Pregnant with my ex's child, our mate wants to step up and raise my daughter.

[aurorakingston]

I couldn't even think of how to title this post, but I need outside opinions so here I am.

I was dating my ex ( I'll call him T )for just short of three years. We broke up on good terms due to lack of time together, but about a month after the break up I found out that I was pregnant.

I told T almost instantly, but he doesn't want to be a father because he would barely be back in London ( where we live) enough to be a steady figure in our child's life, but he still wants to see her. I would be upset with him but I know first hand that his job is demanding and he's traveling constantly, I know that he's a good person. He's been helping me through the pregnancy anyway, but he doesn't want to be her dad. At the most, he's said he wants to go by Uncle T.

If you couldn't tell, we're still friends. We were attached at the hip since we were teenagers and I really can't imagine our bond disappearing because of a break-up.

With that being said, we've got the same group of friends. The one we're closest to (we grew up with the guy, let's call him H) has been crashing at my new apartment since I announced the impending arrival of bubs.

H has been a godsend, really, he's running out to the shops at two am for my cravings etc and he's been acting more like the father of my daughter than her own father.

We practically live together at the moment and it's become so normal that I've only just realized that it isn't exactly normal after my sister bought it up.

I spoke to H about it earlier this week and the conversation turned in a whole other direction when he told me that he wants to be with me and raise my child with me. I'll spare the long explanation, but he essentially told me that he loves me and that, if I'll have him, he wants to be a constant fixture in mine and baby's life.

I told him that it was all too much at once but that I wasn't shutting him down. I ended up speaking to T about it because I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to be the father figure before I even started to consider what we spoke about.

I really do like H, and I think part of me always have, but I'm extremely nervous. I can't tell if he only wants to be with me for the babe or vice versa considering we've never talked about our feeling like this before.

I want nothing more than for my daughter to have a strong father figure, not that she absolutely needs one to survive but you get the gist, but I guess I just feel lost and guilty about the whole thing.

Part of me also feels guilty if I get into a relationship right after a break up with another guy, especially since we're all friends.

I'm currently six months along and I'm worried that if I stress too much I'll somehow fuck up the remainder of my pregnancy or something. I've always been so organized but this past year has been a complete flip from anything I've been used to.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd love to hear opinions in general because I'm lost and any other angles would be appreciated.

Cheers,
Rora xx

It's nice that H wants to help out but the reality of a newborn might make him change his tune. Why not continue as things are and see how you get along once the baby is here? I don't see the need to make any promises yet.

I think right now you need to concentrate on yourself. You have had a break up and are pregnant and so maybe a little bit vulnerable. I don't mean that to sound patronising.
T may feel differently when the baby is here and want to be more involved. Also, your child deserves to grow up knowing who their father is, please don't pretend anyone else is.
If a relationship with H developed over time that's great, but he will never be the real dad and it seems like he is enjoying the idea of stepping into Ts shoes and having a ready made family.
The priority here is the new baby and they will need all your energy. A baby can test any relationship but one so new and with a child that isn't his...? T and H can both be in yours and baby's life but I would hold off having a relationship right now and see how you feel further along.

Hang on, is H suggesting a relationship with you? Or just that he be an involved father-figure for your baby?

And is T going to provide financially for his child, even if he’s too terribly busy and important to bother with him or her?

”I know that he's a good person....but he doesn't want to be her dad.”

Does he not realise it isn’t an opt-in or opt-out scenario? He will be her dad. He just needs to decide how good a dad he is going to be.

I got with my now husband whilst I was pregnant with my first. He adopted my daughter, as her biological dad wanted nothing to do with her. He’s a wonderful father and we have added to our family and been happy for over 12 years.

I'd hang back and let things progress naturally.
You've only been single (max) 6 months, it's far too soon to consider commuting yourself to a lifelong relationship.
T might change his tune. H might get spooked once the reality arrives.
Practicalities like £, access, titles, romantic relationships etc?
And you've not really considered your feelings in all of this.
Messy and no need to agree to anything while you're possibly emotionally vulnerable

T is the baby's father. Doesn't matter if he is a long distance, visits when he can father, he is still the father. Not an uncle (that is a really daft idea).
Date H if you like him. See how your relationship develops. But don't pencil him in as the father figure for a long time yet.

What is important is for your DD to have a strong role model as a mother.
You need to do what is best for you and your DD.
I don't see this working in the short term.
You need to tackle this on your own.
Understand yourself and what you want.
This is all too much of a head fuck right now and you don't need it.
Soooo.... stop thinking about male role models and be a good female one for now.
Reach out to family to friends to help support through all of this.
Don't worry about your DD and your stress. She will be fine in there.

I think you need to not live with H and to be completely independent of him before you make any decisions about being in a relationship with him. You need to know you want to be with him, rather than you need him. You are not making this decision for you alone - you don't want to get it wrong.

He needs to be a bonus rather than a necessity - what kind of relationship flourishes where one party can't cope without the other and is dependent on them? Who (only) wants to be with someone when they are in such a position?

Do not let your child's father be referred to as an uncle it'll just cause confusion and all kinds of drama could arise when she's older. As for your friend it's lovely that he would take on a child as his own but if he wants more from you than you can give him you shouldn't go along with it just so your child has a father figure.

