Uncomfortable with dh friendship with younger female colleague

[GardenGirl123]

My DH has recently struck up a friendship with a new group of colleagues. I'm really happy for him as the job is stressful and he needs some downtime.
They go out to pubs/clubs every few months and have pub lunches together during the week.
Recently though his friendship with a younger woman in the group seems to have ramped up. He talks about her a lot at home and how terrible her boyfriend is to her.
Dh has recently organised a social trip for the whole group that I can't attend but I am fine with. It is something he will enjoy and he could do with a break ( I also have things booked with my friends and he is fully supportive of this). I am really happy for him to go and do this but suddenly I feel uneasy about the two of them together. I have a feeling that her boyfriend won't turn up and he will step in to support her.
I know I'm probably being crazy but I just can't shake this uneasy feeling.
A few of the things that have made me take notice are -
On a night out they were the only two left and he walked her home and got a taxi from there. Why not get a taxi together and drop her off on the way?

He talks about her a lot at home and she is always the victim in the stories. The boss is being mean to her, her boyfriend is a dick, her best friend is taking advantage of her etc.

We had tickets for a event that I was so looking forward to but our dc were poorly and I couldn't go. I was gutted but said he shouldn't waste the opportunity to go and take a friend. He took her. It was nothing she was interested in at all, in fact big show was made of how worried she was about going but she still went.

I don't want to be a jealous, insecure wife. He is lovely, kind, funny, clever, a great dad and I love being married to him. I have no reason to suspect that he would ever cheat on me but I feel a little lost.

I suspect he will argue the toss that 'there's nothing in it', 'we're just friends' and 'am I not even allowed friends now' when you speak to him. You need one stock answer to this, 'I'm your wife, do my feelings not matter more than some random friend/colleague?' and repeat.

Because, whatever your reasons for objecting to it, this 'friendship' should not be significant enough to him to risk hurting/upsetting/worrying the person he loves most, right? Don't let that point be lost in the midst of all his outrage about you not trusting him, she is (or should be) nothing in his life compared to you so there should be no great sacrifice in him distancing himself.

How quickly/easily he sees the logic in that should give you an idea of how serious a problem you have here. And if he refuses to see it then you have to think carefully about what you're prepared to put up with going forward. For me it would be a straight her-or-me ultimatum but you have to be wiling to follow that through or there's no point even saying it. Suffice to say I would not be standing idly by while my partner developed emotional intimacy with someone else, stamp on it now OP.

Yeah, loads of worrying aspects to this, not least that she's always the victim (so needs his manliness to help her all the time!) and also taking her to that event that you couldn't go to. That's mean!!

Definitely talk to him tonight. Hopefully he will own up and realise that he is a) taking the piss, b) playing with fire c) risking his marriage d) being very uncaring about your feelings and many more troublesome things.

I hope he hears you and comes to his senses. Best of luck

The book Not Just Friends explains why friendships like this are dangerous to marriages. It’s a quick read and will open yours and hopefully his eyes.

The ticket crossed the line. He could have taken any friend from any part of his life, and he chose a new colleague who doesn't even like the event? Ask him how odd that would sound if the new colleague had been a bloke (and would a bloke or bont predatory woman been 'worried'? Classic damsel in distress).

Your DH is either having an emotional affair or making a fool of himself over a much younger colleague, either way some distance is in order.

Let me guess, she's cute and they like the same music?

It's NEVER the old hack in Accounts they strike friendships up with, is it?

I’d be bloody furious

Yeah, it’s never the older man that is being treated badly who they want to be friends with is it?

YANBU

Nope, grumpy

Wonder why??

Stop being so accommodating OP. I was you several years ago. I was so intent on being the ‘chilled’ wife that I gave him a green card to do things like, take her out when I couldn’t go - just as friends obviously.

Talk to him, tell him you feel uncomfortable Nd that he needs to stop it. You’ll soon find out where his head is at. He should be willing and happy to do as you ask, as you ‘shouldn’t be his first priority

He needs to reel his neck in.

@managedmis who can say....🤔 these poor men just want to help people. It is just a massive coincidence really for these innocents that the people who need their help just happen to be younger women.

Your husband is playing with fire. I would be telling him to cut this shit out immediately. He's being a fool.

He took her.......oh dear op, you're in trouble.

What a cunt, while you stayed home with the children when they were sick!

