Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncomfortable with dh friendship with younger female colleague

93 replies

GardenGirl123 · 05/07/2019 10:20

My DH has recently struck up a friendship with a new group of colleagues. I'm really happy for him as the job is stressful and he needs some downtime.
They go out to pubs/clubs every few months and have pub lunches together during the week.
Recently though his friendship with a younger woman in the group seems to have ramped up. He talks about her a lot at home and how terrible her boyfriend is to her.
Dh has recently organised a social trip for the whole group that I can't attend but I am fine with. It is something he will enjoy and he could do with a break ( I also have things booked with my friends and he is fully supportive of this). I am really happy for him to go and do this but suddenly I feel uneasy about the two of them together. I have a feeling that her boyfriend won't turn up and he will step in to support her.
I know I'm probably being crazy but I just can't shake this uneasy feeling.
A few of the things that have made me take notice are -
On a night out they were the only two left and he walked her home and got a taxi from there. Why not get a taxi together and drop her off on the way?

He talks about her a lot at home and she is always the victim in the stories. The boss is being mean to her, her boyfriend is a dick, her best friend is taking advantage of her etc.

We had tickets for a event that I was so looking forward to but our dc were poorly and I couldn't go. I was gutted but said he shouldn't waste the opportunity to go and take a friend. He took her. It was nothing she was interested in at all, in fact big show was made of how worried she was about going but she still went.

I don't want to be a jealous, insecure wife. He is lovely, kind, funny, clever, a great dad and I love being married to him. I have no reason to suspect that he would ever cheat on me but I feel a little lost.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2019 10:38

Educate yourself about emotional affairs and how and why they happen.

You have been more than understanding up till now but enough is enough re these two carrying on in plain sight. Its making you feel lost at the very least. He is mainly at fault and should know better but she is certainly not a friend of your marriage and also owes you nothing. He needs to be told by you that what is happening here between he and she is not acceptable on a professional level either.

His friendship with this woman needs to be reined in sharpish now and if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same as you do now. Their behaviour is stepping into emotional affair territory if it is not already there (sadly you are being cheated on) and boundaries here between the two of them are being overstepped left, right and centre. He is doing his white knight/rescuer in shining armour act and she and he are lapping up the attention from each other. You are being shut out slowly but surely here.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/07/2019 10:45

I would not be happy about this either.
What does he say when you tell him you don't like it and it makes you uncomfortable?
He has what we call 'mentionitis'
That's a bad sign.
Stop being the 'cool wife' and nip this in the bud now before it gets out of hand (although I think it already has)

Whathappenedtooursummer · 05/07/2019 10:48

Invite her for tea. ...
See how they are together. Body language speaks volumes.
Yanbu to be concerned imo.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2019 10:54

And no he is not a great dad to his children if he is conducting an emotional based affair with a work colleague. He is treating you as the mother of his children with the utmost contempt and derision here.

Yukka · 05/07/2019 11:10

Yeah you need to talk to him. His priorities are you and your DCs and he should accept how it makes you feel and curb it. Group things are one thing but 121 nights out is another. It's gaining pace and he needs a sharp wake up call.

You're not being a weird wife, you being completely normal.

purpleboy · 05/07/2019 11:36

This doesn't sit well with me either. You need to talk to him honestly not accusingly and tell him how it makes you feel. If he cares about your feelings he will pull away from her. If not then you have your answer.
But you do need to be careful about the way you word it, most people get defensive when they feel they are being attacked.

Whereissummerthisyear · 05/07/2019 11:37

Er no, I would not be happy with that and definitely don’t give them extra opportunities to get together.

Original poster
GardenGirl123 · 05/07/2019 11:50

Thank you so much everyone who has taken the time to reply. It's good to know I am not alone in feeling uncomfortable with the situation.
I am going to try and speak to him tonight and stay calm and rational.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/07/2019 11:54

Dog whistle girl.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24736/beware-dog-whistle-girl/

And, yes, he's having an emotional affair ... with a very willing affair partner.

Simonfromharlow · 05/07/2019 12:01

Trust your instinct. I didn't and now I'm a single mum!

Simonfromharlow · 05/07/2019 12:05

Live that article

Simonfromharlow · 05/07/2019 12:05

Love ffs

FindaPenny · 05/07/2019 12:09

I think it's perhaps possible they aren't realising that they are going too far in their friendship, because the have the safety net of having other halves, but as the pp said mentionitis is a pretty good sign that they are getting too close.

YouJustDoYou · 05/07/2019 12:16

"Dog Whistle Girl" - oh wow, yes. That article is spot on.

Pinkmonkeybird · 05/07/2019 14:00

OMG just read the Dog Whistle Girl article....so spot on with the OW in my situation, especially playing the pathetic female.

But the answer the OP it does seem like this is a burgeoning EA. If you calmly talk to him about feeling uncomfortable and he starts getting defensive with loyalty to her...you have your answer.

user1479305498 · 05/07/2019 14:17

Ah yes, I believe I employed her at one point to work with me and H, the kind who then takes to whatsapping your partners all the time just chitchatting, asks them for little ‘help me’ favours and then when you pull them up on it makes it clear they don’t fancy them anyway so what’s the problem. I am sure some of these women do it to ‘get one over’ on other women and piss them off. OP, come right to the point now and day you feel uncomfortable with this, his reaction will tell you all you need to know

PetitTorteois · 05/07/2019 14:19

If the roles were reversed - no way I would want to hang out in a pub with a male colleague after anyone else had left - I would do my best to get home to my sexy DH asap! Also, I couldn't be asked to walk a colleague home if they could easily take a taxi. In other words, he could come home to you but he is choosing to spend time with another woman.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 05/07/2019 14:22

EA definitely

Shut that shit down asap.

It destroys marriages

ACPC · 05/07/2019 14:27

Ah he sounds very taken with her op. SorrySad Hopefully knowing your uncomfortable will give him a reality check.

HappydaysArehere · 05/07/2019 14:38

Sit him down and talk straight to him. Explain this situation is upsetting you and you have been as patient as possible but enough is enough. Be really firm and say you are not prepared to accept the situation. You have been too accommodating and he has taken advantage.

Summertimeatthebeach · 05/07/2019 14:57

Tell him she sounds great and you can't wait to meet her. Meal next Sat OK dh?
Wonder what he has told her about your relationship? See them together. And let her see you and him.
If he even let's it happen. If they are up to no good he will never let you meet....

PutyourtoponTrevor · 05/07/2019 15:00

The social trip that's being arranged, you've said you can't go ...is that by choice as you've said her partner may be going?

SMellisa · 05/07/2019 15:25

I started reading this and the worse it got at the end when he took her to use the ticket instead. That's a bit odd? I do feel if this was an affair though that he wouldn't be so verbal about her and be so open? Maybe he trusts you so much that he knows you wouldn't mind about him taking her? That's a good thing... I would speak to him you're not happy and see what he says ASAP.

MsDogLady · 05/07/2019 16:58

I agree with @HappydaysArehere. Be very firm and don’t tolerate any minimizing.

He feels entitled to chase this ego boost and they are developing emotional intimacy.

roisinagusniamh · 05/07/2019 17:02

Yup... that's the script.
The damsel in distress...the knight in shining armour.
Pair of twats !!

Swipe left for the next trending thread