Uncomfortable with dh friendship with younger female colleague

[GardenGirl123]

My DH has recently struck up a friendship with a new group of colleagues. I'm really happy for him as the job is stressful and he needs some downtime.
They go out to pubs/clubs every few months and have pub lunches together during the week.
Recently though his friendship with a younger woman in the group seems to have ramped up. He talks about her a lot at home and how terrible her boyfriend is to her.
Dh has recently organised a social trip for the whole group that I can't attend but I am fine with. It is something he will enjoy and he could do with a break ( I also have things booked with my friends and he is fully supportive of this). I am really happy for him to go and do this but suddenly I feel uneasy about the two of them together. I have a feeling that her boyfriend won't turn up and he will step in to support her.
I know I'm probably being crazy but I just can't shake this uneasy feeling.
A few of the things that have made me take notice are -
On a night out they were the only two left and he walked her home and got a taxi from there. Why not get a taxi together and drop her off on the way?

He talks about her a lot at home and she is always the victim in the stories. The boss is being mean to her, her boyfriend is a dick, her best friend is taking advantage of her etc.

We had tickets for a event that I was so looking forward to but our dc were poorly and I couldn't go. I was gutted but said he shouldn't waste the opportunity to go and take a friend. He took her. It was nothing she was interested in at all, in fact big show was made of how worried she was about going but she still went.

I don't want to be a jealous, insecure wife. He is lovely, kind, funny, clever, a great dad and I love being married to him. I have no reason to suspect that he would ever cheat on me but I feel a little lost.

It also indicates a real lack of maturity.

Oh I would definitely have a word with her. That’s never MN advice but in real life I would.

There are few things more pathetic in life than women going around warning other women/girls off "their" men - they should never have to.

He's not a pet or property or a child, he's an adult who should be able to be emotionally and physically faithful, and loyal to his family, off his own bat.

Even predatory other women don't get into cracks in men's armour where there are no cracks; they know immediately there's no opening and they would just embarrass themselves with overtures.
There are men like that, either permanently or for long periods, we all know them.

The problem here is he may be telling the truth at the moment .They are maybe "just friends",however he would not be happy if the roles were reversed would he?.Many men would be flattered if a cute younger woman was turning to him for"help"!.The chances are that this can quite easily lead to a sexual relationship !.You have told him how you feel .Now its up to him as others have said here dont keep acting "cool"as this has given him a licence to see her!.

If your husband/partner can't deal with it himself, without you having to run around "having a word with" other women, you have serious problems.

I had a brief relationship with an older man who was going through a divorce; he told me about 2 affairs he'd had during their marriage (he later let drop he'd been cheating from day one when away on football trips), he told me his wife went and warned the other woman off in both cases, in one scaring her with letting her partner know and blackening her name around town etc.) .... The key phrase here is "going through a divorce" - you shouldn't have to be doing that, if he hasn't got the boundaries, morals or loyalty; he hasn't got it.

In ops case we have yet to see completely, but he's certainly skating on very thin ice.

They are maybe "just friends".

Would you get upset if someone indicated you'd have to minimise or cut off a not very important, relaxed friendship with a work colleague?
Would you have mentionitis about them and keep separating yourself from the social group with them?

The article is spot on. I had this with an old friend, I'd not seen her for years, she was so boring and self obsessed, she split with husband and had a restraining order on him.

I felt sorry for her and invited her to a few things, before you know it she's reeled DH in, I'm not particularly that keen on him but it will be my decision when it ends not hers.

You're going to have to dig deep to find future evidence now, however.
He will go underground.

I had a similar situation, except my dp didn’t tell me he was spending lunches with his new colleague. Due to me finding out after a couple of months he realised it was inappropriate and has cut contact. However, I know for certain if he had been seeing her and telling me about it, I wouldn’t have been comfortable. But if I expressed this he would have told me he won’t be dictated to who he will and won’t see. He would have insisted they were just friends. I honestly don’t know how in your situation to handle this. It feels like you can’t win. They all do the same thing “we are just friends” and don’t want to be “controlled”. They really don’t see your perspective WHATSOEVER. I don’t know what actually works in this situation to resolve it. I think your partner will genuinely believe he has done nothing wrong so long as nothing physical happens. They don’t seem to recognise the danger of getting close to another woman that they may fancy / have feelings for. They believe they can prevent it going any further. You can’t tell them otherwise until they do find themselves actually going further and then they can see with hindsight.

