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Original poster

What DD said to DH

135 replies

Bookwormm · 06/07/2019 21:00

Things at home have been very tense since having DS who is 1 year old. DH has not pulled his weight mentally and emotionally at all since DC2. I have had to deal with huge pressures with the children who both have allergies. DH has slept in the spare room much of the time so as "not to disturb" me as I was breastfeeding and needed my sleep.

We were certain we would need to separate and were barely on speaking terms for months. DH would not communicate with me at all and my pleas for help fell of deaf ears, to the point I would cry in frustration. He wanted to continue his hobbies as normal and would say things like "just because you can't go out, it doesn't mean I can't." Leave me with poorly kids to take care of and just please himself etc...

The result has been huge mental health issues for me, to the point I was frightened about what might happen to me.

Things over the last few weeks have been better as DH has really made a lot of effort to be more supportive after witnessing me reach my lowest ebb.

Today however, DH told me that DD accused him of being lazy for not helping her with something and said "mummy says you are." She must have overheard a conversation between us when things were tough a couple of months ago.

He is furious and has told me I am not to ever call him things like that infront of DD again. I have said that I haven't done so in the last few weeks and not since being so frustrated and desperate for his help as I was a few months ago. I tried to explain that I was immensely frustrated and that he was not pulling his weight when DD overheard me tell him he was lazy. I have also explained to DD that her father does a lot for her and certainly was not being lazy for not giving her what she wants.

He says there is no excuse and I need to apologise to him. I get I need to avoid saying things like that infront of DD, but he will not acknowledge the fact that he WAS being so incredibly lazy and selfish and that I was so desperate for his help and commitment to our family. I was an absolute state and that he also needs to take responsibility for DD overhearing me call him lazy too and that this doesn't just fall on me.

He refuses to take any of that on board and says that if I think it is acceptable to refer to him as being lazy infront of DD then we are over. He has been sulking all day.

I get it isn't acceptable to argue infront of the children, but I can not get him to see that his behaviour has been so incredibly selfish and lazy at times over the last year or so that it has pushed me to say things and behave in ways that may be aren't acceptable out of sheer frustration. Also, I don't want DD thinking I've been behaving like some crazy stressed out lunatic for no reason... her father has been lazy and selfish. And that it is not really acceptable.

I feel I've insulted his ego and he wants DD to see him as faultless. And yet DD has seen me in such a state this last year because basically, I haven't been coping. He has not given me the support that has been needed.

What is the answer? Please be kind, I'm still not in the strongest of places at the moment.

OP posts:
breakfastpizza · 06/07/2019 23:52

Start exit planning. You and your kids deserve better.

LillithsFamiliar · 06/07/2019 23:58

I agree with PPs. Call his bluff and tell him to go. You can't build a life with someone who is constantly threatening to leave.
If he doesn't want his DD to call him lazy, he'll need to stop being lazy.
But I do agree that it's a toxic environment if you're arguing and name-calling each other. I don't think calling someone lazy has ever caused a positive upturn in behaviour.

RhubarbTea · 07/07/2019 00:00

How fucking devastating for you that when he knew he really needed to, he stepped up and did all the things you had been desperate for him to do before. He knew what you wanted and needed all along and didn't do it until you hit rock bottom. What a shit.

I very rarely say this, but I think you should allow the relationship to break down if it's headed that way as he doesn't sound like the kind of person who will ever change and really properly step up. He sounds like a sulky petulant child who can't hack the realities of parenthood. Very sadly, many men are like this and people only find out when they have kids with them. I'm so sorry.
You deserve far better than this. One plus to not having them there is that the rage you feel at them not helping goes too, because there is no expectation. It was certainly true for me. Mine parents far better apart than he ever did when we were together, and he seems to find an older child easier to deal with emotionally so it's got better with time.

Good luck, love.

VenusTiger · 07/07/2019 00:35

He needs to apologise to your DD for having made mommy so sad and leaving her to do all the parenting. Then he should stop with the separation BS as it’s making you live on the edge all the time, like a threat.
Tell him, you separate or you work as parents, together, as a team. Those are the only two choices available. No in between, no hanging around and not being supportive. It’s all or nothing. What a disgraceful life lesson he’s teaching his kids.... marriage and family isn’t a game you try out.

Original poster
Bookwormm · 07/07/2019 07:30

Just to point out, he hasn't left ALL the parenting to me. He does bathtimes, makes breakfast, dresses them, cooks for them at weekends etc. Practically,he's good when he's here. It's that he leaves the managing of everything at home to me. So all these practical things wouldn't happen without me saying...
"DH it's their bedtime now..."
"DH they can't eat that..."
"DH can you get out of bed and dress the kids..."
It's constant managing him that has completely and utterly depleted me. When he does DDs bedtime and he lets her stay up watching films because he can't be bothered to take her to bed and sits next to her playing in his phone instead. I need to do some work and need the kids in bed. It's the constant cajoling him to do everything.

If he saw this thread he would argue back with a list of things he does practically that prove he isn't lazy.

I need him to see that he CAN be lazy and that without my constant pushing, shoving, reminders and moaning, nothing would ever get done.

