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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncomfortable with dh friendship with younger female colleague

93 replies

GardenGirl123 · 05/07/2019 10:20

My DH has recently struck up a friendship with a new group of colleagues. I'm really happy for him as the job is stressful and he needs some downtime.
They go out to pubs/clubs every few months and have pub lunches together during the week.
Recently though his friendship with a younger woman in the group seems to have ramped up. He talks about her a lot at home and how terrible her boyfriend is to her.
Dh has recently organised a social trip for the whole group that I can't attend but I am fine with. It is something he will enjoy and he could do with a break ( I also have things booked with my friends and he is fully supportive of this). I am really happy for him to go and do this but suddenly I feel uneasy about the two of them together. I have a feeling that her boyfriend won't turn up and he will step in to support her.
I know I'm probably being crazy but I just can't shake this uneasy feeling.
A few of the things that have made me take notice are -
On a night out they were the only two left and he walked her home and got a taxi from there. Why not get a taxi together and drop her off on the way?

He talks about her a lot at home and she is always the victim in the stories. The boss is being mean to her, her boyfriend is a dick, her best friend is taking advantage of her etc.

We had tickets for a event that I was so looking forward to but our dc were poorly and I couldn't go. I was gutted but said he shouldn't waste the opportunity to go and take a friend. He took her. It was nothing she was interested in at all, in fact big show was made of how worried she was about going but she still went.

I don't want to be a jealous, insecure wife. He is lovely, kind, funny, clever, a great dad and I love being married to him. I have no reason to suspect that he would ever cheat on me but I feel a little lost.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 06/07/2019 13:42

Saying all that he hasn’t gone out for drinks etc with her and we both stay in a lot so I think just ignore my opinion as it’s from a very different viewpoint. Neither of us work and are around each other 24/7 with two children.

chansondematin · 06/07/2019 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginger1982 · 06/07/2019 14:49

To be honest, you've told him how it is so I think you need to step back and see what happens over the next few weeks. See if he continues to talk about her as much or if they're in situations alone together. Is he still
going on the social trip?

Justsee · 06/07/2019 14:52

Why the sudden need for DH to be involved in this friendship circle? Did he join deliberately as a way to get closer to the girl? Is she new to the company?

MsDogLady · 06/07/2019 16:39

It’s not my problem you are insecure about this.

GardenGirl, you very effectively expressed your feelings and established your boundary.

He fought for her and their relationship. He treated you with contempt. In failing to respect or care for your feelings, he put miles of distance between you.

As he did not agree to back off, I would assume that he will continue this EA. They have so many ways to get together, and you would never know. I couldn’t live that way. If my husband treated me with such disregard and contempt, I would tell him to leave to give me time and space to consider my options.

Yukka · 06/07/2019 17:35

@GardenGirl123 firstly well done, it was a difficult conversation to have but you did it. Equally from his point of view he was always going to be defensive as you're almost accusing him of something that might not be the case, but his response does come across that he was getting too friendly with this woman.

I would probs let things blow over today, give him chance to consume what you said, and tomorrow pick a moment where you can ask him whether he's thought about what you said and what does he intend to change.

You can also use this second conversation to be clear that you absolutely can't be put in a situation where your questioning his actions and trust, as that's where you are at now and it will break the relationship if it's not undone.

And any comments about your insecurity should be pointedly returned with a 'yes, of course I feel insecure as I'm worried your building feelings for another woman' most people find honesty difficult to swallow but being clear and true makes a difference for him and a bit of a reality check.

Good luck x

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/07/2019 19:35

What happens now?? You monitor the situation, if he carries in with the relationship with her, you make a decision, if he continues the relationship and hides it, you have a decision to make. If he does the ‘right’ thing and puts his wife’s feelings first, then everything is rosie Flowers

Theyroamoverhere · 06/07/2019 19:39

It's never Trevor from accounts that these married men get too close to is it. Tell him to find some self respect and knock it off or you'll leave.

StVincent · 06/07/2019 19:56

Gosh OP you’re handling this so well!

