Did you settle because you wanted children? Was it the best idea?

[summersadness1]

I date and have met many men who wanted to settle down. I am happy alone and unless it's amazing then I lose interest. obviously I know it wont be amazing all the time, but hopefully you get what I mean..i suppose Im looking for that deep love. BUT, I know not everyone finds that and that is just how life is.

I want kids a lot. I do not want them alone. should I settle? the men I date are generally decent, kind people. they just don't set my world alight. If anyone has done this I would be interested to hear if you think it is a good idea. maybe more people settle than I think.

Fell in love so hard, we adored each other, roses romance holidays you name it...
He wanted children , so we did...
Children came, children take time and love away, or so he said...
Suddenly he feels he is not do loved... He left...
Find someone you like, someone me you can imagine still amusing you in twenty years when the sex is down to three times a year....friendship can last....

MMmomDD, same here.

I had a lot of fun in my heyday, mad love, heartache, wild times. And I’m glad I had them...
DH doesn’t make my fanjo go funny, or my heart flip. He makes me laugh, gets my mind ticking & gives me a warm fuzzy felling inside.
And I wouldn’t call that settling.

I chose to have children by myself as I didn't want to to settle and Street years of dating hasn't met anyone i liked that much. Best thing I ever did!

It's just so more complicated than "I settled" or "I didn't settle".

There is a thread on active now about a women who says she is so in love with her DH, and they laugh so much together - but he doesn't lift a finger around the house, doesn't even get the TV remote for himself instead orders her to bring it (!), doesn't drive and is in massive debt. She's basically his slave but they're in love so it's fine? Compared to a couple who aren't so passionate but get along and work well together. Who is in the better situation and will have the lasting and happier marriage?

Or what if you are in love, but the spark fades a bit? (like happens in all relationships). Do you have to leave immediately or it's settling?

To me settling just means you find happiness in a real life relationship rather than waiting for a fairy tale.

My friend did this, I believe. She tried dating sites, nothing seemed to go anywhere. She desperately wanted kids so accidentally got pregnant with her holiday fling. She was very lucky that he wanted her to keep the baby and eventually they got married. He is a wonderful bloke but I think she knew she had to do something to have children quickly. They have their issues, he doesn't set her world alight, no ambition etc but a great dad and supportive husband and she is happy now.

It depends on what you mean by settle. For many people, settling seems to be anything that's not a Hollywood romance. Life dosent work like that! Relationships take time and work.

I adore my DH. We are kind and loving to each other and have a great partnership. He has so many good qualities, and there's no one else I'd rather spend my life with or be a parent to my kids. I still find him attractive after 22 years together.

But I wouldn't use the words 'soulmate' or 'the one' or 'fireworks' about him. Does that mean I settled? I don't think so. (But I guess some people might think so?) Does it mean that I'm a pragmatist rather than a romantic? Yes, I expect so.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's something in between 'settling' and 'soulmate'. Someone you love and respect but doesn't 'set your world on fire' (whatever that means anyway!).

Pineapplefish you didn’t settle. I have a marriage like yours and it’s definitely one I would want for my dd.

Aroundtheworldandback I agree - I would want this for my DD too.

I agree with this and I think it's quite arrogant - like you believe that you are too good for your partner but are willing to put up with them so you can have the children you want.

This.

So, to get married with neither party wanting children, is just, 'play acting.' We're not really serious about each other - apparently. We're not a real couple - mmmkay.

But 'settling' for someone either married or not, just to start or complete a family is ok ? Yes/No ?

Don't really care about how relationship break up affects the kids, because it was all about the adults/parents all along.

Children are a vanity project IMO.

I think for my DW the marriage, and children was much more important to her than who the DH was.

But this was not because of a ticking biological clock, but more a desperation to experience a "normal" family dynamic, having grown up in a severely dysfunctional dynamic.

I think to her I am a steady influence, and provide emotional consistency. It's not always obvious to me whether she sees more than that in me.

Our DCs are amazing though, so I don't regret how I've got here.