What DD said to DH

[Bookwormm]

Things at home have been very tense since having DS who is 1 year old. DH has not pulled his weight mentally and emotionally at all since DC2. I have had to deal with huge pressures with the children who both have allergies. DH has slept in the spare room much of the time so as "not to disturb" me as I was breastfeeding and needed my sleep.

We were certain we would need to separate and were barely on speaking terms for months. DH would not communicate with me at all and my pleas for help fell of deaf ears, to the point I would cry in frustration. He wanted to continue his hobbies as normal and would say things like "just because you can't go out, it doesn't mean I can't." Leave me with poorly kids to take care of and just please himself etc...

The result has been huge mental health issues for me, to the point I was frightened about what might happen to me.

Things over the last few weeks have been better as DH has really made a lot of effort to be more supportive after witnessing me reach my lowest ebb.

Today however, DH told me that DD accused him of being lazy for not helping her with something and said "mummy says you are." She must have overheard a conversation between us when things were tough a couple of months ago.

He is furious and has told me I am not to ever call him things like that infront of DD again. I have said that I haven't done so in the last few weeks and not since being so frustrated and desperate for his help as I was a few months ago. I tried to explain that I was immensely frustrated and that he was not pulling his weight when DD overheard me tell him he was lazy. I have also explained to DD that her father does a lot for her and certainly was not being lazy for not giving her what she wants.

He says there is no excuse and I need to apologise to him. I get I need to avoid saying things like that infront of DD, but he will not acknowledge the fact that he WAS being so incredibly lazy and selfish and that I was so desperate for his help and commitment to our family. I was an absolute state and that he also needs to take responsibility for DD overhearing me call him lazy too and that this doesn't just fall on me.

He refuses to take any of that on board and says that if I think it is acceptable to refer to him as being lazy infront of DD then we are over. He has been sulking all day.

I get it isn't acceptable to argue infront of the children, but I can not get him to see that his behaviour has been so incredibly selfish and lazy at times over the last year or so that it has pushed me to say things and behave in ways that may be aren't acceptable out of sheer frustration. Also, I don't want DD thinking I've been behaving like some crazy stressed out lunatic for no reason... her father has been lazy and selfish. And that it is not really acceptable.

I feel I've insulted his ego and he wants DD to see him as faultless. And yet DD has seen me in such a state this last year because basically, I haven't been coping. He has not given me the support that has been needed.

What is the answer? Please be kind, I'm still not in the strongest of places at the moment.

You deserve a lot better. And I think you're absolutely right about this:

Also, I don't want DD thinking I've been behaving like some crazy stressed out lunatic for no reason... her father has been lazy and selfish. And that it is not really acceptable.

You would be doing her a great disservice to start spinning her lies and confusing her with his manipulative version. It is absolutely right that you as her mother are clear with her that his behaviour is not acceptable - otherwise you would normalise it and she would copy it or accept being treated the same way.

If I've read your posts correctly, he's basically been on best behaviour for a few weeks and has now engineered a situation to kick off and revert to his previous appalling behaviour?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He shouldn’t be letting you get to your lowest like this. I am divorcing my husband for putting me in similar state . That’s not love and it is dangerous for your mental health and therefore for his children. He only cared about their opinion of him,

Separate. At least that way when he has the kids for access you'll get a break and he'll realise what a lazy fucker he has been up to now when he has to look after them by himself and realise the work that goes into actual parenting. As for apologising, to hell with that. He was a lazy asshole up to recently so he can't be pissed off about your dd telling the truth. I'd tell him it's enough to have to deal with 2 small kids, you don't need another one sulking in the background (i.e. Him!)

Well he shouldn't have been lazy then. He doesn't deserve an apology, he needs to get over it.

Part of the issue of separation is having to leave them with him for long periods. He's wonderful when all is well, but does not meet their needs easily when all is not. Although the break for me would be a huge bonus.

If he is upset that his DD thinks he is lazy maybe he could do a bit more hey?! Normally I'm all for united front, but can't shed a tear for a man that has basically pushed you to the brink because he can't be arsed.

His self awareness is somewhat different from reality too. He genuinely believes he is not at all lazy; the complete opposite. So he gets completely insulted if I say that he is.