I remember the context of me calling him lazy now and it was when he didn't put DD to bed and lay next to her letting her watch a (scary!) Film before bed. I had to work that evening and there was a pile of dishes that needed to be washed from dinner and he just lay there. I was upset because when he has to work, the house stuff is taken care of by me, but he was delaying bedtime so that I would take care of the washing up even though I had to work. It's this sort of shitty behaviour that caused me to call him lazy. DD was upset that I switched the film off and said "daddy said I could .."
I then said infront of DD that Daddy was being lazy to not put her to bed. Also the film was one about witches eating children!! I was furious as she also had school the following day and was exhausted from late nights at the weekend.

OP posts:
Fizzysours · 07/07/2019 07:36

He's AWFUL. The part about letting her watch a SCARY movie irritates me the most. He is insensitive to her needs too. Can you get ready to move on?

blackcat86 · 07/07/2019 08:47

It's sounds like everything he does is a battle ground like trying to micromanage a teenager. No wonder you're exhausted. Would it not be easier to just do it yourself without him

Original poster
Bookwormm · 07/07/2019 09:50

I've told him I can't face more of his miserable sulking today and asked him to pack his things whilst I take the children out and then go and stay at his parents' house. For the first time, I feel serious about him leaving.

He said he would prefer us to live together bringing up the children and ignoring each other as trying to make it work between us causes more problems. Ive told him absolutely not an option to live together in misery.

He says he now wants to write yesterday off as a bad day.

OP posts:
RedSheep73 · 07/07/2019 09:55

My children have heard me mouth off about their father not pulling his weight countless times. If he ever gets sniffy about it, I tell him his options are pull his weight or get called lazy. Yes parents should show respect for each other in front if the children, but pretending the other parent is perfect when they patently aren't is not sending a good message.

kamikazeee · 07/07/2019 09:59

Now you've switched it and told him to leave he's quite happy to write it off as a bad day? Sounds like a bad day too many.

From experience, I found I coped much better as a single parent than with my ex. The thought of entering another relationship fills me with dread.

Tooner · 07/07/2019 10:00

Pfffft.....of course he now wants to write yesterday off because it hasn't gone the way he manipulated it to. This is going to be the rest of your life OP. Keep up that strength and tell him you want him gone. This is not a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Cut to the chase now and end it.

Original poster
Bookwormm · 07/07/2019 10:00

I agree totally @redsheep73 not a good message to think certain behaviours are ok.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 07/07/2019 10:02

Oh so now he wants to write it off as a bad day?! So he clearly threatens separation as a way to get you back in line, to make you let him do what he wants and stop expecting him to actually be a decent husband and father. Call his bluff.

TheInebriati · 07/07/2019 10:04

He's backpedaling, his next move will be to come up with compromises to tempt you to stay with him so he can keep you around as his whipping boy and scapegoat.

stucknoue · 07/07/2019 10:07

I'll be honest, whether it's now or in 5 years time I think you know what needs to happen. Perhaps you can find an amicable way to coparent your kids and you can move on with your life. Don't be me!

Sofasurfingsally · 07/07/2019 10:47

He said he would prefer us to live together bringing up the children and ignoring each other as trying to make it work between us causes more problems. Ive told him absolutely not an option to live together in misery.

That is what he intends to happen if he stays. He will make it so.

OliviaBenson · 07/07/2019 11:10

Of course he doesn't want to separate, he knows damn well he's got it easy while you do all the running.

Stick to your guns op. It's not healthy to bring children up living this way.

Whisky2014 · 07/07/2019 11:18

Nope nope nope. Follow through with what you've said.
Even if it is for a while maybe he will see what an arse he's been.
Otherwise, you'll accept him staying and continue this shambles of a relationship.

MilesHuntsWig · 07/07/2019 23:43

Well done you. Stay strong and do what's right for you.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2019 01:50

He said he would prefer us to live together bringing up the children and ignoring each other as trying to make it work between us causes more problems.

This is because he is too lazy to find himself a bedsit and doesn't care how such an arrangement would affect the DCs.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 08/07/2019 02:01

You really need to take him up on his 'offer' to separate. You'll find you are much happier without all this shit why are you putting yourself through it?

missyjudy · 08/07/2019 08:08

If he doesn’t want to be called lazy then he shouldn’t be lazy. You had to reach your lowest ebb for him to start helping? That’s not ok. That’s not love. That’s not a partner. I think your DD nailed it. Tough tits on him if he doesn’t like hearing the truth. Do not apologise to this man who told you he’s going out anyway even if you can’t. Yeah you could go out if he pulled his weight. He is not a good person. He’s a bully. I’d be calling his bluff and make him move out. Let him fend for himself. Imagine those lovely weekend lie ins you’ll be getting when he has to have both kids every other weekend and do everything for them. Time for him to actually be a parent

missyjudy · 08/07/2019 08:10

Can’t believe he said he’d prefer living together but ignoring each other. What? So you’re the hired house help then? Doing all the washing and cleaning and he gets to treat the place like a hotel. Nah. That ain’t gonna fly. Stick him out. Bye bye. Fend for yourself. Be interesting to see if he’s changed his tune in 6 months time

pointythings · 08/07/2019 10:32

Stand your ground and stick to your guns. Don't let him suck you back in. You've called his bluff and he is now shit scared of losing his skivvy - well, tough. You'd be so much better off without him.

DistanceCall · 08/07/2019 12:30

He said he would prefer us to live together bringing up the children and ignoring each other as trying to make it work between us causes more problems.

Of course he does. Because that would mean that you would still take care of everything while he sat on his arse enjoying the results.

He doesn't love you and he's not even a halfway decent person. Get out and stay out, OP. Don't waste your life on this fuckwit.