In your position after my experience, after this chat I would leave it. I would avoid any arguments as this will effectively push him into his arms. He knows your position so don’t keep bringing it up. I would just sit back, watch and wait. You cannot force someone not to cheat on you so let him reveal himself as to who he really is. Is he going to cheat or back off. Say and do nothing and wait for him to act.

I think all you can do in this situation is make it clear it's a line in the sand. They will always use the 'you're controlling' line but there's nothing controlling about being clear about your boundaries, and not accepting a partners new 'friendship' when it's ringing your alarm bells seems a pretty reasonable boundary to have.

So for me the only way to deal with this is to make it a clear choice from the outset, they can have their burgeoning 'friendship' and all it entails, but it will be at the expense of the marriage and their life as they currently know it. I hope your DH comes to his senses OP, and that he manages not to lose any more of your respect in the process

@Hidingtonothing I agree. I just find it hard to know when a “new friendship” should be ringing alarm bells, and when I am over-reacting / being controlling. My partner formed a new friendship through a shared hobby with an older woman who I knew there was nothing to worry about on his part. However, she sent him a few very subtle text messages that rang alarm bells for me. I asked him to stop doing the hobby. He really resented me for it and I think it’s because he felt like I didn’t trust him. When he knew he would have never done anything untoward and wasn’t interested in her in the slightest. The texts were so subtle he felt it was an overreaction from me. He couldn’t see my perspective. I just seemed unreasonable and controlling.

In hindsight even though alarm bells rang for me, in that I thought she was reading into the situation, I felt asking him to stop the hobby was the wrong move. It’s also put me in a difficult position for the future should he form “new friendships” with women he could be genuinely interested in and I want to nip in the bud. Whilst that may never happen, it’s in the back of my mind.

These scenarios are so tricky to navigate. It’s easy to lose touch with reality in regards to who to have alarm bells for, and who to recognise as completely platonic friendships. I certainly don’t want to be stopping my partner from forming new friendships with ANY attractive single women. There has to surely be some trust. But at the same time it’s a slippery slope to an affair. I don’t know the answer.

@Hidingtonothing sorry the above post should have specified stopping doing the hobby alone with the new friend.

I have to agree what you are describing sounds like a very risky situation- that 'rescue me' paradigm is extremely intoxicating for many men as it appeals direct to any shaky sense of manhood.

Ironically, these men with a shaky sense of manhood have often persuaded their wives to play a bit of a mother role - taking care of things and protecting their emotions - not holding them fully accountable. While in many ways this suits the men, deep down it can create resentment and make the younger 'needs protected' woman very hard to resist...... because suddenly they get that sense of power again. that is certainly what happened in my marriage, resulting in my forty-two year old husband leaving me for a 23 year old.....!

Your husband may well not see the danger in what he is doing yet, but you are right to handle it proactively, OP. Good luck!

Tell him his mentionitis is getting quite bad now and he's a bit too invested in a young person he happens to work with.
I don't get these colleague outings, do they not see enough of one another during work? They aren't his friends or family.
Just tell him he sounds like a prick, whose having a mid life crisis through an affair.

Does he always organise the colleague trips or is it something new.
It sounds like he was ready to make the move when away with her.
Be careful OP, remember the scene of Emma Thompson in love Actually, she was a young work colleague.

GardenGirl, is your H still defensive and dismissive of your feelings?

While channeling his emotional energy to rescue and connect with her, he also created a space between you to justify his behavior. That distance was on display in his stance that your feelings are not his problem and in his declaration that she is very important to him.

How will you know if he is ‘ripping the piss”? You mentioned that this group socializes often, and his defiant attitude indicates that he will now hide their 1:1 interaction and will rationalize doing so.

I truly wish you well.

Aaaargghhh you are naive and your situation is totally different.

OP it will be interesting to see if the mentionitis continues or if he clams up . All you can do now is observe closely and maybe occasionally ask him has he seen X recently etc ? I think you and he will need to be having another chat . Sadly he has been taken in by the rush, the fun, the seeming important to someone as opposed to the day to day routine of family life .

How are things op