I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like this man hasn't really accepted that he was acting like a lazy bastard and is sorry about it. All he cares about is looking good in front of his child, rather than acknowledging that children understand much more than people give them credit for.

I would move ahead with the separation, to be honest.

Your husband is a selfish arse, I am so sorry. If you weren't so exhausted you'd be able to see it more clearly. You are in no way responsible for his mood - if he didn't want your DD to call him lazy he shouldn't have pushed you to the point he did.

It might seem tough but if he really is that selfish you may be better off without him. Seriously. Also it will be a shock how much his hobbies/pub visits are affected when he doesn't have you to dump rely on.

I could suggest more practical things (agreeing a rota/approach for when kids are ill etc up front) but it doesn't sound like he'd listen anyway.

So sorry

Also, please don't stay in a marriage because you're worried about how he will cope with the children on his own. He'll manage (either on his own or with help).

When my 2 DDs were small, this was my life almost to the letter, except there was never a time when my H stepped up. There was no respite. My DD aged about 3 asked me "Mummy why IS Daddy so lazy?" If ever he lost his temper he would say to me that I should explain to the DCs that he didn't mean it and it wasn't his fault. My DD also said to me "Mummy when I grow up I am going to be cross and sad like you".

H continued to do as little as possible for 18 years and DDs are still saying these things to me - a couple of weeks ago I explained on here that youngest DD said "Mum I've never seen you happy". I stuck around, worried about splitting for all those years. They seen us row constantly, H has no filter, if he wants to say it he will. I remember when they were small every weekend was spent with me pleading with him to get out of bed so we could go swimming or for a day out he'd promised them - sometimes he'd get up at nearly noon and start making a large breakfast and when I challenged him he'd start shouting "so I'm not entitled to a bit of breakfast in my own house now?!" Every night he'd stay up till 2am watching films he'd seen 20 times, then say he couldn't get up as he was too tired - even now he'll sit on the edge of the bed at 8am going "I'm sick with tiredness" over and over.

I need to stop typing now as I could tell you stories about his behaviour till I am blue in the face - but I would, if I thought it might save you from the same life I have had. Now I am hoping to split this year - its still not quite the right time, DDs still need support etc., but I really fucked up OP.

If you leave when your kids are small, it can all be worked out, it is easier on them. Everyone is saying this waves big red flags. What are your options?

I get I need to avoid saying things like that infront of DD,
But you already did.

but he will not acknowledge the fact that he WAS being so incredibly lazy and selfish and that I was so desperate for his help and commitment to our family. I was an absolute state and that he also needs to take responsibility for DD overhearing me call him lazy too and that this doesn't just fall on me.

Actually he doesn’t need to take responsibility for DD hearing YOU saying something. He may well be a lazy, you may well bitch about him to that effect to anyone who cares to listen. BUT it is your responsibility to make sure you can’t be overheard by DD when you rant about him.

You don’t sound happy with him so despite the above issue maybe it’s worth thinking about if you want to spend the next couple of decades bringing up kids with this bloke. I would say that separation sounds the best solution tbh.

Actually he doesn’t need to take responsibility for DD hearing YOU saying something. He may well be a lazy, you may well bitch about him to that effect to anyone who cares to listen. BUT it is your responsibility to make sure you can’t be overheard by DD when you rant about him.

Yeah like that is the most important thing that is happening in this family.

If my child said "daddy thinks you can be mean" and I was being mean I would focus on why I was being mean and how to stop it - not on the inappropriateness of my long-suffering husband actually saying something in front of my child. He should take responsibility for his actions and stop focusing on yours.

HOnestly, I wouldn't apologise. If his ego is more important than the truth of what he was like during that long period of time, then your relationship is likely doomed anyway. He really does need to grow the fuck up if this is the hill he wants to die on.

Tell him you won't be apologising for the desperate conversation you had with him. It's his fault you had to have it in the first place. And he can decide for himself if he's going to make his recent change permanent or not so it will never be an issue again.

Divorce for me was life changing. Every other weekend off and 1/2 the holidays and the added bonus being without him and of just doing stuff. No negotiation, explaining etc. Basically no waste of time and energy.

Typical inadequate man, fails you spectacularly and his precious ego can't bear it when you have the audacity to point it out.

