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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you date this man?

121 replies

OKMorty · 04/07/2019 15:56

He’s early 40s, longest relationship was in his 20s and then was the OM in his early 30s for 2 years.

Several flings since, the most recent with a 25 yo.

How many of these are red flags?

OP posts:
Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 12:53

Yes, and she can be very kind too. But especially when she doesn’t “know” the poster, she can be phenomenally rude. And she isn’t above being called on that.

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AnneKipanki · 05/07/2019 12:57

You wrote " You’re not very nice @AnyFucker"

AnneKipanki · 05/07/2019 12:57

Good luck .

ZazieTheCat · 05/07/2019 12:57

I’m scared to say “Fuck him then chuck him” now Confused

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 12:59

This thread is nuts. Not flouncing but I need to go back to work now.

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Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 13:00

Anne, that was in response to her previous rudeness. I give up. Better things to do.

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SkintAsASkintThing · 05/07/2019 13:05

Meh, he sounds like a bit of a man tart.

No harm in having a relationship with him but see it for what it is and don't get overly sucked in........I tend.to save my wrath.for men who are actually abusive. Some of the responses on here are plain odd. Hmm

lifegoes · 05/07/2019 15:27

@OKMorty a lot of people have replied in a decent way, you have chosen to ignore all those and react to those given you fair (harsh) advice. I say harsh in brackets because it will feel like that to you. It's also s bit of tough love and some do need to hear that.

But you asked a question majority have answered saying to stay away.

Something I will say,

the minute you know something isn't right - there's normally an issue

When you feel the need to ask the question on MN (you really know the answer but need confirmation) - there's an issue

The min everyone tells you what you really didn't want to believe but already knew - it's 100% an issue and it's not right.

In this case loads of red flags, not a chance I would date this man!!

You don't want to hear this, there isn't much more we can do

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 17:23

You don't want to hear this, there isn't much more we can do

Again, an incorrect presumption. As I’ve said a number of times on this thread, I posted BECAUSE these seemed like red flags and so I put it out there to see what others thought.

@OKMorty a lot of people have replied in a decent way, you have chosen to ignore all those and react to those given you fair (harsh) advice. I say harsh in brackets because it will feel like that to you. It's also s bit of tough love and some do need to hear that.

Again, not true. I responded to a few posters who replied in a decent way and also to posters who did not. And Harsh love etc how patronising!

Honestly, judging from this thread, the level of intelligent conversation on MN seems to be at an all time low.

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Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 17:25

In fact I had to check that I did actually post in relationships and not AIBU there for a moment!

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lifegoes · 05/07/2019 17:41

Wow @OKMorty you are being very defensive indeed. My reply was ignored from the other day. And secondly my last post was advice.

You YOU are reading too much into posts and taking them the wrong way.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide

PetrolBastard · 05/07/2019 17:46

Tough love is another way of saying rude.

Ginger1982 · 05/07/2019 17:48

No one can answer a simple 'yes or no' as to whether the relationship can go anywhere other than you though! For me, a man who spent 2 years having an affair with another man's wife would not be someone I would want to get involved with for many reasons. If it ultimately isn't a dealbreaker for you then that's fine.

Dogladyxo · 05/07/2019 17:49

@petrolbastard I agree

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 17:50

Nope. There’s a difference between being defensive and correcting a wrong assumption.
I’m merely responding and clarifying what I actually said and mean, and not going along with assumptions that have been made. If you interpret that as reading too much into things and taking them the wrong way, well that is your mistake and not mine.

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Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 17:51

Sorry, my last post was in response to @lifegoes

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Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 17:56

No one can answer a simple 'yes or no' as to whether the relationship can go anywhere other than you though!

Completely agree! But my question was whether things that were jarring to me, jarred with others and if they would be red flags to them dating this man.

For me, a man who spent 2 years having an affair with another man's wife would not be someone I would want to get involved with for many reasons. If it ultimately isn't a dealbreaker for you then that's fine.

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere! Yes, I get that. I suppose I need to think about whether it is a dealbreaker or not.

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Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 18:11

My reply was ignored from the other day.

Sorry about that @lifegoes. I didn’t respond to your post because you started by saying you had advice to give but then went on to relay your own experiences with a man who was (unbeknownst to you) cheating with you on a much younger girlfriend. Obviously appreciate you sharing this but not sure what the advice is. I am as certain as I can be that there isn’t a girlfriend younger or older currently on the scene.

And secondly my last post was advice.

I’ve read your last post again and still don’t see where you are giving advice. Unless your way of giving advice is to tell me what I am thinking and/or what you would do. That’s not really giving advice although I appreciate the difference could be subtle.

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Ginger1982 · 05/07/2019 18:17

I think I would also be concerned about him dating 25 year olds. If I was in my 40s I would worry that his head might be turned by someone much younger, especially if he decided he wanted children.

JustHavingASadDay · 05/07/2019 18:17

But my question was whether things that were jarring to me, jarred with others and if they would be red flags to them dating this man.

And people overwhelmingly said that, yes, it would be an issue for them.

When I have met a man, I always have a 3 strikes and you're out type approach. So it might he something they tell me about their past or it might be something they say/do in the very early stages of dating.

To my mind, all three of these things would put me off; I've discounted men because they used the wrong spoon to eat soup on the first date before now or because they've called me "Babe" in a text. These are far more serious than those! Grin

So no, I wouldn't date this man.

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 18:20

And people overwhelmingly said that, yes, it would be an issue for them.

Never disagreed with that.

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JustHavingASadDay · 05/07/2019 18:20

Why are you being so hostile then?

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 18:22

@Ginger1982

I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say that he dates 25 year olds. He dated one 25 year old. For a few months.

But I take your point.

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JustHavingASadDay · 05/07/2019 18:22

Unless your way of giving advice is to tell me what I am thinking and/or what you would do

What were you looking for in the way of advice then?

People can either tell you what they think you should do or tell you what they did/would do in a similar situation.

The latter is generally regarded as being more empathic and useful.

Original poster
OKMorty · 05/07/2019 18:27

@JustHavingASadDay

You bolded something I said in response to a question and replied out of context. I was merely making it clear that I hadn’t disputed the general consensus in response to your post. Nothing hostile in that.

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