Yep. Mentionitis and white knighting. He may not have done anything yet but he is attracted to her and already attached.
You need him to agree to detach.
Tell him you are uncomfortable with the way their relationship is going and you need him to prioritise your marriage and disengage from her.
If he asks why, tell him. When he denies having feelings for her, say nonetheless, you feel there are signs that perhaps he’s still blind to, and you are asking him to put your relationship first and disengage. When he asks “What am I supposed to say to poor Hotgirl? She’s done nothing wrong!”, tell him that he can tell her the truth, that his wife is uncomfortable with their relationship and has asked him to put their marriage first, so apologies and no hard feelings, but he is going to back off and keep it strictly professional.
He will act very hurt by your lack of trust in him, but stand firm. Tell him it’s because you love him and think he is a good man that you are protecting your marriage. You can agree to differ as to whether his relationship with Hotgirl is a threat, but on this point you won’t be moved. If he won’t return to s strictly professional relationship with this woman, then he is choosing his relationship with her over your marriage.
He will bring out the old “So I can’t have women friends!?” - to which the obvious reply is that of course he can, and you assumed initially that that was all this woman was, however he’s never had the same mentionitis about Angus, Jed or any of his other friends, or shown such partisan concern for them in their personal and professional relationships, nor did he offer them the free ticket he had. He doesn’t walk them home before getting a taxi either.
I really hope he comes to his senses. Good luck.

His relationship with her is not just a casual friendship. He is clearly VERY emotionally invested in her. If the shoe were on the other foot, your husband would not be happy.

Love the article i can totally relate to it. I had a similar situation with my dh. I started to feel uncomfortable with the constant texting and asked him to tone it down. The texts stopped as they could be seen on the phone bill they had switched to WhatsApp then messages were being deleted WhatsApp online got hidden etc etc. The more he hid it for a so called quiet life a I am not being told who I can be friends as it’s all innocent with or how much texting is to much the more I snooped and more wound up I got convinced something was going on and when we were arguing about it he turned to her so moan about me. So i totally understand where you are coming from and I hope your talk with your dh goes better than mine did. Nothing ever happened between them and probably never would of but he handled the situation totally wrong so he’s lost a friendship I don’t trust him as whole heartily as I did before so good luck op I hope you resolve this

He is finding times to be alone with her...lingering at the pub, walking her home, taking her to the event. He acts like they’re dating.

Did he know that you weren’t free when he organized the social trip? If so, then he was probably engineering more time to white-knight. Under the circumstances, he needs to cancel.

If he values you and your marriage, he absolutely must disengage from her and back way off.

I think it's too far gone sorry OP. I would not be happy with any of this. Would he walk a mate home just because?

Dh had a friend at work I thought he had nentionist about and told him. I met her and her partner and it turns out they felt they were the only 'sane' people in their department so stuck together.

When dh moved roles he rarely got to see his friend and they'd occasionally go out for lunch with his new colleagues or we'd meet her and her dp at the pub.

Do you see the difference in friendship between my dh and yours?

I hope your chat with him went well lass.

Well, normally I find responses on these paranoid, because one of my best friends is a male colleague and I see him one on one a lot, and it’s a good, fun, mutually-supportive friendship without the smallest sexual edge. BUT in this case, your husband sounds as if he’s got a bad case of White Knight Rescuing Fwagile Pwincess.

Would you happen by any chance to be a competent, independent-minded type who runs her life well, and doesn’t weep on male colleagues’ shoulders about how mean everyone else is to you?

Responses on these THREADS.

Whilst your husband thinks this is ok he is blinded as he is having an EA with her. Did you talk to him last night? I would not be ok with this and you need to set the line that he has to stop and if the line is crossed what will happen. I really feel for you, you are his wife and she needs to find someone else who can support and put her first and someone who is not married. You need yo get your husband to out a stop to this now.

Thank you everyone who has responded. It has really helped me understand he is being a complete twat!
I confronted him about it last night and he of course started with the old "she is just a friend, it's not my problem you are insecure about this".
I kept calm and brought up all the issues I mentioned on here and how would he feel in my position. He was very defensive at first and kept reading me the script....

Then.....and this is my favourite part....He got upset and told me all about how he doesn't have many friends and she is really important to him.
I just completely detached from the situation and said it was unfortunate that he valued his relationship with a colleague he has know for a very short time over that of his wife of over ten years and mother of his children. He is welcome to maintain the same level of contact with her from somewhere else but it won't be while he is here or married to me.

He then backtracked and said he didn't mean the particular friendship with her was the important thing, just his friendships in general.

I have made it very clear to him that while I am not going to be managing his friendship circles or expecting him to ask me for permission to see people, I am not going to sit around while rips the piss! I am a very assertive confident person in other areas of my life and I think I was in shock that I was feeling so insecure and maybe was trying to convince myself I was imagining it rather than dealing with it?

I don't know what I do now? Life goes on and I have the children to put on a happy face in front of.

If this was a guy no one would say anything but because it’s a woman people are assuming all sorts. Can he not just be caring about someone who is feeling crap? I don’t want to sound naive but this just sounds like a friendship. I’ve had friendships with males and my partner has friendships with females. It’s not always an affair. Invite her round for dinner as they have gotten to know each other more and I think seeing how they are could help? My partner has been over the road chatting to a woman and our daughter plays with her kids, he brings me back information or how things are with her (I talk to her too but way less often) and that’s fine it doesn’t mean he wants to have an affair with her. Maybe it’s different because our kids play together so I’m seeing from a different perspective.

Read Shirley Glass ‘not just friends’ and ask him to read it too.