He ignored your pleas for support and let you get to rock bottom before he started acting like a decent human being. That's unforgivable IMO.

I hope you have support from other people - family, friends, counsellor??

You didn't call him lazy in front of dd or to dd, you told him he was lazy. You said it to him. DD overheard. He was there too; why, then, is it so totally your responsibiliy to ensure she doesn't hear you arguing and not his responsibility? He hasn't changed one bit has he?

If he wanted his children to see him as faultless then he needs to behave faultlessly.

My dh was just the same. 20 years later and he's quite good. Not the greatest marriage, fairly crappy life really. Do something different to what I did.

dd has associate him doing something wrong with a word that describes.well done her really.
if this continues.if your unhappy.she will see it.we always do.whethr you try and hide it or not we always see it.and grow up resenting him and feeling like hes an utter shit for not stepping up or for using other forms of control or shitty beahviour even when he did(sometimes)(for short periouds before reverting to type)
and we see mum tired miserable or arguing.and we get old enough to find our own words and shut the door on the both of you.
dont protect your daughter by staying.if it is getting to the point of no return and only you honestly know that then protect her by showing her its not ok to accept this.

Children say all sorts of silly things all day. The reason he is so angry is because it's true and in his heart he's knows this. Otherwise he would have ignored it.

I would just say you will not apologise for speaking the truth and that the best way for your daughter not to think that he is lazy is by taking an equal share of the work.

I would also point out that children aren't fools. They don't need it pointing out to them which parent is really there for them and which one is not. They know it before they even know the words to say it.

If he wants to be the person who is really there for his children, he needs to put in a shift or two.

You wouldn't want your DD to stay with a man who would let her hit rock bottom and then pull his thumb out. Be glad she's recognised that what he did to you isn't right.

ok ,you have choices...-dd is old enough to a)recognise "lazy" (by your definition)and b)quote/exampleso.what would dd be told is she was behaving in such a fashion? do that?// unless its time out chair theory,cos daddy went done that himself...
you could go say "babe,I'm sorry-I shouldn't have reacted to your shit behaviour so dd picked up on another example of it ,never mind had ability to vocalise it. ..lets make sure it never happens again.give bj/cuppa tea-whatever as submission peace offering?
you could yell "haw,you.getaway from the car"whilst standing at the window..sir huffypants with all his testosterone by rights should be inclined to at least ask what the hell youre yelling for(why fi diddily dee theres someone trying to open car door)or auto go outside to ..do whatever ..giving you ample opportunity to chuck the keys,and a change of clothes out n tell him its your weekend too. ..then take time to decide whatchu want.he'll either go and stay gone..or step up. take back your life.you don't have to "put up"with shit ever. one life,lots of love.hope wee ones feel better x

As you have experienced, children learn from watching their parents.
Do you want yours to look at your marriage and think that this is normal?

He has asked you to decide the future of the marriage with his ultimatum and his sulk.

Has he apologised for the effect on DD of his laziness and lack of loving concern for you or by extension the children - that she saw you sink to your lowest?

If it is possible at all for you to divorce - financially and in terms of having somewhere to live - I would honestly seriously consider it. He can get up to speed with the children's care on his EOW visitation. Or lose that privilege. Your children are not always going to need the constant care and attention that they need now.

This man is more concerned about his fragile ego than about anyone or anythign else. He is completely disengaged from the relationship.

He engineered this fight for some reason.

If I read this right, he volunteered to sleep on the couch so you could breastfeed, etc?

And he has insisted on his hobbies that take him out of the house, and goes to the pub once a month?

Quite honestly, I would wonder if there was someone else taking up all his energy.

It doesn’t sound like you are going to survive as a couple, nor that you should. I would apologise to him, just to keep him on board while I got my ducks in a row to leave him.

It does sound as though he’s picking a fight. He realised he needed to step up, did it, doesn’t like it and is trying to get you to be the one to end things so that he doesn’t feel like the bad guy. It really doesn’t sound like you are going to have the relationship or family life you need with this guy.

You’re worried about him not meeting their needs, but if he’s let things get to the stage where you are unable to cope even when you have him as a supposed partner, that’s not really much of an argument for staying together.

So put on a face, make him think everything is fine, pretend you appreciate the man he is, and get to a lawyer.