Things at home have been very tense since having DS who is 1 year old. DH has not pulled his weight mentally and emotionally at all since DC2. I have had to deal with huge pressures with the children who both have allergies. DH has slept in the spare room much of the time so as "not to disturb" me as I was breastfeeding and needed my sleep.
We were certain we would need to separate and were barely on speaking terms for months. DH would not communicate with me at all and my pleas for help fell of deaf ears, to the point I would cry in frustration. He wanted to continue his hobbies as normal and would say things like "just because you can't go out, it doesn't mean I can't." Leave me with poorly kids to take care of and just please himself etc...
The result has been huge mental health issues for me, to the point I was frightened about what might happen to me.
Things over the last few weeks have been better as DH has really made a lot of effort to be more supportive after witnessing me reach my lowest ebb.
Today however, DH told me that DD accused him of being lazy for not helping her with something and said "mummy says you are." She must have overheard a conversation between us when things were tough a couple of months ago.
He is furious and has told me I am not to ever call him things like that infront of DD again. I have said that I haven't done so in the last few weeks and not since being so frustrated and desperate for his help as I was a few months ago. I tried to explain that I was immensely frustrated and that he was not pulling his weight when DD overheard me tell him he was lazy. I have also explained to DD that her father does a lot for her and certainly was not being lazy for not giving her what she wants.
He says there is no excuse and I need to apologise to him. I get I need to avoid saying things like that infront of DD, but he will not acknowledge the fact that he WAS being so incredibly lazy and selfish and that I was so desperate for his help and commitment to our family. I was an absolute state and that he also needs to take responsibility for DD overhearing me call him lazy too and that this doesn't just fall on me.
He refuses to take any of that on board and says that if I think it is acceptable to refer to him as being lazy infront of DD then we are over. He has been sulking all day.
I get it isn't acceptable to argue infront of the children, but I can not get him to see that his behaviour has been so incredibly selfish and lazy at times over the last year or so that it has pushed me to say things and behave in ways that may be aren't acceptable out of sheer frustration. Also, I don't want DD thinking I've been behaving like some crazy stressed out lunatic for no reason... her father has been lazy and selfish. And that it is not really acceptable.
I feel I've insulted his ego and he wants DD to see him as faultless. And yet DD has seen me in such a state this last year because basically, I haven't been coping. He has not given me the support that has been needed.
What is the answer? Please be kind, I'm still not in the strongest of places at the moment.