This might not be popular but I wanted to tiptoe in to say there’s a chance she may not be trying to build up intimacy with him. I had a similar situation with a slightly older, senior colleague when I was early 20s. Looking back now it’s obvious that he fancied me, and tried to hang out/be better friends at every opportunity. He would want me to stay on for another drink etc. One day I came home to find he had “popped round as a surprise” with a bottle of wine and my housemate had let him in!! I was really uncomfortable but didn’t feel I could tell him to fuck off - plus I liked him as a friend - but just kept asking if he shouldn’t go home to his wife.

Funnily enough soon afterwards he told me his wife was concerned about our friendship, so we wouldn’t be able to hang out as much. I was so relieved!

I have no idea if your H’s colleague is after him (I’ve experienced this too and it’s so so horrible) or if she’s more the target of his feelings - but either way I think you’re definitely doing the right thing.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/07/2019 11:08

It's great that you have had a chat. But keep talking. Keep communicating so that you both know what is going on and don't let him off the hook!

matahairyy · 07/07/2019 11:22

Yup. He will just hide it better now. He will tell her what you said , she’ll be delighted. They’ll kiss.

ChanelGabriellHobo · 07/07/2019 11:28

sounds like you did the right thing OP.

Whatever happens next he'll know that you have a boundary and he's crossed it and you've asserted it.

Teaandcrisps · 07/07/2019 11:35

Well done you have made it really clear and it's now up to him. I think that the sad thing is that his response was so predictable - and now you can only wait to hear from him. I hope that he really thinks and comes back to you with an understanding of your situation and not want to ever put you in a position where you were made to feel insecure. You didn't create this situation - he did, and now he better fix up.

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2019 23:29

I know everyone recommends Shirley glass not just friends when it comes to emotional affairs but I found after the first few pages it was all about physical affairs as were all the examples I was disappointed in it

Pineapple1 · 07/07/2019 23:35

Its unfortunate that some people here have already found the OP's husband guilty of cheating.

Pathetic.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 07/07/2019 23:56

@Pineapple1 so what would your advice to the OP be then?

Pineapple1 · 08/07/2019 00:00

To simply have a frank discussion. Also have a discussion with the young lady in question.

Branding the husband as a cheating bad guy is unfair and unjust.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 08/07/2019 06:38

Also have a discussion with the young lady in question

Yeah right, so she can be the crazy wife. Whatever you do OP, do not do that.

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 06:40

Oh I would definitely have a word with her. That’s never MN advice but in real life I would.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 07:24

She will think of the op as being somewhat unhinged if op was to talk to her. This woman owes the op nothing and is certainly not a friend of their marriage.

Fairylea · 08/07/2019 07:29

I am angry on your behalf op. My now ex dh did this to me and a couple of months later he upped and left me for her! Kept saying I was crazy all the time etc. Arsehole.

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 07:33

I actually got this thread mixed up with the one where the colleague and the husband had declared their love for each other in which case I would definitely have a word.

In this case I’m not so sure but I do think things could be nipped in the bud before they progress. Hopefully op’s chat with her husband is enough but I have also seen this white knight syndrome too often in the workplace and have been the target of it too.

TheStoic · 08/07/2019 07:59

Also have a discussion with the young lady in question

Oh god, please don’t do this. For so many reasons.

You’ve done all you can do at this stage, OP. Hopefully he does the right thing now.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 08:11

....He got upset and told me all about how he doesn't have many friends and she is really important to him.

Sorry but to me this indicates he's quite emotionally involved and invested already. Really proves the nay Sayers on this thread wrong.

Scorched earth now op, I wouldn't give an inch. Oh and I'd turn it around on him and drive it home how exactly he'd feel if you were doing it (or in fact do it and see how he feels, then keep asking why, how is it different from him). He's being a selfish (and I bet hypocritical if you were to act the same).

Moralitym1n1 · 08/07/2019 08:16

Also I don't know if his later bullshit about it being about all friendships is fooling anyone else but it's not convincing me.

If he can't hang out in the friendship/social circle without crossing the boundaries of true, disinterested, platonic friendship with this young lady - then yes, he can't socialise in the social group .. but that's due to his own lack of boundaries and respect for his relationship; not your fault but his