on longer for 'the one' but I don't know if that really exists, anyway. I have two wonderful kids and our marriage is ok. He loves me a lot and is a good dad. I think we will ultimately stay together.

1300cakes · 08/07/2019 00:45

I settled to have kids, and don't regret it. He's a nice man and we have a nice life together (paid for by me, before any starts saying user/gold digger).

It's not so simple as "wait for perfect man to come along". We are humans, no one is perfect.

Totally agree with OneMoreForExtra. I've also seen friends who "found the one", whose marriages seem terrible. Some have split, some haven't.

Also for pp above who says you have to be in love to have children. I actually found the opposite. We found having children easy, in the sense that it didn't cause a big change in the relationship. I've known others whose pre kid life was all about being totally in love with each other, going on dates, sex from chandeliers every night, and they found it really hard to adjust. They fell out of that kind of love on the spot basically, and had to mourn its loss.

dragonflyflew · 08/07/2019 00:48

I did kinda settle because I wanted children and stability which I’d never had in my life. I was 34 when I met my exh , now I’m nearly 47, and a single mum of two.
I couldn’t sustain the unhappiness at having settled.
The positive is that we co-parent pretty well.