I don’t think that drifting into a romantic AND/OR co-parenting relationship with H at this point is a good idea. Step away and stop sharing a place with him for the moment. You sound as if you think you can just replace T with H, because you’re all friends and amicable and it’s practically the same thing, but that really isn’t the case.

As flowery said, T doesn’t get to opt out of being a father, he just gets to decide how good a father he is. The idea that he can conceal his lack of commitment to his own child under the fun, visiting ‘Uncle T’ identity makes him sound less like a ‘good person’ and more like a bit of an idiot.

T doesn't sound like a good person if he wants to lie to his child about who he is and have absolutely nothing to do with them. Is he at least going to pay child support?
With regards to H, I think you need to focus on yourself and don't take any of his promises seriously until you see proof of it when the baby comes.

Do you mean you will become a couple? I definitely wouldn’t commit yourself to anything at the moment and based on your op I would say it’s a ridiculous idea. Also ex can’t opt out. He’s the father not an uncle!

T can't just decide to be Uncle T Whether he likes it or not he will be the baby's father. Why would you confuse a child like that? I think you need to focus on yourself and your baby and see what happens

So this Nice Guy™️ wants you to lie to your child about who their father is? And who do you think that child will blame if the truth comes out one day? It will be you, your relationship with them could be forever damaged.

He decided to have (unprotected?) sex, and now he hasn’t a child. He doesn’t get to opt out of that and absolve himself of all responsibility. Frankly he needs to grow the hell up and stop trying to make everyone else dance to his tune, selfish little fucker.

As for this new relationship, why are you looking for an instant family? It weird that he’s so keen to step in as dad when you’ve never even dated. If you want to date the guy, date him, but don’t play make believe with him.

You have two big issues in your life.

First is that you cannot tell your child that their father is an uncle. The child has a right to know who their parents are. If he is determined to reject his child and deny parental responsibility you need to decide if that is in the child’s interest. You should tell him he will be financially responsible. Your child is entitled to maintenance. If he cannot be a father then he cannot be in the Childs life.

As to the other man, your sister is right. He is not a flat mate if he wants a relationship with you. Tell him to move out.

You have one priority relationship now and it is with your child. Not with Uncle T, a poor specimen of a human being or with the wannabe Daddy. Who sounds a bit creepy.

Does he not realise it isn’t an opt-in or opt-out scenario? He will be her dad. He just needs to decide how good a dad he is going to be.

This this this.

T needs a good shake- what he’s suggesting could leave some very deep cuts on your daughter’s emotional well being well into adulthood.

Agree with everyone. Your child has a father regardless of how much involvement in her life she'll have with him!

I wouldn't make any decisions about starting a relationship with H because so far he's just been your friend and you're pregnant and having even considered a relationship with him. If you do decide to start a relationship, that should be separate from him wanting to be a father figure to your child.

Good old "Uncle T" will still have to pay child support. Does he realise this?
He really is deluded - he is your DC's dad, nothing can change that.

You can come to all the arrangements and agreements you want with these two men, but the reality is that either or both of them could change their minds or their feelings change even a few years down the line and there is nothing at all that you will be able to do about it.

So it's not realistic to plan it and say that H will be the dad and T will be the uncle, because that might all completely change in the future.

He wants a women he perceives as desperate (probably thinking he can "secure" a woman who is ordinarily beyond him). He will later expect you to be "grateful" for "saving" you.

He's rushing something you don't even really want. He has effectively moved into your place to shoehorn himself into your life, without your consent. This seems quite controlling and proprietary and has the red flags all over it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

In case the subject comes up, don't put new guy's name on the birth certificate or give the child his surname. Leave the father section blank until you know whether the bio father will be an asset or a hindrance and give the child your surname - after all, you'll be paying all the money and doing all the bloody work for the next 18+ years (not to mention 9 months of pregnancy). That deserves a surname, not sperm and a few minutes.

You need to put your dc first.

It is not in their interests to lie to them about who their father is.
It is not in their interests for T to dip in and out of their life as an "uncle" and presumably not pay child support.
It is not in their interests to form a relationship with your other friend simply to create the picture of nuclear family.

Date H properly, be boyfriend/girlfriend, have it light and fun and no obligations. Find out if it works between you.

If you end up together for the right reasons (love and compatibility), then maybe H can adopt your dc. But that's a long way down the road.

In the meantime go it alone. It may be harder in the short term, but you can't base your life on convenience.

I think in your desperation for your child to have a strong father figure you could end up really confusing and screwing up your child.

Your DD needs to know that T is their Dad, not an Uncle and you need to claim maintenance from him. He may surprise you (equally he may not). But he is her biological father and she needs to understand that.

It’s all very well H saying all this but he could very quickly change his mind once the realities of having a newborn hits.

You can not rely on either of them. You need to be the best role model you can be. Don’t start introducing men into her life on the basis of wanting a male role model, as they can just as easily fuck off again.

Don’t rush into anything, don’t make any decisions now. You need to be the constant in her life.

I agree with PicsinRed this has altogether a far too sinister tinge to it all.

YOU are the child's mother - or will be - YOU are the one who will raise them. YOU. Your child's dad is a selfish twat who he is, unable to step up and prioritise his own child, or indeed work out how to use a condom. sadly.

He is playing at being an adult and sadly nobody wins that game, certainly not his child.

This other bloke has an agenda, and I for one am worried for your safety and well being. Your child could also be at risk from this man. You need to tell him to move out. Do not embark on a relationship out of desperation or panic about the future.