Would you date this man?

[OKMorty]

He’s early 40s, longest relationship was in his 20s and then was the OM in his early 30s for 2 years.

Several flings since, the most recent with a 25 yo.

How many of these are red flags?

Thank you nearlynermal. I am drawn to him and my instincts say that he’s a good guy but for the sake of reason I should take things slowly.

trust your head, because your heart will mess it up.

Absolutely agree with this! And sometimes it might be: trust your heart because your penis/vagina [delete as necessary] will mess it up!

Lovebombing

It's easy to say and do what you want to hear.

The circle of friends think he's a great guy but they've never had an intimate relationship with him. Countless threads on here of guys pillars of the community, great guys and nasty abusers at home.

Its not about not getting a balanced view on here.

You came on to ask a question about a situation and a number of women have responded based on their own personal experience and just wisdom gained through life.

You're not obliged to agree, nor follow said advice.

But do reflect upon it.

And the "tell you before somebody else does" thing. Get his side of it in your ear first before you hear the unvarnished truth, more like.

What is it you want out of this OP? If you're looking for marriage, his previous lack of commitment is a bit of a red flag. However if you only want to date and are not bothered about long-term, then see how it goes.

I agree with a pp though, do reflect on what has been said on this thread if you carry on with the relationship.

You asked whether posters would date this man. The vast majority have said no, don't date this man, too many red flags and they have identified the red flags for you.

There's really not much point getting pissy with those posters when all they've done is answer your question and given you the benefit of their experience.

Date him, don't date him, the choice is yours.

Maybe just bear in mind all the comments if you do.

My DH told me he loved me by our third date - been living together ever since (35 years)! This only works if you feel the same - but it sounds like you do! He lacks relationship experience - and?

No, definitely date him. He’s a catch. Happy now?

This screams dismissive attachment style to me. Which is sad, but usually hard work and no reward after the initial heady days. I’d give it a swerve.

As a side note, I’d say people making mistakes in dating is something you can overlook if they happen fairly young and if they obviously learn from their mistakes fairly quickly. You don’t fully develop the brain mechanisms for impulse control til 25ish, so the odd mistakes til about then is ok. But not a string of them. And if he’s been an OM for a couple of months not a couple of years.

You obviously want us all to say that he sounds amazing and you should go for it. So do that if it's what you want. Personally, I couldn't be with someone who had actively conducted an affair for 2 years at the expense of someone else's On Tuesday you were posting asking if your previous relationship was doomed. Maybe things are all moving a bit fast here seeing as you've already been on 4 dates and he's professing love.

And the way you’re reacting OP to posts saying “nope” suggests you got an anxious attachment style. In which case you’ll spend a long, unhappy time chasing him after the initial lovebombing wears off.

Anyone who claimed they were falling in love with me after 3 dates, would be out on their ear.

He’s blowing smoke up your arse there.

Words are cheap. Anyone can say anything, they 'regret how they acted before' and 'they wish they could turn back the clock' etc.

Actions speak louder. Why not date him for a while, have fun, but hold off on the sex for a while and see how he reacts. Being in love after three dates would be a bit of a no-no for me, but he could be genuine, and only time would tell you that.

Depends how you are really. If you tend to get attached or want a full on relationship sooner rather than later, I'd probably give this one a miss. If you can afford some time, and you can keep your distance, then maybe wait and see if his actions match his words.

@iMatter

Where and in which post did I get pissy? I pointed out that a poster was being insensitive and a bit rude. It’s perfectly reasonable to say these things you know, it doesn’t automatically mean that someone is being pissy.

@Nicolastiffedone you sound delightful

As do you OKMorty

OP you still haven't answered the concerns about his 'falling in love' so soon. Personally I actually wouldn't let his past put me off but I would definitely proceed with caution.

This falling in love thing is worrying though but you don't seem to keen to address that!

@crappyday2018

If you read my posts, you’ll see that I have said several times that I am cautious about things moving too quickly.

The trouble with MN is that sometimes rude posters come early onto a thread and then the OP, in this case me, gets put on the back foot which then shuts down any reasonable and balanced conversation.

Nicolastuffedone for example. Such childishness. How is that helpful?

I asked whether you would date this guy i.e would these things be red flags to you. Obviously I wouldn’t have raised them if I wasn’t concerned. But I also recognise that we all have a history and I certainly have made many many mistakes which I would hope didn’t condemn me for life! I posted this thread because I was interested in discussing whether this was a relationship that could go somewhere. A simple yes or no would be fine too but not the patronising and hectoring tone of some posters. I’ve been on MN long enough to know that on a different occasion, it would have attracted a different set of posters and responses.

Childishness? You asked if anyone would date this man. You got a (mostly) resounding NO! You didn’t seem happy with that, people change, he regrets the affair, said he lives after 3 dates(!!) date him, don’t date him, it’s up to you! You asked for opinions, you got them, didn’t like them...crack on!

What on Earth are you talking about Nicolas?
Your summary of the thread is utterly lacking in intelligence. It’s not the opinions I am challenging - I welcome opinions. It’s the unnecessarily hectoring tone of some posters that I am saying closes down reasonable conversation.

Your original posting was asking if you would date this man and are any of these red flags.

For a lot of people it would be a no , followed by all of them are red flags.
I am sure you already knew the answer to that.

AF gives good clear advice.

Do what you want to do @OKMorty but listen to your 'gut'.

I did ask you early on what his plus points were too but you didn't answer until much later on.
My answer would be possibly yes I would date him but it depends on many other factors too. However the 'falling in love' part would definitely put me off I'm afraid.
You must be having doubts or you wouldn't have posted on here.
If you are going to continue seeing him then just proceed with caution and I would definitely tell him to tone down the love-bombing too.

I’m not sure “only if I were desperate” is really good clear advice. But, I knew what AF meant and I took it on the chin. It’s still a pretty rude way of talking to someone though. That’s all I was saying.

managedmis proves my point

There is no beating about the bush with AF.